Bah Humbug!

So I havent posted since September... Lots of things have happened since then! I actually won a bid on a ground floor flat in Greater Leys! Its quite nice to finally have my own place where I can do what I want. Moved in a few months ago! The place still needs decorating, but for that to happen, the walls need re-plastering as they are in a bad condition. Im getting my Uncle to do it after the new year hopefully! Theres also no shower, so been taking baths, but thats risky because of my blacking out :/ Anyway, Ive seen my doc and shes written a letter stating such and that I need a shower, so hopefully GreenSquare, the housing association will fit one in the new year! The boiler also makes a loud noise when the hot water is running, which isnt good. Theres quite a few things I need to speak to them about! My other big problem is that although I have a cooker, I cannot use it as I cannot afford a gas engineer to come round and install it. :/ On the plus side, the flat is a decent size and I have my own personal garden!

I now also have internet at home, thanks to Sky, Tommy moved into mine a few weeks ago, which has been a big help over Christmas and with my depression etc. Last week my Grandfather, on my mothers side, passed away, and I had to hear about it from my brother, then they had the funeral and I didnt even get an invite :/ So much for family. 

As for my medical problems, its the same old shit as per usual, so no new news there! Christmas is gonna be rotten this year. Tomorrow morning is the one year anniversary of my nan (Wig) passing away, and Im really not looking forward to it.  

Anyway, will try to keep this updated more, desipte all my previous attempts lol

Peace x
 
And todays tunage is...... Passenger - All the little lights

Just a catch up

Ok, so its been a while again since my last post. I still dont have internet at home, and keep forgetting to update when Im somewhere with the interwebs. Not much has really happened in the last few months. I finally won my battle against DLA and am now on high rate mobility and low rate care. Thats bringing in an extra £300 or so a month. I also have a disabled bus pass, so that saves on travel. My back pay went within a few days, after paying the rent I owed, clearing one of my bills, and treating myself. I ended up buying myself a DSLR camera :D Also got a set of cutlery, new knifes, a hoover etc. Lee also donated a microwave, so thats good! Still without a freezer though :/ Will get one eventually!

My birthday was pretty boring, nothing much happened, and spent the night clubbing with the only two people who showed up! Jen and Gizmo, love you both! As for medical problems, the pain has increased a lot recently, and Im finding it hard to get the motivation to do anything. Its also making my depression worse, but me not taking my meds may play a part in that :/ I'll get around to sorting it all out! Really should go see my GP about it all, but dont even have the motivation to do that. God knows how I will handle this week as its gonna be busy! Friday is Faiths leaving do, as shes off to uni, then saturday Megan and Andy have a gig in abingdon, wednesday Im in hospital to have my eyes looked at, thursday Im having a few people round for drinks and doing a karaoke night, then friday is Peaks leaving do as hes off to uni as well! Not sure how im gonna manage, but lets see!

Im also bidding on new houses now, they put me in band 2 which is good, hopefully gonna get a bungalow something along the lines of what my uncle Jonathan has, just a waiting game now! Nothing else of note has really happened.... will try to post sooner next time,

Peace xxx

So much stuff

It's about time I posted and told you why I've been inactive for the best part of five months. A lot has happened over the course, so let me go back to the beginning, a week after my last post.

It was Christmas eve, and as per usual, Wayne was monopolising the kitchen and trying to take over the cooking, even though I said I was going to do it this year. This wasn't really a big shock as it happens every year, and I really should of expected it. A part of me was upset, yet again, as Wayne's cooking at Christmas time isn't the best, but I was in a lot of pain, so there was also a part of me that didn't mind so much. I ended up having an early night, going to bed around 1-2am. I woke up at some point around 4am to use the bathroom, and Wig said something to me but I was too tired and went straight back to bed without responding.

The next thing I know, I had Wayne waking me up at 6:30am saying something about Wig falling out of bed. I jumped out of bed to find Wig on the floor beside her bed, with Wayne trying to help her. Her legs were half under the bed and she was having difficulty breathing, so me and Wayne managed to get her unstuck, and comfortable. We lifted her back into bed, and Wayne phoned 999 for an ambulance as she was still having breathing problems, and after the fall out of bed, we didn't know if she did any other damage. In between running around, making sure the front door was unlocked, and stuff, Wig passed away.

I like to think she went the way she wanted. She was comfortable, in bed and it was Christmas morning, a time she always regarded as for Children. The last thing she would of wanted, and has commented on many times, was to be in hospital when she passed, or put into a nursing home. It also meant she didn't have to put up with Wayne's cooking Christmas day, which I can smile about now. The rest of the morning was spent with the ambulance guys, police and coroners, answering questions and speaking to family, letting them know what happened. Jonathan came up and we got hold of Ryan to tell him not to come round, as he and his girlfriend and kid were meant to be coming over for dinner.

I spent a good hour just laid in bed crying my eyes out. It's the first time I've cried properly in a long time. I'm not one to usually show my emotions as people know, and a part of me was glad no one was around to see me. It felt, and still feels like there's a big hole ripped out of me, and nothing will fill it. I'm trying not to cry now, as writing all this is bringing back a lot of emotions, and I don't deal well with my emotions.

Later that day, after everyone had left and gone home, it was just me and Wayne left in the house, filled with memories, and the trauma of what had happened that morning. We finally ate our Christmas dinner, and it wasn't as bad as the previous year, and under different circumstances I could of enjoyed it. I ended up going to bed early, or rather just laying in bed over thinking everything, and being on the border line of crying my eyes out again.

I spent the next 3 days in such a state that I don't remember much of it. Friends and family were phoned, a few people visited, boxing day or the day after I took down all the decorations. I was in a fugue state for a while. No sleep, but not really being fully awake either.

