Well. Two posts in two days, there must be something wrong with me! lol Im only writing a quick post, as two things happened yesterday. After my last post, I was looking at my posts etc, and i saw a comment on a post about my 26th birthday, and below it was a comment made by Char. It really made me think of everything I did wrong, and how much I still love her. Theres not much I can do about that now, it was years ago, and shes with someone else, but anyway, shes happy so Im happy.
The other thing that happened was I went to the pub to watch Megan perform. She sung my song I wrote for her, back in May 2011. It was the first time Ive heard her play it, and it really touched my heart. She will never know how much it meant to me to hear it. Its so beautiful and more than I ever expected. You can all go check it out on youtube HERE!
Have to go into town today to do some christmas shopping. Getting the turkey today, and need to find some clothes for Chris. Apaprt from that, I think the rest of my shopping is finished!
Peace x
And todays tunage is...... Megan Josephy - Superhero
Monday, 17 December 2012
Sunday, 16 December 2012
Ramblings of a depressed man
Meh... Starting to be one of those I dont give a shit moods. Although every day seems to be like that at the moment. Despite what my pysch tells me, I really dont have much to live for at the moment. Not that that is going to stop me living, despite the thoughts of just ending it all, I know its only a bad patch, my depression and moods acting out against myself, but understanding this doesnt make it any easier to cope with.
My nan asked me why I smoke so much recently, not that I said this, but the thoughts went through my head of Im on the max dose of two different anti-depressants, seeing a psychologist, feeling suicidal, and have nothing left to live for.... Im not smoking this much cos Im fucking happy! She knows Im seeing a psych, and she knows im on anti-depressants, but I dont think she realizes just how bad things are for me, and I cant / dont want to tell her. Ive never been someone who can talk about my problems. and the one or two individuals who I can talk to about such things, I never see anymore. So yeah, Im suck in this place, and I dont care if I leave it or not.
I really should think about start taking some of my meds again, and get back on top of monitoring my diabetes etc. This morning I took my anti-depressants for the first time in a couple of weeks, but knowing it, its just a one off and I'll slip back into the routine of never taking them again.
Nothing new is happening, my life is the same as when I last posted. I dont go out, I dont see people, I ignore half my friends on facebook, just because I cant be bothered with the whole social interaction of things. Although I am going to the pub today, as Megan is performing, and shes finished putting music to the song I wont for her, so she should be playing that and I want to hear it! This will be the first time Ive been out to see people this month. Dont get me wrong, Ive gone out, to the shops and such, but not to see "friends" or to socialize etc.
Id say at this point things can only get better, but knowing my luck, life will supprise me with a whole new definition of low. Time to go be sociable! laters x
And todays tunage is...... motinoless in white - Devil's Night
Friday, 7 December 2012
A clinical psychologist
Yes, ok, My usual appologies for not writing in months are needed. A few things have happened since my last post. I'll start with all the medical shit and the reason for the title...
Firstly, I have finally seen the PAin management team... Nothing much to really mention, one or two possible changes in the future in regards to my meds, but Ive been told my GP has done an amazing job, and they are happy with it. A follow up appointment has been made for 6 months time. They also referred me to a pain therapy department, which was interesting. Im not sure how to take it at the moment, theres talk about group meetings etc, which I wont do. What they have gotten me to do is see a clinical psychologist, which for me.... well... I went in with the plan of not talking about anything, besides the medical side of things, but I dont know what happened... I actually told the doc everything... well, at least the majority of things anyway. From robin, the alcohol and abuse, laura's miscarrage, me and Char, the cancer scare, how much im really actually depressed, and miss work etc. I even mentioned the suicide attempt, and the suicidal thoughts etc. Theres still a lot i didnt mention, but an appointment can only last so long. We did spend quite a bit of time talking about my anxiety and my panic attacks, which helped, and the whole pain side of things of course. Im not sure what will come of all this, I was given info on some other help I could get etc, and I think a follow up meeting with the pain therapy team will be made to discuss other plans etc. The pain isnt getting any better, but now that Ive exhausted all medical avenues, maybe some psych help to help me deal with the pain might actually help. Who knows :/
As for benefits, my tribunal for DLA was meant to be heard on 2nd November but was adjourned due to it being the same judge person as my last tribunal and there could be a conflict of opinion. I was told I would have a new tribunal in 3 to 4 weeks. That was 5 weeks ago and I still havent had it. Can you expect anything else from the job centre? As for fighting the tribunal decision for my ESA, Im leaving that in the hands of the welfare rights / citizens advice people. Would be nice If I won that as well. For now I'd just be happy with DLA being sorted before Christmas, as I need the money from backpay for presents!Bleh... they stress me out so damn much!
Besides all the medical and job centre crazy shit, my lifes been very boring. No new people in my life, the usual ones Im not even sure are there any more. I speak and see demi less and less, the one or two people I do fancy dont seem interested, or in the case of one of them, shows interest, then doesnt talk to me for weeks on end :/ Im pretty much fed up with everything at the moment. Im finding myself sleeping so much at the moment, and besides sleeping or catching up on films and tv, all I tend to do is either play wow or stare at my wall on facebook :/
Only really good news I have at the moment is that Megan has finally put music to one of my songs I wrote for her. Hopefully she will be performing it on the 16th at a gig! Cant wait, it should be so awesome! Now, Im gonna go back to staring blankly at facebook!
