Drained

Well... Yesterday was apparently national boyfriend day, but more importantly, mine and Sarah's 2 month anniversary... Not that you could tell with the way things are going. I think she's finally seen just how bad my pain can get. There's been two times where I've been in so much pain, I've ended up sleeping for a couple days with no contact etc, and its caused the odd argument, but we always made up and things continued as normal. For the most part, it's all good.

It's a problem when I'm ill and end up sleeping all day etc, it then plays on her anxiety and she starts questioning everything, and it all just piles on top of each other and arguments happen, but we work through it and things go back to normal. That is, until last Friday.

We were chatting, and everything was fine, the parents had been on holiday and got back last Thursday so Sarah spent Friday with her mum. My pain wasn't so bad, and I was expecting the usual "can we stay over" as since we've been together Sarah and the kids have spent every weekend at mine. I think there's only been one weekend where I was really bad and she didn't stay in the last two months. But the question never came, and I didn't push it. I thought maybe she was tired from spending the day with her mum, and she has housework to catch up on. Then it was Saturday, no messages, no nothing... Although I was bed-ridden Saturday and spent most of it asleep, I did wake up a few times and checked my phone. I wasn't sure what was up, and by Sunday I still hadn't heard from her. I left it, obviously, being the guy, I had done something wrong, and I didn't want to push it, and it always seems to be me who does the running back, apologizing for an illness that I can't control, and the effects said illness has on me.

Anyway, Monday morning I messaged her, asking if she's OK, because she's been quiet all weekend. I get a reply basically saying so what, and that she never knows if I'm asleep or awake... Queue another argument. This one wasn't so bad, basically me explaining myself yet again, I messaged her again yesterday morning, that basically went hey, hi, you OK? not really, sad face I miss you.... and I really do miss her, and the kids... but she never replied, and I'm not  about to chase after her every time. That was 2pm yesterday. Still not heard a word from her, and this whole weekend, and the constant arguments when I'm ill, me pushing myself once I'm a bit better to keep her happy, etc etc is really draining me emotionally. My depression and anxiety can't handle much more of this.

Every time it is down to me, to fix the problems etc, and once I feel even a tiny bit better, I push myself, to sort things out, and that just makes me worse as I'm not totally rested etc. The strain all this is taking on me, both physically and emotionally, is going to end me. I love her so damn much, and wish I could fix it all so we could have a semi-normal relationship, but that's not going to happen, and Sarah needs to realize I can't change any of this. I just don't know what to do any more.

Anyway... popped to the butcher this morning... brought myself 26oz of prime rump steak to treat myself and try to cheer myself up! With some home-made chilli garlic fries and garlic mushrooms.... Om nom nom!

Peace x

Relationships

A post less than a month since my last one? What madness is this? But hold on, I actually have news, good news!

So after my birthday I had a Doctors appointment, then Sarah paid for me to go up to Birmingham to visit her and the girls. So I went up there Friday and stayed until Wednesday as I was due back at the Doctors on Thursday (they wanted blood). Had such a good time, was nice to see Sarah and the girls settled in their own place, and it was amazing being back in Birmingham! Even if my Pokemon hunt was unsuccessful with the services being down that weekend. Anyway, I headed home Wednesday, with my Doctors appointment Thursday morning, and Sarah having another friend, also called Sarah, coming to visit that day for a week.

That Wednesday evening, Sarah (the friend of Birmingham Sarah), added me as a friend, with us both being friends of Sarah, and both being from Oxford, the original Sarah thought it would be nice if we got to know each other. She cares about me, and is worried I will never see anyone now she's moved to Birmingham, and she knows I never go out. Anyway... we start chatting etc... a week passes and she leaves Birmingham to visit family in Lincoln for a week. We continue chatting... A lot... About everything and anything. This is unusual for me, we all know how shy I am in the real world, especially with people I've never met before! But I was different with her, confident, open, etc. I can't explain it.

Her week in Lincoln got cut short and came home Monday. I went to visit her the Tuesday, another thing I would never usually do, and it went really well. She then visited me Wednesday, and we kissed... She then visited Thursday, and stayed the night, and adult things happened that I refuse to go into depth with....

Besides Saturday, where I spent the day with Lottie, Hannah and Frazer, we haven't spent a day apart. I stayed at hers Saturday night, and everything is really nice. Despite wanting to take things slow, we are in a relationship, and people now know, and everything is good.

