I AM CODE MONKEY!

So, today was actually fun! Got to see my Demibear!!!! which is like, totally epic! went to the fireworks display in South Park with everyone, had a great time! Came home, started working on my website, updating all the stuff that ive been putting off for ages, and finally fixed my coding problem! been trying to fix it for about 12 hours, and its finally done! so big grtz to myself!!!! Not much left to do on the CV side of my site, just need to code up all my previous employers and the references!

Thursday Char came round, and I got my Linkin Park ticket! I seriously cant wait for that! and it will be good to be in Birmingham again, oh how i miss the place! On Thursday I also heard about my letter of complaint to the NHS and it got signed off on friday and i will hear something back the beginnning of next week! so thats good as well!

Lots of stuff happening this month! Got linkin park / Birmingham on the 9th-10th, Diabetic Appointment 11th, Tribunal for my Employment Support Allowence 15th, Eye hospital 17th, MRI scan 25th... and Im sure there will be other things in between!

Im off to watch Tron and cuddle up in bed now! and yes, the original Tron, not the new one!

Peace xxx

another post...

So its been just over 2 weeks since me and Char have split up. I dont feel any better then I did, but at least I dont feel any worse, and Im not hurting anyone any more! We still speak etc, so its all ok! pent a weekend at Gemma's down in Eastboune, they have a really nice flat there and it was good for me to get away for a bit! I needed the change in scenery, and to get away from Oxford for a bit!

I've also had an appointment with a consultant about my stomach! Its finally getting somewhere! Spent a whole 2 hours with him, and he thinks i either have a hernia, or theres something wrong with the lining of my stomach! Ive got an MRI scan booked, and after, I will be having surgery. Mainly exploratory, but he said they will put in some mesh around my stomach to see if that helps!

As for the money situation! I finally have a date for my tibunal! The 15th November! Will be alot of fun walking in, showing a letter from my doctor saying im unfit for work, and walking out! The backdated extra pay will be nice as well! Will update later about it!

Things to look forward to? well, there's Panda's Pirate Birthday Party tonight at the Gloc, so that will be good! Then theres the Linkin Park gig on the 9th which will be totally fucking AWESOME! Really cant wait for that! Other then that, theres not much else to speak about! So...

Peace guys!

And todays tunage is...... Apocalyptica - Not Strong Enough Ft. Brent Smith

emotional without emotions

So last night and today have been an emotional rollercoaster, as the saying goes, the problem is, my emotions have disappeared. I just feel numb. Me and char had a long conversation last night on msn, and she came round this morning. We've split up. It was my decision, and i think its for the better. For the last 2 or 3 months, I've been seperating myself from our relationship, kinda like, dulling down my feelings. It hasnt been intentional, its just, after all the fucked up relationships ive been in, its my safety net. As soon as i sense any sort of trouble, or a sign of an arguement, i bury myself, inside of myself, and basically shut down emotionally. Ive stopped loving her as much as i did when we first got together, and I know most of it is my fault. We've been arguing more and more, and ive been showing less and less of my emotions. As much as I do still have feelings for her, they arnt the same as when we started. I do still love her, but im not in love with her, if that makes any sense. Im still confused as to how and why Ive come to this conclusion, but Ive done it to one, not cause as much pain to charlotte when, a few months later, it does reach a boiling point, and hurt her even more then it did doing it today, and two, to save myself. This self destructive path of burying myself and closing down all my emotions, I dont want it to get worse, and tip me over the point of no return. I dont want to go there, and to save myself, so that one day, I may actually start to feel something, for char, or for someone else, I needed to save myself now. This year doesnt seem very good for relationships in general :S

In other news, I heard back from my complaint letter to the NHS, and they will get back to me within 25 days with a result, or more details. Not sure what is going to happen with any outcome I get, maybe they will pull their collective fingers out their arses! As for DWP, they are still paying me base rate, and Im waiting for the appeal, which wont be until febuary 2011 which sucks! all my bills are starting to add up again :s

Not in the mood for much talking now, so im off to play wow or something!