Peace x
And todays tunage is...... Halestorm - I miss the misery
Firstly, I have finally seen the PAin management team... Nothing much to really mention, one or two possible changes in the future in regards to my meds, but Ive been told my GP has done an amazing job, and they are happy with it. A follow up appointment has been made for 6 months time. They also referred me to a pain therapy department, which was interesting. Im not sure how to take it at the moment, theres talk about group meetings etc, which I wont do. What they have gotten me to do is see a clinical psychologist, which for me.... well... I went in with the plan of not talking about anything, besides the medical side of things, but I dont know what happened... I actually told the doc everything... well, at least the majority of things anyway. From robin, the alcohol and abuse, laura's miscarrage, me and Char, the cancer scare, how much im really actually depressed, and miss work etc. I even mentioned the suicide attempt, and the suicidal thoughts etc. Theres still a lot i didnt mention, but an appointment can only last so long. We did spend quite a bit of time talking about my anxiety and my panic attacks, which helped, and the whole pain side of things of course. Im not sure what will come of all this, I was given info on some other help I could get etc, and I think a follow up meeting with the pain therapy team will be made to discuss other plans etc. The pain isnt getting any better, but now that Ive exhausted all medical avenues, maybe some psych help to help me deal with the pain might actually help. Who knows :/
As for benefits, my tribunal for DLA was meant to be heard on 2nd November but was adjourned due to it being the same judge person as my last tribunal and there could be a conflict of opinion. I was told I would have a new tribunal in 3 to 4 weeks. That was 5 weeks ago and I still havent had it. Can you expect anything else from the job centre? As for fighting the tribunal decision for my ESA, Im leaving that in the hands of the welfare rights / citizens advice people. Would be nice If I won that as well. For now I'd just be happy with DLA being sorted before Christmas, as I need the money from backpay for presents!Bleh... they stress me out so damn much!
Besides all the medical and job centre crazy shit, my lifes been very boring. No new people in my life, the usual ones Im not even sure are there any more. I speak and see demi less and less, the one or two people I do fancy dont seem interested, or in the case of one of them, shows interest, then doesnt talk to me for weeks on end :/ Im pretty much fed up with everything at the moment. Im finding myself sleeping so much at the moment, and besides sleeping or catching up on films and tv, all I tend to do is either play wow or stare at my wall on facebook :/
Only really good news I have at the moment is that Megan has finally put music to one of my songs I wrote for her. Hopefully she will be performing it on the 16th at a gig! Cant wait, it should be so awesome! Now, Im gonna go back to staring blankly at facebook!
Peace x
And todays tunage is...... Halestorm - I miss the misery
Saturday, 1 September 2012
An amazing performance
The last few days have been rather hectic for me. Thurday was Gemma & Mikey's wedding, with a small reception at Mikey's nan's house afterwards. I got a lot of photo's, and the food provided was great. I provided the music, as with any party I end up going to these days. A big congratulations to the pair of them, and I hope they have a wonderful future together.
This evening was the highlight of the week so far. I went to watch West Side Story, at the Pegasus theatre. I'm a big fan of musicals but its been many years since Ive been able to enjoy one at a theatre, and tonight was a big supprise. I was originally only going to show support for a close friend, Rhiannon, as she was perforning in it, but it turned out to be so much more than just me paying respects to a friend. With such a young cast and production team, and with the short time they have all had to practice, reherse and get the show together, they really did an amazing job. The sound, coreography and acting of those young stars was breath taking, and for such a small stage production as this, I wasn't expecting the outcome of what you would expect to find in the bigger venues.
Everyone, both on and off stage, have put in so much effort to make the show what it has become. Yes there were a few downfalls, mainly with the acoustics of the place, a few technical problems with sound, especially as the band were sometimes a lot louder than the singers, and I feel some of this was down to the theatre, and the microphones used, but all in all I was wowed by the performance. Talent especially showed through the actor who played Riff. His spirit and voice empowered the audience, and showed true, unbridled emotion. The characters of Tony and Maria also showed a lot of promise. Again, with the power and emotion shown put into their roles on stage they gripped the audience and pulled everyone into the story.
As for the music, the band were inspiring. Each note gripped and incapsulated the emotions of the characters on stage, and impowered the whole presence of the scene. Despite a few notes that lasted a tad too long, or the slight background noise that may have been heard from cleaning insruments during quiet parts, the whole experience was a breathtaking one.
With every gasp, cheer or tear on stage, the audience was pulled into the reverie of it all, and everyone left the show with smiles on their faces. Two and a half hours of raw power and pure magical enchantment of the entire show had me spellbound and speechless as I left the performance. A big congratulations goes to the whole team, and to RicNic, the group who put on the production.
As for other business, it is Jay's first Birthday today. My beautiful godson and name sake, is 1 already. Time really does fly by these days. Tomorrow is a big joint wedding / 1st birthday party, in which again I will be DJ'ing, at least this time with decent gear, despite the lack of a DJ deck. Im about 10 years out of touch with the whole DJ'ing scene and I'd be lost these days compared to the DJs of today, but Im doing it for free, and I really do enjoy doing it.
I also have my hearing on the 12th September so I should have all my money sorted soon, and then on the 13th me and Demi are off to see Motionless in White, down in Camden. As for the medical side of things, my doc has put me onto opiates for the pain. They work pretty well, and although they dont remove the pain totally, its down to a toleratable level. The only problem is that I feel like I can do things, but when I try, the pain is instantly back to being bad. I tried to move a box the other day, after taking a tablet and feeling "ok", but no, I lifted the box, which wasnt that heavy, and I doubled over in pain like I wasnt on any medication. Apart from that, they send me on a slight trip every time I take them. Its like feeling Ive had a few too many drinks, just before your at the point of being drunk, but without the slurred speech, etc. Im gonna have to be careful while Im on them, opiates are basically the legal form of heroin, and are highly addictive. Anyway...
