On a cold winters night...

Walking through the streets, 2am , a few days before christmas. Breathing out and watching it form whispy clouds of mist. Breathing in, letting the cold, frozen air freeze my already ice cold black remnants of what once was a heart. Thinking to myself of when it was warm inside me, when there seemed to be no worries and no problems with life, because one special person made every conceivable problem just melt away. Now shattered like it once was, oh so many years ago, after only just starting to heal itself. The cold misty iced air freezing and suffocating the tips of my fingers, my brain telling me that its cold, but I just dont care any more, there is no reason to care... without her around me...

Thinking of laura really does hurt me.. I love her so much, but so much has changed and I'm blaiming myself, Yes most if it proberly is me, I did change quite a bit while i was with her, but we had a communication problem, or rather, I wouldnt speak to her about how I felt. I still love her with every second of every day, and I would honestly do just about anything to be with her again, but we all know its not going to happen. I which I could just open up to people, and especially her. to tell her Im sorry... and I want to work things out between us... is it going to take me another 5 years to move on from her? I just dont want to do that.... Do I tell her that i almost killed myself after she left? yeah i know... I said i wouldnt... but i just couldnt handle it all, the pressures from work, uni, friends, family, the misscarrage, and loosing her... I cant even tell my friends.. I know they would be there for me, and help me through it, but I HAVE to act like Im ok, i dont want to burden them with my pain. The phsyciatrist wanted me on anti depressents, and Im not about to do that again... last time they made me even worse. Well Ive finally stopped seeing Liz (the phsyciatrist) and yeah it helped, but I couldnt even tell her half the stuff... She said I should speak to people and open up more, express my feelings and communicate with laura and my family... no thanks...

My problem at the moment really is... Do i buy Laura a christmas pressent, and if so, what do I get her? I was looking at this necklace that I think she will like, but its expensive and its something you would buy your girlfriend, not your ex... I dont know I should spend the money on something that says "I love you" or buy something that you would a friend, knowing that shes proberly not got me anything anyway!

Megan has split up with lewis... like almost 2 months ago.. and me and her are still friends which is really pissing off lewis... oh well... shes also banned from being in my bedroom... my nan is a bitch... Megan is 15... but just cos shes a girl and im a guy, it doesnt mean anything is going on... but we were play fighting, cant remember why we were fighting, it was something trivial... but my nan walked in, and saw us, on my bed, her kinda laid ontop of me, pinning me down, it didnt look good....

I dont care, shes a nice girl, but she is way to young for me, and we are only friends... my nan is just old fashioned... We are going london, or more precisly, to camdon on monday. Last minute christmas shopping. Will be really good fun, havent been in a while! Was meant to go on thursday, but i had to work!!! Been working flat out over christmas which is good cos I need the money, but it does get tiring, I've just finished a 12 hour shift which hurt.... just like the good ole days in brum!!!!

Talking of brum... Im really tempted to just move back there... get away from everything, do my masters there and get an I.T. job!!! It would be nice!!! Well im off to bed now, the pubs last day before we close tomorrow and I've got a minimum of a 10 hour shift!!! so good night...

im hypocritical....

Yeah... Its been two and a half months since my last post, but so much has happened and I just havent been in the mood to write much...

I know on my last post i talked about the implications of my own death... well.... hmmm...

Me and laura finally broke up, and she moved back home, it was a bad time for me, I really do love her so much, even though I may not show it at times. but thats not the point... a few weeks after she moved back home she came up to visit and said she needed to talk to me, ok, i missed her and i knew that if i saw her again it would hurt like hell, but I went anyway. She dragged me off down iffley for a walk and talk, She turned round, when we were finally alone and told me shes three months pregnant. I was in shock, mainly becasue we both wanted kids, and after the last "scare" this was great news... I was so fucking happy, I was gonna be a dad, laura was gonna move back to oxford, we were gonna be together again... She went home on the sunday, I met her in town after i finished work at rosie's and I took her out for dinner. Yeah it wasnt the right time, but we went to shanghi 30's. Its a VERY posh chinese resturant. and neither of us were dressed for the occasion.

anyway... time goes on, we are constantly on the phone to each other... i lent her some cash, for food etc... I mean, you cant blame me, shes the one i love and the future mother of our child.

