In a bleh kind of mood today! i should be happy, it is mine and Hayley's 1 month anniversary, and that's great but i feel really down! Went to go see her instead of painting the living room like i was meant to, but that can wait til tomorrow, and seeing Hayley made me happy, which is a big change for me. Especially this time of year... not going into that! im bad enough at the moment without having to talk about any of that!
I dunno... Im just fed up with being ill, and the doctors not having a clue about what is wrong with me, not working, cos i do actually miss it! not going into town on saturdays, the shit money im getting from sick pay! its less then a third of my usual 4 week pay! which means, i still havent decorated my room, still havent brought that hard drive, still havent got any clothes that fit me properly... and above all, in the last 4 or 5 days, ive also gained a stone and a half!
my life totally sucks, and without Hayley, i dont know what i'd do! i proberly wouldnt be here if it wasnt for her! but shes starting to get clingy. Which isnt bad in itself, but when im like this and want time to myself, and have my nan on my back about the decorating and stuff, and shes hanging on to me because she doesnt want me to leave when im already half an hour late... and she kept me for another half an hour doing that, I just dont know! Yeah i love her, she means the world to me, but i dont want to get into another clingy relationship, every time its happened its destroyed the relationship. and im not even going to mention those, you all know the deal.
Anyway, some good news for a change! Im loving WoW, despite hayley despising me even mentioning it, let alone playing it. But my Undead Mage is upto lvl 18, and on the verge of going to lvl 19! cant wait to get to 20, so i can get a mount! my blood elf rogue is upto lvl 13, but having been playing much with here recently.
Ive also done some of my christmas shopping, which leaves me a lil strapped for cash this month, but oh well. I brought wig a digital photo frame, which i hope she likes! Brought Ali a revision book that she wanted, and got Robin some books for his allotment! still need to buy Hayley her present, a passion necklace made from pewter with red Swarkovski diamonds on it, and a purple dragon that lights up. not sure what im getting Wayne yet, or tina, but apart from that, its only small bits and pieces in getting, for stacey and andrea, lewis cat and chris, and a few friends.
Will see when i get paid, seeming as my next pay date is technically on christmas day. hehe
Good night all!
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Saturday, November 07, 2009
happy times with alot of pain!
Where to start? I have a girlfriend! She makes me so damn happy! I love you Hayley! Will have been with her for two weeks this Tuesday! I also have, finally, gotten my PC working again, problem is, i kept some of my backup on the hard drive with all my anime, and in the process of loading windows, the boot sector got loaded onto the wrong hard drive, and now my anime collection and some important backups of my work have now gone :( That's 250Gb of anime! I was almost in tears! But I do now have Windows XP Professional Multimedia Centre Black Edition with SP3
Megan came round last Friday, and has gotten me hooked on World of Warcraft. Only been playing the free 10 day trial, but have brought the "Battlechest" edition from game, and used my points, so only cost me a fiver! It comes with the first game, the Burning Crusades expansion and strategy guides for both. Should arrive on Monday! Also been playing a lot of Brutal Legend. Its a great game, especially with Jack Black and Ozzy Osborne.
Now, about the pain... I went back to the doctors last Wednesday, and I have been put back onto the Tramadol, and also on two different antibiotics. The antibiotics are for a boil that has appeared on my stomach, and is actually causing me more pain then my stomach has been. I've spent the last few days in agony but today is the worst its ever been. The pain killers aren't touching it, and i don't know what to do. The slightest of movements has me crippled on the floor in pain. At least my blood tests were OK, and my doc is chasing up the results from my MRI and finding out about my colonoscopy for me! Apart from that, I've been signed off for yet another two weeks (I've already had 10 weeks off :S) and have another appointment in two weeks time.
Back to playing Wow with my level 7 Undead mage called Oranosis
Peace xxx
Megan came round last Friday, and has gotten me hooked on World of Warcraft. Only been playing the free 10 day trial, but have brought the "Battlechest" edition from game, and used my points, so only cost me a fiver! It comes with the first game, the Burning Crusades expansion and strategy guides for both. Should arrive on Monday! Also been playing a lot of Brutal Legend. Its a great game, especially with Jack Black and Ozzy Osborne.
