An undisclosed amount of bullshit

Good News

2012-01-29T15:30:00.002Z

Since I wrote to my MP, I've heard back from the hospital and the Complaints Manager! My Operation has been set for 5th MArch which is great news! I'm a little bit nervous about it, but Im glad I've finally got a date! Now I just need to wait the 5 weeks, and pray they find something. Im really starting to miss work, and the money! Ive asl seen my GP and Ive been put onto stronger anti-depressants. Been taking them for 4 days now, and I seem to be in a better mood than usual, although I still have my down sides. Its managable down though, so thats good! I've also been to the eye hospital, after the diabetic team thought my eyes were really bad and I needed surgery, but the eye hospital doc sai they were over exagirating and my eyes are fine for now!

Last night I went to an amazing gig! Crysis did an excellent set as well as seeing Ways Across. Finally got my Crysis tshirt as well! I went with Megan, and Ive been spending alot more time with her. Went to her open mic night last tuesday which was fun. I dont know, things between us seem a bit off, Im not sure if its just me over thinking things, but it seems like shes trying to flirt with me... We've had this discussion before and we both said it wouldnt work if we got back together. Despite my feelings for her, Im not sure if it would work or not :s I'm not gonna do anything, just wait and see how things go!

I've also been speaking to Keri (Gemma's sister) alot. Yeah, I have a crush on her, but Im not sure how she feels about me, so will have to find out somehow. Anyway, Im seeing her on the 11th at Gemma's house party as Gemma and Mikey hae now, finally, got their own place! I spent a week and a half with them, helping them move and decorate! Its a really nice 2 bedroom appartment in Long Wittenham. Its right between Didcot and Abingdon, 3 miles to either. A really small, quiet village with no shops etc but its great out there!

Hmm... Other news? Demi and Flatz have broken up, and its Demi's birthday soon, so that should be fun. Wig seems to be sleeping alot recently, Im not sure if its because of her age, or what, but i dont think its good, and she wont see a doctor either :s Well thats all from my boring life! Post again some time soon!

Peace x

And todays tunage is...... Ways Across - Believe

A new year, same old shit

2012-01-03T21:16:00.002Z

I was thinking, wouldnt it be nice to have some of my old things back... nothing material, just emotions, feelings, friends, etc. I find myself reminising more and more about what I used to have and everything Ive lost, through my own mistakes or other reasons. I dont know what I'm doing any more. I've lost all reason for being, with no energy or motivation in my life. Christmas came and went, and although it was slightly better than previous years, it was still the same old shit that I hate. At least this year I didnt get any unwanted presents. New years eve went ok as well, went to Pizza hut with everyone, were 13 of us and it was good fun, then in the Wheatsheaf with a smaller group of friends, and it all went ok, a few things got me down, but again, thats just my depression kicking in to do with things I cant control and they shouldnt bother me but they do.

In other, happier news, Star Wars: The Old Republic came out 20th December and Ive been playing that, its been amazing and Im not quite sure if I prefer it over WoW but its a nice change. You have lightsabers, need I really say more?

Medically speaking, Ive been getting worse, I wrote to my MP yesterday to see if he can help me get my operation. He helped back last April when I couldnt get an appointment, so hopefully he will help again. Like I said, my depression is also really bad, but the stomach problem doesnt help, and Ive stopped testing my blood sugars again and im not ontop of my diabetes, but thats partly due to my depression and that I really dont give a fuck any more. If the NHS doesnt care that I could possibly have a life threatening condition, why should I? Its not like I've got much to live for anyway. Constantly in pain, either not sleeping, or when I do, its for 15hours at a time... bleh!

As for girlfriends, or lack thereof, yeah it pisses me off, but with being ill, Im not exactly in a fit state to go out and socialize and find one. I end up sitting at home all the time watching girls I fancy fall in love with other people, or flirt with others, not realizing that I actually fancy them. oh well... life goes on, unfortunitly.

gonna go and umm... do something, not sure what, but something...

peace x

Its been a while...

