emotional without emotions

So last night and today have been an emotional rollercoaster, as the saying goes, the problem is, my emotions have disappeared. I just feel numb. Me and char had a long conversation last night on msn, and she came round this morning. We've split up. It was my decision, and i think its for the better. For the last 2 or 3 months, I've been seperating myself from our relationship, kinda like, dulling down my feelings. It hasnt been intentional, its just, after all the fucked up relationships ive been in, its my safety net. As soon as i sense any sort of trouble, or a sign of an arguement, i bury myself, inside of myself, and basically shut down emotionally. Ive stopped loving her as much as i did when we first got together, and I know most of it is my fault. We've been arguing more and more, and ive been showing less and less of my emotions. As much as I do still have feelings for her, they arnt the same as when we started. I do still love her, but im not in love with her, if that makes any sense. Im still confused as to how and why Ive come to this conclusion, but Ive done it to one, not cause as much pain to charlotte when, a few months later, it does reach a boiling point, and hurt her even more then it did doing it today, and two, to save myself. This self destructive path of burying myself and closing down all my emotions, I dont want it to get worse, and tip me over the point of no return. I dont want to go there, and to save myself, so that one day, I may actually start to feel something, for char, or for someone else, I needed to save myself now. This year doesnt seem very good for relationships in general :S

In other news, I heard back from my complaint letter to the NHS, and they will get back to me within 25 days with a result, or more details. Not sure what is going to happen with any outcome I get, maybe they will pull their collective fingers out their arses! As for DWP, they are still paying me base rate, and Im waiting for the appeal, which wont be until febuary 2011 which sucks! all my bills are starting to add up again :s

Not in the mood for much talking now, so im off to play wow or something!

Peace x

And todays tunage is...... Candlebox - Breathe Me In