Why does it hurt so much?

Not so good today! Laura is down this weekend... and what is james doing? hes at home! why? I hear you ask... well... We all went to weatherspoons, me, laura, lottie, alan and jo, on friday night. Was great fun, and all went back to jos and i stayed there the night! laura lost her d600 mobile, which ruined it, but all in all the night was ok! come saturday, we all decided to go bowling so alan drove us to bowlplex but once we got in there was a 90 minute wait. We all (I SAID ALL) decided to go back to jo's grab a take-away and watch a dvd. it was a great idea. We stopped off at tesco's on the way home and did the shopping, but in tesco's jo told me i have to go home! shes a complete BITCH! this is the last night I have with laura as shes not up here for another 2 weeks! and then thats only a maybe. If she doesnt come up in two weeks im not gonna see her til june! jo said i had to go home anyway, but i was thinking of yeah after bowling, gives me some time to spend with laura before she goes home! but nope! its not like ive pissed jo off, after everything ive done for that fucking family! she could of let me and laura spend our last night together! Its not like the kids were there either! Frazer was at his dads, and hannah was at tony's! But hang on, worst thing is, Alan, who is always off down to windsor and can see lottie whenever he likes (cos hes got a car) was aloud to stay the night! Im sorry but im doing fuck all for jo now! Was gonna build a partition wall for her so theres enough rooms when lottie and laura move up, was helping her with the garden etc, but not any more! Laura wants me to go see her today, so we can say goodbye, but I feel so pissed off! Plus she's said dont come down til 5pm! and their train leaves at 7pm! That leaves about an hour! its rediculous! Im gonna go down their! just cos of laura! picking up my external hard drive that jo has been borrowing, cos its got some films on the kids wanted to watch, getting everything of mine outa that house and im not planning on going back there!

The good side of the story is, my nan turned round and said laura could of stayed the night! i was like oh my fucking god! shes bad enough when i want a friend to stay round, and now shes said my girlfriend can stay? lmfao! great, she even offered to drive her to the train station! that means going into town, which she never ever does! well, im gonna speak to laura, and see if she wantsto stay at mine next time shes up here!

Been with laura 3 weeks this monday! by the time shes back here it will be the longest, meaningful relationship ive been in! i know thats sad for a 22 year old, but oh well, my life and family hasnt really given me the chance to have a decent relationship in the past! Also theres a good chance of me getting a job soon at haha bar! its only bar backing but its a job and that means money! they said they are desperate for staff! and i actually like cellar work and bar backing etc! and you never know, it could lead to more!

still really pissed off! ned to take a walk! or do something! I cant even speak to lottie about it! and i always speak to her bout my problems, but cos it invloves her mom and laura, I dont want to tell her! I'll find a way of dealing with it!

peace xxx

And todays tunage is...... ocean Lab - Beautiful together

Happy 18th Lottie

A really big HAPPY 18th to Lottie! well, for yesterday anyway! my lil girl is all grown up now! I know its taken a while, but I think all our lives have changed! Lottie is moving back to Oxford at the end of June with Laura, Lotie is with Alan, Im with Laura, everything is back to how it used to be, Im actually not depressed and feeling great, which is a really big shock. For me and my friends. All my mates are happy for me, and Im feeling the best Ive felt in years!

The only thing i want to change now is for me to get a decent job that I enjoy and am going to keep! That and to catch up with my college work, but I dont see any problem with that. Money, and the lack of a job is getting to be a really big problem. Theres so much I want to do, which I cant at the moment! Like Im meant to be going down to see laura next weekend as its her 19th on the 1st May but Im not even sure if I can afford to do that. Gonna have to try to borrow some money.

God Im in love, Ive said it before I know, but Im saying it again! Laura is the best thing thats happened to me since... well... alison. and we all know what happened there. NO COMMENT! hopefully this wont end up the same way! couldnt go through all that again! Damn it james!

ummmm ok! stoped thinking about that now! soz! wont happen again! Im just so happy, and dont want to ruin it this time!

Laura I LOVE YOU!

Alot of stuff happening!

At the moment Im kinda pissed off, annoyed, depressed but also happy. The past two weeks have been half term which means alot of free time to catch up with college work and with my mates! Lottie has been up here with her friend, Laura. Had alot of fun, went swimming etc. Generally chilled out stuff. Ive fallen in love with Laura and as of Monday 9th April we have been dating. shes a great girl and I'm really in love. I know, Ive been single for almost five years now, and I didnt fall for the person I loved, but its all ok! Lottie is now with Alan, and Im now with Laura. Laura actually sent a text to her current boyfriend, whos in the states on hols and dumped him so she could go out with me. so Ive spent most of this week at Jo's as thats where Laura is staying. They have both gone back home now so thats made me a lil sad, but they are both back next weekend as its Lottie's 18th on the 21st so there will be a big party. Laura's 19th is on the 1st of May as well, so its going to be a joint birthday party.

Im mainly depressed cos Im fed up with life, my nans accused me of stealing money, yet again. and is in a really big mood with me. Im fed up with it all, I think Ive also upset Laura, according to Lottie she was kinda pissed off cos she wanted some alone time, and Ive been there constantly. But of course, no one said anything to me. All she needed to do was ask and i would of spent the day at home or something.

With my nans funeral, Lottie being here, me going out with Laura and my nan pestering me I've been in a really bad mood! havent spoken to any of my other friends and I havent done a single peice of course work and Im falling behind! Im really thinking about droping the course, moving out, going somewhere and moving away from it all!

either that or just ending this whole pile of shit right now! Im so close to killing myself it scares me! dont want to sound like an emo or anything, but thats how i feel! FUCKING HELL!

And todays tunage is...... Three Days Grace - Pain