My post on facebook....

<Rant>
Really fed up with all this... My stomach pain crippling me, getting so bad that on some days I cant even get out of bed.... then the pain in my feet, and the numbness, not being able to feel where I'm stepping or anything except the sharp shooting electricity that surges through them at random times. Then there's the muscle fatigue in my legs, further complicating my walking and mobility. Not to mention all the other medical problems and complications I have (diabetes, depression, anxiety, black outs, headaches, insomnia etc etc)

Not to mention losing friends because they don't understand and wont take the time, or have the patience to learn the difference between me not being able to go out / socialize because of the pain etc and me not caring.

I know that I still have a few friends that care, that have taken the time to understand my problems, that still visit me or ask to meet up on occasion, but they are so few and far between... going weeks sometimes before seeing anyone.

It's been six years now, since I became ill, and my life froze, and it's gotten to the point where I just don't know where to turn anymore. My doctors have exhausted all medical help available to me, I've lost all hope of starting a family, let alone finding a relationship again, I'll never be able to work again, and despite most people hating work, it was one of the things I loved. 99% of my hobbies I can no longer partake in, and that 1% left bores me because its all I do when I am able.

I enrolled with OU to finish my degree, in some vain attempt to give me something to do, something to look forward to, something to take the edge off this depression, but I don't even see the point in that. Whats the point of earning my degree if I then cant do anything with it afterwards?

Is there any point to living? not that I'd call this living, I'm just alive. I'm in a state of suspension, doing nothing of consequence, not really living a life, but too lazy to just end it all. And no, this isn't some suicidal scream for help, not that I'm not suicidal, but I won't do anything, it didn't work the first 2 times, and I'm fed up with trying. It's a sad state when you're so depressed that even ending all the pain is too much effort. So I'll just write, and people won't like it, and I may get people shouting at me to get some help, or to stop being emo, or what not, but in my way, this writing is a form of help. If you don't like it, just keep on scrolling past, fuck you all. If more people actually cared, I would have never reached this place.

Maybe I should of posted this in my blog where no one will ever read it... but it's about time people realized just how fucked up I really am. I'm fed up of putting on that false persona of "James is doing OK" and everyone thinking that things aren't as bad as they really are. Well shock horror... Things are actually a LOT worse than I make them out to be. I just don't want to talk about it all the time, I don't want your pity, and no, you cant make anything better. Yes, I'm suicidal most days, yes, I'm depressed, yes, I'm in agony, yes, things really are THAT bad, yes, my anxiety keeps me house-bound for weeks at a time, and no, it's not that easy to fix!

Super-massive rant.... over</rant>