5 weeks ago yesterday (might be 6...) i got a phonecall, I was at lotties, just before going up to help Phil at scouts. It was laura, and she was upset... about 5 mins in, i broke down, She told me she had miscarried. I just crumbled. I havent really spoken about it til now... just a few nods to people and telling them what happened, but I havent spoken about how seriously its fucked me up. I mean, not only am i NOT going to be a dad, but Ive also lost laura, again. and I just feel like shit. even this far after it. Laura seems to be fine, yeah, shes been here before, but shit! shes acting like it happened to someone else. She came up a few weelks ago and i went to see her again... And we basically ignored each other. I mis her so much, but im also in so much pain.

Anyway... I'd be lying if i didnt say I feel like ending my life every second im awake, and I all i seem to dream about, is what im missing out on, laura and our child, our own house, etc etc...

I had even paid a £250 deposit on an engagement ring for her... it was a custom, hand made platinum diamond ring. well... bleh....

I just feel numb now, and i just dont care about anything. Havent been into uni properly since, and I feel empty. Also seeing Liz again ( my psycologist) Shes a great help, but i still wont talk to her about what happened... but shes reading this anyway... hi liz!

I really need to sort my life out again.... Get it back on track, and start actually speaking to people. Its one of the things that pissed laura off. All because i couldnt open up to her, but you know what im like when it comes to things like that. I clam up, etc... I feel trapped when i have to talk about myself. I just cant do it.

Anyway... I will change... hopefully sooner then later...

contemplations of death

so its 1:40am in the morning and im sat here, bored as hell... where to start...

Monday morning me and laura had a big arguement, via text message, and she said she might as well go back home to surrey, and she didnt care anymore, along with a few other choice words. This was all after she was meant to meet me in town at 12:30, cos i went to the job centre to sign of as I now have a bar job at Rosie O'Grady's. Started there last wednesday. Its a great job and its paying cash. but anyway, my bus pass expired at 1pm on monday and im skint, so was gonna meet laura then go home. But no, she changed her mind, yet a fucking gain!!! she wanted to wait til 1pm to meet me, and im sorry, but im not waiting around town for a whole hour for her, then have to walk home!

So that agruement sarted, and we met today, or rather, tuesday, and it was going ok, till after i went to the docs to pick up my prescription, and she wanted me to go back to hers, promising sex etc etc, and I know what "those" promises mean, absolutly fuck all! I ended going home, and i wasnt in the mood for sex anyway. Never thought iwould turn THAT down!

but she was in a mood with me, cos I was in a mood, because of how shes been, blaming me for never going to hers and always wanting her to come to mine. Its not that i dont want to see her, but if she comes to mine it means we are alone, instead of me going to hers and stacey and AJ being there. it just makes more sense! Im not saying i never want to go to hers, I honestly dont mind, but shes acting like Ive never been round there!

Anyway, stacey is a bitch and after last saturday, i dont really wanna speak to her. Both her and laura went into town drinking, i was working , and I was meant to meet them after work and come back and stay at lauras, but they were meant to pop into the pub for a drink, which they changed their minds on, then stacey phoned me at work, which got in into trouble with managment, and then, laura was ill and went home early, but before that, after the pub was closed, they were banging on the windows etc to try and get me, which got me into really big trouble.

anyway, laura text me in the end telling me to just go home. Which i did, so wasnt in the best of moods after that.

anyway, back to tuesday, she text me after i left saying "why bother anymore! Im not coming to youra all the fucking time! I have had enough of it"

So i replied "Im not asking you to come to mine ALL the time! You've had enough? then end it! Im fed up with having to wait around for you and you keep saying things that you dont actually do! I dont need the trouble ontop of work, uni and depression! Im out of cred so will text you thursday! I do love you! more then you know xx"

so yeah i was stupid, i told her to end it with me if thats what she wanted. I dont want it, but i also cant handle all of this! she replied hours later with "Oh what ever! why is it that you will only tell me what i have done when we are arguing? If thats what you want then i will end it! you can have your money on friday"

The money thing is about the £40 she owes me, that im not realyl worried about, but it has goten me down. She can afford to go out saturday, yet she cant pay me back! If i owe someone i skip going out so i can pay them! not tell them i have no money then go out on the town anyway!

of course, I cant reply to any of this either, cos im out of credit! which is pissing me off! thats the other thing, she always expects me to ring her, she never rings me, and now im not aloud to use the house phone, cos its costing my nan a small fourtune in phone bills which i cant afford!

