I had to actually look at my blog to see when I last posted, it was that long ago! So many things have happened and changed :s Where to begin... My and Angie broke up ages ago, I dont really care, shes a bitch! I tried the whole being friends after, but she was still trying to control me etc so Im ignoring her! Basically it went like this... Adam polish was coming back to the UK, and everyone was going into town to say hello and meet up etc, and everything was fine at first but they all decided to go smoke weed somewhere, so I was left at Bonn Square with Jebus. It was starting to rain, no one else was around, and we bumped into Gizmo, Rhiannon and Charlie. We all decided to go for a coffee, I text Angie telling her what I was doing, and it was nice to catch up with the girls. Afterwards I went back to Bonn Square and Angie had gone home, not telling me anything. Me and some of the guys decided to go to the pub, at this point I rang Angie, after realizing I had a dozen missed calls from her. She basically had a massive go at me. Anyway, I stayed at the pub, and got home around 10pm ish... After logging into facebook and seeing her online, I asked her what was happening and wanted an explanation for what happened, why she went off etc and had a go at me... Anywy she dumped me over facebook, I wasnt happy about it but I knew something was up anyway. What I havent mentioned is a week before she dumped me, Adam asked Demi back out, Demi said no. The day after he asked Angie out, and asked her to dump me for him... Coincidence? I think not. 3 days after her dumping me shes dating him. At this point, I couldnt care less. later, me and Angie tried being friends, just talking etc, but everytime we talked, she kept going on about how she didnt dump me, and how her getting with Adam had nothing to do with him asking her out, and she kept going on about how she was still in love with me. Mind fuck or what? She then decided to invite herself to Panda's birthday party, by then her and adam had broken up, she wasnt invited as panda and dotti hate her, and she decided to sit right in front of me with adam and kept flirting with him, acting like they hadnt broken up. I deleted her from FB that night. We then come to Isis' halloween party, which she was invited to, and which she got adam to come to. Her and Adam had a "heart-to-heart" in which she tried to get back with him, he said no. A minute later she tried getting back with me, and I said no. Then 30 seconds later she tried getting with a drunk 15 year old... Desperate much? Anyway, enough of all that...
Demi and mutley didnt last long together, shes now back with Flatz. Not sure if this is a good or a bad thing yet. Flatz has calmed down on the drinking which is a good thing, but demi never seems to go out anymore. She's always had the problem with putting her boyfriends before her friends, which I dont agree on, but oh well.
I still havent heard anything about my cancelled operation. My painkillers have stopped working and I spend most of my time in alot of pain. Im at my diabetic appointment next thursday so Im gonna see if they can do anything about it. I dont think anything will happen though. Gonna make a doctors appointment in the next week or two and get my GP to try to sort things out.
Ummm... Other news... Dom Finn and Rhiannon are back together. Wayne went on holiday for 2 weeks, in which the majority of the house has been redecorated with help from Jonathan. Ive upgraded my PC majorly with the money I got that was owed from my job at Mices. Krissy has moved back to Scotland. I payed off alot of my bills, still majorly in debt though. Think Im gonna sue the NHS for deglect. As for my depression... no comment! Its really bad, I cant stand to go out and see people any more, its that bad! Anyway... thats it really, at least, thats what I can remember! lol
Peace x
Wednesday, 30 November 2011
Thursday, 25 August 2011
the last few months
Yes, last May was my last post, and alot has happened since then... So where to begin? Well, to start with the ongoing medical problems. My operation that was planned for 1st July got moved back to 16th August as the consultant went on holiday. I had my pre-op in June and they got back to me saying that they wont operate unless my Hba1c (thats my overall diabetic control) was below 10% and currently it was 13.3% despite the fact that this is the lowest its been in a long long time. I got with my diabetic nurse and got my results down to 8.8% which is very impressive for me. I've also been doing all my bllods and injections etc. Im happy and its still improving! The problem being I rang the hospital on 15th August to find out what time i needed to be at the hospital for my op to only be told that they cancelled back in June after my pre-op. All I was told was I need to sort out my diabetes so they could do the op, I wasnt told it was cancelled. Im really not happy about this and have spent the last week trying to schedule a new op, have left countless phone messages but no one seems to be getting back in touch with me. I also admitted to my GP's nurse that Im depressed, not that I will accept any help, but at least they kinda know now, even if they dont realise just how bad it actually is. As for the heart murmur that was found, It turns out my heart is in perfect working condition, especially considering my medical history, that Im diabetic and a smoker as well. Anyway, enough about my medical history.
My birthday last July went ok, not many people showed up but it was fun. A little trouble in the Gloc concerning me having a birthday cake, but I think alot of that resulted in Flatz not liking me. We then went to PT for Mutiny. PT have decided to put raspberries in their sex on the beach, and me being me, and a bar manager and knowing my cocktails, I know that a sex on the beach DOES NOT contail raspberries. Anyway, this resulted in a trip to A&E as Angie had an alergic reaction! Wasnt the best ending to a birthday, but Im not going to complain, after all its only a birthday and at my age, with my depression, I just dont care about them any more. After all this, my "group" got barred from the Gloc as they think one of us brought our own alcohol into the pub. Considering two of us dont drink, one is dating a barman, and the other 4 are regulars and I was the one who went to the bar to buy all the drinks, its rubbish and again I think this all stemmed from Flatz not liking me, or any of Demi's Friends.
