sooo....

Not really much to blog about at the moment. My operation is on 5th March with my pre-op being this Tuesday! On Wednesday Im going to an appointment for a medical review for my Employment Support Allowance... wonder what they will say. As long as they dont fuck it up and say Im fit for work like they did last time!

Im off to Gemma's tomorrow for a flat warming party! It will be good to go back there and see Gemma and Mikey, but what Im really looking forward to is seeing Keri! Ok yeah, you could say I got it bad... you can call it infatuation, a crush, or whatever... I dont care, I like her, and I hope that she likes me in the same way! Yeah she lives in Witney, but it would work. I will hopefully get the balls to ask her out over the next few days. But knowing me, I'll go all shy and ummm... not man the fuck up like I should do. On that note, I've aske Gemma to find out for me! hehehe...

Nothing else really going on at the moments, doctors and hospital appointments galore over the next few months, and Im slightly worried about what will happen come op day. Im not letting it show and its kinda getting me down slightly, but Im managing! Docs put me one another anti-depressant and they seem to be working. Thats 2 types of anti-depressant Im on at the moment now. Along with all the other pills. Other pills... lol Im not actually taking my pain killers, despite my doc saying I should, just because even when I do take them, they dont seem to actually do anything. Saying that, Its been over two years now of taking a cocktail of the strongest pain killers short of morpheine. So maybe Ive become immune to them? If, after the op, and they cant "fix" me, Im asking to be put onto morpheine, and seeing what I can do about getting disability living allowance, or some extra benefits that will help in the financial situation. Only time will tell, and will have to wait till after the op to see what I do. There is always my plan of suing the NHS for neglect, but again, Im waiting til post op to follow that up!

Im off to bed, to read my book, and try to get to bed at a reasonable time, instead of the 6am that Ive been falling to sleep recently!

Peace xxx

Good News

Since I wrote to my MP, I've heard back from the hospital and the Complaints Manager! My Operation has been set for 5th MArch which is great news! I'm a little bit nervous about it, but Im glad I've finally got a date! Now I just need to wait the 5 weeks, and pray they find something. Im really starting to miss work, and the money! Ive asl seen my GP and Ive been put onto stronger anti-depressants. Been taking them for 4 days now, and I seem to be in a better mood than usual, although I still have my down sides. Its managable down though, so thats good! I've also been to the eye hospital, after the diabetic team thought my eyes were really bad and I needed surgery, but the eye hospital doc sai they were over exagirating and my eyes are fine for now!

Last night I went to an amazing gig! Crysis did an excellent set as well as seeing Ways Across. Finally got my Crysis tshirt as well! I went with Megan, and Ive been spending alot more time with her. Went to her open mic night last tuesday which was fun. I dont know, things between us seem a bit off, Im not sure if its just me over thinking things, but it seems like shes trying to flirt with me... We've had this discussion before and we both said it wouldnt work if we got back together. Despite my feelings for her, Im not sure if it would work or not :s I'm not gonna do anything, just wait and see how things go!

I've also been speaking to Keri (Gemma's sister) alot. Yeah, I have a crush on her, but Im not sure how she feels about me, so will have to find out somehow. Anyway, Im seeing her on the 11th at Gemma's house party as Gemma and Mikey hae now, finally, got their own place! I spent a week and a half with them, helping them move and decorate! Its a really nice 2 bedroom appartment in Long Wittenham. Its right between Didcot and Abingdon, 3 miles to either. A really small, quiet village with no shops etc but its great out there!

Hmm... Other news? Demi and Flatz have broken up, and its Demi's birthday soon, so that should be fun. Wig seems to be sleeping alot recently, Im not sure if its because of her age, or what, but i dont think its good, and she wont see a doctor either :s Well thats all from my boring life! Post again some time soon!

Peace x



And todays tunage is...... Ways Across - Believe

A new year, same old shit

I was thinking, wouldnt it be nice to have some of my old things back... nothing material, just emotions, feelings, friends, etc. I find myself reminising more and more about what I used to have and everything Ive lost, through my own mistakes or other reasons. I dont know what I'm doing any more. I've lost all reason for being, with no energy or motivation in my life. Christmas came and went, and although it was slightly better than previous years, it was still the same old shit that I hate. At least this year I didnt get any unwanted presents. New years eve went ok as well, went to Pizza hut with everyone, were 13 of us and it was good fun, then in the Wheatsheaf with a smaller group of friends, and it all went ok, a few things got me down, but again, thats just my depression kicking in to do with things I cant control and they shouldnt bother me but they do.

