Ramblings of a depressed man

Meh... Starting to be one of those I dont give a shit moods. Although every day seems to be like that at the moment. Despite what my pysch tells me, I really dont have much to live for at the moment. Not that that is going to stop me living, despite the thoughts of just ending it all, I know its only a bad patch, my depression and moods acting out against myself, but understanding this doesnt make it any easier to cope with.

My nan asked me why I smoke so much recently, not that I said this, but the thoughts went through my head of Im on the max dose of two different anti-depressants, seeing a psychologist, feeling suicidal, and have nothing left to live for.... Im not smoking this much cos Im fucking happy! She knows Im seeing a psych, and she knows im on anti-depressants, but I dont think she realizes just how bad things are for me, and I cant / dont want to tell her. Ive never been someone who can talk about my problems. and the one or two individuals who I can talk to about such things, I never see anymore. So yeah, Im suck in this place, and I dont care if I leave it or not.

I really should think about start taking some of my meds again, and get back on top of monitoring my diabetes etc. This morning I took my anti-depressants for the first time in a couple of weeks, but knowing it, its just a one off and I'll slip back into the routine of never taking them again.

Nothing new is happening, my life is the same as when I last posted. I dont go out, I dont see people, I ignore half my friends on facebook, just because I cant be bothered with the whole social interaction of things. Although I am going to the pub today, as Megan is performing, and shes finished putting music to the song I wont for her, so she should be playing that and I want to hear it! This will be the first time Ive been out to see people this month. Dont get me wrong, Ive gone out, to the shops and such, but not to see "friends" or to socialize etc.

Id say at this point things can only get better, but knowing my luck, life will supprise me with a whole new definition of low. Time to go be sociable! laters x


And todays tunage is...... motinoless in white - Devil's Night