So its Demi's 21st and Ive spent the best part of 6-7 hours in the Gloc helping her celebrate! you'd think I'd be happy... think again! Not only am I depressed anyway, but Char was there with Sam, then Elly turned up, and to top it all, Charlie. And Charlie is umm.. I'd say going out with, but its more like, sleeping around with, Churchy of all people. Now dont get me wrong... it was a good night, but having your ex, who doesn't want anything to do with you, an ex who your still madly in love with, and the girl you've fancied for god knows how long with her, for lack of a better word, boyfriend... It just tipped me over the edge on the depression scale! Now try explaining any of this to anyone, and trying to pretend your actually having a good time so as not to ruin it for demi... ontop of my already "worst depression since the miscarrage" state... it kinda sucks!
I really cant be fucked with any of it any more! Im fed up, want to end my life, and really dont give a fuck what anyone says! Fuck the promises I made, and fuck everyone who tries stopping me! I know, I proberly wont go through with it, but its how Im feeling at the moment! If I want to be all doom and gloom and morose about it all, then no ones gonna stop me!
On other news, been playing Rift... tis the next big competitor for WoW, and is actually really good! Not sure how much its gonna cost or anything yet, will have to wait and see, but the beta is going really well and i like the majority of it all! Oh, and Im back at work on the 28th Feb! so thats good news! Im hoping it will help with this stupid depression, but at the moment, I dont think that will even work!
Anyway... Im gonna curl up in bed with my book! Good night x
Sunday, 20 February 2011
Saturday, 12 February 2011
a few months later...
so its been a while... and alot has happened, But Ive been serverly depressed and havent had the motivation to write any of it yet... so here goes!
Last november... fireworks and stuff... i was single... I still am, but i will get to that! The Linkin Park gig was totally awesome! Alot of their old stuff was played, and i saw LINKIN PARK!!!! my life long all time favourite band! Thing is, i wasnt in the mood for it! Yeah, at the time i was enjoying life, even with being single! But that afternoon, as i was walking through birmingham town centre I get a phone call from demi. One of my close friends Matt had been missing a few days, and I had demi crying on the phone... The police had found Matt that morning, dead, in a stream. You all know Im not one for crying, but i broke down. Ive known matt years, he was such a good friend, and wouldnt hurt a fly. I totally ruined the gigI still had a good time, but being stuck in birmingham, when everyone was back at home trying to come to terms with this news, i felt like i just couldnt do any thing. I had no one to turn to either. Ive lost a few people before, I know the whole grief thing, and the only person i had was demi, who was like matt's sister, crying her eyes out on the phone to me... so here starts the depression. I got back to oxford the day after, and the first thing i did was walk into the gloc, and have half a pint in Matt's honor! First drink in about 14 months!
Because of the suspicious nature of his death, the funeral took a lil longer then the usual week after the death thing, but by this time, 10 days later, I heard another friend, Trev, passed away. Both friends, in the same circle of friends, both younger then me... I was just... no... it cant be happening. By this point, I just didnt know what to do with myself :( I was also getting a cold as well, which made things worse. So we had matt's funeral, it was an amazing turnout... machine head - halo played him in, and there wasn't even standing space left outside! A week after, it was trev's funeral, which i was told was amazing, but my cold had gotten so bad i was bed ridden and couldnt make it :(
Enough of the gloom, it started my depression, and i still dont think I've grasped the whole of it and come to terms with it all. Christmas came and went without much fanfare. Didnt get much, what i did was shit, and really, its just another christmas and im not gonna prattle on about how i hate christmas. blah blah blah... New year on the other hand, epic! thats the only word to discribe it... Demi came round mine to drop of stuff as she was staying the night, then me and her went round to meet dom and Rhea! We all went to the gloc, had an amazing time, the photo's are all on my facebook! Got a taxi back to Rhea's and then me and Demi went back to mine, chatted a bit, and bed by 4am ish was a great time!
