Reached level 32

Being ill is never fun, even less so on your birthday, and for my case, the last 6 birthdays I've had. End of next month will be 7 years of being ill, of not being able to do so many things, of my life being put on hold, and everything just getting worse and worse.

I try to cope, I honestly do. I finally went back to uni, which all-in-all is going rather well, despite how easy it is and the background arguments over educational etiquette and the like. I've tried going out as well, but that never ends well. There have been a few times where I have enjoyed going out, with no panic attacks, and no sign of my anxiety, but by the time I get back home I realise how lonely I am, how few friends I really have, and I'm usually in a lot of pain at this point, so is going out any more worth it? For that point, is me even being around any more worth it?

As much as I'd like to just call it a day, and end it all, I don't have the willingness or effort to end my own life. For one thing, actually doing it right takes time and preparation, and I'm just not motivated in anything to do it. Secondly, I know it's just my depression talking. I know the difference between me and the demon that is my depression.

What really annoys me though is all these people who say things will get better. Just stop lying to me, and to yourselves. Yes, little problems do, and can get better. No money? a little stressed? Not had a day off? Yeah it will get better. Have a life-long problem with chronic pain? Neuropathy that stops you from walking? Diabetes, and a host of other medical problems? No, things will not simply "get better". And my depression and anxiety? They are directly influenced by my other medical conditions, so until those are fixed, which they wont, my depression and anxiety are here to stay.

I've been writing this blog now for 10 years. My very first post was 11th June 2006. With very few people actually reading it, I don't write all of this for people to read. It's a way to vent my thoughts as they build up, like a diary of sorts, although not as private. I don't mind people reading this, and in the past it's solved a lot of problems as I can rarely speak about what I feel, writing is just easier for me. Writing about my problems seems to alleviate some of the stress caused by those problems, even if it's only for the short-term. It's a coping mechanism for me. I really do need to write more, and I know I keep saying this, and I know I never follow through with it, but it does help.

Well, here's to another pain and depression filled birthday, another year just thrown away, to a life not worth living. Happy birthday to me.

Peace x

And today's tunage is...... I prevail - My heart I surrender