More posts later! Peace x
This evening was the highlight of the week so far. I went to watch West Side Story, at the Pegasus theatre. I'm a big fan of musicals but its been many years since Ive been able to enjoy one at a theatre, and tonight was a big supprise. I was originally only going to show support for a close friend, Rhiannon, as she was perforning in it, but it turned out to be so much more than just me paying respects to a friend. With such a young cast and production team, and with the short time they have all had to practice, reherse and get the show together, they really did an amazing job. The sound, coreography and acting of those young stars was breath taking, and for such a small stage production as this, I wasn't expecting the outcome of what you would expect to find in the bigger venues.
Everyone, both on and off stage, have put in so much effort to make the show what it has become. Yes there were a few downfalls, mainly with the acoustics of the place, a few technical problems with sound, especially as the band were sometimes a lot louder than the singers, and I feel some of this was down to the theatre, and the microphones used, but all in all I was wowed by the performance. Talent especially showed through the actor who played Riff. His spirit and voice empowered the audience, and showed true, unbridled emotion. The characters of Tony and Maria also showed a lot of promise. Again, with the power and emotion shown put into their roles on stage they gripped the audience and pulled everyone into the story.
As for the music, the band were inspiring. Each note gripped and incapsulated the emotions of the characters on stage, and impowered the whole presence of the scene. Despite a few notes that lasted a tad too long, or the slight background noise that may have been heard from cleaning insruments during quiet parts, the whole experience was a breathtaking one.
With every gasp, cheer or tear on stage, the audience was pulled into the reverie of it all, and everyone left the show with smiles on their faces. Two and a half hours of raw power and pure magical enchantment of the entire show had me spellbound and speechless as I left the performance. A big congratulations goes to the whole team, and to RicNic, the group who put on the production.
As for other business, it is Jay's first Birthday today. My beautiful godson and name sake, is 1 already. Time really does fly by these days. Tomorrow is a big joint wedding / 1st birthday party, in which again I will be DJ'ing, at least this time with decent gear, despite the lack of a DJ deck. Im about 10 years out of touch with the whole DJ'ing scene and I'd be lost these days compared to the DJs of today, but Im doing it for free, and I really do enjoy doing it.
I also have my hearing on the 12th September so I should have all my money sorted soon, and then on the 13th me and Demi are off to see Motionless in White, down in Camden. As for the medical side of things, my doc has put me onto opiates for the pain. They work pretty well, and although they dont remove the pain totally, its down to a toleratable level. The only problem is that I feel like I can do things, but when I try, the pain is instantly back to being bad. I tried to move a box the other day, after taking a tablet and feeling "ok", but no, I lifted the box, which wasnt that heavy, and I doubled over in pain like I wasnt on any medication. Apart from that, they send me on a slight trip every time I take them. Its like feeling Ive had a few too many drinks, just before your at the point of being drunk, but without the slurred speech, etc. Im gonna have to be careful while Im on them, opiates are basically the legal form of heroin, and are highly addictive. Anyway...
More posts later! Peace x
Tuesday, 21 August 2012
Opiates! lol
Well... A few things of note. I will start with my Doctors appointment I had on the 17th. Explained to Hilary (my GP) about how long I had to wait for the pain management appointment, which I mentioned in my last post, and told her how bad the pain is getting. With advice on meds from the Wonderful Lenny, I convinced Hilary that what Im on just isnt doing anything, and she has now put me on an opiate based painkiller. Yes, I know opiates are the legal form of cocaine, but I dont care. What I do care about is that it works, for the most part. If I dont do anything, they work wonders, Im still in pain, but its eased up so much, I feel great. Thats about the only good point to these pills. If after taking them, and feeling slightly better, I try to do anything, then Im in agony. After the first pill I took, and was feeling better, I tried to move a box, not that big, and not really heavy, but it did me in, I was doubled over in pain. The second time I took a pill wias this morning, and feeling good, I went for a walk upto headington to do some shopping for my nan. Such a bad idea! So its decided, they work well, as long as i pretend Im still in a lot of pain and dont do anything! They also make me feel like Ive been drinking alcohol, and Im a bit tipsy, which is a weird feeling seeming as I havent drunk anything in 3 1/2 years, minus one or two occasions.
Second item of note is I really like someone! Yeah, I know, its me, and I proberly wont do anything about it, but heres me wishfully hoping... .Will have to see what happens! Anyway, whats more shocking is shes my age! Im 13 days older than her. lol We have been constantly speaking for a while now, and its great. I dont know if she feels the same way, but time will tell.
Oh, thirdly... I've finally got a date for my tribunal! 12th September! Ive worked out, if I get what Im expecting and they can do my DLA as well as my ESA at the same hearing, around £2500! Would of been nice to have the money before my trip to camden to see motionless in white on the 13th, but oh well, it will still be a good time!
Hmm... not much else has been going on. so off I go!
Peace x
Second item of note is I really like someone! Yeah, I know, its me, and I proberly wont do anything about it, but heres me wishfully hoping... .Will have to see what happens! Anyway, whats more shocking is shes my age! Im 13 days older than her. lol We have been constantly speaking for a while now, and its great. I dont know if she feels the same way, but time will tell.
Oh, thirdly... I've finally got a date for my tribunal! 12th September! Ive worked out, if I get what Im expecting and they can do my DLA as well as my ESA at the same hearing, around £2500! Would of been nice to have the money before my trip to camden to see motionless in white on the 13th, but oh well, it will still be a good time!