Peace x

And todays tunage is...... Candlebox - Breathe Me In

epicness of a long post....

so.... Im really not in the mood today, everything seems to be messing with me! DWP have stopped my money, so im not even getting my Employment & Support Allowance! I've appealed against it, and will fight it, with the backing of my doctors, but in the mean time, im skint! I have £500 worth of bills to pay, with no way of paying them, let alone my mobile bills every month ontop of that, along with the "over-balance" charges / interest on my bills :( So with no money, im now having to rely on my nan for my cigarettes etc, and with the money I already owe her, going into the thousands of pounds figures, i really dont want to ask her for the £519.01 that i need to pay my bills and bring my accounts into balance. let alone, any more cigarettes ontop of that until i start getting money again!

I did go into my bank to ask for a loan, but as im still on my student account, i cannot ask for a loan, and i shouldnt be on my student account... The only way my bank would give me a loan would be for me to change back into a normal account, but I'd then have to pay a monthly fee for my overdraft, and start paying interest on it, which isnt a good idea, seeming as i owe alot as it is, and wouldnt be able to keep up the payments... so im sticking with the student account until i can sort it all out. Im thinking I'm going to speak to my nan and see what she thinks about me getting a £4000 loan to clear all my debts, which will pay off my overdraft, all my credit cards, and leave a bit for security. I dunno at the moment.

As for other things, stuff with Char isnt going so great at the moment. She's admitted that shes not eating as a form of self harm, which isnt good. I dunno what to do about that, shes not telling me why she would want to self harm :s She's always seeming down as well, and I know shes faking it when she looks happy. Im not sure if its me, or something else, and shes not about to say even if it was me. I know she loves me, but shes also complaining about every little thing i do, like today, we were chatting cos shes feeling down, and it makes a change for her to open up like this, but at least shes starting to talk about it! Anyway, i needed to go out with my nan, take her to the dentist, and then go do some shopping, so i told Char I would be back as soon as I could. I got ready and was waiting for my nan, and went on facebook quickly while she was finishing getting ready. Now Char texted me saying whiy was I on facebook, knowing she was feeling down and wanted to talk etc... I've received 2 more texts about how she thinks I dont care, and stuff... blah blah blah... and one text saying she still loves me! I then get home, and she wont talk about it now. This is the kind of "childishness" that i was talking about in previous posts, and I really dont need the hassle at the moment! I have way too much on my plate as it is!

I dunno what to do anymore, as much as I love her, this self-harming, and acting like a kid isnt the sort of relationship I want. Maybe its because of the age gap, maybe its because Im ill, and dont have the enegry I used to have, maybe its because she is only 17 and is actually still a kid, maybe its partly a mixure of all the above :s Im 26 now, and ill, and really cant be bothered with the stress of it all! Yeah, I love her to bits, and she means the world to me, but I dont know what to do anymore. I give up, Im just gonna let things run their course, and see where it goes. If we are meant to be together, then everything will work out, and if it doesnt? well, maybe being single for a while will be better for me? I really dont know what to do, and my depression is getting worse and worse, with all this ontop of "that time of year", Im gonna let things roll and see which direction it takes me in!

As with my stomach problems, Ive finally got an appointment at the hospital for a sigmoidoscopy. Whatever one of them is... At least its finally going somewhere! thats on the 18th September. I hope they find something, I'd rather know that I have some life threatening condition, then spend another year worrying whats wrong with me and not being able to do anything about it! Its about time the NHS, DWP, Hospital, and my doctors pulled their collective heads out of their arses!

Theres not much else to add, so heres the end of this long and overdue post! Peace to all! xXx

My 26th Birthday!

So im 26 today, wow... how great... well, not really! Im finding it hard to explain how i feel today. Im happy, cos its my birthday, i have great friends, and I have Char in my life, but i feel really down and apathetic at the moment, and im trying to work out why :s Yeah, ok, some of it is my depression kicking in, and with being off work ill (yes, its been almost 11 months now) its starting to get ot me, and im seriously thinking about taking up my doctors offer on seeking professional help :s

I just dont know what to do with myself these days :( I mean, yes I have ways of coping with it all, the stress, the depression etc. I have Char, which helps alot, and i have my outlets like WoW and my poems, but thats not even helping these days. Im seriously considering ditching everything and disappearing for a while, but being sick, its just not gonna happen :( I cant afford my cigarettes, let alone my bills, so theres no chance of getting away for a bit :( Its not like I can afford to up and move or anything like i did last time i was this bad :( God I miss brum! I actually, if im honest with myself, worse then when i was when i moved to Birmingham, and as much as I wanna speak to someone about all this, I cant. I dont want to admit to someone, physically, that im this bad. I wanna hide it, and pretend theres nothing wrong with me, and act like im kinda sane!

