My post on facebook....

<Rant>
Really fed up with all this... My stomach pain crippling me, getting so bad that on some days I cant even get out of bed.... then the pain in my feet, and the numbness, not being able to feel where I'm stepping or anything except the sharp shooting electricity that surges through them at random times. Then there's the muscle fatigue in my legs, further complicating my walking and mobility. Not to mention all the other medical problems and complications I have (diabetes, depression, anxiety, black outs, headaches, insomnia etc etc)

Not to mention losing friends because they don't understand and wont take the time, or have the patience to learn the difference between me not being able to go out / socialize because of the pain etc and me not caring.

I know that I still have a few friends that care, that have taken the time to understand my problems, that still visit me or ask to meet up on occasion, but they are so few and far between... going weeks sometimes before seeing anyone.

It's been six years now, since I became ill, and my life froze, and it's gotten to the point where I just don't know where to turn anymore. My doctors have exhausted all medical help available to me, I've lost all hope of starting a family, let alone finding a relationship again, I'll never be able to work again, and despite most people hating work, it was one of the things I loved. 99% of my hobbies I can no longer partake in, and that 1% left bores me because its all I do when I am able.

I enrolled with OU to finish my degree, in some vain attempt to give me something to do, something to look forward to, something to take the edge off this depression, but I don't even see the point in that. Whats the point of earning my degree if I then cant do anything with it afterwards?

Is there any point to living? not that I'd call this living, I'm just alive. I'm in a state of suspension, doing nothing of consequence, not really living a life, but too lazy to just end it all. And no, this isn't some suicidal scream for help, not that I'm not suicidal, but I won't do anything, it didn't work the first 2 times, and I'm fed up with trying. It's a sad state when you're so depressed that even ending all the pain is too much effort. So I'll just write, and people won't like it, and I may get people shouting at me to get some help, or to stop being emo, or what not, but in my way, this writing is a form of help. If you don't like it, just keep on scrolling past, fuck you all. If more people actually cared, I would have never reached this place.

Maybe I should of posted this in my blog where no one will ever read it... but it's about time people realized just how fucked up I really am. I'm fed up of putting on that false persona of "James is doing OK" and everyone thinking that things aren't as bad as they really are. Well shock horror... Things are actually a LOT worse than I make them out to be. I just don't want to talk about it all the time, I don't want your pity, and no, you cant make anything better. Yes, I'm suicidal most days, yes, I'm depressed, yes, I'm in agony, yes, things really are THAT bad, yes, my anxiety keeps me house-bound for weeks at a time, and no, it's not that easy to fix!

Super-massive rant.... over</rant>

Big News...

Lets recap ... back to late 2008... I've just sat down to a meeting with my department head in university, and after explainations and choices offered, we mutually agreed that I would leave university in January 2009. This was not because I found it hard, quite the contrary, the course was too easy, meaning I spent the majority of my time helping others and falling behind on my own course work. What with the time I took off October 2007 because of the miscarrage, and the depression and suicide attenpt that ensued also adding to the workload that I was falling behind on.

My decision to leave university did not mean I didn't want my degree, but saw a better path to obtaining it. It meant that I could focus on my career, becoming a bar manager (despite studying computing, bar work was my passion, and always will be to this day). The plan was to work hard, clear my debts and start saving money. Money that would eventually be used to fund finishing my degree via open university, studying subjects that would actually teach me something and feed my need for learning.

Well, that was the plan anyway... End of August 2009 I was taken ill, rushed to hospital, and we all know where this leads.... 6 years later and I'm still ill, unable to work, and life is on hold. Well its time for all that to change...

Yesterday morning I phoned around, making enquiries, getting information etc, and finally signed up to Open University to finish my degree. Something I've wanted to do for the last 6 years! I'm finally doing it! Although I have signed up to do it part time, as I don't know if I could manage all my health problems ontop of 40+ hours a week studying. So the first 2 years I will take it easy, see how things go, and if , after then, I think I can manage it, I can do it full time.

