...

These temporary moments of sanity, of clarity, or rather, a notch above my usually manic depressive state that I seem to be in as I drift by life are all... what? I'd say fun, but that would be making it seem better than it actually is. In these moments, I will laugh, and joke around with friends, join in with conversations, and from an outwards perspective I will seem like a normal person. If only people knew. Even to myself, for that tenth of a second, that glimmer of a normal life is so enticing, so overwhelming with a need for it, and yes I would like it, but I know deep down that will never happen.

People say they understand, that they care, but no one truly does. I've become so good at hiding it all, covering it up with a false charade and putting on a smile, that no one even notices the torment that's running through my mind. The worst part is, I prefer it this way. It stops the majority of people from questioning it, asking questions that I refuse to answer even to myself. Because once I start to think of answers to those questions, I know it will make me even worse and I will end up spiralling down like an atomic bomb counting down to the big bang that will eventually destroy me, and there will be no coming back from that.

I'm not sure where I'm going any more. Looking back, I had my life on track. A steady, well paid job, friends, a girlfriend, my life was all set out, and I knew what I wanted. Yeah, I still had depression back then, but it paled in comparison to what I go through today. August 2009 and the start of my stomach problems destroyed me, my life and everything I had. To make matters worse, even if they finally find out the precise cause of the problem and can fix it, the length of time I've been ill, mixed with all the medications I've been on have caused so many other problems and side effects that even if my stomach problems magically disappeared over night, I'm still too fucked up, ill, disabled, to return to what I had.

I do try to help myself, like going back to university, and inviting what few friends I have left round to see me etc. But none of that really helps, none of it will fix any of my problems, mentally or physically. I just float through life, too lazy to just end it all, but not strong enough to continue it either. It really shows you something when you're so depressed that even ending your own life wont fix your problems. There is no hope, there is no future, just me, going through the monotony of life.