Sarah has 2 kids, Harmony is 12, and a spitting image of her mum, at least in looks. Although I think she's been pushed into growing up a bit too quickly, and although she tries to accept it, she's still trying to hold onto her childhood. Time will tell how that goes, but she likes me and we get along really well, so no problems on that front. There's also the 2 year old Kameron. He's adorable, and reminds me of me (pre being ill). He's such an adrenaline junkie, climbing everything, jumping off things, bouncing around etc. It's mostly funny, but can be a strain at times, especially when I'm not feeling too good. Both are from different dads, but neither are around, and Sarah does a good job of looking after them. Hopefully I can be around long enough to have a positive role on their lives.

Sarah hasn't really seen the bad side of me yet... the mood swings, the depression, the pain etc. I was in a bit of pain Saturday morning and she saw what that was like, but it was no where near my worst. I'm just hoping she can put up with me. As for her, I haven't smiled this much in years. Her, and even the kids, make me really happy. Could really do with a babysitter though, some alone time would be nice. The only family she has left in Oxford is her mum and step-dad, but they are both too ill to look after the kids for any long period of time. She also doesn't have that many friends. She doesn't do drugs, or smoke... except around me... She quit for 6 months and rarely smokes now, but with me around she's started again.

As for other things, she can't cook, or so she says. Only meal she's made me was a salad, which was OK, but with me around, she doesn't need to cook anyway lol She's also pretty tidy, which is good! She's shorter than me, with red hair... can't complain! Not the best looking, but I've had a LOT worse, and she's still really pretty so its all good. She's also a year younger than me, so still younger, but no more big age gaps. The sex is also amazing, even if its a bit vanilla at the moment. We've spoken about it, and she's willing to try stuff, but that will have to wait until we are kid free. Lets hope this is the last relationship for a while, and it all works out! I need this after 5 years of being single.

In other news, not much happening. Had my left eye laser surgery, and next Saturday I am back up the hospital for the tests on my feet with neurology. Also on my final paper for uni which is due in September. All the other assignments have been finished and marked, all the tests done and finished. Pokemon Go is going well, caught 58 and seen 60 so far. May have to go out soon on another hunt. Anyway... That's it for now :)

Peace x

Reached level 32

Being ill is never fun, even less so on your birthday, and for my case, the last 6 birthdays I've had. End of next month will be 7 years of being ill, of not being able to do so many things, of my life being put on hold, and everything just getting worse and worse.

I try to cope, I honestly do. I finally went back to uni, which all-in-all is going rather well, despite how easy it is and the background arguments over educational etiquette and the like. I've tried going out as well, but that never ends well. There have been a few times where I have enjoyed going out, with no panic attacks, and no sign of my anxiety, but by the time I get back home I realise how lonely I am, how few friends I really have, and I'm usually in a lot of pain at this point, so is going out any more worth it? For that point, is me even being around any more worth it?

As much as I'd like to just call it a day, and end it all, I don't have the willingness or effort to end my own life. For one thing, actually doing it right takes time and preparation, and I'm just not motivated in anything to do it. Secondly, I know it's just my depression talking. I know the difference between me and the demon that is my depression.

What really annoys me though is all these people who say things will get better. Just stop lying to me, and to yourselves. Yes, little problems do, and can get better. No money? a little stressed? Not had a day off? Yeah it will get better. Have a life-long problem with chronic pain? Neuropathy that stops you from walking? Diabetes, and a host of other medical problems? No, things will not simply "get better". And my depression and anxiety? They are directly influenced by my other medical conditions, so until those are fixed, which they wont, my depression and anxiety are here to stay.

I've been writing this blog now for 10 years. My very first post was 11th June 2006. With very few people actually reading it, I don't write all of this for people to read. It's a way to vent my thoughts as they build up, like a diary of sorts, although not as private. I don't mind people reading this, and in the past it's solved a lot of problems as I can rarely speak about what I feel, writing is just easier for me. Writing about my problems seems to alleviate some of the stress caused by those problems, even if it's only for the short-term. It's a coping mechanism for me. I really do need to write more, and I know I keep saying this, and I know I never follow through with it, but it does help.

Well, here's to another pain and depression filled birthday, another year just thrown away, to a life not worth living. Happy birthday to me.

Peace x

And today's tunage is...... I prevail - My heart I surrender

What is life?

