Well. Two posts in two days, there must be something wrong with me! lol Im only writing a quick post, as two things happened yesterday. After my last post, I was looking at my posts etc, and i saw a comment on a post about my 26th birthday, and below it was a comment made by Char. It really made me think of everything I did wrong, and how much I still love her. Theres not much I can do about that now, it was years ago, and shes with someone else, but anyway, shes happy so Im happy.
The other thing that happened was I went to the pub to watch Megan perform. She sung my song I wrote for her, back in May 2011. It was the first time Ive heard her play it, and it really touched my heart. She will never know how much it meant to me to hear it. Its so beautiful and more than I ever expected. You can all go check it out on youtube HERE!
Have to go into town today to do some christmas shopping. Getting the turkey today, and need to find some clothes for Chris. Apaprt from that, I think the rest of my shopping is finished!
Peace x
And todays tunage is...... Megan Josephy - Superhero
Monday, 17 December 2012
Sunday, 16 December 2012
Ramblings of a depressed man
Meh... Starting to be one of those I dont give a shit moods. Although every day seems to be like that at the moment. Despite what my pysch tells me, I really dont have much to live for at the moment. Not that that is going to stop me living, despite the thoughts of just ending it all, I know its only a bad patch, my depression and moods acting out against myself, but understanding this doesnt make it any easier to cope with.
My nan asked me why I smoke so much recently, not that I said this, but the thoughts went through my head of Im on the max dose of two different anti-depressants, seeing a psychologist, feeling suicidal, and have nothing left to live for.... Im not smoking this much cos Im fucking happy! She knows Im seeing a psych, and she knows im on anti-depressants, but I dont think she realizes just how bad things are for me, and I cant / dont want to tell her. Ive never been someone who can talk about my problems. and the one or two individuals who I can talk to about such things, I never see anymore. So yeah, Im suck in this place, and I dont care if I leave it or not.
I really should think about start taking some of my meds again, and get back on top of monitoring my diabetes etc. This morning I took my anti-depressants for the first time in a couple of weeks, but knowing it, its just a one off and I'll slip back into the routine of never taking them again.
Nothing new is happening, my life is the same as when I last posted. I dont go out, I dont see people, I ignore half my friends on facebook, just because I cant be bothered with the whole social interaction of things. Although I am going to the pub today, as Megan is performing, and shes finished putting music to the song I wont for her, so she should be playing that and I want to hear it! This will be the first time Ive been out to see people this month. Dont get me wrong, Ive gone out, to the shops and such, but not to see "friends" or to socialize etc.
Id say at this point things can only get better, but knowing my luck, life will supprise me with a whole new definition of low. Time to go be sociable! laters x
And todays tunage is...... motinoless in white - Devil's Night
Friday, 7 December 2012
A clinical psychologist
Yes, ok, My usual appologies for not writing in months are needed. A few things have happened since my last post. I'll start with all the medical shit and the reason for the title...
Firstly, I have finally seen the PAin management team... Nothing much to really mention, one or two possible changes in the future in regards to my meds, but Ive been told my GP has done an amazing job, and they are happy with it. A follow up appointment has been made for 6 months time. They also referred me to a pain therapy department, which was interesting. Im not sure how to take it at the moment, theres talk about group meetings etc, which I wont do. What they have gotten me to do is see a clinical psychologist, which for me.... well... I went in with the plan of not talking about anything, besides the medical side of things, but I dont know what happened... I actually told the doc everything... well, at least the majority of things anyway. From robin, the alcohol and abuse, laura's miscarrage, me and Char, the cancer scare, how much im really actually depressed, and miss work etc. I even mentioned the suicide attempt, and the suicidal thoughts etc. Theres still a lot i didnt mention, but an appointment can only last so long. We did spend quite a bit of time talking about my anxiety and my panic attacks, which helped, and the whole pain side of things of course. Im not sure what will come of all this, I was given info on some other help I could get etc, and I think a follow up meeting with the pain therapy team will be made to discuss other plans etc. The pain isnt getting any better, but now that Ive exhausted all medical avenues, maybe some psych help to help me deal with the pain might actually help. Who knows :/
As for benefits, my tribunal for DLA was meant to be heard on 2nd November but was adjourned due to it being the same judge person as my last tribunal and there could be a conflict of opinion. I was told I would have a new tribunal in 3 to 4 weeks. That was 5 weeks ago and I still havent had it. Can you expect anything else from the job centre? As for fighting the tribunal decision for my ESA, Im leaving that in the hands of the welfare rights / citizens advice people. Would be nice If I won that as well. For now I'd just be happy with DLA being sorted before Christmas, as I need the money from backpay for presents!Bleh... they stress me out so damn much!