After this text, I was home, I had myspaced sofi about it all, and shes helped me out tons! I owe her the world! shes always there when i need her! While typing all of it i was crying and when i finished i actually cried myself to sleep! Ive never ever cried so much! I really do love laura, but so much has changed since she started living with stacey! I never even cried at my nans funeral!

At about 5pm, while i was asleep i got another text saying "I dont want to end our relationship but im getting fed up of you not telling me what is up. Especially when its me! I love you"

That made me cry again! at least it shows she cared, I will speak to her on thursday when i get some cred! Also got another phone call from HMV offering me a job! haha! spend ages looking, and now ive got a job, this happens!

Spent ages comtemplating how i should kill myself, yeah i promised i wouldnt try it again after alison, but its how i felt! an i kinda still do, but i wont do anything stupid!

The thing is, if laura is like this when she cant see me and im only working 15-20 hours a week, whats she gonna be like when i start uni on monday, and im at uni 70 hours a week as well as worknig. And with her working nights its gonna get really hard! I still havent heard from brookes yet about where i need to be on monday! gonna ring them tomorrow morning! or whenever i wake up!

Good night!

2 months ago...

HAHAHA... Its been two months since i last wrote... so where do I start?

Yup, I'm stll with Laura, And Im not a virgin any more! happened around the 3rd July, cant remember exact date. My 23rd birthday went well, kinda, Had a joint birthday party at the Quarry gate with Gemma. At the end of the night, Gem and Carl had left, and we went shortly after... When leaving Stacey and Frazer started walking home and some guy started chatting her up, so we went back into the pub to phone a taxi for her, I popped down to the ATM to get a tenner out for it, andas I was on my way back to the pub, and stacey had felt sick, on her way out the back, into the garden to throw up she couldnt make it and was sick over the carpet, she spoke to one of the bar staff and got a brush and dustpan to clean it. As she was cleaning Stewart (the landlord) came out the backdoor into the back area where she was sick, and started having a go at her, he then grabbed her and started forcing us all out of the pub, he grabbed stacey and forced her out, and as frazer tried to stop it he punched him full force in the back, remembering, he's only 14 years old. As me and laura were leaving he pushed laura, and grabbed my arm, not that he did much to me, but he is a family friend, and I would of fucking killed him if i was sober!

The police have been informed, taken statements from stacey and laura, and when the police man gets back from holiday next week me and frazer will be giving our statements. He will then go and arrest Stewart. So its a happy ending.

Apart from that not much else has happened! Havent heard from brookes yet, but i know Ive been accepted. Got my certificates from college and I've passed there so thats great as well. Laura had a miscarrage yesterday and shes been kinda upset, not that we wanted a kid around at the moment, but this is the second one shes had, and we dont want complications when the time comes to accually want kids. I would of loved kids, but with four years at uni and laura working nights, now isnt the right time.

Im still job hunting without much luck, at least im getting job seekers, even if it did take ages for them to sort everything out. Also going down to see david and alexa tomorrow, or rather, Laura is going down to see them and im tagging along. as laura cant make their wedding next month.

will have to post more often! more later!

Fuck this for love...

Something is going on between me and Laura, but I havent got a clue what it is... When Im around her I get this feeling, Its like im not even in the damn room, and its driving me crazy! Over the past two days, shes only kissed me four times, twice today, and twice yesterday, and two of those times was because she wanted me to do something for her. They werent even kisses... not really... just pecks on the lips! Even worse, me, laura, lottie and stacey were all outside the backgarden at alans and chatting etc.. and they all start laughing about how i kiss... no way in hell would i go round talking about her to my mates like that. Let alone, laughing about it with my sister and my best mate in front of me! IT really pissed me off!

Apart from that, we've had no time, what so ever, alone together. Its really starting to fucking piss me off! This relationship is meant to be me and laura, not me, laura, lottie, alan, stacey and AJ. me and laura never do anything together. And when i do try to plan anything its "but what about lottie" or "oh im doing this" or "im doing that". Yeah, ok, its the longest Ive ever been in a relationship. 10 weeks today, so go me, but it doesnt feel like we are in a relationship!

