yeah....

So, I really cant be fucked with anything anymore! A few major things have happened since I last posted, so will write about that, instead of going on about how numb and depressed I actually am!

Char got back in touch with me recently, and at first, it was good to speak to her again. I never wanted it all to end like it did, and I wanted to be friends, after everything we went through. She was round a few days ago, and we ended up sleeping together. I know, it shouldnt of happened. Yes I still have alot of feelings for her, but after everything... well... yeah! I regretted it the next day, not that I told her, or told anyone else what happened. Yes I love her, but no, it wasnt going to work, and thats mostly my own fault. I need to sort myself out, both physically, and mentally.

Ive also been speaking to Lauren alot more, and she appologized about everything she did to me. Which was a shock, but with everything going on recently, I forgave her a long time ago and moved on. It was all in the past! As of five minutes ago, Char has decided to stop waiting for me to make my mind up on the whole do we / dont we get back together thing. Im not sure how I feel about that :s But I'm really depressed at the moment, so will have to wait and see how I feel about it, after its all settled down!

Went into town yesterday, and caught up with everyone! Was the first time Ive been into town, properly, on a saturday, since before christmas. It was kinda fun, and the whole feeling scared of going out wasnt as bad as I thought it would be. Also went to the Gloc after town, and saw Demi, Eve and Charlie. Was fun, but it kinda felt weird... Me and Demi have drifted apart alot over the last month or so, and its not the same. Im not sure if its to do with me and my depression, or her being with Flatz, and her usual boyfriend comes first routine. Its proberly a bit of both really.

On a positive note, I ran into Janie yesterday! Havent seen her in forever, and was amazing to see her! Also been speaking to Lois alot recently, and its nice to just talk! Taking her out in two weeks for a meal, and then to the pub. Shes been feeling a bit down, and it should cheer us both up! So Im looking forward to that! Got work tomorrow morning, and work is going quite well! Not much else to report on really...

Gonna go bed with a good book, so Night x

randomness of depression

So yeah, I havent been good recently. Going through stages of being totally numb, to totally emo depressed to being ok-ish. So whats happened in the last 6 weeks since my last post? Well, me and megan make a giant 2 foot cake for Lucy's 19th Birthday, spent 2 days at Megan's which was good fun! Think thats the only time, bar Demi's 21st, that Ive been out this year, properly anyway. My depressions gotten to the stage whereby I cant even face going out and seeing my friends any more :s I also keep going through stages of "I miss Char" and such... I know, I broke up with her thinking that I'd get better, which hasn't happened, but at least Im not hurting her anymore, and despite what she says, she means too much to me to put her through all the stuff I was going through.

As of the 28th Feb I've been back at work. It's helped me a little bit, but Im only doing 2 or 3 hours monday and friday mornings. Will hopefully be doing more hours soon. Once I've retrained and what not. Its nice to get out of the house, and the money will help alot!

Think I'm gonna try and get out this weekend and see some people I havent seen in forever! Krissy has moved back to oxford, and met up with her last friday, was good to see her again, and had a great time! But I really wanna meet up with everyone else, and as much as I know its just my depression thats stopping me from going out, that fear is still pretty real. I know I shouldnt let it effect me, but it does :(

Theres not much else happening at the moment. I've got a million and one thoughts running through my head, but trying to put them together and voice them is something else completely.