In other, happier news, Star Wars: The Old Republic came out 20th December and Ive been playing that, its been amazing and Im not quite sure if I prefer it over WoW but its a nice change. You have lightsabers, need I really say more?

Medically speaking, Ive been getting worse, I wrote to my MP yesterday to see if he can help me get my operation. He helped back last April when I couldnt get an appointment, so hopefully he will help again. Like I said, my depression is also really bad, but the stomach problem doesnt help, and Ive stopped testing my blood sugars again and im not ontop of my diabetes, but thats partly due to my depression and that I really dont give a fuck any more. If the NHS doesnt care that I could possibly have a life threatening condition, why should I? Its not like I've got much to live for anyway. Constantly in pain, either not sleeping, or when I do, its for 15hours at a time... bleh!

As for girlfriends, or lack thereof, yeah it pisses me off, but with being ill, Im not exactly in a fit state to go out and socialize and find one. I end up sitting at home all the time watching girls I fancy fall in love with other people, or flirt with others, not realizing that I actually fancy them. oh well... life goes on, unfortunitly.

gonna go and umm... do something, not sure what, but something...

peace x

Its been a while...

I had to actually look at my blog to see when I last posted, it was that long ago! So many things have happened and changed :s Where to begin... My and Angie broke up ages ago, I dont really care, shes a bitch! I tried the whole being friends after, but she was still trying to control me etc so Im ignoring her! Basically it went like this... Adam polish was coming back to the UK, and everyone was going into town to say hello and meet up etc, and everything was fine at first but they all decided to go smoke weed somewhere, so I was left at Bonn Square with Jebus. It was starting to rain, no one else was around, and we bumped into Gizmo, Rhiannon and Charlie. We all decided to go for a coffee, I text Angie telling her what I was doing, and it was nice to catch up with the girls. Afterwards I went back to Bonn Square and Angie had gone home, not telling me anything. Me and some of the guys decided to go to the pub, at this point I rang Angie, after realizing I had a dozen missed calls from her. She basically had a massive go at me. Anyway, I stayed at the pub, and got home around 10pm ish... After logging into facebook and seeing her online, I asked her what was happening and wanted an explanation for what happened, why she went off etc and had a go at me... Anywy she dumped me over facebook, I wasnt happy about it but I knew something was up anyway. What I havent mentioned is a week before she dumped me, Adam asked Demi back out, Demi said no. The day after he asked Angie out, and asked her to dump me for him... Coincidence? I think not. 3 days after her dumping me shes dating him. At this point, I couldnt care less. later, me and Angie tried being friends, just talking etc, but everytime we talked, she kept going on about how she didnt dump me, and how her getting with Adam had nothing to do with him asking her out, and she kept going on about how she was still in love with me. Mind fuck or what? She then decided to invite herself to Panda's birthday party, by then her and adam had broken up, she wasnt invited as panda and dotti hate her, and she decided to sit right in front of me with adam and kept flirting with him, acting like they hadnt broken up. I deleted her from FB that night. We then come to Isis' halloween party, which she was invited to, and which she got adam to come to. Her and Adam had a "heart-to-heart" in which she tried to get back with him, he said no. A minute later she tried getting back with me, and I said no. Then 30 seconds later she tried getting with a drunk 15 year old... Desperate much? Anyway, enough of all that...

Demi and mutley didnt last long together, shes now back with Flatz. Not sure if this is a good or a bad thing yet. Flatz has calmed down on the drinking which is a good thing, but demi never seems to go out anymore. She's always had the problem with putting her boyfriends before her friends, which I dont agree on, but oh well.

I still havent heard anything about my cancelled operation. My painkillers have stopped working and I spend most of my time in alot of pain. Im at my diabetic appointment next thursday so Im gonna see if they can do anything about it. I dont think anything will happen though. Gonna make a doctors appointment in the next week or two and get my GP to try to sort things out.