I know, she only moved to oxford yesterday, and she needs time to settle down, but she hasnt even bloody well hugged me! Ive had more hugs and kisses from lottie then I have my own fucking girlfriend! Its really getting me down, and it doesnt help with the depression, and then laura or lottie notices it, and they want to know why im down, and im not about to turn to lottie and say "its because of you" or tell laura "its because lottie is always around". That would put them in a really bad mood, and after the other day (see previous post) It all feels like its gonna go tits up! and i dont know if i could cope if i lost laura. I mean emotionally! it would kill me, and Im tempted now to go hang myself, yet again, let alone if it ended between me and laura. She is, literally, the only reason Im still here at the moment!

Well, on the good news... ummm... have to think.... only 2 weeks left at college, so thats good! just hope I pass! also applied for a bar job at the black horse, so that would be great if i get the job! Thats really the only good news at the moment! To hell with this life! I really need to do something about it, but its not like i can say anything without pissing someone off! damn it all to hell!

THANKS A FUCKING LOT!

right.. I'll start from the beginning... Im depressed, and no, im not on "those" pills, got alot of personal reasons that im not gonna get into. Anyway, have my msn name set to "depressed - dont speak to me" and laura starts speaking to me, and i really love her and dont wanna talk to her about it and make her upset just cos im depressed. Anyway Lottie comes online, and starts going off on one about how i should talk to her about everything and how i dont speak to her or anything any more. and i texted her saying I dont speak about my problems and i dont trust anyone any more. and she said that why dont i trust her, and why wont i speak to her or laura about my problems. Can you blame me? after the julie thing, julie told me things that I have only "EVER" told lottie, yet lottie told me she didnt say anything. how can i trust her? yeah shes my best friend and i love her, but Im not used to trusting people, ive been hurt too many times. and not just by her. So I told lottie that ever since she moved to windsor shes the one thats seperated away from me, and even more so since she met alan. then I get no reply, the i just get a message saying "well frickin done!" which was from laura, cos guess what... lottie goes walkies! even though, shes said countless times "I dont go for "walks" any more! the next thing i get is

"with your attitude do you really think we are going to work,

im not having this discussion on here will see you sunday"

See... Lottie thinks she can solve all my problems. and even if I did tell her what was wrong, she wouldnt be able to help me! And Im sorry, Im not talking about my problems! now laura wants to talk, and she thinks if im like this then our relationship isnt gonna work out. Finally after finding someone I really truely love with all my heart, and she says that... My heart is beating so fucking fast now, I just feel like telling everyone to fuck off, and ending all this trouble. Its not that fucking hard! I did it once, I can do it again. I know! I promised that a wouldnt! but I dont have "those" types of friends around any more that could stop me! so maybe I just should go cut my wrists or something! fuck everyone! Yeah I dont want to loose laura, but I dont know what to do! Im not speaking to anyone about my problems! Im gonna see how i feel tomorrow! gonna go for a walk, need to clear my head!

Depressed

Fed up now! Life is shit at the moment. I kinda know why Im feeling like I do, I just dont understand it. saw Laura yesterday and her job interview went well. but lottie had a really really big fight with her mm so they aren't moving in now. They will now be staying at stacey's which isnt bad. Laura also has tonsilitis so I hope she gets well soon.

Phoned her today, around 10pm, cos she texted me saying shes in oxford. She went home this morning with lottie and lottie was coming back tonight but laura was meant to be working, which i take it she phoned in sick with the tonsilitis. but yeah... the phone call... It took 3 times for me to ring her before she answered, which i dont mind so much, she was probs busy. but its the way we spoke. Its like she didnt want to speak to me. and she didnt actualyl tell me why shes in oxford tonight. and she said "I will make time to see you tomorrow" those were her precise words. It sounded like its a chore to see me. no I love you after or anything.

Along with all this, my nan basically kicked me out this morning. Im still at home, but its really pissing me off! yeah ok, she worries about me, but im almost 23, im not ringing her every 5 minutes to let her know im ok, or that im staying out for the night, or i will be late or something. Its driving me fucking crazy. that ontop of how laura was on the phone, and I also got a phone call from Alison's brother like half an hour ago. First time ive spoken to him since me and ali broke up 5 years ago. Its just all brought back so many memories.