Hmm... not much else has been going on. so off I go!
Peace x
Wednesday, 1 August 2012
On and on and on...
So my Birthday has come and gone. 28 years old now. Decided to invite all my friends out on the saturday after (14th) just for a few drinks at the pub, then move on to PT after. It went ok, but it wasnt as good as I expected it to be. Firstly, of all people not to show up, Demi wasnt there. Im rather disappointed in that. Ali and Char showed up, even though it was for only 5 minutes to say happy birthday. What I dont understand is how they only showed for 5 minutes, demi not at all, yet Gizmo has a broken back and still managed to come out for it! At the moment Im really disillusioned over who my real, actual friends are these days. Oh, and as for presents go :S my nan gave me £40 towards a new music player (more about that in a second) and my uncle brought a load of food for a bbq i had a few days ago! Demi also got my ticket to see Motionless in White, which is amazing! and thats it! Im giving up on buying people birthday presents any more, they can all go to hell!
About the music player. My IPod has been broken for a while, and I loved it. The only downsides to my ipod touch were using itunes, and the limited 64Gb capacity. So I've brought a new one. £140 on an archos 48 internet tablet. 500Gb as well, so thats big enough to hold my entire music collection and then some. Only down side is its quite heavy and runs on an outdated android system. I dont really care lol. But... the day i got it, it seemed to start being gay, entered recovery mode and wouldnt get back out of it, so I had to pay a further £7 to send it back to Archos direct. The recieved it monday, and sent me a new one out last night. It will arrive today between 12:40 and 13:40. Despite it costing another £7 its a great customer service.
Health wise, Im not sure what to do. Everything seems to keep getting worse, and nothing seems to help. Ive been speaking to Lenny, a friend who's a nurse, and shes asked one of her Doctor friends, and they both agree that Im on the wrong meds. I agree as well, Ive known for a while and seeming as my pain meds dont work anyway, i dont really take them unless im in dire need. Anyway, Lenny and her Doctor friend think I should be on MST which is a morphine based tablet, and then oramorph for backup when the pain is really really bad. Im gonna bring this all up with my GP on the 17th when I go see her and get her to review all my drugs.
My depression has taken a turn for the worse. When i go down, im seriously down, as in suicidal, and its the worst its ever been, even compared to the whole Ali / suicide situation, which is saying something. Whats most annoying is how quickly it can change. One minute I can be fine, and at a click of my fingers Im down, and I dont know whats triggering it most of the time. As for feeling happy, or even feeling ok, that never happens anymore. Ive found it supprisingly easy to lie to my friends and family and say im ok, when I know myself that Im not. Now I dispise lying, but its so much easier to hide how down I am and to pretend that Im ok, than it is to actually talk to someone about it. Im gonna attempt to speak to my GP about this as well. Im refusing to see my psych but a change in my antidepressants may help.
On other medical notes, the pain management team that I was meant to see after my operation on 5th MArch... They have finally sent me an appointment, but its for 26th November. Its a fucking joke. I recieved the appointment a few days after emailing my MP, Andrew Smith, asking for help with this and my Tribunals. Maybe its a result of me writing to him, but Im ringing PALs to complain, then Im emailing Andrew Smith again, asking if he has any power to move the date forward for my appointment. As for the tribunals, the one for my ESA was meant to be 5-9 weeks after I got my letter. Today is 9 weeks. I rang them yesterday and they said it could take another month. Im not sure how long my DSA one will take, that letter said 6-10 weeks and it was dated middle of July. But depending on which one I get first, Im going to get them to hold both at the same time. As of this coming Saturday, my backpay for ESA is £590! That should help pay off some bills, and give me some money towards the Camden trip when me and demi go see motionless in white!
LEts see, what else has been going on... Honestly not a lot, i hardly ever go out because of the pain, and I really just cant be bothered the rest of the time. Im sure I will post again later, but it will proberly be in another 2 months or so. I remember when I first started this blog many years ago and I was posting weekly, and I wish I had a life and what not to be able to do that, but every day seems to blend into another, and its all the same at the end of the day.
Peace x
About the music player. My IPod has been broken for a while, and I loved it. The only downsides to my ipod touch were using itunes, and the limited 64Gb capacity. So I've brought a new one. £140 on an archos 48 internet tablet. 500Gb as well, so thats big enough to hold my entire music collection and then some. Only down side is its quite heavy and runs on an outdated android system. I dont really care lol. But... the day i got it, it seemed to start being gay, entered recovery mode and wouldnt get back out of it, so I had to pay a further £7 to send it back to Archos direct. The recieved it monday, and sent me a new one out last night. It will arrive today between 12:40 and 13:40. Despite it costing another £7 its a great customer service.
Health wise, Im not sure what to do. Everything seems to keep getting worse, and nothing seems to help. Ive been speaking to Lenny, a friend who's a nurse, and shes asked one of her Doctor friends, and they both agree that Im on the wrong meds. I agree as well, Ive known for a while and seeming as my pain meds dont work anyway, i dont really take them unless im in dire need. Anyway, Lenny and her Doctor friend think I should be on MST which is a morphine based tablet, and then oramorph for backup when the pain is really really bad. Im gonna bring this all up with my GP on the 17th when I go see her and get her to review all my drugs.
My depression has taken a turn for the worse. When i go down, im seriously down, as in suicidal, and its the worst its ever been, even compared to the whole Ali / suicide situation, which is saying something. Whats most annoying is how quickly it can change. One minute I can be fine, and at a click of my fingers Im down, and I dont know whats triggering it most of the time. As for feeling happy, or even feeling ok, that never happens anymore. Ive found it supprisingly easy to lie to my friends and family and say im ok, when I know myself that Im not. Now I dispise lying, but its so much easier to hide how down I am and to pretend that Im ok, than it is to actually talk to someone about it. Im gonna attempt to speak to my GP about this as well. Im refusing to see my psych but a change in my antidepressants may help.
