Well as predicted in my last post, its been a few months. Ive actually been putting off writing this, not because I want to hide what I'm going to write about, but out of pure laziness brought on by severe depression. Yes, its been that bad, and there are reasons for it this time, including it coming up to Christmas.
Loneliness has settled in and I've been feeling it more than ever recently, I've also been having thoughts of a certain ex... as in what it would be like if I was still with her, and how I fucked it all up. I know now how stupid I was to dump her and although I can see and justify the reasons for dumping her, I can also see the flaws in my actions. I really have to get her out of my mind, its driving me crazy and making me depressed even more so than I already am, and theres nothing I can do about it. Shes with someone else and its been a couple of years now :( Maybe its just the loneliness thats drawing my mind back to when I was happy with someone, I dunno.
My birthday came and went, it was that boring I really cant remember it, despite it being my 30th. Later that month of July, on the 31st to be precise, Robin, my father, was found dead at his house in rose hill. Me and Lewis were at the Sheaf, my local pub in town, when we found out and Lewis really broke down. I don't blame him really, but as for me, anyone who knows me knows that I really couldn't care less for him as a dad. As a child up until I was the age of about 5 or 6 I had no problems really, it was just like anyone's childhood. After that though, he was never a dad to me and despite trying to patch things between us in the last couple of years, and especially since my nan passed almost two years ago, we were more like distant friends than the family we should of been like. I hadn't spoken to him in the last couple of months and I'd been telling myself to go round to see him. Me and my brother Lewis had decided we would both go round to see him the day after we were at the pub, until we got that phone call.
None of this had effected me in any way until the funeral on 20th August. It was a beautiful ceremony at the Crematorium and after the service I walked out to thank the pastor and ended up breaking down in front of him. It was totally uncontrollable. For someone who never cries, I don't know what came over me.
During all this chaos, beginning of August I noticed a tightness in my left shoulder with a small red lump. I suspected a torn ligament and started taking some anti-inflammatory med's then a few days later I visited my doctor and she agreed with my assumptions. So with the anti-inflammatory med's and a prescription for some pain relieve gel, I went back home. Oh how wrong could me and my doctor have been. The pain and redness and lump started to spread, from the top of my shoulder near my neck downwards across the top left of my chest. Finally, a few days after Robin's funeral, I went back to the doctors and was told that it was infected and was taken up to the hospital. I was diagnosed with cellulitis, an infection of the bottom layer of skin that connects to all the muscles and tissue. I ended up spending 10 days in hospital being fed anti-biotics straight into my veins. I lost a stone and a half inside and ended up with a big lump on my upper left chest filled with gooey puss and the like. I was told the anti-biotic pills I was given would clear it up in two to three weeks and had regular check-ups at the hospital. After a week, it became that painful, with the gooey stuffs doubling in size, I made an emergency appointment on a Sunday and was rushed back up to hospital.
They operated on me that morning, cutting away parts of scabs that had formed and draining it. After two more operations to clean out the massive wound they were happy that I would not become infected again and decided to give me a skin graft. Taking skin from my upper left leg, they used it to cover the entire area on my chest that was infected. A few days later I was told I could finally go home. After 9 whole days in hospital again, I was so glad to be home! I'm slowly recovering, and although it doesn't look very nice, it is healing nicely. I have a check-up on 24th October, and that should run smoothly.
In other news, there isn't really much to say. Waiting for inheritance from Robin, that's around £5000 which will be nice. Will finally be able to get carpeting done as well as a few other things I need for the house, and pay a few debts! Also renewing my DLA and disabled bus pass... which is a big hassle atm and paying for bus fare is getting expensive! Oh, and I've also stopped playing World of Warcraft and switched over to EVE:Online. Enjoying it so far, only a few months in and will have to see where it goes. I will be back on WoW when the new expansion comes out in November :)
Peace xxx
And todays tunage is...... The Band Perry - Back to me without you
Wednesday, 8 October 2014
Sunday, 1 June 2014
Choices...