I just cant cope at the moment! Dont think i will go see laura tomorrow. just gonna go away somewhere and chill out. usual place... lol

Did have some good news today, Kala may not be going to iraq! shes getting married to some navy guy in september i think, but shes found out yesterday thats shes pregnant. so that puts a hold on active service! For those of you who dont know, Kala is an old online friend who is in the US Army. She was meant to be shipping out to Iraq on the 12th. Anyway, its good news! and shes sending me my invite to the wedding. just need to save up for it! probs wont be able to afford it anyway, but would be nice to finally meet her!!

Im gonna go cry myself to sleep now! I really am "THAT" depressed!

Damn it! Im really in love!

Yeah... ummm... Laura stayed round mine last wednesday night, was great fun, and we were able to chat together without anyone else being around. But i think its struck me that im actually in love. Yes Ive loved her since I met her, even before I started dating her, and tomorrow will be 7 weeks. But loving someone and actually being in love is different. its hard to explain, but im really really in love! Ive been in love before, you should all remember how i was with alison, but this is different. god, ummm... Im not sure how to put it into words, but it just feels different. Its ike, Id die for laura, Id do anything just to make her happy. But im not about to make the same mistakes as I did with alison. It all went too far, too quickly with ali, and I cant afford, mentally, to be heart broken again. If i didnt meet laura I would of been single for 5 years this juy, and its taken me a long long time to get over her. With a broken heart, I think laura has finaly mended it for me and Im ready to be in a serious relationship again. And I think laura is the one.

I think its the small things she does, like tickling the back of my neck, the way she cuddles me, the smile in her face when shes happy. Ive never been with someone like laura that makes me so fucking happy! Shes turned my life upside down and its all thanks to Lottie.

I know me and lottie have had a few arguements lately but I still love her, and thank you hunz! you introducing me to laura is the best thing that has ever happened! Lottie is kinda pissing everyone off at the moment, umm... I dont see her staying at her mom's when she moves back! Shes too clingy to Alan (her BF) and everything has to involve him. She cant do anything without him and if he needs to do something she will always go with him. Being like that its disrupting her family and she needs to get along with them if she plans on moving back home. Its not that anyone hates alan, but its that nothing happens when alan is there. Alan and lottie's lip are always plastered together and nothing ever gets donwe, no matter how important it might be! Alan is a nice guy and all, but lottie needs to sort out her priority's. If she spent some time helping out round the house, without alan, its not like alan will disappear. Alan will still be there and will still be her BF if she doesnt see him for a day or two! Im not even sure how lottie feels about alan, some people have said she doesnt even love alan and is just addicted to the sex. and the way she acts, im starting to believe it.

Anyway... if it continues this way, I dont see it working out between lottie and her mom! and if it doesnt Im not sure what will happen with laura living there. and If lottie distroys anything betwen me and laura I will never ever forgive her.

on to other news! Going to stay at lauras next sunday! should be fun, but im seeing her on wednesday as she has a job interview up here! so all is looking good! Abby and hayley are going out with each other so that just leaves nat to hook up with someone. But its all complicated. Cos Hayley loves nat, but nat is still in love with Becky but she also loves lois, but lois has a boyfriend! isnt it all so great! things will work out, they always do!

LP ROCK!

Not much going on really, Jsut chilling, missing Laura! really really missing her! I dont believe I actually cried when she left last sunday! Im sure I will cope, shes back here next weekend. and on her own this time! Lottie and Alan are going down to see Tylah and Julie. Laura has said she wants to do something with me Sunday, so that will be fun, some time on our own!

Zack has split up with Tylah, hes now with some other girl, and roumor has it hes moving back to Oxford, not sure on that. I dont really care anyway!

Finally got Linkin Park's new album, Minutes to Midnight. OMFG it is soooooooooo good! I love it! alot more mellow then their previous work, alot less of Chester screaming, and its easier to listen to! just need to learn the words to the songs now! I now have every single song ever released by Linkin Park, all their stuff before they became LP, and all the side bands that started up by LP members! The only thing I really want now is to see them live! They are playing download this year, but at £145 a ticket for some reason i dont think I can afford that! Its ashame really, but i think they will do a world tour after they release the album, so that will be cool! I dont care what I have to do, I WILL see them!