2011-11-30T16:55:00.002Z

I had to actually look at my blog to see when I last posted, it was that long ago! So many things have happened and changed :s Where to begin... My and Angie broke up ages ago, I dont really care, shes a bitch! I tried the whole being friends after, but she was still trying to control me etc so Im ignoring her! Basically it went like this... Adam polish was coming back to the UK, and everyone was going into town to say hello and meet up etc, and everything was fine at first but they all decided to go smoke weed somewhere, so I was left at Bonn Square with Jebus. It was starting to rain, no one else was around, and we bumped into Gizmo, Rhiannon and Charlie. We all decided to go for a coffee, I text Angie telling her what I was doing, and it was nice to catch up with the girls. Afterwards I went back to Bonn Square and Angie had gone home, not telling me anything. Me and some of the guys decided to go to the pub, at this point I rang Angie, after realizing I had a dozen missed calls from her. She basically had a massive go at me. Anyway, I stayed at the pub, and got home around 10pm ish... After logging into facebook and seeing her online, I asked her what was happening and wanted an explanation for what happened, why she went off etc and had a go at me... Anywy she dumped me over facebook, I wasnt happy about it but I knew something was up anyway. What I havent mentioned is a week before she dumped me, Adam asked Demi back out, Demi said no. The day after he asked Angie out, and asked her to dump me for him... Coincidence? I think not. 3 days after her dumping me shes dating him. At this point, I couldnt care less. later, me and Angie tried being friends, just talking etc, but everytime we talked, she kept going on about how she didnt dump me, and how her getting with Adam had nothing to do with him asking her out, and she kept going on about how she was still in love with me. Mind fuck or what? She then decided to invite herself to Panda's birthday party, by then her and adam had broken up, she wasnt invited as panda and dotti hate her, and she decided to sit right in front of me with adam and kept flirting with him, acting like they hadnt broken up. I deleted her from FB that night. We then come to Isis' halloween party, which she was invited to, and which she got adam to come to. Her and Adam had a "heart-to-heart" in which she tried to get back with him, he said no. A minute later she tried getting back with me, and I said no. Then 30 seconds later she tried getting with a drunk 15 year old... Desperate much? Anyway, enough of all that...

Demi and mutley didnt last long together, shes now back with Flatz. Not sure if this is a good or a bad thing yet. Flatz has calmed down on the drinking which is a good thing, but demi never seems to go out anymore. She's always had the problem with putting her boyfriends before her friends, which I dont agree on, but oh well.

I still havent heard anything about my cancelled operation. My painkillers have stopped working and I spend most of my time in alot of pain. Im at my diabetic appointment next thursday so Im gonna see if they can do anything about it. I dont think anything will happen though. Gonna make a doctors appointment in the next week or two and get my GP to try to sort things out.

Ummm... Other news... Dom Finn and Rhiannon are back together. Wayne went on holiday for 2 weeks, in which the majority of the house has been redecorated with help from Jonathan. Ive upgraded my PC majorly with the money I got that was owed from my job at Mices. Krissy has moved back to Scotland. I payed off alot of my bills, still majorly in debt though. Think Im gonna sue the NHS for deglect. As for my depression... no comment! Its really bad, I cant stand to go out and see people any more, its that bad! Anyway... thats it really, at least, thats what I can remember! lol

Peace x

the last few months

2011-08-25T18:15:00.002+01:00

Yes, last May was my last post, and alot has happened since then... So where to begin? Well, to start with the ongoing medical problems. My operation that was planned for 1st July got moved back to 16th August as the consultant went on holiday. I had my pre-op in June and they got back to me saying that they wont operate unless my Hba1c (thats my overall diabetic control) was below 10% and currently it was 13.3% despite the fact that this is the lowest its been in a long long time. I got with my diabetic nurse and got my results down to 8.8% which is very impressive for me. I've also been doing all my bllods and injections etc. Im happy and its still improving! The problem being I rang the hospital on 15th August to find out what time i needed to be at the hospital for my op to only be told that they cancelled back in June after my pre-op. All I was told was I need to sort out my diabetes so they could do the op, I wasnt told it was cancelled. Im really not happy about this and have spent the last week trying to schedule a new op, have left countless phone messages but no one seems to be getting back in touch with me. I also admitted to my GP's nurse that Im depressed, not that I will accept any help, but at least they kinda know now, even if they dont realise just how bad it actually is. As for the heart murmur that was found, It turns out my heart is in perfect working condition, especially considering my medical history, that Im diabetic and a smoker as well. Anyway, enough about my medical history.