Ummm... Other news... Dom Finn and Rhiannon are back together. Wayne went on holiday for 2 weeks, in which the majority of the house has been redecorated with help from Jonathan. Ive upgraded my PC majorly with the money I got that was owed from my job at Mices. Krissy has moved back to Scotland. I payed off alot of my bills, still majorly in debt though. Think Im gonna sue the NHS for deglect. As for my depression... no comment! Its really bad, I cant stand to go out and see people any more, its that bad! Anyway... thats it really, at least, thats what I can remember! lol

Peace x

the last few months

Yes, last May was my last post, and alot has happened since then... So where to begin? Well, to start with the ongoing medical problems. My operation that was planned for 1st July got moved back to 16th August as the consultant went on holiday. I had my pre-op in June and they got back to me saying that they wont operate unless my Hba1c (thats my overall diabetic control) was below 10% and currently it was 13.3% despite the fact that this is the lowest its been in a long long time. I got with my diabetic nurse and got my results down to 8.8% which is very impressive for me. I've also been doing all my bllods and injections etc. Im happy and its still improving! The problem being I rang the hospital on 15th August to find out what time i needed to be at the hospital for my op to only be told that they cancelled back in June after my pre-op. All I was told was I need to sort out my diabetes so they could do the op, I wasnt told it was cancelled. Im really not happy about this and have spent the last week trying to schedule a new op, have left countless phone messages but no one seems to be getting back in touch with me. I also admitted to my GP's nurse that Im depressed, not that I will accept any help, but at least they kinda know now, even if they dont realise just how bad it actually is. As for the heart murmur that was found, It turns out my heart is in perfect working condition, especially considering my medical history, that Im diabetic and a smoker as well. Anyway, enough about my medical history.

My birthday last July went ok, not many people showed up but it was fun. A little trouble in the Gloc concerning me having a birthday cake, but I think alot of that resulted in Flatz not liking me. We then went to PT for Mutiny. PT have decided to put raspberries in their sex on the beach, and me being me, and a bar manager and knowing my cocktails, I know that a sex on the beach DOES NOT contail raspberries. Anyway, this resulted in a trip to A&E as Angie had an alergic reaction! Wasnt the best ending to a birthday, but Im not going to complain, after all its only a birthday and at my age, with my depression, I just dont care about them any more. After all this, my "group" got barred from the Gloc as they think one of us brought our own alcohol into the pub. Considering two of us dont drink, one is dating a barman, and the other 4 are regulars and I was the one who went to the bar to buy all the drinks, its rubbish and again I think this all stemmed from Flatz not liking me, or any of Demi's Friends.

More on the Demi side of things, her and Flatz have broken up which Im really happy about, and she is now going out with Mutley! Its about fucking time! It was about a year ago they first met and both liked each other back then! Anyway Im happy for them both! Oh and also Flatz has lost his job at the Gloc. I havent drunk in there since my birthday, but I may start going back there again now!

In other random news Finn is moving away :( Im not sure why, but he's going back home I think. Also Polish is moving back to the Uk and should be in Oxford now. We lose one foreigner to gain another! lol Panda is dating Dotti which was a shock to me, and Kayleigh is dating Craig, which was another big shock. Especially seeing as Craig is now a dad and was engaged to Georgie. Not sure if he's even seeing his daughter.

Things with Angie are going well. We've had one or two arguements, but every relationship has arguements. Its been over three months now, and as much as I love her, Im not sure if it will last. Im getting to the point where Im feeling a bit fed up with it all, and dont get me wrong, I do really love her, but shes overly clingy and possesive. I also dont think she trusts me. One of her friends left a post saying she was feeling down, so I did my usual *huggles* as I do as a friend and she had a go at me, because her friend has some sort of crush on me. She says she trusts me, but doesnt trust her friend. If she really trusts me then it shouldnt bother her. Yeah her friend has a crush on me, but if she trusts me, she should know I wouldnt let anything happen. She also had a go at me today about how I didnt tell her that I was going to the Gloc tomorrow. I didnt say I was going to the Gloc tomorrow. I said if i was well enough, and could get some cash, then I may go for a bit. Not to mention that she was going to the Gloc anyway to see Polish. Bleh. Thats the other thing thats starting to annoy me. Shes really jealous of my friends, especially my female friends who just so happen to also be ex's. Like Megan etc. Yes shes an ex, but shes also my best friend, and Im not going to stop seeing megan just because Angie is jealous. Shes an ex, and it was a long time ago. Nothing will ever happen between us again. Angie expects me to stop flirting with everyone and to stop seeing certain people because I used to fancy them or date them etc, but she tells me that Polish asked her to dump me and go out with him recently, shes best friends with one of her ex's Adam, and there are other people who constantly flirt with her, and shes fine with all that. She cant expect me to stop doing something then be ok for her to do the exact thing she wants me to stop doing. Its all just getting a bit too much for me, and like Ive said, I do love her, but Im not sure if its going to last, and to be honest, Im not sure if i want it to. I wont even mention how annoying her sister is, or that her sister, whos older than angie, is a manipulating, controlling cow to angie and she cant even see it.