I really miss laura! ITs annoying, I dont usually fall in love this quickly! I mean, my friends know what Im like! I usually wait a5-6 years before I even ask someone out! lol! Without her around I feel heart broken! I just prey to god it works out, I cant afford, mentally, for this to fuck up! I know myself, if this relationship goes tits up, I'll end up kissing dirt! But I do honestly love her, and would do almost anything for her. God, Ive missed going into towns saturdays for her, just so i can see her. at least this weekend I can go into town and see the guys!

By the time laura is up here, it will be the longest Ive ever been in a relationship! hehe!

LAURA! I LOVE YOU!

And todays tunage is...... Linkin Park - In between

Why does it hurt so much?

Not so good today! Laura is down this weekend... and what is james doing? hes at home! why? I hear you ask... well... We all went to weatherspoons, me, laura, lottie, alan and jo, on friday night. Was great fun, and all went back to jos and i stayed there the night! laura lost her d600 mobile, which ruined it, but all in all the night was ok! come saturday, we all decided to go bowling so alan drove us to bowlplex but once we got in there was a 90 minute wait. We all (I SAID ALL) decided to go back to jo's grab a take-away and watch a dvd. it was a great idea. We stopped off at tesco's on the way home and did the shopping, but in tesco's jo told me i have to go home! shes a complete BITCH! this is the last night I have with laura as shes not up here for another 2 weeks! and then thats only a maybe. If she doesnt come up in two weeks im not gonna see her til june! jo said i had to go home anyway, but i was thinking of yeah after bowling, gives me some time to spend with laura before she goes home! but nope! its not like ive pissed jo off, after everything ive done for that fucking family! she could of let me and laura spend our last night together! Its not like the kids were there either! Frazer was at his dads, and hannah was at tony's! But hang on, worst thing is, Alan, who is always off down to windsor and can see lottie whenever he likes (cos hes got a car) was aloud to stay the night! Im sorry but im doing fuck all for jo now! Was gonna build a partition wall for her so theres enough rooms when lottie and laura move up, was helping her with the garden etc, but not any more! Laura wants me to go see her today, so we can say goodbye, but I feel so pissed off! Plus she's said dont come down til 5pm! and their train leaves at 7pm! That leaves about an hour! its rediculous! Im gonna go down their! just cos of laura! picking up my external hard drive that jo has been borrowing, cos its got some films on the kids wanted to watch, getting everything of mine outa that house and im not planning on going back there!

The good side of the story is, my nan turned round and said laura could of stayed the night! i was like oh my fucking god! shes bad enough when i want a friend to stay round, and now shes said my girlfriend can stay? lmfao! great, she even offered to drive her to the train station! that means going into town, which she never ever does! well, im gonna speak to laura, and see if she wantsto stay at mine next time shes up here!

Been with laura 3 weeks this monday! by the time shes back here it will be the longest, meaningful relationship ive been in! i know thats sad for a 22 year old, but oh well, my life and family hasnt really given me the chance to have a decent relationship in the past! Also theres a good chance of me getting a job soon at haha bar! its only bar backing but its a job and that means money! they said they are desperate for staff! and i actually like cellar work and bar backing etc! and you never know, it could lead to more!

still really pissed off! ned to take a walk! or do something! I cant even speak to lottie about it! and i always speak to her bout my problems, but cos it invloves her mom and laura, I dont want to tell her! I'll find a way of dealing with it!

peace xxx

And todays tunage is...... ocean Lab - Beautiful together

Happy 18th Lottie

A really big HAPPY 18th to Lottie! well, for yesterday anyway! my lil girl is all grown up now! I know its taken a while, but I think all our lives have changed! Lottie is moving back to Oxford at the end of June with Laura, Lotie is with Alan, Im with Laura, everything is back to how it used to be, Im actually not depressed and feeling great, which is a really big shock. For me and my friends. All my mates are happy for me, and Im feeling the best Ive felt in years!

The only thing i want to change now is for me to get a decent job that I enjoy and am going to keep! That and to catch up with my college work, but I dont see any problem with that. Money, and the lack of a job is getting to be a really big problem. Theres so much I want to do, which I cant at the moment! Like Im meant to be going down to see laura next weekend as its her 19th on the 1st May but Im not even sure if I can afford to do that. Gonna have to try to borrow some money.