Bleh, I dont know whats going on any more! My life is just a mess! Im gonna go bed and see how i feel tomorrow! I may just disappear for a few days or something when i get paid next weekend! Got an interview for my incapacity benefit tomorrow at the job centre, so will have to try and act like i havent totally lost it! hehe, fun times!

Good night world!

randomly random

well, Download was great this year, despite the stupid tent, which took 2 1/2 hours to put up with 3 of us, besides the fact that I didnt have the space to actually put it up properly. The rain on wednesday night and sunday didnt help matters either, but overall, was a good time! I think what topped it all off was having Demi there and having the majority of the group camping together!

Got my Download Hoodie, which i think is slightly better then last years, and got Char a download necklace for our 3 month anniversary. Her birthday is on Tuesday and we are all going bowling then on to frankie & Benny's for dinner! Should be fun!

Oh, and I finally got some money for my incapactiy benefit! So bills are paid etc, and brought myself the new splintercell game! Its really good! hehe Now my money is sorted, and everything is A-OK i can finally sort my life out. Despite being ill, and constantly in pain, im not doing too bad! Theres not really much else to talk about... so i will leave it at that and go get ready to met Char and the gang!

Peace x

Preconceived thoughts?

So, I know its been like 2 months, but ive umm... no, ok, Ive got no excuse! who cares? Anyway! Off to download again in 2 days! cant wait! this year is really gonna be good! Thje only down side is that me being sick, i have no money, what so ever, and yeah, I dont know how im gonna cope, but i will manage!

As with being ill, had a vertual colonoscopy which was inconclusive, so then, a month later had a full one, for which the docs turned round and didnt do due to some complication with the pre preps they gave me not working properly so another one is planned for some point in the future :S Work have also stopped my sick pay and trying to sort out incapacity benefit, or whatever its now called, but work lost my sick notes which i need to send off, so had to get copies of all them :S Anyway, its been posted now! so all good!

As for the title of this post... I umm... I really dont know... Me and charlotte have been going out 3 months this saturday, and yeah, its great, and yeah i love her to bits, but i sometimes think, what would it be like to date someone a bit older? a bit closer to my age? and i know its stupid thinking all this, and im just working myself up for no reason, and despite what she says, it proberly wont last forever, it never does. Her mom absolutly hates me, yet hasnt even met me, my nan hates her, and ok, my nan is old fashioned, and we were a bit loud one time having sex, which i can see her point, and Char does act immature sometimes, or rather, she acts her age, and not the age of someone i should be going out with. Maybe i should worry about her acting like a kid, because she still is a kid? I dunno... I keep seeing things that remind me of my past, of ex girlfriends, and wonder how it would of been if this or that didnt happen and was still with them? Especially when it comes to laura. I mean, what if she didnt miscarry? What if, right now, me and laura had our own place and a 2 year old kid? Im not gonna lie and say im glad where i am, cos sometimes i do wish i was there instead, but i wouldnt change anything. Things happen for a reason, and im not about to question those reasons even if i dont know the reason behind them.

Anyway, Im babbling on here, and i really should try to finish packing for download! Have the guys staying over tomorrow night and then david is driving us all up wednesday morning :p Really will be epic! plus im hopefully meeting up with kitty! which will be cool! hehehehe!

Peace out xxx
And todays tunage is...... Coheed & Cambria - This Shattered Symphony

techno babble green power stuff!

A few points to make, after talking with some friends! Basically around the facts of humans havent evolved in the past 2500 years or so, and this planet is dying. Lets start with the latter point first.