On other medical notes, the pain management team that I was meant to see after my operation on 5th MArch... They have finally sent me an appointment, but its for 26th November. Its a fucking joke. I recieved the appointment a few days after emailing my MP, Andrew Smith, asking for help with this and my Tribunals. Maybe its a result of me writing to him, but Im ringing PALs to complain, then Im emailing Andrew Smith again, asking if he has any power to move the date forward for my appointment. As for the tribunals, the one for my ESA was meant to be 5-9 weeks after I got my letter. Today is 9 weeks. I rang them yesterday and they said it could take another month. Im not sure how long my DSA one will take, that letter said 6-10 weeks and it was dated middle of July. But depending on which one I get first, Im going to get them to hold both at the same time. As of this coming Saturday, my backpay for ESA is £590! That should help pay off some bills, and give me some money towards the Camden trip when me and demi go see motionless in white!
LEts see, what else has been going on... Honestly not a lot, i hardly ever go out because of the pain, and I really just cant be bothered the rest of the time. Im sure I will post again later, but it will proberly be in another 2 months or so. I remember when I first started this blog many years ago and I was posting weekly, and I wish I had a life and what not to be able to do that, but every day seems to blend into another, and its all the same at the end of the day.
Peace x
Friday, 8 June 2012
Feeling Old
Since my last post, Ive been to my doctors, and supprisingly saw her about a problem other than my stomach complaint! I had developed a blister on my big toe on my right foot. Im not sure how I got it, but I had it for about 3 weeks before I saw my Doctor, and although I had left it for a while to heal naturally, like your meant to do, its bigger than any I have seen before, and had become hard, so I was obviously quite worried. What with being Diabetic, my feet can be infected very easily, and I didnt want this to become a problem. I had also spoken to my Doctor about my boils that, since my stomach problem, have been coming more regularly than previous. Anyway... Ive been put onto a course of antibiotics, and my boil seems to be a lot better now! It is only a quarter of its original size, and is not covered by dark hardened skin any more. This is a good thing, but its pretty much the only good thing thats happened in the last few months. The antibiotics havent helped with my boils, and I've come down with a very bad cough. Im not sure if its just some bug going around, or a mild allergy to the pills, but Im finding it harder to breath sometimes, and I have some very bad coughing fits, which end up hurting my sides, the bottom of my rib cage, and my stomach. On occasion it has also made me physically sick and immobilizes me. Now I know what the Docs are going to say... Smoking this, smoking that, none of it is helping etc etc... and I know they are right, smoking isnt helping the problem, especially with being Diabeting, and with my stomach problem, no immune system etc... but Ive been smoking for 14 years, and this isnt the start of some problem to do with smoking. It would seem very odd that my cough started just after starting on new medication. Anyway, I only have a few days left on these pills, and if it persists after stopping this medication, I have a doctors appointment in 2 weeks!
My application for DLA (Disability Living Allowence) was denied, which Im appealing against as they are using the evidence from my medical examination from the ESA as a guideline to my eligability. The same medical examination that I am appealing against due to lack of professionalism and bias oppinions and have asked them to seek evidence from my GP and consultant instead. I havent heard back from them yet, but I plan on ringing them next week if I dont hear from them. On the good side, Ive heard back about my appeal for ESA. Im just waiting on a date for my tribunal now, and if things go the way they did last time, it will all be fine, and the backpay will help pay some much needed bills. Again, its a matter of waiting to see.
As for my stomach problem, my Doc is getting in touch with the pain management team again, as I havent heard from them. Its getting worse, along with my depression. It feels like every month i feel 5 years older than previously. The cough problem isnt helping either, but I cant walk as far as the previous month, seem to have fewer good days every month, and it feels like Im growing older quicker than I should. Its like my body has given up on the fight, which makes my mind give up, causing even more problems on the side of depression. I plan on mentioning it to my doctor in 2 weeks. I feel like I just cant go on any more. As much as I try to convince myself that Im ok, and not as bad as I actually am, its not working, and a part of me knows that Im fighting a battle that I just cant win. Im not gonna just pack it in, and give up on it all, I dont want that, or at least, a part of me doesnt want to do that, and I'll continue the battle, one part of my mind fighting the other, but these days, Im not sure which side is winning. meh... this is enough babbling for now! Time to go back to my vegitable life of laying in bed watching old sci-fi tv programs. Currently working my way through Stargate SG1... just about to start season 4. lol
And todays tunage is...... Emarosa - A toast to the future kids!
My application for DLA (Disability Living Allowence) was denied, which Im appealing against as they are using the evidence from my medical examination from the ESA as a guideline to my eligability. The same medical examination that I am appealing against due to lack of professionalism and bias oppinions and have asked them to seek evidence from my GP and consultant instead. I havent heard back from them yet, but I plan on ringing them next week if I dont hear from them. On the good side, Ive heard back about my appeal for ESA. Im just waiting on a date for my tribunal now, and if things go the way they did last time, it will all be fine, and the backpay will help pay some much needed bills. Again, its a matter of waiting to see.