So, I've made a few decisions in my life since my last post. I'm not sure if they were the right decisions, only time will tell me that, but who knows. My depression is. as per usual, on a downward spiral.It gets to the point where I don't think it can get any worse, and something just proves me wrong.
As for the decisions I've made for my life. It got to the point where I realized that I don't have any actual friends. Or more to the point, I don't have friends in the sense of what most people would call "friends". I have deleted almost 500 people from my friends list on Facebook, and considering this time two years ago I had over one thousand friends, after small culling's of my friends lists here and there, and a big one of the almost 500 more recently, my friend list is down to 175 people. Its gotten that small a list, that Facebook now keeps showing the "Find Friends" link at the top of the page. A lot of the people gone from the list are people who I just never spoke to, its not to say we fell out, just that after a few years of not speaking to them, is there really any point. A lot of it was just friends of friends, me trying to stay up to gossip with old friends etc, and then there's a small group of people I got rid off due to bad feelings. People who seemed to trigger my depression, people who kept playing mind games with me, or people that I was really close to that have drifted away for various reasons etc. At the end of the day, I have cut out a lot of people, and I'm not sure if it will make a difference in the long run, or help my depression, but so far its working.
In other news, Demi did move out of mine, and moved in to Aaron's... that lasted all of a week or two before she moved back home, and they broke up. I'm not sure what shes up to now, shes not speaking to me, and I have a feeling shes back with Pawl, but this may just be me seeing things that aren't there. Tommy has also moved out, and is now living with Scott. Its really good to have the place to myself again, I don't have to worry about being on my PC late at night, or worry about the volume on the PC. What I do miss is having something to do. I know its one of the main things that really pissed me off, but Tommy being messy at least gave me something to do during the day. With me being here on my own, the place is constantly tidy, so there is little to no cleaning needed. With the lack of company as well, all leads to a boring life that just adds to the depression and loneliness.
As for my tribunal I had, my money finally came through. Received £1500 in total, so brought a new 40 inch HD TV for my bedroom, which is now wall mounted at the end of my bed. Also paid some bills off etc Money never lasts as long as you want it to, does it? I also paid for a gas engineer to come and finally install my cooker. OK, Great! If only that were the case. The engineer came, looked at it, had to go back out to get a part he didn't have, came back, to look at the cooker again, to only tell me that he couldn't install it because of some safety feature my cooker didn't have which meant they could only install it in a house and not a flat. Not only that, but this "safety feature" couldn't be fitted either, it meant buying a whole new cooker, money that I just didn't have, even if i didn't buy the TV and had all my back pay from the tribunal. Anyway, after waiting ages for the refund of the payment I made for the install, and a lot of consideration and shopping around, I ended up in Brighthouse and got an electric cooker from them.
There's really nothing else of note going on in my life at the moment. I'm fed up and depressed and weighing the benefits of suicide... not that I'd actually go through with it, but was wondering how long it would take before anyone would notice... I swear its been at least 2 weeks since I spoke to anyone face to face, minus the odd trip to the shop for food and essentials... I think its been about a week since I spoke to anyone on the phone, and after looking, its been a week since I spoke to anyone on Facebook. So to be brutally honest, doing the math, If I topped myself / died / disappeared right now... I doubt anyone would notice until at least my birthday, which is in 6 weeks. Shows just how good my so called friends are!
Anyway... enough morbid thoughts... Im guessing my next post will be in a few months, seeing as my life is so dull, and lets be honest, even if it wasn't, I forget to post anyway!