More on the Demi side of things, her and Flatz have broken up which Im really happy about, and she is now going out with Mutley! Its about fucking time! It was about a year ago they first met and both liked each other back then! Anyway Im happy for them both! Oh and also Flatz has lost his job at the Gloc. I havent drunk in there since my birthday, but I may start going back there again now!
In other random news Finn is moving away :( Im not sure why, but he's going back home I think. Also Polish is moving back to the Uk and should be in Oxford now. We lose one foreigner to gain another! lol Panda is dating Dotti which was a shock to me, and Kayleigh is dating Craig, which was another big shock. Especially seeing as Craig is now a dad and was engaged to Georgie. Not sure if he's even seeing his daughter.
Things with Angie are going well. We've had one or two arguements, but every relationship has arguements. Its been over three months now, and as much as I love her, Im not sure if it will last. Im getting to the point where Im feeling a bit fed up with it all, and dont get me wrong, I do really love her, but shes overly clingy and possesive. I also dont think she trusts me. One of her friends left a post saying she was feeling down, so I did my usual *huggles* as I do as a friend and she had a go at me, because her friend has some sort of crush on me. She says she trusts me, but doesnt trust her friend. If she really trusts me then it shouldnt bother her. Yeah her friend has a crush on me, but if she trusts me, she should know I wouldnt let anything happen. She also had a go at me today about how I didnt tell her that I was going to the Gloc tomorrow. I didnt say I was going to the Gloc tomorrow. I said if i was well enough, and could get some cash, then I may go for a bit. Not to mention that she was going to the Gloc anyway to see Polish. Bleh. Thats the other thing thats starting to annoy me. Shes really jealous of my friends, especially my female friends who just so happen to also be ex's. Like Megan etc. Yes shes an ex, but shes also my best friend, and Im not going to stop seeing megan just because Angie is jealous. Shes an ex, and it was a long time ago. Nothing will ever happen between us again. Angie expects me to stop flirting with everyone and to stop seeing certain people because I used to fancy them or date them etc, but she tells me that Polish asked her to dump me and go out with him recently, shes best friends with one of her ex's Adam, and there are other people who constantly flirt with her, and shes fine with all that. She cant expect me to stop doing something then be ok for her to do the exact thing she wants me to stop doing. Its all just getting a bit too much for me, and like Ive said, I do love her, but Im not sure if its going to last, and to be honest, Im not sure if i want it to. I wont even mention how annoying her sister is, or that her sister, whos older than angie, is a manipulating, controlling cow to angie and she cant even see it.
Im just ranting now, so Im gonna go and not play wow as my PC is being gay and crashes every time I play cos of some graphics card driver error that I cant fix :(
Yeah... this is all great for my depression, but its gotten that bad that I just dont really care any more! I need a break, to escape from everything and everyone, but being ill with no money, I cant fucking do that can I!
Peace
And todays tunage is...... Christina Perri - Arms
My birthday last July went ok, not many people showed up but it was fun. A little trouble in the Gloc concerning me having a birthday cake, but I think alot of that resulted in Flatz not liking me. We then went to PT for Mutiny. PT have decided to put raspberries in their sex on the beach, and me being me, and a bar manager and knowing my cocktails, I know that a sex on the beach DOES NOT contail raspberries. Anyway, this resulted in a trip to A&E as Angie had an alergic reaction! Wasnt the best ending to a birthday, but Im not going to complain, after all its only a birthday and at my age, with my depression, I just dont care about them any more. After all this, my "group" got barred from the Gloc as they think one of us brought our own alcohol into the pub. Considering two of us dont drink, one is dating a barman, and the other 4 are regulars and I was the one who went to the bar to buy all the drinks, its rubbish and again I think this all stemmed from Flatz not liking me, or any of Demi's Friends.
More on the Demi side of things, her and Flatz have broken up which Im really happy about, and she is now going out with Mutley! Its about fucking time! It was about a year ago they first met and both liked each other back then! Anyway Im happy for them both! Oh and also Flatz has lost his job at the Gloc. I havent drunk in there since my birthday, but I may start going back there again now!
In other random news Finn is moving away :( Im not sure why, but he's going back home I think. Also Polish is moving back to the Uk and should be in Oxford now. We lose one foreigner to gain another! lol Panda is dating Dotti which was a shock to me, and Kayleigh is dating Craig, which was another big shock. Especially seeing as Craig is now a dad and was engaged to Georgie. Not sure if he's even seeing his daughter.