As for my stomach problem, my Doc is getting in touch with the pain management team again, as I havent heard from them. Its getting worse, along with my depression. It feels like every month i feel 5 years older than previously. The cough problem isnt helping either, but I cant walk as far as the previous month, seem to have fewer good days every month, and it feels like Im growing older quicker than I should. Its like my body has given up on the fight, which makes my mind give up, causing even more problems on the side of depression. I plan on mentioning it to my doctor in 2 weeks. I feel like I just cant go on any more. As much as I try to convince myself that Im ok, and not as bad as I actually am, its not working, and a part of me knows that Im fighting a battle that I just cant win. Im not gonna just pack it in, and give up on it all, I dont want that, or at least, a part of me doesnt want to do that, and I'll continue the battle, one part of my mind fighting the other, but these days, Im not sure which side is winning. meh... this is enough babbling for now! Time to go back to my vegitable life of laying in bed watching old sci-fi tv programs. Currently working my way through Stargate SG1... just about to start season 4. lol
And todays tunage is...... Emarosa - A toast to the future kids!
Friday, 11 May 2012
Lots and lots of shit :s
Where to begin? Ok, I know my last post was Febuary, and a lot has happened since then, so lets start with the medical side of things.
My operation on 5th MArch went fine. I didnt sleep at all the night before, worrying myself over what would happen, would they find out whats wrong with me and be able to sort me out, would there be complications, or what happens if they dont find anything? Well, they found absolutly nothing :( Apart from that, there were no complications, and I spent the following 6 weeks recovering. The recovery went ok, I only went out once in the 6 weeks, so missed a lot of people. In this time the job centre had stopped my benefits as I was "fit for work" according to their people. Im fighting this decision, and its happened before, but in the mean time Im on reduced rates, so not much money. Ive also sent off an application for disability living allowence, as by the looks of things, Im going to be ill for the forseeable future. The docs wont do any more tests, and no one can work out whats wrong :(
Now on to more shit from different area's. This time the relationship front... Yes Im still single, but not through lack of trying. I started speaking to Ashley, Lois' sister, and things were going really well, she said shes really fancied me for ages, and I admitted that I've fancied her as well, and everything was going to plan! We met up and went for coffee and had a nice chat and I actually thought I could finally settle down with someone and be happy for once. Recently I asked how she would feel if I asked her out, all officially and such, and she said she wasnt ready for a relationship just yet, and I understood. Shes just gotten out of a pretty serious long term relationship before she moved back to Oxford. Ive been single since last August, and didnt mind waiting, so we set up a proper date, which I havent been on in years, and everything was set for last saturday. Nice meal, bottle of wine, and who knows... see where things went. But the thursday before, I notice on her facebook page, that she had a date with someone else :s OK, shes single, Im not gonna let some other date with another guy affect my mood. But then Friday night, I hadnt spoken to her since Wednesday, and I text her asking what time she'd like to meet up on saturday... I dont get a reply. Then later on Friday I notice shes made other plans for Saturday, so Saturday morning I cancelled the date, text her saying I wasnt feeling too good. Since then Ive only spoken once, in which she just said "I hope your ok, take care of yourself". Its like she was ending something that never even had a chance to start. Then today, I find shes in a relationship with the guy she went on that date with last Thursday... Yet she told me she wasnt ready for a relationship, and that she's fancied me for years... yet this happens? Was she just fucking me around? Its totally not like her, I just dont know any more :s Screw her, and everything else!
Now on to the family situation. Its just as bad as it usually is. Wayne is being Wayne and trying to control everything for my Nan, my Nan isnt happy about it. Im trying to keep myself together, and Im failing. I dont know what to do these days :( Its like im in a daze, slowly passing from one day to the next, just because I have to. Ive got nothing to live for anymore. No work possibilities, no futures, no money, no girlfriend, no likely girlfriend, my friends arnt really my friends, none of them care, except maybe Demi and Ali and Gemma. I dont know, I just feel like giving up and packing it all in. So much for trying to get on top of my depression.
List of shitiness
1. Nothing found from operation
2. Ill for the rest of my life
3. DWP fucked up and on reduced money
4. The Ash situation
5. Family Stuff
6. Depression
And todays tunage is...... Evergrey - Wrong
My operation on 5th MArch went fine. I didnt sleep at all the night before, worrying myself over what would happen, would they find out whats wrong with me and be able to sort me out, would there be complications, or what happens if they dont find anything? Well, they found absolutly nothing :( Apart from that, there were no complications, and I spent the following 6 weeks recovering. The recovery went ok, I only went out once in the 6 weeks, so missed a lot of people. In this time the job centre had stopped my benefits as I was "fit for work" according to their people. Im fighting this decision, and its happened before, but in the mean time Im on reduced rates, so not much money. Ive also sent off an application for disability living allowence, as by the looks of things, Im going to be ill for the forseeable future. The docs wont do any more tests, and no one can work out whats wrong :(
Now on to more shit from different area's. This time the relationship front... Yes Im still single, but not through lack of trying. I started speaking to Ashley, Lois' sister, and things were going really well, she said shes really fancied me for ages, and I admitted that I've fancied her as well, and everything was going to plan! We met up and went for coffee and had a nice chat and I actually thought I could finally settle down with someone and be happy for once. Recently I asked how she would feel if I asked her out, all officially and such, and she said she wasnt ready for a relationship just yet, and I understood. Shes just gotten out of a pretty serious long term relationship before she moved back to Oxford. Ive been single since last August, and didnt mind waiting, so we set up a proper date, which I havent been on in years, and everything was set for last saturday. Nice meal, bottle of wine, and who knows... see where things went. But the thursday before, I notice on her facebook page, that she had a date with someone else :s OK, shes single, Im not gonna let some other date with another guy affect my mood. But then Friday night, I hadnt spoken to her since Wednesday, and I text her asking what time she'd like to meet up on saturday... I dont get a reply. Then later on Friday I notice shes made other plans for Saturday, so Saturday morning I cancelled the date, text her saying I wasnt feeling too good. Since then Ive only spoken once, in which she just said "I hope your ok, take care of yourself". Its like she was ending something that never even had a chance to start. Then today, I find shes in a relationship with the guy she went on that date with last Thursday... Yet she told me she wasnt ready for a relationship, and that she's fancied me for years... yet this happens? Was she just fucking me around? Its totally not like her, I just dont know any more :s Screw her, and everything else!