Now, about the pain... I went back to the doctors last Wednesday, and I have been put back onto the Tramadol, and also on two different antibiotics. The antibiotics are for a boil that has appeared on my stomach, and is actually causing me more pain then my stomach has been. I've spent the last few days in agony but today is the worst its ever been. The pain killers aren't touching it, and i don't know what to do. The slightest of movements has me crippled on the floor in pain. At least my blood tests were OK, and my doc is chasing up the results from my MRI and finding out about my colonoscopy for me! Apart from that, I've been signed off for yet another two weeks (I've already had 10 weeks off :S) and have another appointment in two weeks time.
Back to playing Wow with my level 7 Undead mage called Oranosis
Peace xxx
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Stupid locum doctor!
Went to the doctors yesterday, for a number of reasons. But mainly because my sick note expires soon, I'm out of tramadol (one of my stronger painkillers) and new boils have appeared on my stomach. Problem is, I couldn't get an appointment with one of my usual doctors, and had to see a locum. Fine by me i though. A doctor is a doctor. But no! He not only started questioning me about things that have nothing to do with my illness, but also said that the pains weren't really there. right! I'm curled up in bed crying because of pains that don't exist! and with a high pain tolerance like mine, yeah, there's not really any pains! I've just been on some of the strongest pain killers, admitted to hospital twice, had my appendix removed, had an MRI and about to have a colonoscopy, because there's no pain! Not only that, he wouldn't give me any more tramadol, and almost didnt give me a sick note. Luckily he did give me a 2 week sick note, and i will be going back to see a normal doctor very very soon. I cant handle this pain I'm in! He also did nothing about the boil on my stomach, which i swear must be related to the other problems. The locum also started poking my stomach, which the other docs know hurts me, and he didnt go easy... and without telling me anything!
At least my blood results came back, and he did say they are all clear, which in one way is good, because there's no infection etc, but also bad, because it means there shouldn't be anything wrong with me, in which case, what the hell is causing this pain. Fuck knows whats going on!
Anyway... had good fun on sunday... a certain person came round to see me, and we had a lot of "fun" hehe... I wonder what will happen in the future. I like her, but after everything that's happened, i wonder how this one will turn out. Do i even want to try another realtionship at the moment? and how will this effect Charlotte? I know she likes me and i like her as well, just not enough to have a steady relationship! I will see. Also meant to be going down to see Kitty next monday, hopefully i will go, but not quite sure yet!
Will let ya know how things all go!
Peace xxx
At least my blood results came back, and he did say they are all clear, which in one way is good, because there's no infection etc, but also bad, because it means there shouldn't be anything wrong with me, in which case, what the hell is causing this pain. Fuck knows whats going on!
Anyway... had good fun on sunday... a certain person came round to see me, and we had a lot of "fun" hehe... I wonder what will happen in the future. I like her, but after everything that's happened, i wonder how this one will turn out. Do i even want to try another realtionship at the moment? and how will this effect Charlotte? I know she likes me and i like her as well, just not enough to have a steady relationship! I will see. Also meant to be going down to see Kitty next monday, hopefully i will go, but not quite sure yet!
Will let ya know how things all go!
Peace xxx
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
really...why?
Hey everyone...
I mean, no one. no one really reads this anyway, if they did they might care a bit more. I'm in a fed up, don't give a fuck type of mood at the moment. I'm still ill which is really pissing me off. I miss work! Anyway, I have absolutly fuck all to do. I've had enough of the xbox, got no films to watch, finished my book, and no one online to talk to. It's not even that late.
I ended up looking through my computer, and I really need to stop looking at certain photo's. It wouldn't be so bad if i could delete them, but the photographer inside me wont let me! And just now, i saw a photo online of a certain ex, and got me thinking, which isn't such a good idea in this state of mind. Elly is still jibing me about how much better Daniel is then me, which hurts, but I'm not gonna let it show! All the people in this world that i really care about are gone now. Everyone. Laura doesn't speak to me much anymore, Elly, well... that doesn't even need an explanation. But I'm still thinking about things as far back as Georgie, and Lauren keeps going through my mind. I've heard a few things, that set a few other things straight. Lets just say, her dumping me, and all that jazz, isn't a one off, it seems its in her nature to ruin relationships.