Things with Angie are going well. We've had one or two arguements, but every relationship has arguements. Its been over three months now, and as much as I love her, Im not sure if it will last. Im getting to the point where Im feeling a bit fed up with it all, and dont get me wrong, I do really love her, but shes overly clingy and possesive. I also dont think she trusts me. One of her friends left a post saying she was feeling down, so I did my usual *huggles* as I do as a friend and she had a go at me, because her friend has some sort of crush on me. She says she trusts me, but doesnt trust her friend. If she really trusts me then it shouldnt bother her. Yeah her friend has a crush on me, but if she trusts me, she should know I wouldnt let anything happen. She also had a go at me today about how I didnt tell her that I was going to the Gloc tomorrow. I didnt say I was going to the Gloc tomorrow. I said if i was well enough, and could get some cash, then I may go for a bit. Not to mention that she was going to the Gloc anyway to see Polish. Bleh. Thats the other thing thats starting to annoy me. Shes really jealous of my friends, especially my female friends who just so happen to also be ex's. Like Megan etc. Yes shes an ex, but shes also my best friend, and Im not going to stop seeing megan just because Angie is jealous. Shes an ex, and it was a long time ago. Nothing will ever happen between us again. Angie expects me to stop flirting with everyone and to stop seeing certain people because I used to fancy them or date them etc, but she tells me that Polish asked her to dump me and go out with him recently, shes best friends with one of her ex's Adam, and there are other people who constantly flirt with her, and shes fine with all that. She cant expect me to stop doing something then be ok for her to do the exact thing she wants me to stop doing. Its all just getting a bit too much for me, and like Ive said, I do love her, but Im not sure if its going to last, and to be honest, Im not sure if i want it to. I wont even mention how annoying her sister is, or that her sister, whos older than angie, is a manipulating, controlling cow to angie and she cant even see it.
Im just ranting now, so Im gonna go and not play wow as my PC is being gay and crashes every time I play cos of some graphics card driver error that I cant fix :(
Yeah... this is all great for my depression, but its gotten that bad that I just dont really care any more! I need a break, to escape from everything and everyone, but being ill with no money, I cant fucking do that can I!
Peace
And todays tunage is...... Christina Perri - Arms
Saturday, 21 May 2011
And her name is Angie
So, I know lifes been shit recently, but that all changed last friday! Spent friday night at Gemma's and as per usual I couldnt sleep, so was on facebook on Gemma's laptop and started speaking to this girl Angie... We got on really well, and spent ages chatting! On saturday leah got picked up by her grandparents, then me, Gemma and Mikey all went to Portsmouth for the day! It was really nice to spend some time with them and to get away from all the shit in oxford! Even if it was only for the day!
Anyway... It comes time for us to start heading home, and of all places for this to happen... the battery in the car is totally dead! with no spare battery, no jump leads, or charger... there we are, stuck in portsmouth! It took us 2-3 hours for Mikey to walk around finding somewhere that was open, gone 6pm on a saturday, that sold jump leads, and to get someone to jumpstart us!Anyway, in the end we were off... Heading back to oxford after a great day! Just outside oxford what happens? Yeah, we break down again, and on the bypass this time! Luckily we were just outside oxford and Gemma got one of her friends to come and jumpstart us again! Gemma and Mikey were meant to be back in oxford, washed, changed and stuff and at the Harvester for a meal with friends by 8pm... We didnt get back into oxford until half 8, but Gemma's friends followed us back to gemma's, we parked up and jumped in their car, and went straight to the Harvester! Got there an hour late, but it was a good meal! And all this when I was skint! Thanks to Gemma for buying me dinner in portsmouth, and at the Harvester! Anyway, I ended up staying at Gemma's again that night as we didnt get back til about 11pm, and got Wig to pick me up in the morning!
Things between me and Angie got closer, etc... all kinda out of the blue for me. Angie admitted that she liked me and I liked her as well, and as of last monday (16th) we have been in a relationship! Its been unbelievable! I know Ive said I didnt want another relationship anytime soon after everything with Char, but I dunno, things just clicked into place with Angie. Its like it was meant to be, and i know that i fall in love really easily, but I think this is going to last a very long time! I havent felt like this in a long time! She's 25, 5foot 2, brown eyes, brown hair, slim, and utterly amazing. She's got an 8year old son, Josh, but shes been having some problems with seeing him etc... wont go into details. She's also a Beaver LEader at the 10th Marston, and is part of the Alpha Bible study group. Yeah, ok religion just isnt me, but Im happy, and I wouldnt change her for the world! I know its only been 5 days, but they've been the best 5 days Ive had in a long long time!
I just hope this relationship lasts! I couldnt cope with another "crash and burn". But we are taking it slow, despite how fast we got into the relationship. She stayed round mine last night, and it was amazing! We havent had sex yet, and if it was anyone else it may have bothered me, but it doesnt! It seems weird saying it, especially given my track record! But things will happen when they happen and im not about to rush her into anything!
In other news, the "post tomorrow" that never happened... Well, my MRI results didnt show a damn thing! The anomily that they saw was just a boil that i knew was there. So there was me worrying about cancer and the likes for nothing! It still doesnt answer the question of whats wrong with me, but Im going in for surgery some time soon so they can poke around and see if they can find anything! If they dont, well theres not much else they can do! I will be refered to a pain management specialist.
Lets see... what else has gone on? Well nothing much really! I have finally been paid, after 7 weeks with no money! Got all my bills paid and got my mobile back so thats good! Also brought myself a gaming keyboard which will be awesome once its arrived! May end up having to reformat my HDD as I have a self replicating worm :( Its a pain in the ass! Spybot gets rid of it, but it keeps showing its ugly head, and blocks all my internet, and since then, my internet speeds have been stupidly slow!
Thats it from me for now! A big shout out to the most amazing girlfriend in the world!
Angela Jane Cooper... I love you! Forever and a day!