Being in the house without Wig around was very weird, especially when Wayne was out. Not having her to talk to, or just knowing she's around was weird. Eventually Wayne went back to work, and he seemed to just carry on. He started moving all his stuff into the house etc which got annoying. His cutlery, his plates, and on and on.... It was like he was trying to remove the fact it was Wigs house and make it his own, even though I've lived there a lot longer than he has. I had more right to it than he does.

I slowly started sorting out all of Wig's paperwork, the bills etc. Being ill and only on ESA, I knew I was unable to pay them, and knew it would have to be up to Wayne. I started smoking roll ups to save money, I sorted out a few of my debts and cut back on a lot of the things I did previously. Yet still Wayne moaned and complained about me living there. Like I didn't have as much right to be there as he did, if not more.

The funeral was on 8th January and up until the 7th I hadn't spoken to anyone in person except Wayne. I just couldn't handle it at that point. With my depression and anxiety being bad before, this was all I needed to pull me over the edge. I'm not quite sure how I managed the whole thing, and I'm still not sure why I'm still around now, as by all rights, with my depression being as bad as it got, I'm impressed I've made it this far.

Since the funeral living with Wayne got a lot worse. More complaints about how he was buying my food, even though I don't eat much, and was only eating when he cooked. And by him cooking, I mean cooking enough to feed a family of 5 for each meal. By this time, he's quit smoking, yet again, and as usual is eating even more than he did before. Yet I get the blame for his money problems.

He has also removed the majority of Wig's things from the house now. He sold all her jewellery, and a lot of stuff has been moved into the garage. There's also a problem about Wig not having a will, and the boys (minus Robin) are all arguing at this point about what happens. There goes my fifth. Me and wig spoke only a week before Christmas about how she was getting more money out of the house, and how she was going to redo her will, so that after the equity was paid back, everything would be split equally between the boys and me. Well that won't be happening now. It now looks like once the house is sold, the equity is paid back, and the funeral and costs are paid, and it goes into probate, the money will be split into 4 for the boys. It's something I plan on fighting if I have a right. Need to speak to someone about that at a later date.

I started looking into getting my own accommodation and on 14th January I finally got put onto the housing register. I am also getting help from Stonham and Connections. I wrote out an eviction notice and got Wayne to sign it giving me 6 weeks to move out, and they looked into it all, and spoke to the co-op who dealt with the funeral and are dealing with the property, and as Wayne was not executor of the estate, he had no right to evict me, so for the mean time, that didn't help at all. As Jonathan was dealing with the co-op I got him to speak to them to make someone executor and write me a new eviction notice. A few days later, Jonathan came to the house, after sorting it all out, an printed out a new eviction notice giving me 2 weeks to move out.

I went back to the council and the finally sorted themselves out, after speaking to the co-op, Jonathan, and my Doctor, the finally found me temporary accommodation and as of 17th April I have been in my own flat. I was originally to be put into a hotel, but with help from my Doctor, saying I had to have a place with a fridge for my insulin, I had to be on a ground floor, and could not go into shared housing due to my anxiety they put me here.

It's a ground floor flat in Cowley, near the border of Littlemore and Rose Hill. Literally a 2 minute walk to Rose Hill, and 2 minutes to Cowley Centre, which is great. I've got a decent sized living room, kitchen and bathroom, with a tiny bedroom. I've moved the majority of my stuff in, just a few more boxes and things left to get, and I will be all set!

As for the house, I've been left out of the loop when it comes to what is going on. On the 17th Wayne changed the locks between my first and second trip to pick up my stuff. Despite the majority of my belongings still being there. I think that he thinks it's his place when it's not. He really is starting to piss me off, and the Monday after I was "evicted" he went on holiday to Gran Canaries for a week, despite me needing my stuff, and him constantly complaining about the lack of money. And just so people know, that's £1000 air fare alone, without hotel or spending money.

There are a few things I've missed out of this, like Robin being too stoned to go to the funeral, the awesome 2 days I spent in Birmingham with Demi for her Birthday in February, and all the amazing support I've had from all of my friends, some of which I wasn't expecting. A big thank you to Lisa who did a few trips in her car to pick up some of my stuff, as well as Freddie, Scott, and Lewis. Another thank you to Lewis for the help he's given me with food, and to Jo and Frazer for all the support etc. Of course they were all thanked properly last Sunday when I threw a big BBQ to thank them all!

As for my medical problems, I not sure what's going on, I've signed off from the pain management team as they can't do anything more for me, but I think things are getting worse. In the space of 3 days I fell over 4 times, and have found my balance has worsened significantly, I have therefore resorted in acquiring walking stick. I say walking stick and instantly think old man, but it's a hiking stick, just so I don't look as old as I feel. Its helping quite a bit, and have only fallen badly once since I've had it in the last 6 weeks.

The depression is just as bad as usual, and the anxiety and panic attacks have worsened but I have been getting out more, trying to help them, which means I would have more attack anyway, so maybe it hasn't worsened, it's just me going out more and therefore introducing myself to the causes of the attacks more often. Living here with no internet access is driving me crazy, and as such I find myself increasingly getting bored and either going out more, or getting depressed more.

I've also realised that I miss the small things in life, like a vacuum, or a dustpan and brush. There's so many things that I need now I'm living alone, of which I cannot afford. I'm trying to slowly buy the smaller things while maintaining to pay my bills etc.

I will have to sign off now, as 2000 words is more than enough for one post! If I think of things later to post, I shall have to do so next time. I'm currently stealing the internet from Jo! so will try to post again when I'm next up here if there is anything of interest to say.

Peace x