While all this happened, the day before new years eve, Char wanted to see me and talk... Talking, joking around, like we were friends again, led to other things, we ended up having sex, and yeah... I dont know why it happened... yes i did and still do have feelings for her, and yes i was missing the sex, but im not gonna explain myself to you all. Anyway, we ended up back together, it lasted a whole 5 days. Or roughly. My depression was pretty bad here and ive lost track of dates. Anyway, we've parted on pretty bad terms, not speaking, shes deleted me from facebook and msn, and it was her choice. I said i still wanted to be friends, it was me who ended it, with no chance of getting back together, but she decided to cut me out, which i understand. She was, or maybe still is, madly in love with me, and ive been there, so i know what shes going through. To be honest I dont really blaim her, i was a total idiot.
A while ago was speaking to laura, not the ex, the laura from that blind date i went on years and years ago... She said she likes me, and I liked her, but we werent going to get in a relationship because 1, I couldnt deal with that with all my problems and depression at the time, and 2, because last year she lost her partner, and father of her daughter. Im not sure how he passed away, and I wasnt about to start a convo about him, but she wanted to wait a while and take things slow... fine by me, until i find out a bit later, a mutual friend of ours also likes her, and after him saying that she dumped him, which didnt happen, he asked her out and she said no.. he then played the "im depressed now" card, and a week later, he's now posting that he's going out with her... and shes denying it... yet she spends weekends at his, and wants to move to live near him. Hmmmm... Both of them, along with some other people who have pissed me off recently have been deleted from my facebook. She's twice tried adding me back, but i just cant be bothered with any of it.
On the stomach pain front... I rang up about my MRI results... they were sent to the wrong consultant, and was told, after the receptionist of my consultant tracked them down, she said, off the record, they are all clear... I then get a letter from my consultant, after he's looked at them, saying there is a small anomily, which looks too small to be causing this pain but it will need to be looked at, so he's made an appointment to talk to me about what to do... thing is, this appointment is not until august! Not happy with that! Ringing them up, for a second time, to try to change it on monday! Also on monday, I have an appointment with work, to go back, my GP has signed me off saying i can work 2-3 hours a day, 1 or 2 days a week as and when i feel upto it, and work are happy to have me back and can adjust to what i need, so i will be doing stock checks and paperwork etc.
Ive also had my first appointment, my second is monday after my work appointment, with shaw trust, who deal with my benefits, they have said i can earn upto £90 a week and still get my benefits! Im also going to speak to them about getting my bar licence, and first aid qualifications, and maybe an SLI licence as well! all paid for by them, so that will be a great help!
The past two weeks, Ive been severely depressed, more so, greatly, then normal. I dont know why! I know Ive got alot going on, and lifes a bitch etc, but Im used to it, i should be able to deal with it all, but i cant! In the last 2 weeks, last night is the first time Ive been out to see friends and not to pop to the shop to buy cigarettes! Oh and to add to the depression, I only have £80 to last me 2 weeks, and £400 worth of bills that need to be paid in the next 3 days! ehhh... just had enough of it all! Lifes a bitch, my life is the bitches mother!
And todays tunage is...... Drowning Pool - Paralyzed
Last november... fireworks and stuff... i was single... I still am, but i will get to that! The Linkin Park gig was totally awesome! Alot of their old stuff was played, and i saw LINKIN PARK!!!! my life long all time favourite band! Thing is, i wasnt in the mood for it! Yeah, at the time i was enjoying life, even with being single! But that afternoon, as i was walking through birmingham town centre I get a phone call from demi. One of my close friends Matt had been missing a few days, and I had demi crying on the phone... The police had found Matt that morning, dead, in a stream. You all know Im not one for crying, but i broke down. Ive known matt years, he was such a good friend, and wouldnt hurt a fly. I totally ruined the gigI still had a good time, but being stuck in birmingham, when everyone was back at home trying to come to terms with this news, i felt like i just couldnt do any thing. I had no one to turn to either. Ive lost a few people before, I know the whole grief thing, and the only person i had was demi, who was like matt's sister, crying her eyes out on the phone to me... so here starts the depression. I got back to oxford the day after, and the first thing i did was walk into the gloc, and have half a pint in Matt's honor! First drink in about 14 months!