Now on to the family situation. Its just as bad as it usually is. Wayne is being Wayne and trying to control everything for my Nan, my Nan isnt happy about it. Im trying to keep myself together, and Im failing. I dont know what to do these days :( Its like im in a daze, slowly passing from one day to the next, just because I have to. Ive got nothing to live for anymore. No work possibilities, no futures, no money, no girlfriend, no likely girlfriend, my friends arnt really my friends, none of them care, except maybe Demi and Ali and Gemma. I dont know, I just feel like giving up and packing it all in. So much for trying to get on top of my depression.
List of shitiness
1. Nothing found from operation
2. Ill for the rest of my life
3. DWP fucked up and on reduced money
4. The Ash situation
5. Family Stuff
6. Depression
And todays tunage is...... Evergrey - Wrong
Saturday, 11 February 2012
sooo....
Not really much to blog about at the moment. My operation is on 5th March with my pre-op being this Tuesday! On Wednesday Im going to an appointment for a medical review for my Employment Support Allowance... wonder what they will say. As long as they dont fuck it up and say Im fit for work like they did last time!
Im off to Gemma's tomorrow for a flat warming party! It will be good to go back there and see Gemma and Mikey, but what Im really looking forward to is seeing Keri! Ok yeah, you could say I got it bad... you can call it infatuation, a crush, or whatever... I dont care, I like her, and I hope that she likes me in the same way! Yeah she lives in Witney, but it would work. I will hopefully get the balls to ask her out over the next few days. But knowing me, I'll go all shy and ummm... not man the fuck up like I should do. On that note, I've aske Gemma to find out for me! hehehe...
Nothing else really going on at the moments, doctors and hospital appointments galore over the next few months, and Im slightly worried about what will happen come op day. Im not letting it show and its kinda getting me down slightly, but Im managing! Docs put me one another anti-depressant and they seem to be working. Thats 2 types of anti-depressant Im on at the moment now. Along with all the other pills. Other pills... lol Im not actually taking my pain killers, despite my doc saying I should, just because even when I do take them, they dont seem to actually do anything. Saying that, Its been over two years now of taking a cocktail of the strongest pain killers short of morpheine. So maybe Ive become immune to them? If, after the op, and they cant "fix" me, Im asking to be put onto morpheine, and seeing what I can do about getting disability living allowance, or some extra benefits that will help in the financial situation. Only time will tell, and will have to wait till after the op to see what I do. There is always my plan of suing the NHS for neglect, but again, Im waiting til post op to follow that up!
Im off to bed, to read my book, and try to get to bed at a reasonable time, instead of the 6am that Ive been falling to sleep recently!
Peace xxx
Im off to Gemma's tomorrow for a flat warming party! It will be good to go back there and see Gemma and Mikey, but what Im really looking forward to is seeing Keri! Ok yeah, you could say I got it bad... you can call it infatuation, a crush, or whatever... I dont care, I like her, and I hope that she likes me in the same way! Yeah she lives in Witney, but it would work. I will hopefully get the balls to ask her out over the next few days. But knowing me, I'll go all shy and ummm... not man the fuck up like I should do. On that note, I've aske Gemma to find out for me! hehehe...
Nothing else really going on at the moments, doctors and hospital appointments galore over the next few months, and Im slightly worried about what will happen come op day. Im not letting it show and its kinda getting me down slightly, but Im managing! Docs put me one another anti-depressant and they seem to be working. Thats 2 types of anti-depressant Im on at the moment now. Along with all the other pills. Other pills... lol Im not actually taking my pain killers, despite my doc saying I should, just because even when I do take them, they dont seem to actually do anything. Saying that, Its been over two years now of taking a cocktail of the strongest pain killers short of morpheine. So maybe Ive become immune to them? If, after the op, and they cant "fix" me, Im asking to be put onto morpheine, and seeing what I can do about getting disability living allowance, or some extra benefits that will help in the financial situation. Only time will tell, and will have to wait till after the op to see what I do. There is always my plan of suing the NHS for neglect, but again, Im waiting til post op to follow that up!
Im off to bed, to read my book, and try to get to bed at a reasonable time, instead of the 6am that Ive been falling to sleep recently!
Peace xxx
Sunday, 29 January 2012
Good News
Since I wrote to my MP, I've heard back from the hospital and the Complaints Manager! My Operation has been set for 5th MArch which is great news! I'm a little bit nervous about it, but Im glad I've finally got a date! Now I just need to wait the 5 weeks, and pray they find something. Im really starting to miss work, and the money! Ive asl seen my GP and Ive been put onto stronger anti-depressants. Been taking them for 4 days now, and I seem to be in a better mood than usual, although I still have my down sides. Its managable down though, so thats good! I've also been to the eye hospital, after the diabetic team thought my eyes were really bad and I needed surgery, but the eye hospital doc sai they were over exagirating and my eyes are fine for now!