Peace xXx
Anyway... It comes time for us to start heading home, and of all places for this to happen... the battery in the car is totally dead! with no spare battery, no jump leads, or charger... there we are, stuck in portsmouth! It took us 2-3 hours for Mikey to walk around finding somewhere that was open, gone 6pm on a saturday, that sold jump leads, and to get someone to jumpstart us!Anyway, in the end we were off... Heading back to oxford after a great day! Just outside oxford what happens? Yeah, we break down again, and on the bypass this time! Luckily we were just outside oxford and Gemma got one of her friends to come and jumpstart us again! Gemma and Mikey were meant to be back in oxford, washed, changed and stuff and at the Harvester for a meal with friends by 8pm... We didnt get back into oxford until half 8, but Gemma's friends followed us back to gemma's, we parked up and jumped in their car, and went straight to the Harvester! Got there an hour late, but it was a good meal! And all this when I was skint! Thanks to Gemma for buying me dinner in portsmouth, and at the Harvester! Anyway, I ended up staying at Gemma's again that night as we didnt get back til about 11pm, and got Wig to pick me up in the morning!
Things between me and Angie got closer, etc... all kinda out of the blue for me. Angie admitted that she liked me and I liked her as well, and as of last monday (16th) we have been in a relationship! Its been unbelievable! I know Ive said I didnt want another relationship anytime soon after everything with Char, but I dunno, things just clicked into place with Angie. Its like it was meant to be, and i know that i fall in love really easily, but I think this is going to last a very long time! I havent felt like this in a long time! She's 25, 5foot 2, brown eyes, brown hair, slim, and utterly amazing. She's got an 8year old son, Josh, but shes been having some problems with seeing him etc... wont go into details. She's also a Beaver LEader at the 10th Marston, and is part of the Alpha Bible study group. Yeah, ok religion just isnt me, but Im happy, and I wouldnt change her for the world! I know its only been 5 days, but they've been the best 5 days Ive had in a long long time!
I just hope this relationship lasts! I couldnt cope with another "crash and burn". But we are taking it slow, despite how fast we got into the relationship. She stayed round mine last night, and it was amazing! We havent had sex yet, and if it was anyone else it may have bothered me, but it doesnt! It seems weird saying it, especially given my track record! But things will happen when they happen and im not about to rush her into anything!
In other news, the "post tomorrow" that never happened... Well, my MRI results didnt show a damn thing! The anomily that they saw was just a boil that i knew was there. So there was me worrying about cancer and the likes for nothing! It still doesnt answer the question of whats wrong with me, but Im going in for surgery some time soon so they can poke around and see if they can find anything! If they dont, well theres not much else they can do! I will be refered to a pain management specialist.
Lets see... what else has gone on? Well nothing much really! I have finally been paid, after 7 weeks with no money! Got all my bills paid and got my mobile back so thats good! Also brought myself a gaming keyboard which will be awesome once its arrived! May end up having to reformat my HDD as I have a self replicating worm :( Its a pain in the ass! Spybot gets rid of it, but it keeps showing its ugly head, and blocks all my internet, and since then, my internet speeds have been stupidly slow!
Thats it from me for now! A big shout out to the most amazing girlfriend in the world!
Angela Jane Cooper... I love you! Forever and a day!
Peace xXx
Tuesday, 10 May 2011
Sunday, 1 May 2011
yeah, I know!
So Ive fallen back into the routine of not posting, yet again! Hey, it happens! There isnt really much to write about, except my stomachs been really really bad for the last 6 weeks or so! So bad that Ive had to go to A&E not that they did much. I also havent been into work in that time, and the job centre have stopped paying me which sucks. The medical questionaire that they sent me and I returned last Febuary never got back, so they now think Im fit for work. Ive been arguing this and have sent them another questionaire but with all the bank holidays, Im not looking at hearing back from them until the end of next week, at the earliest.
Just to clear things up from my last post, I havent slept with Char again, and we are still on speaking terms. Its kinda weird and Im not sure about the whole being friends dynamics, and how its working. But thats the case with the majority of people I used to call friends these days. I never hear from Demi anymore, Elly just doesnt speak to me anymore, and all the other people I used to be in regular contact with just dont speak as much. Im not saying its them ignoring me, and Im as much to blame, but they know im ill, the least they could do is ckeck every now and again to see if im still alive!
Been wondering and thinking about alot of things recently, especially the mistakes Ive made in the past. I know this line of thought doesnt help my depression, but at the moment I dont really care! But what went so terribly wrong between me and laura? Its her birthday today, and yeah I posted a happy birthday message on her facebook, but she seems to avoid me every time shes in a relationship and then is all friendly when shes single. Im glad shes happy with Patrick, her current boyfriend, and even if she doesnt speak to me, I still think about her alot. As long as shes happy, then Im fine with it. Then theres what happened between me and elly, and Ali, and that whole Birmingham thing... Just a few days ago I found some old emails and was reading through them and I liss those times, and yes I made some big mistakes and messed it all up, but I keep wondering what would happen if I did things differently back then? Of course, the main thought going through my head recently is to do with Char and this whole mess of what was / could of been a great relationship :s Im not saying I would get back with her, but I wonder what would of happened if things went differently.