Our forefathers runied this planet, starting with the industrial age, and the ongoing consumption of this planets natural resources like oil etc. Ok, I understand back in the industrial ages they didnt understand the total destruction and harm they were causing the planet, but these days? Everyone knows how much damage we are doing, so why continue doing it? especially when there are economical ways to prevent any more harm from happening. Solar panels, wind turbines, water turbines, geothermal... the list goes on, but you get my point. What im trying to say is this. People just dont care and are too lazy to do anything. When they first found out about the harm it was all causing the general view of it was, we are going to die before anything needs to be done, so let our children, or our children's children deal with it. The problem is, that time has come, and people still think like that. Ok, so the government is trying to do stuff like recycling etc, yet they all still drive around in their big gas guzzling land rovers and bentleys etc. I dont see anyone putting wind turbines up, or solar farms in the desert. Theres no one out there using oil substitutes, or cutting down on the packaging etc. anyway... i think its time the government pulled out some funds, all took a big pay cut and sorted it out!

Now for the more interesting subject of the human evolution. Humans havent evolved much over the last 3500 years, and its about time we started to if we are going to outlive the problems being thrown at us by this planet and mankinds inability to help our only planet. OK, so i know we aren't going to grow an extra limb or anything as drastic as that, but who's to say we can't evolve into something by our own means instead of through genetics. What im talking about is cybernetics. Its one of my favourite subjects. People already supliment missing limbs with prosthetic limbs so why isnt technology being involved? The technology is already out there, and with some careful research, I dont see why someone who's lost an eye should stay like that. Again its down to money and the willingness to try it, but why cant a cyber optic device, made to look like an eye, be implimented and hard wired into the brain, to not only give a person their sight back, but to also drastically improve it. A scientist at Reading university replaed a lost hand with a totally cybernetic hand, and it works so why isnt it being implimented in other places? Yes alot of trials need to be done, but i can picture us in the next 20 years or so with hard drives in our brain, bringing the gift of total recall of any image or memory we like, and then, this brings in on the fly internet access, with it being shown as a heads up display through our cybernet eye implants, and mobiles built in, with vocal pick ups on our throats and being able to store txt's and phone numbers on the hard drives in our head. Of course, this is mostly hyperthetical, and it all imposes a risk, once implemented of human hacking, and a whole new version of crime. Could I hack into your e-brain and download that video of you having sex with the neighbour while your wife is at work?

Anyway... thats enough of me today! Think about it!

Peace x

Wowzers

On Monday it will be mine and Char's One Month Anniversary! Times just flown by, and im so damn happy being with her! It's like this was meant to happen, and we're gonna be together for the rest of our lifes. I know, I said a long time ago, that I'd never say that, and put my trust into another girlfriend again, but it's just different! Everything is perfect, no fights, no arguements, it's just amazing! yeah, we have our differences but we work it out, and without them, it would just get boring. I've finally met the rest of her friends, well, the ones I didnt know, and we all get along really well. It's about time someone like Char came into my life, and made me happy!

In other news, my stomach is FUCKING KILLING ME! Spent today and the last 2 days in so much damn pain! The pills do fuck all, my sleeping pattern is totally fucked, the docs still dont know what the hell is wrong with me, and I just cant take it any more! [/rant] Sorry bout that... Yeah, at least im finally seeing the specialist about it, not that he gave me any clear answers but I do have a virtual colonoscopy booked for the 20th, so I will hopefully get some answers from that! I will also be having the MRI at some point after that if it doesn't provide any clear answers.

In other news..... there really isnt any other news :s I havent been out much, my social life has crashed and burnt, the only friend that visits me is Char, although Megan does come round on occassion, but shes in South Africa atm. ummm.... yup... that it folks!

Peace x

And todays tunage is...... My guardian angel - Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

reminiscing

Been going over old bebo posts, from like 2 years ago, and it was nice, in some ways, to see what I was like back then... ok, there were some bad memories as well, the "I love you" comments from Georgie for instance. But also when me and Charlotte first started speaking, the flirting with Faith and Matilda etc, the random comments and how my friends were actually friends etc and how I used to go out and have fun! Also looking at old photo's and noticing how much everyone, including myself, has changed over the years. I miss the old school Saturday lot, back from the HMV / Christ Church days, back in summer 2007. The way I could go out without Wig getting all moody etc. These days I cant even go down stairs without her moaning about something. life was a lot easier back then. Whats changed in the last 2 years to make things this way? It looks like this year we will actually have a summer, so Christ Church will be good! Anyway...