Im just ranting now, so Im gonna go and not play wow as my PC is being gay and crashes every time I play cos of some graphics card driver error that I cant fix :(

Yeah... this is all great for my depression, but its gotten that bad that I just dont really care any more! I need a break, to escape from everything and everyone, but being ill with no money, I cant fucking do that can I!

Peace


And todays tunage is...... Christina Perri - Arms

And her name is Angie

So, I know lifes been shit recently, but that all changed last friday! Spent friday night at Gemma's and as per usual I couldnt sleep, so was on facebook on Gemma's laptop and started speaking to this girl Angie... We got on really well, and spent ages chatting! On saturday leah got picked up by her grandparents, then me, Gemma and Mikey all went to Portsmouth for the day! It was really nice to spend some time with them and to get away from all the shit in oxford! Even if it was only for the day!

Anyway... It comes time for us to start heading home, and of all places for this to happen... the battery in the car is totally dead! with no spare battery, no jump leads, or charger... there we are, stuck in portsmouth! It took us 2-3 hours for Mikey to walk around finding somewhere that was open, gone 6pm on a saturday, that sold jump leads, and to get someone to jumpstart us!Anyway, in the end we were off... Heading back to oxford after a great day! Just outside oxford what happens? Yeah, we break down again, and on the bypass this time! Luckily we were just outside oxford and Gemma got one of her friends to come and jumpstart us again! Gemma and Mikey were meant to be back in oxford, washed, changed and stuff and at the Harvester for a meal with friends by 8pm... We didnt get back into oxford until half 8, but Gemma's friends followed us back to gemma's, we parked up and jumped in their car, and went straight to the Harvester! Got there an hour late, but it was a good meal! And all this when I was skint! Thanks to Gemma for buying me dinner in portsmouth, and at the Harvester! Anyway, I ended up staying at Gemma's again that night as we didnt get back til about 11pm, and got Wig to pick me up in the morning!

Things between me and Angie got closer, etc... all kinda out of the blue for me. Angie admitted that she liked me and I liked her as well, and as of last monday (16th) we have been in a relationship! Its been unbelievable! I know Ive said I didnt want another relationship anytime soon after everything with Char, but I dunno, things just clicked into place with Angie. Its like it was meant to be, and i know that i fall in love really easily, but I think this is going to last a very long time! I havent felt like this in a long time! She's 25, 5foot 2, brown eyes, brown hair, slim, and utterly amazing. She's got an 8year old son, Josh, but shes been having some problems with seeing him etc... wont go into details. She's also a Beaver LEader at the 10th Marston, and is part of the Alpha Bible study group. Yeah, ok religion just isnt me, but Im happy, and I wouldnt change her for the world! I know its only been 5 days, but they've been the best 5 days Ive had in a long long time!

I just hope this relationship lasts! I couldnt cope with another "crash and burn". But we are taking it slow, despite how fast we got into the relationship. She stayed round mine last night, and it was amazing! We havent had sex yet, and if it was anyone else it may have bothered me, but it doesnt! It seems weird saying it, especially given my track record! But things will happen when they happen and im not about to rush her into anything!

In other news, the "post tomorrow" that never happened... Well, my MRI results didnt show a damn thing! The anomily that they saw was just a boil that i knew was there. So there was me worrying about cancer and the likes for nothing! It still doesnt answer the question of whats wrong with me, but Im going in for surgery some time soon so they can poke around and see if they can find anything! If they dont, well theres not much else they can do! I will be refered to a pain management specialist.

Lets see... what else has gone on? Well nothing much really! I have finally been paid, after 7 weeks with no money! Got all my bills paid and got my mobile back so thats good! Also brought myself a gaming keyboard which will be awesome once its arrived! May end up having to reformat my HDD as I have a self replicating worm :( Its a pain in the ass! Spybot gets rid of it, but it keeps showing its ugly head, and blocks all my internet, and since then, my internet speeds have been stupidly slow!

Thats it from me for now! A big shout out to the most amazing girlfriend in the world!

Angela Jane Cooper... I love you! Forever and a day!

Peace xXx

Grrrr

Grrrrrrr....

That is all!

Post tomorrow, maybe!