Fuck this for love...

Something is going on between me and Laura, but I havent got a clue what it is... When Im around her I get this feeling, Its like im not even in the damn room, and its driving me crazy! Over the past two days, shes only kissed me four times, twice today, and twice yesterday, and two of those times was because she wanted me to do something for her. They werent even kisses... not really... just pecks on the lips! Even worse, me, laura, lottie and stacey were all outside the backgarden at alans and chatting etc.. and they all start laughing about how i kiss... no way in hell would i go round talking about her to my mates like that. Let alone, laughing about it with my sister and my best mate in front of me! IT really pissed me off!

Apart from that, we've had no time, what so ever, alone together. Its really starting to fucking piss me off! This relationship is meant to be me and laura, not me, laura, lottie, alan, stacey and AJ. me and laura never do anything together. And when i do try to plan anything its "but what about lottie" or "oh im doing this" or "im doing that". Yeah, ok, its the longest Ive ever been in a relationship. 10 weeks today, so go me, but it doesnt feel like we are in a relationship!

I know, she only moved to oxford yesterday, and she needs time to settle down, but she hasnt even bloody well hugged me! Ive had more hugs and kisses from lottie then I have my own fucking girlfriend! Its really getting me down, and it doesnt help with the depression, and then laura or lottie notices it, and they want to know why im down, and im not about to turn to lottie and say "its because of you" or tell laura "its because lottie is always around". That would put them in a really bad mood, and after the other day (see previous post) It all feels like its gonna go tits up! and i dont know if i could cope if i lost laura. I mean emotionally! it would kill me, and Im tempted now to go hang myself, yet again, let alone if it ended between me and laura. She is, literally, the only reason Im still here at the moment!

Well, on the good news... ummm... have to think.... only 2 weeks left at college, so thats good! just hope I pass! also applied for a bar job at the black horse, so that would be great if i get the job! Thats really the only good news at the moment! To hell with this life! I really need to do something about it, but its not like i can say anything without pissing someone off! damn it all to hell!

THANKS A FUCKING LOT!

right.. I'll start from the beginning... Im depressed, and no, im not on "those" pills, got alot of personal reasons that im not gonna get into. Anyway, have my msn name set to "depressed - dont speak to me" and laura starts speaking to me, and i really love her and dont wanna talk to her about it and make her upset just cos im depressed. Anyway Lottie comes online, and starts going off on one about how i should talk to her about everything and how i dont speak to her or anything any more. and i texted her saying I dont speak about my problems and i dont trust anyone any more. and she said that why dont i trust her, and why wont i speak to her or laura about my problems. Can you blame me? after the julie thing, julie told me things that I have only "EVER" told lottie, yet lottie told me she didnt say anything. how can i trust her? yeah shes my best friend and i love her, but Im not used to trusting people, ive been hurt too many times. and not just by her. So I told lottie that ever since she moved to windsor shes the one thats seperated away from me, and even more so since she met alan. then I get no reply, the i just get a message saying "well frickin done!" which was from laura, cos guess what... lottie goes walkies! even though, shes said countless times "I dont go for "walks" any more! the next thing i get is

"with your attitude do you really think we are going to work,

im not having this discussion on here will see you sunday"

See... Lottie thinks she can solve all my problems. and even if I did tell her what was wrong, she wouldnt be able to help me! And Im sorry, Im not talking about my problems! now laura wants to talk, and she thinks if im like this then our relationship isnt gonna work out. Finally after finding someone I really truely love with all my heart, and she says that... My heart is beating so fucking fast now, I just feel like telling everyone to fuck off, and ending all this trouble. Its not that fucking hard! I did it once, I can do it again. I know! I promised that a wouldnt! but I dont have "those" types of friends around any more that could stop me! so maybe I just should go cut my wrists or something! fuck everyone! Yeah I dont want to loose laura, but I dont know what to do! Im not speaking to anyone about my problems! Im gonna see how i feel tomorrow! gonna go for a walk, need to clear my head!

Depressed

Fed up now! Life is shit at the moment. I kinda know why Im feeling like I do, I just dont understand it. saw Laura yesterday and her job interview went well. but lottie had a really really big fight with her mm so they aren't moving in now. They will now be staying at stacey's which isnt bad. Laura also has tonsilitis so I hope she gets well soon.