I really don't know what to do with myself at the moment. Everything in my life is so fucked up! At least i have one or two friends who still speak to me and visit me! Megan, Gemma and Emily. but everyone else? all those other people that i really cared about, all those people who have caused my life to be like this? well screw them!
Oh, Im also modding my xbox, photo's will be up soon on my facebook! anyway, im out
Peace xx
I mean, no one. no one really reads this anyway, if they did they might care a bit more. I'm in a fed up, don't give a fuck type of mood at the moment. I'm still ill which is really pissing me off. I miss work! Anyway, I have absolutly fuck all to do. I've had enough of the xbox, got no films to watch, finished my book, and no one online to talk to. It's not even that late.
I ended up looking through my computer, and I really need to stop looking at certain photo's. It wouldn't be so bad if i could delete them, but the photographer inside me wont let me! And just now, i saw a photo online of a certain ex, and got me thinking, which isn't such a good idea in this state of mind. Elly is still jibing me about how much better Daniel is then me, which hurts, but I'm not gonna let it show! All the people in this world that i really care about are gone now. Everyone. Laura doesn't speak to me much anymore, Elly, well... that doesn't even need an explanation. But I'm still thinking about things as far back as Georgie, and Lauren keeps going through my mind. I've heard a few things, that set a few other things straight. Lets just say, her dumping me, and all that jazz, isn't a one off, it seems its in her nature to ruin relationships.
I really don't know what to do with myself at the moment. Everything in my life is so fucked up! At least i have one or two friends who still speak to me and visit me! Megan, Gemma and Emily. but everyone else? all those other people that i really cared about, all those people who have caused my life to be like this? well screw them!
Oh, Im also modding my xbox, photo's will be up soon on my facebook! anyway, im out
Peace xx
Monday, October 05, 2009
close my eyes...
The meeting with Lauren never went to plan! i went into town to met her, and nothing, at all, she blanked me! Its a long complicated story after this, but basically, she said it was all a lie, and she wanted her boyfriend more then me. Her boyfriend started in on our facebook convo, and started asking for prove that Lauren said what she said, so i pasted all the messages she sent me! I don't care! I've now blocked / deleted her on msn, facebook etc! I was upset when all this happened, but i feel better now!
Charlotte is speaking to me again, she can never stay mad at someone for long! Which I'm happy about. Even if things don't go back to how they were, and even if we don't start dating, shes a good friend! I've also spoken to Alison! Yes, THAT Alison! the one from way back when... it was a good convo, we chatted about what happened, or at least, in part. It felt like we cleared the air. Anyway, I'm glad shes happy now, shes engaged and has a beautiful 3 year old daughter!
Not much else has happened recently. I finally got my bar equipment! yay! Completed Halo: ODST last night, its a good game, but the ending was a let down. I didn't feel the game was long enough. And you cant play online like you can in Halo 3. You can only play with friends! Oh, and the doctor signed me off work for another four weeks! I just wish they could find out whats wrong with me and sort it already! I'm missing work, and the money!
more later! Peace xxx
And todays tunage is...... Shinedown - 45 (acoustic)
Charlotte is speaking to me again, she can never stay mad at someone for long! Which I'm happy about. Even if things don't go back to how they were, and even if we don't start dating, shes a good friend! I've also spoken to Alison! Yes, THAT Alison! the one from way back when... it was a good convo, we chatted about what happened, or at least, in part. It felt like we cleared the air. Anyway, I'm glad shes happy now, shes engaged and has a beautiful 3 year old daughter!
Not much else has happened recently. I finally got my bar equipment! yay! Completed Halo: ODST last night, its a good game, but the ending was a let down. I didn't feel the game was long enough. And you cant play online like you can in Halo 3. You can only play with friends! Oh, and the doctor signed me off work for another four weeks! I just wish they could find out whats wrong with me and sort it already! I'm missing work, and the money!
more later! Peace xxx
And todays tunage is...... Shinedown - 45 (acoustic)
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
that time in your life...