Nothing much has really happened apart from not having any money and the stupid thoughts running through my head and being really really ill. Ive installed Jolicloud onto my laptop as they've now gone mainstream. I was part of the beta testing way back when, and they've made some really nice improvements, so I think I might stick with them! Oh, and Ive also spent some time cataloging my movies and are now all listed online! lol Still quite a bit of work to do with it, but its something to do when im bored! Gonna go now and try not to think so much!
Peace x
And todays tunage is...... Trapt - Headstrong
Just to clear things up from my last post, I havent slept with Char again, and we are still on speaking terms. Its kinda weird and Im not sure about the whole being friends dynamics, and how its working. But thats the case with the majority of people I used to call friends these days. I never hear from Demi anymore, Elly just doesnt speak to me anymore, and all the other people I used to be in regular contact with just dont speak as much. Im not saying its them ignoring me, and Im as much to blame, but they know im ill, the least they could do is ckeck every now and again to see if im still alive!
Been wondering and thinking about alot of things recently, especially the mistakes Ive made in the past. I know this line of thought doesnt help my depression, but at the moment I dont really care! But what went so terribly wrong between me and laura? Its her birthday today, and yeah I posted a happy birthday message on her facebook, but she seems to avoid me every time shes in a relationship and then is all friendly when shes single. Im glad shes happy with Patrick, her current boyfriend, and even if she doesnt speak to me, I still think about her alot. As long as shes happy, then Im fine with it. Then theres what happened between me and elly, and Ali, and that whole Birmingham thing... Just a few days ago I found some old emails and was reading through them and I liss those times, and yes I made some big mistakes and messed it all up, but I keep wondering what would happen if I did things differently back then? Of course, the main thought going through my head recently is to do with Char and this whole mess of what was / could of been a great relationship :s Im not saying I would get back with her, but I wonder what would of happened if things went differently.
Nothing much has really happened apart from not having any money and the stupid thoughts running through my head and being really really ill. Ive installed Jolicloud onto my laptop as they've now gone mainstream. I was part of the beta testing way back when, and they've made some really nice improvements, so I think I might stick with them! Oh, and Ive also spent some time cataloging my movies and are now all listed online! lol Still quite a bit of work to do with it, but its something to do when im bored! Gonna go now and try not to think so much!
Peace x
And todays tunage is...... Trapt - Headstrong
Sunday, 27 March 2011
yeah....
So, I really cant be fucked with anything anymore! A few major things have happened since I last posted, so will write about that, instead of going on about how numb and depressed I actually am!
Char got back in touch with me recently, and at first, it was good to speak to her again. I never wanted it all to end like it did, and I wanted to be friends, after everything we went through. She was round a few days ago, and we ended up sleeping together. I know, it shouldnt of happened. Yes I still have alot of feelings for her, but after everything... well... yeah! I regretted it the next day, not that I told her, or told anyone else what happened. Yes I love her, but no, it wasnt going to work, and thats mostly my own fault. I need to sort myself out, both physically, and mentally.
Ive also been speaking to Lauren alot more, and she appologized about everything she did to me. Which was a shock, but with everything going on recently, I forgave her a long time ago and moved on. It was all in the past! As of five minutes ago, Char has decided to stop waiting for me to make my mind up on the whole do we / dont we get back together thing. Im not sure how I feel about that :s But I'm really depressed at the moment, so will have to wait and see how I feel about it, after its all settled down!
Went into town yesterday, and caught up with everyone! Was the first time Ive been into town, properly, on a saturday, since before christmas. It was kinda fun, and the whole feeling scared of going out wasnt as bad as I thought it would be. Also went to the Gloc after town, and saw Demi, Eve and Charlie. Was fun, but it kinda felt weird... Me and Demi have drifted apart alot over the last month or so, and its not the same. Im not sure if its to do with me and my depression, or her being with Flatz, and her usual boyfriend comes first routine. Its proberly a bit of both really.
On a positive note, I ran into Janie yesterday! Havent seen her in forever, and was amazing to see her! Also been speaking to Lois alot recently, and its nice to just talk! Taking her out in two weeks for a meal, and then to the pub. Shes been feeling a bit down, and it should cheer us both up! So Im looking forward to that! Got work tomorrow morning, and work is going quite well! Not much else to report on really...
Gonna go bed with a good book, so Night x
Char got back in touch with me recently, and at first, it was good to speak to her again. I never wanted it all to end like it did, and I wanted to be friends, after everything we went through. She was round a few days ago, and we ended up sleeping together. I know, it shouldnt of happened. Yes I still have alot of feelings for her, but after everything... well... yeah! I regretted it the next day, not that I told her, or told anyone else what happened. Yes I love her, but no, it wasnt going to work, and thats mostly my own fault. I need to sort myself out, both physically, and mentally.
Ive also been speaking to Lauren alot more, and she appologized about everything she did to me. Which was a shock, but with everything going on recently, I forgave her a long time ago and moved on. It was all in the past! As of five minutes ago, Char has decided to stop waiting for me to make my mind up on the whole do we / dont we get back together thing. Im not sure how I feel about that :s But I'm really depressed at the moment, so will have to wait and see how I feel about it, after its all settled down!
Went into town yesterday, and caught up with everyone! Was the first time Ive been into town, properly, on a saturday, since before christmas. It was kinda fun, and the whole feeling scared of going out wasnt as bad as I thought it would be. Also went to the Gloc after town, and saw Demi, Eve and Charlie. Was fun, but it kinda felt weird... Me and Demi have drifted apart alot over the last month or so, and its not the same. Im not sure if its to do with me and my depression, or her being with Flatz, and her usual boyfriend comes first routine. Its proberly a bit of both really.