Last night I went to an amazing gig! Crysis did an excellent set as well as seeing Ways Across. Finally got my Crysis tshirt as well! I went with Megan, and Ive been spending alot more time with her. Went to her open mic night last tuesday which was fun. I dont know, things between us seem a bit off, Im not sure if its just me over thinking things, but it seems like shes trying to flirt with me... We've had this discussion before and we both said it wouldnt work if we got back together. Despite my feelings for her, Im not sure if it would work or not :s I'm not gonna do anything, just wait and see how things go!
I've also been speaking to Keri (Gemma's sister) alot. Yeah, I have a crush on her, but Im not sure how she feels about me, so will have to find out somehow. Anyway, Im seeing her on the 11th at Gemma's house party as Gemma and Mikey hae now, finally, got their own place! I spent a week and a half with them, helping them move and decorate! Its a really nice 2 bedroom appartment in Long Wittenham. Its right between Didcot and Abingdon, 3 miles to either. A really small, quiet village with no shops etc but its great out there!
Hmm... Other news? Demi and Flatz have broken up, and its Demi's birthday soon, so that should be fun. Wig seems to be sleeping alot recently, Im not sure if its because of her age, or what, but i dont think its good, and she wont see a doctor either :s Well thats all from my boring life! Post again some time soon!
Peace x
And todays tunage is...... Ways Across - Believe
Last night I went to an amazing gig! Crysis did an excellent set as well as seeing Ways Across. Finally got my Crysis tshirt as well! I went with Megan, and Ive been spending alot more time with her. Went to her open mic night last tuesday which was fun. I dont know, things between us seem a bit off, Im not sure if its just me over thinking things, but it seems like shes trying to flirt with me... We've had this discussion before and we both said it wouldnt work if we got back together. Despite my feelings for her, Im not sure if it would work or not :s I'm not gonna do anything, just wait and see how things go!
I've also been speaking to Keri (Gemma's sister) alot. Yeah, I have a crush on her, but Im not sure how she feels about me, so will have to find out somehow. Anyway, Im seeing her on the 11th at Gemma's house party as Gemma and Mikey hae now, finally, got their own place! I spent a week and a half with them, helping them move and decorate! Its a really nice 2 bedroom appartment in Long Wittenham. Its right between Didcot and Abingdon, 3 miles to either. A really small, quiet village with no shops etc but its great out there!
Hmm... Other news? Demi and Flatz have broken up, and its Demi's birthday soon, so that should be fun. Wig seems to be sleeping alot recently, Im not sure if its because of her age, or what, but i dont think its good, and she wont see a doctor either :s Well thats all from my boring life! Post again some time soon!
Peace x
And todays tunage is...... Ways Across - Believe
Tuesday, 3 January 2012
A new year, same old shit
I was thinking, wouldnt it be nice to have some of my old things back... nothing material, just emotions, feelings, friends, etc. I find myself reminising more and more about what I used to have and everything Ive lost, through my own mistakes or other reasons. I dont know what I'm doing any more. I've lost all reason for being, with no energy or motivation in my life. Christmas came and went, and although it was slightly better than previous years, it was still the same old shit that I hate. At least this year I didnt get any unwanted presents. New years eve went ok as well, went to Pizza hut with everyone, were 13 of us and it was good fun, then in the Wheatsheaf with a smaller group of friends, and it all went ok, a few things got me down, but again, thats just my depression kicking in to do with things I cant control and they shouldnt bother me but they do.
In other, happier news, Star Wars: The Old Republic came out 20th December and Ive been playing that, its been amazing and Im not quite sure if I prefer it over WoW but its a nice change. You have lightsabers, need I really say more?
Medically speaking, Ive been getting worse, I wrote to my MP yesterday to see if he can help me get my operation. He helped back last April when I couldnt get an appointment, so hopefully he will help again. Like I said, my depression is also really bad, but the stomach problem doesnt help, and Ive stopped testing my blood sugars again and im not ontop of my diabetes, but thats partly due to my depression and that I really dont give a fuck any more. If the NHS doesnt care that I could possibly have a life threatening condition, why should I? Its not like I've got much to live for anyway. Constantly in pain, either not sleeping, or when I do, its for 15hours at a time... bleh!
As for girlfriends, or lack thereof, yeah it pisses me off, but with being ill, Im not exactly in a fit state to go out and socialize and find one. I end up sitting at home all the time watching girls I fancy fall in love with other people, or flirt with others, not realizing that I actually fancy them. oh well... life goes on, unfortunitly.
gonna go and umm... do something, not sure what, but something...
peace x
In other, happier news, Star Wars: The Old Republic came out 20th December and Ive been playing that, its been amazing and Im not quite sure if I prefer it over WoW but its a nice change. You have lightsabers, need I really say more?
Medically speaking, Ive been getting worse, I wrote to my MP yesterday to see if he can help me get my operation. He helped back last April when I couldnt get an appointment, so hopefully he will help again. Like I said, my depression is also really bad, but the stomach problem doesnt help, and Ive stopped testing my blood sugars again and im not ontop of my diabetes, but thats partly due to my depression and that I really dont give a fuck any more. If the NHS doesnt care that I could possibly have a life threatening condition, why should I? Its not like I've got much to live for anyway. Constantly in pain, either not sleeping, or when I do, its for 15hours at a time... bleh!
As for girlfriends, or lack thereof, yeah it pisses me off, but with being ill, Im not exactly in a fit state to go out and socialize and find one. I end up sitting at home all the time watching girls I fancy fall in love with other people, or flirt with others, not realizing that I actually fancy them. oh well... life goes on, unfortunitly.
gonna go and umm... do something, not sure what, but something...
peace x
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