My and Charlotte have gotten together, its not official yet, but soon! i know i pissed her off last year, after using the excuse of the age gap, then getting with Lauren, who's the same age. But this time, I've accepted that I was scared, of the feelings I had, of how strong they were, and that they are the reason I pushed her away last year. Feeling that strongly for a person, after dodging relationships for the past few years, it scared me, and I didn't know what to do. Well I've accepted that now, and this will hopefully last a long time! The only problem we fae now is telling her parents, Wig, and our friends. My friends wont mind, and I don't care if they do. The reactions of her friends... well.... Seeming as her best friend, Heather, is Georgie's sister. I'm not sure what her reaction will be. Anyway, we are both really really happy, and nothing will split us apart, short of the world ending!

In other news, I have finally seen a specialist, and will know when my tests are, and have them done within 4 weeks. The colonoscopy is a no-go, and they are opting for a barium instead. Which is slightly better, Ive already had a barium on my small bowels, so I will know what to expect. After that, if there are no results, I will then be having the MRI. At least we are finally getting somewhere. After 7 months of this it is really starting to affect me mentally. With the lack of work, the pain, the cut in pay, and the lack of things to do, or the ability to do anything. I cant even have a pint at the pub on a Friday with the gang :(

I have also got my gaming mouse. I've got the new version 5 Saitek Cyborg. Really good, and have the extra buttons all mapped out for WoW. Next buy will be the Saitek Cyborg gaming keyboard. Just to add to the wow factor of playing WoW lol... Oh... also have a network cable switch, so I don't have to change plugs etc. With a router that only have 4 ports and 7 things that need to be plugged into the network, its a good investment. also brought a Motherboard diagnostic card. I plug it into a spare PCI slot, USB, or Printer port, and it tells me the error codes for the motherboard, that I can then look up! Will be great trying to work out whats wrong with all these PC's that I have been fixing recently.

Dont think there's much else going on at the moment. more later,

Peace

And todays tunage is...... BoysLikeGirls Ft. Taylor Swift - Two is better than one

DRAMA!

Ok, so after the whole breaking up with Hayley, and getting back with Lauren... her saying she never wanted to leave me ever again... that was bollocks! Few days before Valentines Day, after i had spent £50 on her, she dumps me saying things arnt the same. Of course their not the same, she has a job, im ill, shes in a new house, she has new friends... Everything changes, you have to get used to that. Anyway, I was planning on getting back with Elly, we had some fun online, if you know what i mean... Planned on meeting in town last Saturday then we were gonna go back to mine. I was gonna ask her back out, and everything was going to be back to normal. I really do, and still... love her with all my heart. Yes, i moved on and had other girlfriends when we broke up last time, but nothing compares to her. She was like my soul partner. Anyway, got to town, and she was there, went to say hello and hugged, I then went to say hello to the others, I turn back to go see elly, and guess who shows up? Her ex, Trendell. Next thing I know, they are kissing and walking off together... Totally destroyed me. I sat around for a minute, to calm myself and went straight home. Ended up crying myself to sleep that night.

In other news, Demi got with Jam Jam, which is confusing, cos shes used the same excuse on me as she has on him in the past, which is "i see you more as a brother". So why? ut it looks like shes single again :s hmm... maybe I will have a chance? Seeing her tomorrow as its her 20th Birthday and a group of us are going to the Gloc. And it should be fun, I need cheering up anyway. Going to try and see Lauren tomorrow to get back my xbox controller and my injection, then i need to go to Hayley's to pick up my things and return hers.

All in all, i feel like shit, but im coping. I just dont like being single :s That may change, but i doubt it at the moment. At least I have my download ticket! hehe... And I get paid tomorrow!!!

Peace x

maybe its time to change!

Right, first things first, I'm now single. I had enough of all the arguments, and it was getting me down, which didn't help with the depression anyway. I basically stopped feeling the way I did with Hayley. I cant really find the words to express what i truly feel about it all.

What I really need to do is to disappear, Birmingham anyone? A few years ago, my life was so much easier. I been reading some old stuff, and blog posts and stuff, looking at photo's etc. And they reminded me of what I really miss. Like a poem Ali wrote about me, and a photo of me in Birmingham with the girls, the good times i spent with Laura, and even before then, with Alison...