In sat here, like I've been for the past few days, trying to find the right words to put down, how to express all these fucked up feelings i have at the moment, into actual words. The problem is, I cant do it, What I'm gonna write now doesn't equate to even 1% of my actual feelings, and emotions I've been having over the last few days.
OK, so we all know when / how Lauren Dumped me, and i mentioned a fling with Elly, it lasted a whole weekend, until she got back with Daniel, and to be honest, Yes I love her, but it would never work out, and I was probably just relapsing from the loss of Lauren, I don't really know. Things got really complicated between me and Elly, and I hurt her, and I'm sorry for what happened between us in the past, but I wont go into the full story... Its all written here anyway. I've also patched things up with Charlotte, or did, anyway. That's all gone south now as well, more on that later.
I'm gonna start with the whole Lauren thing right now. Yes, 3 weeks ago, she broke up with me, and it broke my heart, for her to say what she did, then start dating again so soon after? It tore me to pieces, I just didn't know what to do with myself. Believe it or not, that pain was worse then a bad day with my stomach pains. And then to see her telling her new boyfriend how she feels for him, using the exact lines she used on me. I was near on suicidal and was actually, seriously planning another disappearing trip, maybe not as long as the last one, i cant really afford to disappear for a year this time!
Thing is, I got home from hospital this morning (more on that after this) and fell to sleep, woke up, and decided to start moving, and came upstairs and went online, Emily asked me to unblock Lauren to speak to her, along with quite a few facebook messages saying shes sorry etc and wanting to talk. I actually cried while replying to one of her facebook messages. I then decided, OK I'll unblock her and chat. And we had a long discussion, and she told me how she made a terrible mistake, and was scared and that she loved me still. Now the thing is, I still love her, with all the pieces of my broken shattered heart, but is it enough to take her back? What happens if she gets "scared" again? And what about her boyfriend? She said she still loves him too, is this gonna end up like a Georgie thing? I want her back so damn much, but I've been heart broken one too many times already, and I dont think I could handle another one just quite yet. Do I risk it and gamble my emotional self, or try to move on? Ive had a few girlfriends in the past, and each one of them means something, in a different way to me. But really, for someone to come along and for me to fall in love with like this, it doesnt happen that often. Well, its happened three times... Alison, Laura and Elly. Lauren would be the forth, in the sense that she has actually taken my breath away, its too hard to explain in words. And I know some of my ex's will be reading this, and I loved them, in ways, and I wouldn't of changed the experiences Ive had for anything. But bleh...
Anyway in doing all this, i happened to mention it to Charlotte, and now she isnt speaking to me, because she wanted to patch things up with me and stuff. She says I used her and in a way, looking back on it, yeah, I can see how she would see that. But Lauren has costed me a friendship, and I know, friends should come before relationships, but Lauren means THAT much to me. I'm gonna meet Lauren tomorrow hopefully. Then I can speak to her, properly, and decide on what to do.
Now, hospital. Went in today, and no, it wasn't just a normal MRI scan. The stuck a tube in my nose, that went down my throat, into my stomach, and all the way to my lower intestine. It felt terrible, and I kept gagging. Anyway, the got the tube in, then inserted a metal rod into the tube to help direct it a bit, just to make sure it was in the right place, then after removing that, a chemical got pushed through the tube, into my lower intestines. They took a few x-rays, removed the tube, i waited ten minutes, they took some more, then I got a nice half hour break, told to drink water, then went back in and they took some more x-rays. all dreadfully boring, and I still feel like I have a tube at the back of my throat. Its a weird feeling. But yeah, the scans seemed fine, but will be analyzed, and I should know something in about 2 weeks.
Gonna try and get some sleep now, wanna wake up early, and phone the docs to get some more pain killers, and yet another sick note.
Peace xxx
OK, so we all know when / how Lauren Dumped me, and i mentioned a fling with Elly, it lasted a whole weekend, until she got back with Daniel, and to be honest, Yes I love her, but it would never work out, and I was probably just relapsing from the loss of Lauren, I don't really know. Things got really complicated between me and Elly, and I hurt her, and I'm sorry for what happened between us in the past, but I wont go into the full story... Its all written here anyway. I've also patched things up with Charlotte, or did, anyway. That's all gone south now as well, more on that later.