On a positive note, I ran into Janie yesterday! Havent seen her in forever, and was amazing to see her! Also been speaking to Lois alot recently, and its nice to just talk! Taking her out in two weeks for a meal, and then to the pub. Shes been feeling a bit down, and it should cheer us both up! So Im looking forward to that! Got work tomorrow morning, and work is going quite well! Not much else to report on really...
Gonna go bed with a good book, so Night x
Thursday, 10 March 2011
randomness of depression
So yeah, I havent been good recently. Going through stages of being totally numb, to totally emo depressed to being ok-ish. So whats happened in the last 6 weeks since my last post? Well, me and megan make a giant 2 foot cake for Lucy's 19th Birthday, spent 2 days at Megan's which was good fun! Think thats the only time, bar Demi's 21st, that Ive been out this year, properly anyway. My depressions gotten to the stage whereby I cant even face going out and seeing my friends any more :s I also keep going through stages of "I miss Char" and such... I know, I broke up with her thinking that I'd get better, which hasn't happened, but at least Im not hurting her anymore, and despite what she says, she means too much to me to put her through all the stuff I was going through.
As of the 28th Feb I've been back at work. It's helped me a little bit, but Im only doing 2 or 3 hours monday and friday mornings. Will hopefully be doing more hours soon. Once I've retrained and what not. Its nice to get out of the house, and the money will help alot!
Think I'm gonna try and get out this weekend and see some people I havent seen in forever! Krissy has moved back to oxford, and met up with her last friday, was good to see her again, and had a great time! But I really wanna meet up with everyone else, and as much as I know its just my depression thats stopping me from going out, that fear is still pretty real. I know I shouldnt let it effect me, but it does :(
Theres not much else happening at the moment. I've got a million and one thoughts running through my head, but trying to put them together and voice them is something else completely.
As of the 28th Feb I've been back at work. It's helped me a little bit, but Im only doing 2 or 3 hours monday and friday mornings. Will hopefully be doing more hours soon. Once I've retrained and what not. Its nice to get out of the house, and the money will help alot!
Think I'm gonna try and get out this weekend and see some people I havent seen in forever! Krissy has moved back to oxford, and met up with her last friday, was good to see her again, and had a great time! But I really wanna meet up with everyone else, and as much as I know its just my depression thats stopping me from going out, that fear is still pretty real. I know I shouldnt let it effect me, but it does :(
Theres not much else happening at the moment. I've got a million and one thoughts running through my head, but trying to put them together and voice them is something else completely.
Sunday, 20 February 2011
Demi's 21st
So its Demi's 21st and Ive spent the best part of 6-7 hours in the Gloc helping her celebrate! you'd think I'd be happy... think again! Not only am I depressed anyway, but Char was there with Sam, then Elly turned up, and to top it all, Charlie. And Charlie is umm.. I'd say going out with, but its more like, sleeping around with, Churchy of all people. Now dont get me wrong... it was a good night, but having your ex, who doesn't want anything to do with you, an ex who your still madly in love with, and the girl you've fancied for god knows how long with her, for lack of a better word, boyfriend... It just tipped me over the edge on the depression scale! Now try explaining any of this to anyone, and trying to pretend your actually having a good time so as not to ruin it for demi... ontop of my already "worst depression since the miscarrage" state... it kinda sucks!
I really cant be fucked with any of it any more! Im fed up, want to end my life, and really dont give a fuck what anyone says! Fuck the promises I made, and fuck everyone who tries stopping me! I know, I proberly wont go through with it, but its how Im feeling at the moment! If I want to be all doom and gloom and morose about it all, then no ones gonna stop me!
On other news, been playing Rift... tis the next big competitor for WoW, and is actually really good! Not sure how much its gonna cost or anything yet, will have to wait and see, but the beta is going really well and i like the majority of it all! Oh, and Im back at work on the 28th Feb! so thats good news! Im hoping it will help with this stupid depression, but at the moment, I dont think that will even work!
Anyway... Im gonna curl up in bed with my book! Good night x
I really cant be fucked with any of it any more! Im fed up, want to end my life, and really dont give a fuck what anyone says! Fuck the promises I made, and fuck everyone who tries stopping me! I know, I proberly wont go through with it, but its how Im feeling at the moment! If I want to be all doom and gloom and morose about it all, then no ones gonna stop me!
On other news, been playing Rift... tis the next big competitor for WoW, and is actually really good! Not sure how much its gonna cost or anything yet, will have to wait and see, but the beta is going really well and i like the majority of it all! Oh, and Im back at work on the 28th Feb! so thats good news! Im hoping it will help with this stupid depression, but at the moment, I dont think that will even work!
Anyway... Im gonna curl up in bed with my book! Good night x
Saturday, 12 February 2011
a few months later...
so its been a while... and alot has happened, But Ive been serverly depressed and havent had the motivation to write any of it yet... so here goes!