Im really pleased, and having a goal, and something to focus on may just help my depression, so thats another plus. The course sylibus is really flexible and Im unsure if I will go down the web design, or the programming route atm. I may split it and do parts of each and use them with each other. Time will tell! Then, who knows, I may even do my Masters and Doctorate.... Dr James Adams DCSc sounds good to me...

Peace x

5 Months Later...

So its been a while, like you expected anything less? I keep meaning to update more regularly but it's finding the effort and will power to actually sit here and type something, instead of just vegging out infront of some sci-fi tv series or film.

Just re-read my last post and I will continue from there. With the depression and anxiety, nothing much has changed. Doctors wont give me anything for the anxiety and the meds Im meant to take for my depression don't work, so I don't bother taking them. Not that I take any of my meds besides my regular injections for my Diabetes.

Lets move on to my medical problems. I developed a rash of spots in April which I presumed was a case of flea bites or the like. All the same symptoms etc except they didn't disappear and were still itching a month later. Booked a Doctor's appointment, given some E45 and some steroid cream to help it all. A month later, the dry skin had mostly vanished but was still itching like hell. Booked another Doctor's appointment, which happened to be on my Birthday, and the Doctor had a closer look, and determined I had scabies.... of all things.... one of the cleanist people I know, to get a condition that only effects dirty people who dont wash! I will give you one guess where I got it from... Tasha staying at mine... Its a safe guess that I told her she needed to go... I got treatment which was applying a cream nightly, then washing it off in the morning and washing all my bedding / clothes in the morning... for 3 days... In this time, I told Tasha she had to go for 2 weeks while I got treated for it and she should do the same. Anyway, treatment worked fine, a few spots remain, but they just need to heal, all the itching etc has all gone now, thank god, and Tasha still hasn't come back, which Im not sad about.

My second appointment on my birthday was with OCDEM for my diabetes. Got to see a new Doctor and he was very helpful. Totally understanding with all my other problems etc, and I have been referred to a consultant for the neuropathy pains. Theres a trial going on as well for diabetes and neuropathic pain which I have been referred to. I've given up on wishful thinking and expecting anything to actually work, but maybe this time... My neuropathic problems have never been seen by a specialist and is usually sorted by my GP so maybe they can do something my GP cannot. We will have to wait and see. My diabetic doctor also wants me to keep an eye on my blood pressure, so I brought a monitor and check it regularly, along with my weight and blood sugars.... not sure how long it will last, as I always do this when I see them. I'll start checking my sugars regularly after an appointment, then drop off a month or so later. Time will tell.

The evening of my birthday was great. Went to Oxy for a meal with Hattie and Alice, then headed back to mine for a few drinks and films etc. Was overall a good night. Was just ashame that they were both taken... lol Alice is just hot, and Ive had feelings for Hattie for years, but thats besides the point. I learnt years ago that I can stay just friends with people that I have feelings for. It only goes to shit when they find out and then avoid contact with me.

Moving on from my birthday, Hattie has become single, and she now knows I like her... Someone actually caught on to my "flirting" and saw it as being real flirting instead of the "I'll flirt with you to get over my anxiety" flirting. Who would've thought. The only thing that confuses me is that she wont come visit me alone. One time when she couldnt come with Alice, she brought Peak with her, and yesterday we were texting, and I was going to visit hers, and she just stopped replying and didnt give me her address after saying she didnt mind me coming round, then I spent 3 hours waiting for a reply. We finally made plans for her to come round mine for today at 1pm... and she said that she'd give me a kiss, which I doubt will happen, but anyway, I then find a message from Alice this morning saying Alice invited her to come with her to mine. Is Hattie scared of being alone with me? thinking I might try something on with her? Or maybe she doesn't trust herself around me? I don't know how to ask her any of this without it causing a problem, or then again, I may just be over thinking it all as per usual. Anyway, she didnt show up at 1pm, I text her saying let me know how late she would be, she replied at 2pm saying she would be an hour or so, and its now 3:45pm and still no sign of her. Think I need to buy her a massive clock! I wouldn't mind, but I have absolutely nothing to do while I wait for her.

