Choices...

So, I've made a few decisions in my life since my last post. I'm not sure if they were the right decisions, only time will tell me that, but who knows. My depression is. as per usual, on a downward spiral.It gets to the point where I don't think it can get any worse, and something just proves me wrong.

As for the decisions I've made for my life. It got to the point where I realized that  I don't have any actual friends. Or more to the point, I don't have friends in the sense of what most people would call "friends". I have deleted almost 500 people from my friends list on Facebook, and considering this time two years ago I had over one thousand friends, after small culling's of my friends lists here and there, and a big one of the almost 500 more recently, my friend list is down to 175 people. Its gotten that small a list, that Facebook now keeps showing the "Find Friends" link at the top of the page. A lot of the people gone from the list are people who I just never spoke to, its not to say we fell out, just that after a few years of not speaking to them, is there really any point. A lot of it was just friends of friends, me trying to stay up to gossip with old friends etc, and then there's a small group of people I got rid off due to bad feelings. People who seemed to trigger my depression, people who kept playing mind games with me, or people that I was really close to that have drifted away for various reasons etc. At the end of the day, I have cut out a lot of people, and I'm not sure if it will make a difference in the long run, or help my depression, but so far its working.

In other news, Demi did move out of mine, and moved in to Aaron's... that lasted all of a week or two before she moved back home, and they broke up. I'm not sure what shes up to now, shes not speaking to me, and I have a feeling shes back with Pawl, but this may just be me seeing things that aren't there.  Tommy has also moved out, and is now living with Scott. Its really good to have the place to myself again, I don't have to worry about being on my PC late at night, or worry about the volume on the PC. What I do miss is having something to do. I know its one of the main things that really pissed me off, but Tommy being messy at least gave me something to do during the day. With me being here on my own, the place is constantly  tidy, so there is little to no cleaning needed. With the lack of company as well, all leads to a boring life that just adds to the depression and loneliness.

As for my tribunal I had, my money finally came through. Received £1500 in total, so brought a new 40 inch HD TV for my bedroom, which is now wall mounted at the end of my bed. Also paid some bills off etc Money never lasts as long as you want it to, does it? I also paid for a gas engineer to come and finally install my cooker. OK, Great! If only that were the case. The engineer came, looked at it, had to go back out to get a part he didn't have, came back, to look at the cooker again, to only tell me that he couldn't install it because of some safety feature my cooker didn't have which meant they could only install it in a house and not a flat. Not only that, but this "safety feature" couldn't be fitted either, it meant buying a whole new cooker, money that I just didn't have, even if i didn't buy the TV and had all my back pay from the tribunal. Anyway, after waiting ages for the refund of the payment I made for the install, and a lot of consideration and shopping around, I ended up in Brighthouse and got an electric cooker from them.

There's really nothing else of note going on in my life at the moment. I'm fed up and depressed and weighing the benefits of suicide... not that I'd actually go through with it, but was wondering how long it would take before anyone would notice... I swear its been at least 2 weeks since I spoke to anyone face to face, minus the odd trip to the shop for food and essentials... I think its been about a week since I spoke to anyone on the phone, and after looking, its been a week since I spoke to anyone on Facebook. So to be brutally honest, doing the math, If I topped myself / died / disappeared right now... I doubt anyone would notice until at least my birthday, which is in 6 weeks. Shows just how good my so called friends are! 

Anyway... enough morbid thoughts...  Im guessing my next post will be in a few months, seeing as my life is so dull, and lets be honest, even if it wasn't, I forget to post anyway!

Peace x