Phoned her today, around 10pm, cos she texted me saying shes in oxford. She went home this morning with lottie and lottie was coming back tonight but laura was meant to be working, which i take it she phoned in sick with the tonsilitis. but yeah... the phone call... It took 3 times for me to ring her before she answered, which i dont mind so much, she was probs busy. but its the way we spoke. Its like she didnt want to speak to me. and she didnt actualyl tell me why shes in oxford tonight. and she said "I will make time to see you tomorrow" those were her precise words. It sounded like its a chore to see me. no I love you after or anything.

Along with all this, my nan basically kicked me out this morning. Im still at home, but its really pissing me off! yeah ok, she worries about me, but im almost 23, im not ringing her every 5 minutes to let her know im ok, or that im staying out for the night, or i will be late or something. Its driving me fucking crazy. that ontop of how laura was on the phone, and I also got a phone call from Alison's brother like half an hour ago. First time ive spoken to him since me and ali broke up 5 years ago. Its just all brought back so many memories.

I just cant cope at the moment! Dont think i will go see laura tomorrow. just gonna go away somewhere and chill out. usual place... lol

Did have some good news today, Kala may not be going to iraq! shes getting married to some navy guy in september i think, but shes found out yesterday thats shes pregnant. so that puts a hold on active service! For those of you who dont know, Kala is an old online friend who is in the US Army. She was meant to be shipping out to Iraq on the 12th. Anyway, its good news! and shes sending me my invite to the wedding. just need to save up for it! probs wont be able to afford it anyway, but would be nice to finally meet her!!

Im gonna go cry myself to sleep now! I really am "THAT" depressed!

Damn it! Im really in love!

Yeah... ummm... Laura stayed round mine last wednesday night, was great fun, and we were able to chat together without anyone else being around. But i think its struck me that im actually in love. Yes Ive loved her since I met her, even before I started dating her, and tomorrow will be 7 weeks. But loving someone and actually being in love is different. its hard to explain, but im really really in love! Ive been in love before, you should all remember how i was with alison, but this is different. god, ummm... Im not sure how to put it into words, but it just feels different. Its ike, Id die for laura, Id do anything just to make her happy. But im not about to make the same mistakes as I did with alison. It all went too far, too quickly with ali, and I cant afford, mentally, to be heart broken again. If i didnt meet laura I would of been single for 5 years this juy, and its taken me a long long time to get over her. With a broken heart, I think laura has finaly mended it for me and Im ready to be in a serious relationship again. And I think laura is the one.

I think its the small things she does, like tickling the back of my neck, the way she cuddles me, the smile in her face when shes happy. Ive never been with someone like laura that makes me so fucking happy! Shes turned my life upside down and its all thanks to Lottie.

I know me and lottie have had a few arguements lately but I still love her, and thank you hunz! you introducing me to laura is the best thing that has ever happened! Lottie is kinda pissing everyone off at the moment, umm... I dont see her staying at her mom's when she moves back! Shes too clingy to Alan (her BF) and everything has to involve him. She cant do anything without him and if he needs to do something she will always go with him. Being like that its disrupting her family and she needs to get along with them if she plans on moving back home. Its not that anyone hates alan, but its that nothing happens when alan is there. Alan and lottie's lip are always plastered together and nothing ever gets donwe, no matter how important it might be! Alan is a nice guy and all, but lottie needs to sort out her priority's. If she spent some time helping out round the house, without alan, its not like alan will disappear. Alan will still be there and will still be her BF if she doesnt see him for a day or two! Im not even sure how lottie feels about alan, some people have said she doesnt even love alan and is just addicted to the sex. and the way she acts, im starting to believe it.

Anyway... if it continues this way, I dont see it working out between lottie and her mom! and if it doesnt Im not sure what will happen with laura living there. and If lottie distroys anything betwen me and laura I will never ever forgive her.

on to other news! Going to stay at lauras next sunday! should be fun, but im seeing her on wednesday as she has a job interview up here! so all is looking good! Abby and hayley are going out with each other so that just leaves nat to hook up with someone. But its all complicated. Cos Hayley loves nat, but nat is still in love with Becky but she also loves lois, but lois has a boyfriend! isnt it all so great! things will work out, they always do!