The reason I have nothing to do? Mid June my PC blew up... Spent around £500 upgrading and repairing it all, for it to only blow up again a few days later. This time I've sent it away to claim on my house insurance. Paid the £50 excess fee today and should have it back in 4-5 working days. Cant wait to have my PC back. Just before it blew up the first time round I had just forked out £60 on game time for WoW and Eve.... all of which has gone to waste :( Worst of all, it fried my 3Tb hard drive which holds all my TV programmes and films. Luckily my documents and music was saved! So Ive downloaded a few films and series etc onto my laptop and my time is currently being split between playing Dragon Age on the XBox and watching the original X-Files series on my laptop. Its all fun and all, but it does get boring and isn't helping my depression or anxiety. Spending weeks at a time between going outside or seeing anyone. Really need to try to do something about all that! Anyway, time to track down where Hattie got to...

Peace xxx

Depression Vs Anxiety

And here was me, thinking 2015 was a new year with a new start. Although I always think that and it never ends up that way. I got through the whole Christmas period etc, and despite my depression getting really bad, I managed to pull myself through and cope with it all. My problem now lays in the fact that I'm still really depressed. I don't know why, or rather, its no one thing that's set it off. I think it's a mixture of a lot of small things all piling on top of each other, and I don't know how to fix any of it.

The main problem is going out would help a bit with my depression, but in doing so, would put my anxiety into overdrive and I'd end up having a massive panic attack. So I stay at home to help alleviate any anxiety but in doing so causes my depression to worsen. I can't fix both problems, it's one or the other, and at the moment, helping the anxiety is winning over the depression. Maybe it's because I've suffered from depression longer and therefore can deal with more extreme cases of it than the anxiety. But in the end, part of it is also laziness, and a lack of motivation brought on by the depression. It's all swings and round-a-bouts.

In other medical news, my stomach is the same, still in a lot of pain most of the time, and the opiates don't always work, but nothing has really changed in the last year or so. As for the neuropathy, it's gotten pretty bad. the meds have stopped working, so I'm currently not on anything for it. The pains have also spread to my hands, and although the pain isn't as bad as my legs, the numbness is a lot more noticeable and my fingers sometimes stiffen and lock in place. Got an appointment on Wednesday with my GP so hopefully she can do something that helps with both the neuropathy and the depression / anxiety. Also going to bring up a rather new problem, or rather, an old problem that's resurfaced. Boils... They were a problem after puberty back when I was 18-19 years old, and although the problem abated, even if it never went away, it never caused a problem. A flair up now and again on my neck, but nothing major. Since the cellulitis, and the hospital trips, the boils have been coming back with a vengeance. Not just small flair ups, but painful ones that last a lot longer. Yay, yet more medical problems for me to deal with... the list just keeps growing and growing...

In general, things have been shit, but in the good news column, James finally has a proper sofa, received the inheritance, so paid off a few debts, upgraded the PC, and got myself a second bookcase, so that emptied a few more boxes. Also got carpet throughout, after a year of being here, the house is now a home! Finally! There's still a few minor things I want to do, but all in time, when I have the energy and I'm not so lazy... so maybe next year or so!

Oh, I also have a new lodger... Tasha was living with Lewis at Stacey's, but her and Stacey had a fall out so she is now staying with me. Its been 3 months now and its going ok, although after this I'm not taking in any more stray's... I need to be alone for a while to hopefully get my life back on track and to sort myself out.

I'd say I'll write again soon, but we all know what I'm like! So for now,

Peace x

And todays tunage is...... Eluveitie - The call of the mountains