Well, things will be changing, Im back with Lauren, and she makes me feel so much better. Its ot official, at least, to the public, just yet. Want to leave some time to cool down from Hayley, cos i know what it would look like. But Lauren was the closest thing to sanity I have had in a while. Yeah, there are a few problems, but they can be sorted, and if it was perfect, it would probably annoy me. Like, shes so scared that i will turn out like her other, abusive boyfriends, and she should know me better then that. I couldn't harm her even if i wanted to! Then there's the obsessive texting, but i will work on that! hehe! see, most people would think the age is a problem, but i don't. I don't care, she is over 16, and we are both really happy together! so screw the world!

In other news, I'm meant to be scanning nans old photo's in, but they have disappeared :S cant find them anywhere... I have also sorted out WotLK, and will be getting a new one soon. As for hayley's necklace, i still haven't received it yet, and will ring them tomorrow!

Well.. my life is gonna be getting better now! i hope... lets just see how it all goes!

And todays tunage is...... Sick Puppies - Maybe

2010 already sucks!

well, its 2010 and the year already sucks. I'll start with Christmas...

It actually wasnt that bad this year, I got a printer from Wig and Wayne, saying that, its a big, expensive professional printer, and from my mom I got £30. Hayley gave me a red glass dragon, and a necklace, which i love, and a few smaller things. I brought her a really nice expensive necklace, it's black, made from pewter with red Swarkovski diamonds on it. Called a "passion necklace", but the thing is, it was posted on the 23rd, and was meant to arrive the next day, and I still havent recieved it! I also fucked up on Waynes present, brought him some RAM for his PC, as he's been complaining about speed, but they sent RAM for a laptop instead. So i have to send that back, and its costing a small fortune. £30 for ram, £5 for postage, £10 to return it, and £35 for new ram. I will get a refund for the £30 i spent, after it gets returned but they were meant to send a courior to pick it up on the 28th, and they still havent come.

I have also brought 3 books, only 1 of which has arrived, still waiting on my calendar to arrive as well. But on the good side, i have a new mobile phone. Got a Samsung Tocco Ultra, on contract, really cheap, that only arrived 2 days late. Also recieved a check for some mobiles i sent away, so will have to put that in the bank tomorrow.

I have also brought the Wrath of the Lich King expansion for WoW. Thing is, i brought the £50 collectors edition, which cam with a dvd, soundtrack, playing cards, add-on pet, mouse mat, and art book. The problem is, that the game didn't come with the activation code i need. So waiting to hear about that as well. It really sucks, and i want to play it!

Now for the more recent news. Me and Hayley had another arguement, or rather, she's upset with me over something i never said. Shes got it in her head that i said shes not serious about our relationship. Which i didnt. i phoned her earlier to talk about it, and she was at Jen's, and started talking to Jen, wasting my phone bill, and then shouted at me cos i dazed while they had a convo at my expense... i then said that i couldnt hear her properly when shes having two convo's at the same time, and she hung up on me. The next thing i know, is she rings my house phone, speaks to my nan saying i yelled at her and for her to tell me to ring her when i stop yelling. :s I didnt yell at her!

I dont understand her sometimes, and all this on top of her, staving herself, cos she wants to be a size 8. I dont mind if she wants to loose weight, even if i dont wanna see her go down to a size 8, but staving yourself isnt the right way to do it. There's better, safer ways to diet. Instead of not eating for 5 whole days.

And on top of all this, I have Lauren trying to get back with me, or rather, shes stopped trying, and said she will wait for me, no matter how long it takes. And ok, i do miss lauren, but i also have feelings for Hayley, and this just adds to all the confusion in my life that i just dont need at the moment.

to top it all off, I saw the Doc on christmas eve, and am now on different meds, including anti-depressants, that are meant to make my brain think theres no pain, and to help me sleep, but they dont work, and the "pins and needles" keep getting worse. I had them for over 24 hours the other day! literally, only got 3 hours sleep cos they were that bad! Not that it is pins and needles, its like without the pins... a sharp stabbing jolt of pain, constantly, something like having hypothermia, and running your hands under cold water. That type of cold burning feeling.

To hell with it all, my life totally sucks at the moment! I just wanna curl up and die!

And todays tunage is...... Live - I walk the line