Peace x
As for the decisions I've made for my life. It got to the point where I realized that I don't have any actual friends. Or more to the point, I don't have friends in the sense of what most people would call "friends". I have deleted almost 500 people from my friends list on Facebook, and considering this time two years ago I had over one thousand friends, after small culling's of my friends lists here and there, and a big one of the almost 500 more recently, my friend list is down to 175 people. Its gotten that small a list, that Facebook now keeps showing the "Find Friends" link at the top of the page. A lot of the people gone from the list are people who I just never spoke to, its not to say we fell out, just that after a few years of not speaking to them, is there really any point. A lot of it was just friends of friends, me trying to stay up to gossip with old friends etc, and then there's a small group of people I got rid off due to bad feelings. People who seemed to trigger my depression, people who kept playing mind games with me, or people that I was really close to that have drifted away for various reasons etc. At the end of the day, I have cut out a lot of people, and I'm not sure if it will make a difference in the long run, or help my depression, but so far its working.
In other news, Demi did move out of mine, and moved in to Aaron's... that lasted all of a week or two before she moved back home, and they broke up. I'm not sure what shes up to now, shes not speaking to me, and I have a feeling shes back with Pawl, but this may just be me seeing things that aren't there. Tommy has also moved out, and is now living with Scott. Its really good to have the place to myself again, I don't have to worry about being on my PC late at night, or worry about the volume on the PC. What I do miss is having something to do. I know its one of the main things that really pissed me off, but Tommy being messy at least gave me something to do during the day. With me being here on my own, the place is constantly tidy, so there is little to no cleaning needed. With the lack of company as well, all leads to a boring life that just adds to the depression and loneliness.
As for my tribunal I had, my money finally came through. Received £1500 in total, so brought a new 40 inch HD TV for my bedroom, which is now wall mounted at the end of my bed. Also paid some bills off etc Money never lasts as long as you want it to, does it? I also paid for a gas engineer to come and finally install my cooker. OK, Great! If only that were the case. The engineer came, looked at it, had to go back out to get a part he didn't have, came back, to look at the cooker again, to only tell me that he couldn't install it because of some safety feature my cooker didn't have which meant they could only install it in a house and not a flat. Not only that, but this "safety feature" couldn't be fitted either, it meant buying a whole new cooker, money that I just didn't have, even if i didn't buy the TV and had all my back pay from the tribunal. Anyway, after waiting ages for the refund of the payment I made for the install, and a lot of consideration and shopping around, I ended up in Brighthouse and got an electric cooker from them.
There's really nothing else of note going on in my life at the moment. I'm fed up and depressed and weighing the benefits of suicide... not that I'd actually go through with it, but was wondering how long it would take before anyone would notice... I swear its been at least 2 weeks since I spoke to anyone face to face, minus the odd trip to the shop for food and essentials... I think its been about a week since I spoke to anyone on the phone, and after looking, its been a week since I spoke to anyone on Facebook. So to be brutally honest, doing the math, If I topped myself / died / disappeared right now... I doubt anyone would notice until at least my birthday, which is in 6 weeks. Shows just how good my so called friends are!
Anyway... enough morbid thoughts... Im guessing my next post will be in a few months, seeing as my life is so dull, and lets be honest, even if it wasn't, I forget to post anyway!
Peace x
Monday, 17 March 2014
So Much Bleh!
Well... Things aren't too bad in the world of James. Its not that I'm not complaining about anything, just that I really can't be bothered with the complaining. My depression has gotten to the point that I really just don't care about anything anymore :/ Tommy is still getting on my nerves, and its getting to the point where I really want him out now, but as of last weekend I now have Demi living here as well. But with Demi comes Aaron... after Demi and Pawl fell out over something or other, Demi came to Oxford for a break, met up with Aaron, and yeah.... Now Demi has dumped Pawl, is dating Aaron, and is homeless, with all her stuff still with Pawl back in Bournemouth, give or take 2 changes of clothes, a bag, and toothbrush.
I'm sure you can now see the problems of having Demi and Aaron in my living room, wanting to be all lovey dovey etc, while Tommy is in there, especially given that Maxine is in Japan for two weeks, and Tommy has gone all emo about it. Tomorrow, or rather, this morning is Monday and I'm treating it as the start of a new week, and a new house. Im sitting them all down for some ground rules, and giving them expiry times on staying here! Don't get me wrong, Im loving the company and in some aspects its really helping my depression, but with Demi not being able to help with living costs, and Tommy being his messy, un-house-trained self, all of it is really starting to annoy me and i need my own space back!