My birthday last July went ok, not many people showed up but it was fun. A little trouble in the Gloc concerning me having a birthday cake, but I think alot of that resulted in Flatz not liking me. We then went to PT for Mutiny. PT have decided to put raspberries in their sex on the beach, and me being me, and a bar manager and knowing my cocktails, I know that a sex on the beach DOES NOT contail raspberries. Anyway, this resulted in a trip to A&E as Angie had an alergic reaction! Wasnt the best ending to a birthday, but Im not going to complain, after all its only a birthday and at my age, with my depression, I just dont care about them any more. After all this, my "group" got barred from the Gloc as they think one of us brought our own alcohol into the pub. Considering two of us dont drink, one is dating a barman, and the other 4 are regulars and I was the one who went to the bar to buy all the drinks, its rubbish and again I think this all stemmed from Flatz not liking me, or any of Demi's Friends.

More on the Demi side of things, her and Flatz have broken up which Im really happy about, and she is now going out with Mutley! Its about fucking time! It was about a year ago they first met and both liked each other back then! Anyway Im happy for them both! Oh and also Flatz has lost his job at the Gloc. I havent drunk in there since my birthday, but I may start going back there again now!

In other random news Finn is moving away :( Im not sure why, but he's going back home I think. Also Polish is moving back to the Uk and should be in Oxford now. We lose one foreigner to gain another! lol Panda is dating Dotti which was a shock to me, and Kayleigh is dating Craig, which was another big shock. Especially seeing as Craig is now a dad and was engaged to Georgie. Not sure if he's even seeing his daughter.

Things with Angie are going well. We've had one or two arguements, but every relationship has arguements. Its been over three months now, and as much as I love her, Im not sure if it will last. Im getting to the point where Im feeling a bit fed up with it all, and dont get me wrong, I do really love her, but shes overly clingy and possesive. I also dont think she trusts me. One of her friends left a post saying she was feeling down, so I did my usual *huggles* as I do as a friend and she had a go at me, because her friend has some sort of crush on me. She says she trusts me, but doesnt trust her friend. If she really trusts me then it shouldnt bother her. Yeah her friend has a crush on me, but if she trusts me, she should know I wouldnt let anything happen. She also had a go at me today about how I didnt tell her that I was going to the Gloc tomorrow. I didnt say I was going to the Gloc tomorrow. I said if i was well enough, and could get some cash, then I may go for a bit. Not to mention that she was going to the Gloc anyway to see Polish. Bleh. Thats the other thing thats starting to annoy me. Shes really jealous of my friends, especially my female friends who just so happen to also be ex's. Like Megan etc. Yes shes an ex, but shes also my best friend, and Im not going to stop seeing megan just because Angie is jealous. Shes an ex, and it was a long time ago. Nothing will ever happen between us again. Angie expects me to stop flirting with everyone and to stop seeing certain people because I used to fancy them or date them etc, but she tells me that Polish asked her to dump me and go out with him recently, shes best friends with one of her ex's Adam, and there are other people who constantly flirt with her, and shes fine with all that. She cant expect me to stop doing something then be ok for her to do the exact thing she wants me to stop doing. Its all just getting a bit too much for me, and like Ive said, I do love her, but Im not sure if its going to last, and to be honest, Im not sure if i want it to. I wont even mention how annoying her sister is, or that her sister, whos older than angie, is a manipulating, controlling cow to angie and she cant even see it.

Im just ranting now, so Im gonna go and not play wow as my PC is being gay and crashes every time I play cos of some graphics card driver error that I cant fix :(

Yeah... this is all great for my depression, but its gotten that bad that I just dont really care any more! I need a break, to escape from everything and everyone, but being ill with no money, I cant fucking do that can I!

Peace

And todays tunage is...... Christina Perri - Arms

And her name is Angie

2011-05-21T19:13:00.002+01:00

So, I know lifes been shit recently, but that all changed last friday! Spent friday night at Gemma's and as per usual I couldnt sleep, so was on facebook on Gemma's laptop and started speaking to this girl Angie... We got on really well, and spent ages chatting! On saturday leah got picked up by her grandparents, then me, Gemma and Mikey all went to Portsmouth for the day! It was really nice to spend some time with them and to get away from all the shit in oxford! Even if it was only for the day!