I suppose I should be happy with the life I have, I mean, people have it worse off than me right? But what may only inconvenience one person, could kill another. Just because you think you know me, or that I write all my emo status updates on facebook etc, does not mean you know the full extent of what is actually wrong with me. I under play everything, make it seem not as bad as it really is, but in reality, things are a lot worse than even my closest of friends realise.

I'm on so many meds, at such a high dose, that the side effects are worse than what they are meant to be helping me with. My depression spirals from the breaking point of suicidal to a numb existential void of emotions. My anxiety has pushed all but a handful of friends away from me, and even those few that still try to be my friends aren't really there for me. Besides a trip to the shop across the road, or the random doctors or hospital appointment, I almost never leave my house, relying on facebook to try to keep a grasp on humanity and what is happening in the world and with friends. I keep seeing posts, of friends going out, enjoying themselves, having fun, and I wish so badly for an invite, but even if I could ignore my anxiety and go out with them, the neuropathy in my legs limits how far I can walk, and the chronic pain stops me from doing anything but the laziest of things. Not that any of those friends do invite me, because I've said no so many times in the past, they've just stopped asking now. As for the neuropathy in my legs, it's now spread to my hands, with a numbing sensation and even typing this post is a strain, and at half the speed and with twice as many typo's as I was only a year or two ago. 

The medical and mental problems just keep getting worse as the years go on. This August will be seven years since the chronic pain started and everything spiralled down hill. In three months I will be 32 years old, and I don't see myself getting any better. In five years I see myself wheelchair bound, and I don't see myself living another ten to fifteen years, and that's a reasonable estimate, not letting my depression or suicidal thoughts sway the estimates. The point is, if it is only going to get worse, is it worth continuing?

I know I have things to look forward to. I'm actually enjoying being back at university, even if I have problems with the way the assignments are written. But that's just first year stuff, making sure everyone is on par with everyone else, testing essay writing, note taking, and math skills etc. It will all change once we reach second year material. I'm also finally seeing a neurologist. My first appointment is 2nd June, after waiting almost a year to be referred to them, they may offer something to help with at least the neuropathic pain, not that I hold much hope in it.

As for less depressing news, there's someone I like, and she knows, not that the feeling is mutual, but she knows, which is a big step for me. The whole bottling up feelings, and waiting for the girl to make the first move doesn't work, and I know that, and I finally did something about it. Even if I didn't like the answer, at least I tried.

What else is there to say? life sucks, and it will continue to suck, and nothing I can do will change that... Bleh :/

...

These temporary moments of sanity, of clarity, or rather, a notch above my usually manic depressive state that I seem to be in as I drift by life are all... what? I'd say fun, but that would be making it seem better than it actually is. In these moments, I will laugh, and joke around with friends, join in with conversations, and from an outwards perspective I will seem like a normal person. If only people knew. Even to myself, for that tenth of a second, that glimmer of a normal life is so enticing, so overwhelming with a need for it, and yes I would like it, but I know deep down that will never happen.

People say they understand, that they care, but no one truly does. I've become so good at hiding it all, covering it up with a false charade and putting on a smile, that no one even notices the torment that's running through my mind. The worst part is, I prefer it this way. It stops the majority of people from questioning it, asking questions that I refuse to answer even to myself. Because once I start to think of answers to those questions, I know it will make me even worse and I will end up spiralling down like an atomic bomb counting down to the big bang that will eventually destroy me, and there will be no coming back from that.

I'm not sure where I'm going any more. Looking back, I had my life on track. A steady, well paid job, friends, a girlfriend, my life was all set out, and I knew what I wanted. Yeah, I still had depression back then, but it paled in comparison to what I go through today. August 2009 and the start of my stomach problems destroyed me, my life and everything I had. To make matters worse, even if they finally find out the precise cause of the problem and can fix it, the length of time I've been ill, mixed with all the medications I've been on have caused so many other problems and side effects that even if my stomach problems magically disappeared over night, I'm still too fucked up, ill, disabled, to return to what I had.

I do try to help myself, like going back to university, and inviting what few friends I have left round to see me etc. But none of that really helps, none of it will fix any of my problems, mentally or physically. I just float through life, too lazy to just end it all, but not strong enough to continue it either. It really shows you something when you're so depressed that even ending your own life wont fix your problems. There is no hope, there is no future, just me, going through the monotony of life.