Last november... fireworks and stuff... i was single... I still am, but i will get to that! The Linkin Park gig was totally awesome! Alot of their old stuff was played, and i saw LINKIN PARK!!!! my life long all time favourite band! Thing is, i wasnt in the mood for it! Yeah, at the time i was enjoying life, even with being single! But that afternoon, as i was walking through birmingham town centre I get a phone call from demi. One of my close friends Matt had been missing a few days, and I had demi crying on the phone... The police had found Matt that morning, dead, in a stream. You all know Im not one for crying, but i broke down. Ive known matt years, he was such a good friend, and wouldnt hurt a fly. I totally ruined the gigI still had a good time, but being stuck in birmingham, when everyone was back at home trying to come to terms with this news, i felt like i just couldnt do any thing. I had no one to turn to either. Ive lost a few people before, I know the whole grief thing, and the only person i had was demi, who was like matt's sister, crying her eyes out on the phone to me... so here starts the depression. I got back to oxford the day after, and the first thing i did was walk into the gloc, and have half a pint in Matt's honor! First drink in about 14 months!
Because of the suspicious nature of his death, the funeral took a lil longer then the usual week after the death thing, but by this time, 10 days later, I heard another friend, Trev, passed away. Both friends, in the same circle of friends, both younger then me... I was just... no... it cant be happening. By this point, I just didnt know what to do with myself :( I was also getting a cold as well, which made things worse. So we had matt's funeral, it was an amazing turnout... machine head - halo played him in, and there wasn't even standing space left outside! A week after, it was trev's funeral, which i was told was amazing, but my cold had gotten so bad i was bed ridden and couldnt make it :(
Enough of the gloom, it started my depression, and i still dont think I've grasped the whole of it and come to terms with it all. Christmas came and went without much fanfare. Didnt get much, what i did was shit, and really, its just another christmas and im not gonna prattle on about how i hate christmas. blah blah blah... New year on the other hand, epic! thats the only word to discribe it... Demi came round mine to drop of stuff as she was staying the night, then me and her went round to meet dom and Rhea! We all went to the gloc, had an amazing time, the photo's are all on my facebook! Got a taxi back to Rhea's and then me and Demi went back to mine, chatted a bit, and bed by 4am ish was a great time!
While all this happened, the day before new years eve, Char wanted to see me and talk... Talking, joking around, like we were friends again, led to other things, we ended up having sex, and yeah... I dont know why it happened... yes i did and still do have feelings for her, and yes i was missing the sex, but im not gonna explain myself to you all. Anyway, we ended up back together, it lasted a whole 5 days. Or roughly. My depression was pretty bad here and ive lost track of dates. Anyway, we've parted on pretty bad terms, not speaking, shes deleted me from facebook and msn, and it was her choice. I said i still wanted to be friends, it was me who ended it, with no chance of getting back together, but she decided to cut me out, which i understand. She was, or maybe still is, madly in love with me, and ive been there, so i know what shes going through. To be honest I dont really blaim her, i was a total idiot.
A while ago was speaking to laura, not the ex, the laura from that blind date i went on years and years ago... She said she likes me, and I liked her, but we werent going to get in a relationship because 1, I couldnt deal with that with all my problems and depression at the time, and 2, because last year she lost her partner, and father of her daughter. Im not sure how he passed away, and I wasnt about to start a convo about him, but she wanted to wait a while and take things slow... fine by me, until i find out a bit later, a mutual friend of ours also likes her, and after him saying that she dumped him, which didnt happen, he asked her out and she said no.. he then played the "im depressed now" card, and a week later, he's now posting that he's going out with her... and shes denying it... yet she spends weekends at his, and wants to move to live near him. Hmmmm... Both of them, along with some other people who have pissed me off recently have been deleted from my facebook. She's twice tried adding me back, but i just cant be bothered with any of it.
On the stomach pain front... I rang up about my MRI results... they were sent to the wrong consultant, and was told, after the receptionist of my consultant tracked them down, she said, off the record, they are all clear... I then get a letter from my consultant, after he's looked at them, saying there is a small anomily, which looks too small to be causing this pain but it will need to be looked at, so he's made an appointment to talk to me about what to do... thing is, this appointment is not until august! Not happy with that! Ringing them up, for a second time, to try to change it on monday! Also on monday, I have an appointment with work, to go back, my GP has signed me off saying i can work 2-3 hours a day, 1 or 2 days a week as and when i feel upto it, and work are happy to have me back and can adjust to what i need, so i will be doing stock checks and paperwork etc.
Ive also had my first appointment, my second is monday after my work appointment, with shaw trust, who deal with my benefits, they have said i can earn upto £90 a week and still get my benefits! Im also going to speak to them about getting my bar licence, and first aid qualifications, and maybe an SLI licence as well! all paid for by them, so that will be a great help!
The past two weeks, Ive been severely depressed, more so, greatly, then normal. I dont know why! I know Ive got alot going on, and lifes a bitch etc, but Im used to it, i should be able to deal with it all, but i cant! In the last 2 weeks, last night is the first time Ive been out to see friends and not to pop to the shop to buy cigarettes! Oh and to add to the depression, I only have £80 to last me 2 weeks, and £400 worth of bills that need to be paid in the next 3 days! ehhh... just had enough of it all! Lifes a bitch, my life is the bitches mother!