Besides all the medical and job centre crazy shit, my lifes been very boring. No new people in my life, the usual ones Im not even sure are there any more. I speak and see demi less and less, the one or two people I do fancy dont seem interested, or in the case of one of them, shows interest, then doesnt talk to me for weeks on end :/ Im pretty much fed up with everything at the moment. Im finding myself sleeping so much at the moment, and besides sleeping or catching up on films and tv, all I tend to do is either play wow or stare at my wall on facebook :/
Only really good news I have at the moment is that Megan has finally put music to one of my songs I wrote for her. Hopefully she will be performing it on the 16th at a gig! Cant wait, it should be so awesome! Now, Im gonna go back to staring blankly at facebook!
Peace x
And todays tunage is...... Halestorm - I miss the misery
Firstly, I have finally seen the PAin management team... Nothing much to really mention, one or two possible changes in the future in regards to my meds, but Ive been told my GP has done an amazing job, and they are happy with it. A follow up appointment has been made for 6 months time. They also referred me to a pain therapy department, which was interesting. Im not sure how to take it at the moment, theres talk about group meetings etc, which I wont do. What they have gotten me to do is see a clinical psychologist, which for me.... well... I went in with the plan of not talking about anything, besides the medical side of things, but I dont know what happened... I actually told the doc everything... well, at least the majority of things anyway. From robin, the alcohol and abuse, laura's miscarrage, me and Char, the cancer scare, how much im really actually depressed, and miss work etc. I even mentioned the suicide attempt, and the suicidal thoughts etc. Theres still a lot i didnt mention, but an appointment can only last so long. We did spend quite a bit of time talking about my anxiety and my panic attacks, which helped, and the whole pain side of things of course. Im not sure what will come of all this, I was given info on some other help I could get etc, and I think a follow up meeting with the pain therapy team will be made to discuss other plans etc. The pain isnt getting any better, but now that Ive exhausted all medical avenues, maybe some psych help to help me deal with the pain might actually help. Who knows :/
As for benefits, my tribunal for DLA was meant to be heard on 2nd November but was adjourned due to it being the same judge person as my last tribunal and there could be a conflict of opinion. I was told I would have a new tribunal in 3 to 4 weeks. That was 5 weeks ago and I still havent had it. Can you expect anything else from the job centre? As for fighting the tribunal decision for my ESA, Im leaving that in the hands of the welfare rights / citizens advice people. Would be nice If I won that as well. For now I'd just be happy with DLA being sorted before Christmas, as I need the money from backpay for presents!Bleh... they stress me out so damn much!
Besides all the medical and job centre crazy shit, my lifes been very boring. No new people in my life, the usual ones Im not even sure are there any more. I speak and see demi less and less, the one or two people I do fancy dont seem interested, or in the case of one of them, shows interest, then doesnt talk to me for weeks on end :/ Im pretty much fed up with everything at the moment. Im finding myself sleeping so much at the moment, and besides sleeping or catching up on films and tv, all I tend to do is either play wow or stare at my wall on facebook :/
Only really good news I have at the moment is that Megan has finally put music to one of my songs I wrote for her. Hopefully she will be performing it on the 16th at a gig! Cant wait, it should be so awesome! Now, Im gonna go back to staring blankly at facebook!
Peace x
And todays tunage is...... Halestorm - I miss the misery
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