As for other news, I finally had my tribunal, after waiting two years, almost to the day. And I actually won my case, so I will be expecting some money soon. I'm not sure how much, and Ive worked it out to be about £2500 but this is the DWP and we all know how they like to fuck people over, so if I get that amount, I will be very happy, but Im not holding my breath! At least I will be getting something. Plan on finally getting my carpet, now the rest of the house is decorated (just need to paint the hallway ceiling), and also plan on treating myself to a nice big 40 inch TV for my bedroom! Using some of my money when i get paid next week to get my cooker installed... finally! Cant wait to be able to cook actual meals again! If I get what Im expecting, Im also paying for Krissy to come down for a few weeks! Its been about a year since Ive seen her and lil one, and I cant wait to see them again. Shes moving back to Oxford soon, and depending on how things go while shes down here, she may move in, if the others are out by then, and yeah.... James with girlfriend? well, lets just see how it all goes!
Speaking of girls, I really dont know whats going on between me and Lucy. Im giving up on the whole idea, as much as I like her, Im fed up with the mind games, and trying to work out what to do. Anyway, if things work out ok between me and Krissy, that problem will solve itself!
Stil not sleeping properly at night, hence the post at 6am in the morning, after only 2 hours of sleep. I really need to get back into a routine of taking my meds when Im meant to! Im also meant to be going into hospital on Wednesday to have my 3 wisdom teeth pulled, but I will be ringing up later to change the dates as I have no way of getting there by 9:30am, and with everything going on atm, Im not up to having all the extra stress. Anyway, time I logged off and sorted a few things out!
Peace x
I'm sure you can now see the problems of having Demi and Aaron in my living room, wanting to be all lovey dovey etc, while Tommy is in there, especially given that Maxine is in Japan for two weeks, and Tommy has gone all emo about it. Tomorrow, or rather, this morning is Monday and I'm treating it as the start of a new week, and a new house. Im sitting them all down for some ground rules, and giving them expiry times on staying here! Don't get me wrong, Im loving the company and in some aspects its really helping my depression, but with Demi not being able to help with living costs, and Tommy being his messy, un-house-trained self, all of it is really starting to annoy me and i need my own space back!
As for other news, I finally had my tribunal, after waiting two years, almost to the day. And I actually won my case, so I will be expecting some money soon. I'm not sure how much, and Ive worked it out to be about £2500 but this is the DWP and we all know how they like to fuck people over, so if I get that amount, I will be very happy, but Im not holding my breath! At least I will be getting something. Plan on finally getting my carpet, now the rest of the house is decorated (just need to paint the hallway ceiling), and also plan on treating myself to a nice big 40 inch TV for my bedroom! Using some of my money when i get paid next week to get my cooker installed... finally! Cant wait to be able to cook actual meals again! If I get what Im expecting, Im also paying for Krissy to come down for a few weeks! Its been about a year since Ive seen her and lil one, and I cant wait to see them again. Shes moving back to Oxford soon, and depending on how things go while shes down here, she may move in, if the others are out by then, and yeah.... James with girlfriend? well, lets just see how it all goes!
Speaking of girls, I really dont know whats going on between me and Lucy. Im giving up on the whole idea, as much as I like her, Im fed up with the mind games, and trying to work out what to do. Anyway, if things work out ok between me and Krissy, that problem will solve itself!
Stil not sleeping properly at night, hence the post at 6am in the morning, after only 2 hours of sleep. I really need to get back into a routine of taking my meds when Im meant to! Im also meant to be going into hospital on Wednesday to have my 3 wisdom teeth pulled, but I will be ringing up later to change the dates as I have no way of getting there by 9:30am, and with everything going on atm, Im not up to having all the extra stress. Anyway, time I logged off and sorted a few things out!
Peace x
Sunday, 2 February 2014
Depression
So... Before I get on to the subject of my latest problems with depression, I'll recap over whats happened over the last few months since my last post.
