Forgotten pasts

Well Well Well... After all this time Cindy has spoken to me! It must be about a year since we broke up and she went out with my mate, and all that.... and I had put it all in the past, and forgotten all about it! I mean, ok, Ive forgiven her and my mate, not that i will ever trust him again, and hardly speak to him. But forCindy to speak to me again was a big shock. She was appologizing and all that and I told her just to forget it all, its all in the past and everything happens for a reason. blah blah blah... And now its like none of it ever happened and shes come out with she still has feelings for me..... I mean... Ok, after speaking to her all day, its brought back some feelings Id rather not have. Istill love her, deeply, but after my best mate breaking us up then her going out with him. And with all the depression and stuff i went through, I still love her, but dont know if i could ever trust her again! What in the hell do I do? And I still have feelings for Lottie! Even though I know thats not going anywhere. I just dont know what to do! I feel lost inside, and havent a clue where my life is going! Why do I always fall in love with girls I cant have!

Enough of that! Im going to sleep on it, and see what happens! Its 4 am and Im not even tired! I cant get back into this routine! It would be murder if i was at college! Half term is going ok! Got some work I really should do! and I havent started it yet! Think I'll do it tomorrow! Damn I miss Lottie! Gonna ring her tomorrow as well! Rang tonight around 11pm and hannah answered! Which means shes gone down without me, which has pissed me off! Not that i could afford it anyway but she could of let me know!


And todays tunage is...... Atreyu - This flesh a tomb

OMG over a month!

Oh my god! Its been over a month since my last post! Nothing much has really happened though! Last week I got the flu and have been off college which is a big pain! I cant afford to have any time off college! For the few days I was laid up in bed but I went and stayed at Gemma's on the friday night and it was leah's 2nd birthday! Was going to stay for the party on saturday but didnt want to give anyone else the flu! Since Thursday Ivealso stopped smoking! It was mainly because I couldnt breathe, but now I can and I still havent had a cigarette! Ohh. Me lies!I did have a light last night, the withdrawal just got too bad and I couldnt sleep! It felt weird and I know I shouldnt of done it. I'm gonna go to the docs and ask them what I can do and see if i can get some nicorette gum or something from them! The withdrawal is really really bad and I hate these cravings!

Also Lewis got arrested the other day, something to do with Robin and AJ and blah blah blah! But imagine your own dad phoning the cops and having you arrested! haha!

As for everything else, its all as usual! Havent heard from lottie in a while, I might phone her later on! After she finishes college. Gonna go round to see Jo on sunday.

OHH!!!!!

I HAVE AN IPOD!

My mp3 player broke a while ago and I told my nan and told her I need it for college to bring work home on it! and while we were at the base she asked if theres anything i wanted, and they had Ipods there so i said yeah but she wouldnt like the price. She asked what it was, and she brought me one! I was shocked!

So Im now the proud owner of a silver 4Gb IPOD NANO!

hehe!

Its so cool! got pics and games and a calender etc on it! Im loving it! Even with my hate for everything apple! lol!

hmmmm..... Lottie!

Lottie went home yesterday! She stayed an extra day which was good! I know I didnt see her on Friday or Saturday, but I was too depressed, and being around her brings out feelings Id rather not have! As much as I love her, being near her brings that all out, and when I know I cant have her just hurts beyond words. She phoned me Sunday morning and told me she was still in Oxford, So I went to meet her, and take her to the train station. We hugged as usual but I swear theres something there. She says she loves me, but why doesnt she do anything about it? It really hurts and confuses me! I dont know how to speak to her about it either! Its creating vibes between us, and I dont want us to fall out because of this! I know theres the distance thing, I can see that, and I know what a pain it can be, but isnt it worth a try? Just to see if it would work? Its not like we never see or speak to each other... Even if it doesnt work, at least we gave it a try, and we could still be friends after, Nothing is going to stop me loving her, even if it doesnt work out! DAMN MY LIFE!

College is going ok, a lil boring as usual! but Im waiting for it to pick up! Hopefully it will soon! everything else is, well, shit! Im just fed up with everything! life, death, family, friends, college....

is suicide legal?

God I feel depressed today! god knows why with Lottie in oxford, but my life is seriously messed up! I mean, I know I feel depressed quite a bit, more than any sane person should, but today is worse then ever! I just feel like dying, and I know its not gonna happen, and im not even about to try it! I learnt my lesson on that subject 4 years ago! I might just go for a long walk! I'll go into town and hand in my application for that job at staples and walk around to clear my head!

She said no, and I understand why

But being with her makes me feel high

Being without her is like living a lie

Without her here I might as well die

Love is complicated

Lottie came to Oxford today! Shes going to a funeral tomorrow with Bev and she is staying in Oxford til Saturday! Ive spent all of today with her! God I love her! Why does it have to be so complicated! Why cant we just go out with each other? Zack or Tylah have told Lewis bout how I wanna go out with Lottie and lewis has started spreading it around, and frazer found out and told me! Ive had to deny any of it cos Lottie has been there, but she knows how I feel bout her. I think she feels the same but she cantmake up her mind. and I can see her side of it, with dating each other it could seriously ruin our friendship and that means the world to both of us! Im just confused and dont know what to do!

I left her at Bevs tonight, about an hour ago, and we were at the door and hugged then were both just standing there, hugging looking into each others eyes, and i could see it in her eyes. or at least i think i did, that she loves me?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Am I getting carried away with myself? or could we make this work? Im lost for words now! I havent got a clue about what to do! I was planning on asking her out while she was in oxford, but with lewis opening his big gob, I dont think i can do it now.

God its hard to explain, but i swear she has feelings for me, its the way she speaks to me, and looks at me, and the subtle hints that im getting. Not sure if shes sending out the hints on purpose, or if its her subconcous, butI LOVE HER!

Anyway, college is going ok, Im actually starting to learn things now! MAde quite a few friends on my course,but Im still not speaking to any of my old friends like kelly, chrystal and that lot! Also, I still havent got a job yet! stil looking, but Ive picked up an application for staples, the stationarystore on park end street, and that looks like a decent job, but i want to do warehouse or merchandizing.. I will see what the have got! The student union has also got their bar licence by the looks of it so im gonna pop in on monday and see about a job there! if theyt have a place!

Good night ppl! gonna go to bed now and dream of lottie! hehe!

And todays tunage is...... Staind - So far away