Drained

Well... Yesterday was apparently national boyfriend day, but more importantly, mine and Sarah's 2 month anniversary... Not that you could tell with the way things are going. I think she's finally seen just how bad my pain can get. There's been two times where I've been in so much pain, I've ended up sleeping for a couple days with no contact etc, and its caused the odd argument, but we always made up and things continued as normal. For the most part, it's all good.

It's a problem when I'm ill and end up sleeping all day etc, it then plays on her anxiety and she starts questioning everything, and it all just piles on top of each other and arguments happen, but we work through it and things go back to normal. That is, until last Friday.

We were chatting, and everything was fine, the parents had been on holiday and got back last Thursday so Sarah spent Friday with her mum. My pain wasn't so bad, and I was expecting the usual "can we stay over" as since we've been together Sarah and the kids have spent every weekend at mine. I think there's only been one weekend where I was really bad and she didn't stay in the last two months. But the question never came, and I didn't push it. I thought maybe she was tired from spending the day with her mum, and she has housework to catch up on. Then it was Saturday, no messages, no nothing... Although I was bed-ridden Saturday and spent most of it asleep, I did wake up a few times and checked my phone. I wasn't sure what was up, and by Sunday I still hadn't heard from her. I left it, obviously, being the guy, I had done something wrong, and I didn't want to push it, and it always seems to be me who does the running back, apologizing for an illness that I can't control, and the effects said illness has on me.

Anyway, Monday morning I messaged her, asking if she's OK, because she's been quiet all weekend. I get a reply basically saying so what, and that she never knows if I'm asleep or awake... Queue another argument. This one wasn't so bad, basically me explaining myself yet again, I messaged her again yesterday morning, that basically went hey, hi, you OK? not really, sad face I miss you.... and I really do miss her, and the kids... but she never replied, and I'm not  about to chase after her every time. That was 2pm yesterday. Still not heard a word from her, and this whole weekend, and the constant arguments when I'm ill, me pushing myself once I'm a bit better to keep her happy, etc etc is really draining me emotionally. My depression and anxiety can't handle much more of this.

Every time it is down to me, to fix the problems etc, and once I feel even a tiny bit better, I push myself, to sort things out, and that just makes me worse as I'm not totally rested etc. The strain all this is taking on me, both physically and emotionally, is going to end me. I love her so damn much, and wish I could fix it all so we could have a semi-normal relationship, but that's not going to happen, and Sarah needs to realize I can't change any of this. I just don't know what to do any more.

Anyway... popped to the butcher this morning... brought myself 26oz of prime rump steak to treat myself and try to cheer myself up! With some home-made chilli garlic fries and garlic mushrooms.... Om nom nom!

Peace x