and the shit continues

Hey, Its Bank Holiday Monday, just dropped Laura off at the train station, and i feel like shit! Im just fed up with EVERYTHING! with laura, with work, with uni, with family, with money problems, with my nan, with every tiny little part of my pathetic life... I just dont know what to do any more!

As much as I love laura, every time she comes up to visit, which is near on every week or two, I just feel that i cant be myself, and chill out. I dont go into town to meet my friends, my nan constantly moans at me, my cigarettes last only half as long, which means i have to end up borrowing money, which i get moaned at about even more, and all my money seems to disappear! admittedly, im not taking her for meals etc, shes paying for them, at least for the last few months. Its just... oh I dont know... she doesnt show she loves me, Im one of those clingy people, I like just laying in bed cuddling, holding hands, kissing, and I mean prperly kissing, not the laura kissing which is just a peck on the lips, the lack of sex, gone well over 2 months now... and the distance doesnt help anything! and every time shes up here shes got something wrong with her. Yeah I know shes proberly going through alot, shes back on anti-depressants etc, but I dont need to hear about it every week, I've got my own problems to sort out.... Theres so much more i could go on about, but i just cant be bothered any more...

With work its not so bad, Its like when me and Rahim had the fight never happened... and all is good, give or take the new assisstant manager. He's taken over lou's job, and I'm sorry but hes shit. He's a good barman, but hes really lazy and has never had a supervisors job before, let alone assisstant manager, he cant take a joke half the time, and is just generally not cut out for the job! I should of taken the damn job offer!!! It would of gotten me away from my nan and out of this stupid mess!

Saying that... life isnt bad at home, all my bills are paid for, and internet, telephone, food etc is all free, its just the incandessent, constant moaning at every single thing i do! With my depression at an all time low, I dont need my nan moaning at me 24/7

Money wise, Im only £200 over my £1000 overdraft! and I still got £1500 on my debt to pay! plus what I owe my nan for the previous god knows how many years! but everything else is fine, give or take the lack of money! gonna go look for a well paid job, dont care what its doing!

Hmm... lets see about uni... got a meeting tomorrow with Anne Becker, shes the head of department for my course, and will be discussing about what happens because Ive definitly failed this year, not that I've told any of my family, or my nan! I'm hoping to resit over summer, or at least take the failed modules along side the second year. Im just not sure! well we will see what happens tomorrow!

There really is so much more i could moan about, i just dont have the energy to continue, so Im signing out and crashing!

Peace

Occam's Razor

as stated... "entia non sunt multiplicanda praeter necessitatem" was just listening to the song Occam's Razor by 30 seconds to mars, and its struck me... the meaning of Occam's razor... you all know im into this sci-fi, techno, babbling, meaning of the universe stuff... so anyway entia non sunt multiplicanda praeter necessitatem", or "entities should not be multiplied beyond necessity" absolutly makes sense...

just a short one for tongiht, me tired!

Peace x

The moment has gone

With blood shot eyes, I watch you sleeping
The warmth I feel beside me is slowly fading
Would she hear me, if I called her name?
Would she hold me, if she knew my shame?

There's always something different going wrong
The path I walk is in the wrong direction
There's always someone fucking hanging on
Can anybody help me makes things better?

Your tears don't fall, they crash around me
Her conscious calls, too guilty to come home
Your tears don't fall, they crash around me
Her conscience calls, too guilty to come home

The moments died, I hear no screaming
The visions left inside me are slowly fading
Would she hear me, if I called her name?
Would she hold me, if she knew my shame?

There's always something different going wrong
The path I walk is in the wrong direction
There's always someone fucking hanging on
Can anybody help me makes it better?

Your tears don't fall, they crash around me
Her conscious calls, too guilty to come home
Your tears don't fall, they crash around me
Her conscience calls, too guilty to come home

This battered room I've seen before
The broken bones they heal no more, no more
With my last breath I'm choking
Will this ever end I'm hoping
My world is over one more time

Let's go!

Would she hear me, if I called her name?
Would she hold me, if she knew my shame?

There's always something different going wrong
The path I walk is in the wrong direction
There's always someone fucking hanging on
Can anybody help me makes it better?

Your tears don't fall, they crash around me
Her conscious calls, too guilty to come home
Your tears don't fall, they crash around me
Her conscience calls, too guilty to come

Back!

Your tears don't fall, they crash around me
Her conscience calls, too guilty to come home

Yeah... been two months, and what a damn fucked up two months its been! I think the lyrics above represent my current state of mind.. need i say more? Robin (thats my dad) has "quit" drinking yet again, and as usual the family seem to think he means it... we will see! apart from that, Im really feeling down with not being near Laura, its kinda upsetting, and its making me think about things like why i'm with her, what happened in previous relationships to to make me like this, and generally about how much I fucking love her! I also didnt work last weekend cos of Laura's birthday, she came up for five whole days, we chilled out, went ice skating, went out drinking etc... all good! I had an exam last Saturday, then me and the guys went to the Red Lion, which used to be the Goose, in town. Had a few pints, got myself a tiny bit tipsy, went onto coke two hours before i was meant to start work, just to sober myself up. Went into work at 2:30pm, to start at 3:30pm, and Rahim (the general manager) knew i had been drinking, we had a big fight about how i was there to get something to eat before i started, sober up type of thing, he told me to go home and come back sober, i told him to fuck off and walked out. I wasn't in the mood, I would of been fine to work! anyway...

Met Nat in town that day, chilled with the guys down by the river in Christ Church, all good fun!!!!

Really need to sort out whats going on with uni! gonna go in on Monday, and try to speak to someone! I know I've failed! I've hopefully passed three modules out of the eight, and we need to pass six to pass the year. I'm hoping they let me resit over summer or next year.

I went into work today and spoke to Rahim, we both said sorry... blah blah blah... hugged... I almost broke down, actually talked to someone about all my problems... which felt good, even if it was really hard to do! Just need to find something constructive to sort my problems out with...

Got a new craving for 30 seconds to mars, and Bullet for my valentine! Especially "todays tunage" lyrics of which are the ones up there^^

Anyways.... I'm gonna go chill out now! Peace!


And todays tunage is...... Bullet for my Valentine - Tears don't fall