Depression

So... Before I get on to the subject of my latest problems with depression, I'll recap over whats happened over the last few months since my last post.

Christmas day was bad for me, being the 1 year anniversary of Wig's passing, and with no cooker, I had a microwavable Chinese dinner from Iceland. I also didn't receive many presents. Tommy got me a potion bottle from Tigerlily that he knew I liked and his parents got me a JD gift set and 2 DVDs. That was the extent of my presents for Christmas. New year was spent at home with a bottle of wine, your typical boring night really.

Since then not much of interest has happened. Ive finally gotten round to ringing Green Square, and they have booked a meeting next Wednesday. This is the meeting that I was meant to have after being here 6 weeks. Only 3 months late! Ive also decorated the majority of the flat, just one wall in the living room and the hallway ceiling left to paint. In the end I didn't plaster the walls, just removed the loose paint and roughly sanded it  down as best I could. To be honest, as long as your not purposely looking for it on the walls, its not that noticeable. Plan on doing the last bits tomorrow and am going to speak to Green Square at my meeting about funding to help me get a carpet, and get the few problems fixed with the flat (boiler noises, condensation etc).

Now on to the depression... It revolves partly around a girl.... Yes... There is someone I have my eyes on, and after almost 3 years, its a nice change! We will call her Lucy, because, well, that's her name. I haven't known her for that long, but she is the most beautiful person that's caught my eye in a long long time. She's best friends with Tommy, and since Tommy moved in we have gotten to know each other a bit more, and somewhere along the lines I started growing feelings for her. Anyway, I had a BBQ last Wednesday, yes despite the weather... I still don't have a cooker and was fed up with pot noodles and microwave meals. Anyway, somehow Tommy got Lucy to sleep with me that night. I'm not sure how it happened, or how Tommy got it to happen, but that's besides the point.

The night was a lot of fun, despite not lasting as long as I'd of liked it to, if you know what I mean... Its been quite a while! Lucy went home as she had work the next morning, and we started speaking more on Facebook, and she had left a few things here. I mentioned it was a good excuse for her to come round again, and she was up for that. From what I gathered she had a good time here, and was up for more fun. I'm not going to say no, as I really REALLY like her, so its all good!

Come Friday (yesterday) I was feeling really shit, depression, and over thinking things as per usual. Wondering what was going to happen between me and Lucy, as we hadn't talked about it. A lot of other things were getting me down as well, you know the usual from my previous posts (money, expenses, bills, doctors etc). I'm not one for one night stands, and besides my "friend" from November, this sort of thing doesn't happen, and even with my friend, we knew it was a one off, even if it happened twice.

I decided I needed to get out, try to socialize with some friends etc, and they were all going to Skelefest. A big metal night at O2 with a load of bands playing, and I knew Lucy was going as well, so I thought I would go and cheer myself up! Worst choice I've ever made! The bands I saw were really good, and I caught up with a few friends I hadn't seen in quite a long time, which was all good, but what ruined my night was when Lucy showed up. I was standing at the back of the gig as per usual and when she arrived she said she was really drunk and walked straight pass me. I then saw her on a few separate occasions making out with her ex boyfriend, which made me feel even worse, and to top it all off, despite her walking past me, and seeing me a few times, she blanked me the entire evening.

I know I over react, we aren't dating, she's not my girlfriend or anything, but on top of me already feeling so low, it crippled me. We haven't spoken since, but it has only been a day. I did partially cheer myself up by cleaning the flat today, swept and mopped all the floors etc, and I stripped my PC and gave it a proper deep clean! Its running so quietly now, its a dream!

I still don't know what to do about the whole Lucy thing, and since Friday Tommy has been pestering me to try to find out whats wrong. Well we all know I don't speak about my feelings to anyone... I'm half tempted to tell him all this so he can speak to Lucy for me and find out what's what but I'm still feeling down at the moment, so I might get around to it in a few days... Knowing me, I won't!

Got the house to myself tomorrow as Tommy is off to London to celebrate the Chinese new year with his girlfriend. I really should figure out something to do, but for now, its bed!

Peace xxx