I'm gonna start with the whole Lauren thing right now. Yes, 3 weeks ago, she broke up with me, and it broke my heart, for her to say what she did, then start dating again so soon after? It tore me to pieces, I just didn't know what to do with myself. Believe it or not, that pain was worse then a bad day with my stomach pains. And then to see her telling her new boyfriend how she feels for him, using the exact lines she used on me. I was near on suicidal and was actually, seriously planning another disappearing trip, maybe not as long as the last one, i cant really afford to disappear for a year this time!
Thing is, I got home from hospital this morning (more on that after this) and fell to sleep, woke up, and decided to start moving, and came upstairs and went online, Emily asked me to unblock Lauren to speak to her, along with quite a few facebook messages saying shes sorry etc and wanting to talk. I actually cried while replying to one of her facebook messages. I then decided, OK I'll unblock her and chat. And we had a long discussion, and she told me how she made a terrible mistake, and was scared and that she loved me still. Now the thing is, I still love her, with all the pieces of my broken shattered heart, but is it enough to take her back? What happens if she gets "scared" again? And what about her boyfriend? She said she still loves him too, is this gonna end up like a Georgie thing? I want her back so damn much, but I've been heart broken one too many times already, and I dont think I could handle another one just quite yet. Do I risk it and gamble my emotional self, or try to move on? Ive had a few girlfriends in the past, and each one of them means something, in a different way to me. But really, for someone to come along and for me to fall in love with like this, it doesnt happen that often. Well, its happened three times... Alison, Laura and Elly. Lauren would be the forth, in the sense that she has actually taken my breath away, its too hard to explain in words. And I know some of my ex's will be reading this, and I loved them, in ways, and I wouldn't of changed the experiences Ive had for anything. But bleh...
Anyway in doing all this, i happened to mention it to Charlotte, and now she isnt speaking to me, because she wanted to patch things up with me and stuff. She says I used her and in a way, looking back on it, yeah, I can see how she would see that. But Lauren has costed me a friendship, and I know, friends should come before relationships, but Lauren means THAT much to me. I'm gonna meet Lauren tomorrow hopefully. Then I can speak to her, properly, and decide on what to do.
Now, hospital. Went in today, and no, it wasn't just a normal MRI scan. The stuck a tube in my nose, that went down my throat, into my stomach, and all the way to my lower intestine. It felt terrible, and I kept gagging. Anyway, the got the tube in, then inserted a metal rod into the tube to help direct it a bit, just to make sure it was in the right place, then after removing that, a chemical got pushed through the tube, into my lower intestines. They took a few x-rays, removed the tube, i waited ten minutes, they took some more, then I got a nice half hour break, told to drink water, then went back in and they took some more x-rays. all dreadfully boring, and I still feel like I have a tube at the back of my throat. Its a weird feeling. But yeah, the scans seemed fine, but will be analyzed, and I should know something in about 2 weeks.
Gonna try and get some sleep now, wanna wake up early, and phone the docs to get some more pain killers, and yet another sick note.
Peace xxx
Friday, September 18, 2009
well, how wonderful! we all know the doctors messed it up when they thought it was my appendix, well last tuesday i got rushed back into hospital, the pain was THAT bad. They still cant work out what is wrong with me. Had an ultrasound and everything looks ok. No ulcers, no fluid, kidneys are fine, gall bladder is fine, hernia is fine. They were talking about genetic diseases and mentioned Crohn's disease...
Anyway, released yesterday, with yet another month off work, and a battery of tests to go through. Cameras, MRI's and a dozen other scans... im hoping they can find out whats wrong with me! I cant stand this pain! and the tramadol they have given me doesn't work, it just makes me tired! At least in the hospital i was on morphine, and it knocked me out so i didn't feel the pain.
More later, when i figure out anything!
Peace xxx
Anyway, released yesterday, with yet another month off work, and a battery of tests to go through. Cameras, MRI's and a dozen other scans... im hoping they can find out whats wrong with me! I cant stand this pain! and the tramadol they have given me doesn't work, it just makes me tired! At least in the hospital i was on morphine, and it knocked me out so i didn't feel the pain.
More later, when i figure out anything!
Peace xxx
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