And todays tunage is...... Drowning Pool - Paralyzed
Last november... fireworks and stuff... i was single... I still am, but i will get to that! The Linkin Park gig was totally awesome! Alot of their old stuff was played, and i saw LINKIN PARK!!!! my life long all time favourite band! Thing is, i wasnt in the mood for it! Yeah, at the time i was enjoying life, even with being single! But that afternoon, as i was walking through birmingham town centre I get a phone call from demi. One of my close friends Matt had been missing a few days, and I had demi crying on the phone... The police had found Matt that morning, dead, in a stream. You all know Im not one for crying, but i broke down. Ive known matt years, he was such a good friend, and wouldnt hurt a fly. I totally ruined the gigI still had a good time, but being stuck in birmingham, when everyone was back at home trying to come to terms with this news, i felt like i just couldnt do any thing. I had no one to turn to either. Ive lost a few people before, I know the whole grief thing, and the only person i had was demi, who was like matt's sister, crying her eyes out on the phone to me... so here starts the depression. I got back to oxford the day after, and the first thing i did was walk into the gloc, and have half a pint in Matt's honor! First drink in about 14 months!
Because of the suspicious nature of his death, the funeral took a lil longer then the usual week after the death thing, but by this time, 10 days later, I heard another friend, Trev, passed away. Both friends, in the same circle of friends, both younger then me... I was just... no... it cant be happening. By this point, I just didnt know what to do with myself :( I was also getting a cold as well, which made things worse. So we had matt's funeral, it was an amazing turnout... machine head - halo played him in, and there wasn't even standing space left outside! A week after, it was trev's funeral, which i was told was amazing, but my cold had gotten so bad i was bed ridden and couldnt make it :(
Enough of the gloom, it started my depression, and i still dont think I've grasped the whole of it and come to terms with it all. Christmas came and went without much fanfare. Didnt get much, what i did was shit, and really, its just another christmas and im not gonna prattle on about how i hate christmas. blah blah blah... New year on the other hand, epic! thats the only word to discribe it... Demi came round mine to drop of stuff as she was staying the night, then me and her went round to meet dom and Rhea! We all went to the gloc, had an amazing time, the photo's are all on my facebook! Got a taxi back to Rhea's and then me and Demi went back to mine, chatted a bit, and bed by 4am ish was a great time!
While all this happened, the day before new years eve, Char wanted to see me and talk... Talking, joking around, like we were friends again, led to other things, we ended up having sex, and yeah... I dont know why it happened... yes i did and still do have feelings for her, and yes i was missing the sex, but im not gonna explain myself to you all. Anyway, we ended up back together, it lasted a whole 5 days. Or roughly. My depression was pretty bad here and ive lost track of dates. Anyway, we've parted on pretty bad terms, not speaking, shes deleted me from facebook and msn, and it was her choice. I said i still wanted to be friends, it was me who ended it, with no chance of getting back together, but she decided to cut me out, which i understand. She was, or maybe still is, madly in love with me, and ive been there, so i know what shes going through. To be honest I dont really blaim her, i was a total idiot.
A while ago was speaking to laura, not the ex, the laura from that blind date i went on years and years ago... She said she likes me, and I liked her, but we werent going to get in a relationship because 1, I couldnt deal with that with all my problems and depression at the time, and 2, because last year she lost her partner, and father of her daughter. Im not sure how he passed away, and I wasnt about to start a convo about him, but she wanted to wait a while and take things slow... fine by me, until i find out a bit later, a mutual friend of ours also likes her, and after him saying that she dumped him, which didnt happen, he asked her out and she said no.. he then played the "im depressed now" card, and a week later, he's now posting that he's going out with her... and shes denying it... yet she spends weekends at his, and wants to move to live near him. Hmmmm... Both of them, along with some other people who have pissed me off recently have been deleted from my facebook. She's twice tried adding me back, but i just cant be bothered with any of it.
On the stomach pain front... I rang up about my MRI results... they were sent to the wrong consultant, and was told, after the receptionist of my consultant tracked them down, she said, off the record, they are all clear... I then get a letter from my consultant, after he's looked at them, saying there is a small anomily, which looks too small to be causing this pain but it will need to be looked at, so he's made an appointment to talk to me about what to do... thing is, this appointment is not until august! Not happy with that! Ringing them up, for a second time, to try to change it on monday! Also on monday, I have an appointment with work, to go back, my GP has signed me off saying i can work 2-3 hours a day, 1 or 2 days a week as and when i feel upto it, and work are happy to have me back and can adjust to what i need, so i will be doing stock checks and paperwork etc.
Ive also had my first appointment, my second is monday after my work appointment, with shaw trust, who deal with my benefits, they have said i can earn upto £90 a week and still get my benefits! Im also going to speak to them about getting my bar licence, and first aid qualifications, and maybe an SLI licence as well! all paid for by them, so that will be a great help!
The past two weeks, Ive been severely depressed, more so, greatly, then normal. I dont know why! I know Ive got alot going on, and lifes a bitch etc, but Im used to it, i should be able to deal with it all, but i cant! In the last 2 weeks, last night is the first time Ive been out to see friends and not to pop to the shop to buy cigarettes! Oh and to add to the depression, I only have £80 to last me 2 weeks, and £400 worth of bills that need to be paid in the next 3 days! ehhh... just had enough of it all! Lifes a bitch, my life is the bitches mother!
And todays tunage is...... Drowning Pool - Paralyzed
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