God Im in love, Ive said it before I know, but Im saying it again! Laura is the best thing thats happened to me since... well... alison. and we all know what happened there. NO COMMENT! hopefully this wont end up the same way! couldnt go through all that again! Damn it james!

ummmm ok! stoped thinking about that now! soz! wont happen again! Im just so happy, and dont want to ruin it this time!

Laura I LOVE YOU!

Alot of stuff happening!

At the moment Im kinda pissed off, annoyed, depressed but also happy. The past two weeks have been half term which means alot of free time to catch up with college work and with my mates! Lottie has been up here with her friend, Laura. Had alot of fun, went swimming etc. Generally chilled out stuff. Ive fallen in love with Laura and as of Monday 9th April we have been dating. shes a great girl and I'm really in love. I know, Ive been single for almost five years now, and I didnt fall for the person I loved, but its all ok! Lottie is now with Alan, and Im now with Laura. Laura actually sent a text to her current boyfriend, whos in the states on hols and dumped him so she could go out with me. so Ive spent most of this week at Jo's as thats where Laura is staying. They have both gone back home now so thats made me a lil sad, but they are both back next weekend as its Lottie's 18th on the 21st so there will be a big party. Laura's 19th is on the 1st of May as well, so its going to be a joint birthday party.

Im mainly depressed cos Im fed up with life, my nans accused me of stealing money, yet again. and is in a really big mood with me. Im fed up with it all, I think Ive also upset Laura, according to Lottie she was kinda pissed off cos she wanted some alone time, and Ive been there constantly. But of course, no one said anything to me. All she needed to do was ask and i would of spent the day at home or something.

With my nans funeral, Lottie being here, me going out with Laura and my nan pestering me I've been in a really bad mood! havent spoken to any of my other friends and I havent done a single peice of course work and Im falling behind! Im really thinking about droping the course, moving out, going somewhere and moving away from it all!

either that or just ending this whole pile of shit right now! Im so close to killing myself it scares me! dont want to sound like an emo or anything, but thats how i feel! FUCKING HELL!

And todays tunage is...... Three Days Grace - Pain

long time, i know

Two months later....

Soz but lots of things have been going on! Ive stopped the roaccutane cos i just couldnt handle those damn side effects! did manage to do about 3 weeks tho! so wasnt all bad! still havent spoken to lottie! apparently shes been in oxford, not quite sure if my source was right on that one, but anyway! havent heard from her! I really miss her!!!!

Ive actually been to a VF meet! well, its not so much VF any more, but its great fun, today was the 5th or 6th time ive been, and went to rileys after with some of the guys! lol!

Also got my new website up and running! www.unjustified.co.uk still got some work to do on it! but at least its up and functioning!!!

now for the bad news! on 1st march my great grandmother passed away! I knew she was dying, shes aged 96 and no one can live forever! but its still painful to lose a loved one! had the funeral last thursday, and am now sorting out her house and everything!

Havent been to college in 2 weeks because of whats gone on, and im back on monday. it will be nice to catch up with everyone etc! only popping into college on monday as i still have a few things to sort out! but back full time on tuesday!

Also heard back from brookes and ive got my acceptance to the multimedia systems / computing combined degree! thats good, and ive just got my pack to apply for the student loans etc! filled most of them out etc just the final touches to do!

the funeral did do at least one good thing, all the family was together again! my nan and susan (her sister from austrailia), my dad and mom, my bro and sis, my uncle garry came over from the states, his daughter holly came down from uni in manchester, my uncle jonathan and his some ryan, and my other uncle wayne came down from blackpool!

Got some good pics and will post them on my website asap!