Christmas day was bad for me, being the 1 year anniversary of Wig's passing, and with no cooker, I had a microwavable Chinese dinner from Iceland. I also didn't receive many presents. Tommy got me a potion bottle from Tigerlily that he knew I liked and his parents got me a JD gift set and 2 DVDs. That was the extent of my presents for Christmas. New year was spent at home with a bottle of wine, your typical boring night really.
Since then not much of interest has happened. Ive finally gotten round to ringing Green Square, and they have booked a meeting next Wednesday. This is the meeting that I was meant to have after being here 6 weeks. Only 3 months late! Ive also decorated the majority of the flat, just one wall in the living room and the hallway ceiling left to paint. In the end I didn't plaster the walls, just removed the loose paint and roughly sanded it down as best I could. To be honest, as long as your not purposely looking for it on the walls, its not that noticeable. Plan on doing the last bits tomorrow and am going to speak to Green Square at my meeting about funding to help me get a carpet, and get the few problems fixed with the flat (boiler noises, condensation etc).
Now on to the depression... It revolves partly around a girl.... Yes... There is someone I have my eyes on, and after almost 3 years, its a nice change! We will call her Lucy, because, well, that's her name. I haven't known her for that long, but she is the most beautiful person that's caught my eye in a long long time. She's best friends with Tommy, and since Tommy moved in we have gotten to know each other a bit more, and somewhere along the lines I started growing feelings for her. Anyway, I had a BBQ last Wednesday, yes despite the weather... I still don't have a cooker and was fed up with pot noodles and microwave meals. Anyway, somehow Tommy got Lucy to sleep with me that night. I'm not sure how it happened, or how Tommy got it to happen, but that's besides the point.
The night was a lot of fun, despite not lasting as long as I'd of liked it to, if you know what I mean... Its been quite a while! Lucy went home as she had work the next morning, and we started speaking more on Facebook, and she had left a few things here. I mentioned it was a good excuse for her to come round again, and she was up for that. From what I gathered she had a good time here, and was up for more fun. I'm not going to say no, as I really REALLY like her, so its all good!
Come Friday (yesterday) I was feeling really shit, depression, and over thinking things as per usual. Wondering what was going to happen between me and Lucy, as we hadn't talked about it. A lot of other things were getting me down as well, you know the usual from my previous posts (money, expenses, bills, doctors etc). I'm not one for one night stands, and besides my "friend" from November, this sort of thing doesn't happen, and even with my friend, we knew it was a one off, even if it happened twice.
I decided I needed to get out, try to socialize with some friends etc, and they were all going to Skelefest. A big metal night at O2 with a load of bands playing, and I knew Lucy was going as well, so I thought I would go and cheer myself up! Worst choice I've ever made! The bands I saw were really good, and I caught up with a few friends I hadn't seen in quite a long time, which was all good, but what ruined my night was when Lucy showed up. I was standing at the back of the gig as per usual and when she arrived she said she was really drunk and walked straight pass me. I then saw her on a few separate occasions making out with her ex boyfriend, which made me feel even worse, and to top it all off, despite her walking past me, and seeing me a few times, she blanked me the entire evening.
I know I over react, we aren't dating, she's not my girlfriend or anything, but on top of me already feeling so low, it crippled me. We haven't spoken since, but it has only been a day. I did partially cheer myself up by cleaning the flat today, swept and mopped all the floors etc, and I stripped my PC and gave it a proper deep clean! Its running so quietly now, its a dream!
I still don't know what to do about the whole Lucy thing, and since Friday Tommy has been pestering me to try to find out whats wrong. Well we all know I don't speak about my feelings to anyone... I'm half tempted to tell him all this so he can speak to Lucy for me and find out what's what but I'm still feeling down at the moment, so I might get around to it in a few days... Knowing me, I won't!
Got the house to myself tomorrow as Tommy is off to London to celebrate the Chinese new year with his girlfriend. I really should figure out something to do, but for now, its bed!