Because of the suspicious nature of his death, the funeral took a lil longer then the usual week after the death thing, but by this time, 10 days later, I heard another friend, Trev, passed away. Both friends, in the same circle of friends, both younger then me... I was just... no... it cant be happening. By this point, I just didnt know what to do with myself :( I was also getting a cold as well, which made things worse. So we had matt's funeral, it was an amazing turnout... machine head - halo played him in, and there wasn't even standing space left outside! A week after, it was trev's funeral, which i was told was amazing, but my cold had gotten so bad i was bed ridden and couldnt make it :(
Enough of the gloom, it started my depression, and i still dont think I've grasped the whole of it and come to terms with it all. Christmas came and went without much fanfare. Didnt get much, what i did was shit, and really, its just another christmas and im not gonna prattle on about how i hate christmas. blah blah blah... New year on the other hand, epic! thats the only word to discribe it... Demi came round mine to drop of stuff as she was staying the night, then me and her went round to meet dom and Rhea! We all went to the gloc, had an amazing time, the photo's are all on my facebook! Got a taxi back to Rhea's and then me and Demi went back to mine, chatted a bit, and bed by 4am ish was a great time!
While all this happened, the day before new years eve, Char wanted to see me and talk... Talking, joking around, like we were friends again, led to other things, we ended up having sex, and yeah... I dont know why it happened... yes i did and still do have feelings for her, and yes i was missing the sex, but im not gonna explain myself to you all. Anyway, we ended up back together, it lasted a whole 5 days. Or roughly. My depression was pretty bad here and ive lost track of dates. Anyway, we've parted on pretty bad terms, not speaking, shes deleted me from facebook and msn, and it was her choice. I said i still wanted to be friends, it was me who ended it, with no chance of getting back together, but she decided to cut me out, which i understand. She was, or maybe still is, madly in love with me, and ive been there, so i know what shes going through. To be honest I dont really blaim her, i was a total idiot.
A while ago was speaking to laura, not the ex, the laura from that blind date i went on years and years ago... She said she likes me, and I liked her, but we werent going to get in a relationship because 1, I couldnt deal with that with all my problems and depression at the time, and 2, because last year she lost her partner, and father of her daughter. Im not sure how he passed away, and I wasnt about to start a convo about him, but she wanted to wait a while and take things slow... fine by me, until i find out a bit later, a mutual friend of ours also likes her, and after him saying that she dumped him, which didnt happen, he asked her out and she said no.. he then played the "im depressed now" card, and a week later, he's now posting that he's going out with her... and shes denying it... yet she spends weekends at his, and wants to move to live near him. Hmmmm... Both of them, along with some other people who have pissed me off recently have been deleted from my facebook. She's twice tried adding me back, but i just cant be bothered with any of it.
On the stomach pain front... I rang up about my MRI results... they were sent to the wrong consultant, and was told, after the receptionist of my consultant tracked them down, she said, off the record, they are all clear... I then get a letter from my consultant, after he's looked at them, saying there is a small anomily, which looks too small to be causing this pain but it will need to be looked at, so he's made an appointment to talk to me about what to do... thing is, this appointment is not until august! Not happy with that! Ringing them up, for a second time, to try to change it on monday! Also on monday, I have an appointment with work, to go back, my GP has signed me off saying i can work 2-3 hours a day, 1 or 2 days a week as and when i feel upto it, and work are happy to have me back and can adjust to what i need, so i will be doing stock checks and paperwork etc.
Ive also had my first appointment, my second is monday after my work appointment, with shaw trust, who deal with my benefits, they have said i can earn upto £90 a week and still get my benefits! Im also going to speak to them about getting my bar licence, and first aid qualifications, and maybe an SLI licence as well! all paid for by them, so that will be a great help!
The past two weeks, Ive been severely depressed, more so, greatly, then normal. I dont know why! I know Ive got alot going on, and lifes a bitch etc, but Im used to it, i should be able to deal with it all, but i cant! In the last 2 weeks, last night is the first time Ive been out to see friends and not to pop to the shop to buy cigarettes! Oh and to add to the depression, I only have £80 to last me 2 weeks, and £400 worth of bills that need to be paid in the next 3 days! ehhh... just had enough of it all! Lifes a bitch, my life is the bitches mother!
And todays tunage is...... Drowning Pool - Paralyzed
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