And todays tunage is...... Three Days Grace - It's all over

torn apart

ummm... where do I start? Im like torn up inside... I started taking those roaccutaine yesterday, and I hope they work, but i dont want the side effects. I know im depressed, and im sure the pills side effects cant act this fast, so it must be my usual depression. But these pills have so many side effects its crazy! dry skin and lips, depression, suicidal thoughts, moodiness, dislike of brightness and in rare cases, attepted suicide / suicide, kidney and liver failure and eye problems

oh well..... cindy was online like ummm now.. and shes in some mood which is probs why im in this mood. she usually cheers me up! also lottie is avoiding me for some reason. Shes dont answering my calls or replying to my texts. I dont know if its anything to do with me telling her i love her... as in we actually talked about it and stuff when she was here, or if shes just busy. gonna go and be depressed now! laters

Happiness takes a 360

Lottie come up yesterday, shes going home in about 30mins. Went with her last night to youth works which wasnt that bad. But we went to the pub afterwards and she only had one drink... totally unlike her. I know shes stressed about getting a place to live and family problems and what not, but still...

The subject about me and her came up on more than one occassion and all i get is no or she changes the subject. I actually asked her why she wouldnt go out with me, oh guess what... subject change, or the "but your like an older brother to me!" statement. I love her, really really really LOVE her and it breaks my heart to be near her and know that i cant have her, if that makes sense, but i still go see her, cos i know she needs a friendly face around, and we get on really well. GOD! i love her so much ive even stopped looking at other girls. Its weird, cos i know i should move on, but i cant.

ON OTHER NEWS...

Went to the dermotologist on thursday and they have put me back onto Roaccutane which is the strongest stuff they have. Only way of getting it is through a hospital script. Its that powerful a drug that the normal docs cant even prescribe it. The problem is the side effects. Hense the reason i stopped taking it last time. Dry skin and lips, which i can live with if it helps, but depression and moodiness, really quick mood changes, sensitivity to bright lights, and in the severe cases, suicidal thoughts etc.

Oh the joy!

Waiting for blood tests which i will get back on monday to give me the all clear, and i can start taking them. They have to check my fat levels, and protiens in my liver as it could cas damage to them as well. Will need regualy check ups every month or two.

Also got a letter from UCAS and have been given a conditional acceptence onto the multimedia systems / computing HSc degree course at brookes. The only condition is that I pass this stupid access course at college. but thats all ok and this time next year i will be at uni!

Also got a leter from mices, the internet cafe about how much they are in debt and that means i should be hearing about the pay they owe me! Not sure how much I will get but i cant wait. It will pay for some of my bills etc or i might just blow it all on junk as usual! like updating my new computer etc.

Gotta get off to work. Oh they are gonna love it when i tell them bout this new drug and the side effects it will cause, and that i will need more time off. Im already depressed! i dont really need the depression increased from these drugs, plus the pressure from family, college, and work!

My life is so great isnt it?

ok sorry, i'll stop being sarcastic now! i hate my life and everything else!

Back to college... ...I love her!

I've been back to college for a week now, and its all going well! My programming assignment has gone really well and I think im doing ok in everything else. Christmas hols was all ok! and even though I didnt get much Im loving my freeview box! Ive also got a new computer! specs are as follows!

Intel Celeron 3.2GHz Socket 775 Cedar Mill 65nm Core
512Kb L2 cache
ATI Chipset Intel 102GGC2 Mobo
533MHz FSB
80Gb HDD 2Mb cache 7200rpm Western Digital
512Mb PC4300 (266MHz) DDR2 SD-RAM Samsung
Lite-on DVD-RW
ATI Radeon Xpress 200 Graphics
DirectX 9.0c
Windows XP Home SP2
Linksys Wireless-G PCI Adapter

Its just great, compared to my 1.2GHz celeron piece of shit! Anyway...

Really missing Lottie,but shes coming up on thursday, and staying til sunday so that will be good! I really should ask her out, but I know what shes going to say, cos of the distance and stuff. I dont even know if she still feels the same way for me, or if she actually meant it when she said she had those certain feelings. Its way too confusing, and I really love her! And Lottie, I know you read this... so...

I LOVE YOU!

but you know how i feel and you know i mean it! I'd do anything for you!

sorry to everyone else whos reading this, but haha!

Also... I've brought the new splinter cell game which is just great! Also done a 13 hour shift at work for the stock take, then went to the pub afterwards, and seeming as it was a sunday, the only place open that late at night was the Oxford retreat which cost a fourtune! I spent over £50 that night, but i dont really mind cos I dont do it much!

umm... Nothing else much has happened! more laters!

Peace!

And todays tunage is...... PPK - Resurrection