On and on and on...

So my Birthday has come and gone. 28 years old now. Decided to invite all my friends out on the saturday after (14th) just for a few drinks at the pub, then move on to PT after. It went ok, but it wasnt as good as I expected it to be. Firstly, of all people not to show up, Demi wasnt there. Im rather disappointed in that. Ali and Char showed up, even though it was for only 5 minutes to say happy birthday. What I dont understand is how they only showed for 5 minutes, demi not at all, yet Gizmo has a broken back and still managed to come out for it! At the moment Im really disillusioned over who my real, actual friends are these days. Oh, and as for presents go :S my nan gave me £40 towards a new music player (more about that in a second) and my uncle brought a load of food for a bbq i had a few days ago! Demi also got my ticket to see Motionless in White, which is amazing! and thats it! Im giving up on buying people birthday presents any more, they can all go to hell!

About the music player. My IPod has been broken for a while, and I loved it. The only downsides to my ipod touch were using itunes, and the limited 64Gb capacity. So I've brought a new one. £140 on an archos 48 internet tablet. 500Gb as well, so thats big enough to hold my entire music collection and then some. Only down side is its quite heavy and runs on an outdated android system. I dont really care lol. But... the day i got it, it seemed to start being gay, entered recovery mode and wouldnt get back out of it, so I had to pay a further £7 to send it back to Archos direct. The recieved it monday, and sent me a new one out last night. It will arrive today between 12:40 and 13:40. Despite it costing another £7 its a great customer service.

Health wise, Im not sure what to do. Everything seems to keep getting worse, and nothing seems to help. Ive been speaking to Lenny, a friend who's a nurse, and shes asked one of her Doctor friends, and they both agree that Im on the wrong meds. I agree as well, Ive known for a while and seeming as my pain meds dont work anyway, i dont really take them unless im in dire need. Anyway, Lenny and her Doctor friend think I should be on MST which is a morphine based tablet, and then oramorph for backup when the pain is really really bad. Im gonna bring this all up with my GP on the 17th when I go see her and get her to review all my drugs.

My depression has taken a turn for the worse. When i go down, im seriously down, as in suicidal, and its the worst its ever been, even compared to the whole Ali / suicide situation, which is saying something. Whats most annoying is how quickly it can change. One minute I can be fine, and at a click of my fingers Im down, and I dont know whats triggering it most of the time. As for feeling happy, or even feeling ok, that never happens anymore. Ive found it supprisingly easy to lie to my friends and family and say im ok, when I know myself that Im not. Now I dispise lying, but its so much easier to hide how down I am and to pretend that Im ok, than it is to actually talk to someone about it. Im gonna attempt to speak to my GP about this as well. Im refusing to see my psych but a change in my antidepressants may help.

On other medical notes, the pain management team that I was meant to see after my operation on 5th MArch... They have finally sent me an appointment, but its for 26th November. Its a fucking joke. I recieved the appointment a few days after emailing my MP, Andrew Smith, asking for help with this and my Tribunals. Maybe its a result of me writing to him, but Im ringing PALs to complain, then Im emailing Andrew Smith again, asking if he has any power to move the date forward for my appointment. As for the tribunals, the one for my ESA was meant to be 5-9 weeks after I got my letter. Today is 9 weeks. I rang them yesterday and they said it could take another month. Im not sure how long my DSA one will take, that letter said 6-10 weeks and it was dated middle of July. But depending on which one I get first, Im going to get them to hold both at the same time. As of this coming Saturday, my backpay for ESA is £590! That should help pay off some bills, and give me some money towards the Camden trip when me and demi go see motionless in white!

LEts see, what else has been going on... Honestly not a lot, i hardly ever go out because of the pain, and I really just cant be bothered the rest of the time. Im sure I will post again later, but it will proberly be in another 2 months or so. I remember when I first started this blog many years ago and I was posting weekly, and I wish I had a life and what not to be able to do that, but every day seems to blend into another, and its all the same at the end of the day.

Peace x