Peace xxx
Christmas day was bad for me, being the 1 year anniversary of Wig's passing, and with no cooker, I had a microwavable Chinese dinner from Iceland. I also didn't receive many presents. Tommy got me a potion bottle from Tigerlily that he knew I liked and his parents got me a JD gift set and 2 DVDs. That was the extent of my presents for Christmas. New year was spent at home with a bottle of wine, your typical boring night really.
Since then not much of interest has happened. Ive finally gotten round to ringing Green Square, and they have booked a meeting next Wednesday. This is the meeting that I was meant to have after being here 6 weeks. Only 3 months late! Ive also decorated the majority of the flat, just one wall in the living room and the hallway ceiling left to paint. In the end I didn't plaster the walls, just removed the loose paint and roughly sanded it down as best I could. To be honest, as long as your not purposely looking for it on the walls, its not that noticeable. Plan on doing the last bits tomorrow and am going to speak to Green Square at my meeting about funding to help me get a carpet, and get the few problems fixed with the flat (boiler noises, condensation etc).
Now on to the depression... It revolves partly around a girl.... Yes... There is someone I have my eyes on, and after almost 3 years, its a nice change! We will call her Lucy, because, well, that's her name. I haven't known her for that long, but she is the most beautiful person that's caught my eye in a long long time. She's best friends with Tommy, and since Tommy moved in we have gotten to know each other a bit more, and somewhere along the lines I started growing feelings for her. Anyway, I had a BBQ last Wednesday, yes despite the weather... I still don't have a cooker and was fed up with pot noodles and microwave meals. Anyway, somehow Tommy got Lucy to sleep with me that night. I'm not sure how it happened, or how Tommy got it to happen, but that's besides the point.
The night was a lot of fun, despite not lasting as long as I'd of liked it to, if you know what I mean... Its been quite a while! Lucy went home as she had work the next morning, and we started speaking more on Facebook, and she had left a few things here. I mentioned it was a good excuse for her to come round again, and she was up for that. From what I gathered she had a good time here, and was up for more fun. I'm not going to say no, as I really REALLY like her, so its all good!
Come Friday (yesterday) I was feeling really shit, depression, and over thinking things as per usual. Wondering what was going to happen between me and Lucy, as we hadn't talked about it. A lot of other things were getting me down as well, you know the usual from my previous posts (money, expenses, bills, doctors etc). I'm not one for one night stands, and besides my "friend" from November, this sort of thing doesn't happen, and even with my friend, we knew it was a one off, even if it happened twice.
I decided I needed to get out, try to socialize with some friends etc, and they were all going to Skelefest. A big metal night at O2 with a load of bands playing, and I knew Lucy was going as well, so I thought I would go and cheer myself up! Worst choice I've ever made! The bands I saw were really good, and I caught up with a few friends I hadn't seen in quite a long time, which was all good, but what ruined my night was when Lucy showed up. I was standing at the back of the gig as per usual and when she arrived she said she was really drunk and walked straight pass me. I then saw her on a few separate occasions making out with her ex boyfriend, which made me feel even worse, and to top it all off, despite her walking past me, and seeing me a few times, she blanked me the entire evening.
I know I over react, we aren't dating, she's not my girlfriend or anything, but on top of me already feeling so low, it crippled me. We haven't spoken since, but it has only been a day. I did partially cheer myself up by cleaning the flat today, swept and mopped all the floors etc, and I stripped my PC and gave it a proper deep clean! Its running so quietly now, its a dream!
I still don't know what to do about the whole Lucy thing, and since Friday Tommy has been pestering me to try to find out whats wrong. Well we all know I don't speak about my feelings to anyone... I'm half tempted to tell him all this so he can speak to Lucy for me and find out what's what but I'm still feeling down at the moment, so I might get around to it in a few days... Knowing me, I won't!
Got the house to myself tomorrow as Tommy is off to London to celebrate the Chinese new year with his girlfriend. I really should figure out something to do, but for now, its bed!
Peace xxx
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