Anyway... It comes time for us to start heading home, and of all places for this to happen... the battery in the car is totally dead! with no spare battery, no jump leads, or charger... there we are, stuck in portsmouth! It took us 2-3 hours for Mikey to walk around finding somewhere that was open, gone 6pm on a saturday, that sold jump leads, and to get someone to jumpstart us!Anyway, in the end we were off... Heading back to oxford after a great day! Just outside oxford what happens? Yeah, we break down again, and on the bypass this time! Luckily we were just outside oxford and Gemma got one of her friends to come and jumpstart us again! Gemma and Mikey were meant to be back in oxford, washed, changed and stuff and at the Harvester for a meal with friends by 8pm... We didnt get back into oxford until half 8, but Gemma's friends followed us back to gemma's, we parked up and jumped in their car, and went straight to the Harvester! Got there an hour late, but it was a good meal! And all this when I was skint! Thanks to Gemma for buying me dinner in portsmouth, and at the Harvester! Anyway, I ended up staying at Gemma's again that night as we didnt get back til about 11pm, and got Wig to pick me up in the morning!

Things between me and Angie got closer, etc... all kinda out of the blue for me. Angie admitted that she liked me and I liked her as well, and as of last monday (16th) we have been in a relationship! Its been unbelievable! I know Ive said I didnt want another relationship anytime soon after everything with Char, but I dunno, things just clicked into place with Angie. Its like it was meant to be, and i know that i fall in love really easily, but I think this is going to last a very long time! I havent felt like this in a long time! She's 25, 5foot 2, brown eyes, brown hair, slim, and utterly amazing. She's got an 8year old son, Josh, but shes been having some problems with seeing him etc... wont go into details. She's also a Beaver LEader at the 10th Marston, and is part of the Alpha Bible study group. Yeah, ok religion just isnt me, but Im happy, and I wouldnt change her for the world! I know its only been 5 days, but they've been the best 5 days Ive had in a long long time!

I just hope this relationship lasts! I couldnt cope with another "crash and burn". But we are taking it slow, despite how fast we got into the relationship. She stayed round mine last night, and it was amazing! We havent had sex yet, and if it was anyone else it may have bothered me, but it doesnt! It seems weird saying it, especially given my track record! But things will happen when they happen and im not about to rush her into anything!

In other news, the "post tomorrow" that never happened... Well, my MRI results didnt show a damn thing! The anomily that they saw was just a boil that i knew was there. So there was me worrying about cancer and the likes for nothing! It still doesnt answer the question of whats wrong with me, but Im going in for surgery some time soon so they can poke around and see if they can find anything! If they dont, well theres not much else they can do! I will be refered to a pain management specialist.

Lets see... what else has gone on? Well nothing much really! I have finally been paid, after 7 weeks with no money! Got all my bills paid and got my mobile back so thats good! Also brought myself a gaming keyboard which will be awesome once its arrived! May end up having to reformat my HDD as I have a self replicating worm :( Its a pain in the ass! Spybot gets rid of it, but it keeps showing its ugly head, and blocks all my internet, and since then, my internet speeds have been stupidly slow!

Thats it from me for now! A big shout out to the most amazing girlfriend in the world!

Angela Jane Cooper... I love you! Forever and a day!

Peace xXx

Grrrr

2011-05-10T00:18:00.001+01:00

Grrrrrrr....

That is all!

Post tomorrow, maybe!

yeah, I know!

2011-05-01T18:29:00.002+01:00

So Ive fallen back into the routine of not posting, yet again! Hey, it happens! There isnt really much to write about, except my stomachs been really really bad for the last 6 weeks or so! So bad that Ive had to go to A&E not that they did much. I also havent been into work in that time, and the job centre have stopped paying me which sucks. The medical questionaire that they sent me and I returned last Febuary never got back, so they now think Im fit for work. Ive been arguing this and have sent them another questionaire but with all the bank holidays, Im not looking at hearing back from them until the end of next week, at the earliest.

Just to clear things up from my last post, I havent slept with Char again, and we are still on speaking terms. Its kinda weird and Im not sure about the whole being friends dynamics, and how its working. But thats the case with the majority of people I used to call friends these days. I never hear from Demi anymore, Elly just doesnt speak to me anymore, and all the other people I used to be in regular contact with just dont speak as much. Im not saying its them ignoring me, and Im as much to blame, but they know im ill, the least they could do is ckeck every now and again to see if im still alive!

Been wondering and thinking about alot of things recently, especially the mistakes Ive made in the past. I know this line of thought doesnt help my depression, but at the moment I dont really care! But what went so terribly wrong between me and laura? Its her birthday today, and yeah I posted a happy birthday message on her facebook, but she seems to avoid me every time shes in a relationship and then is all friendly when shes single. Im glad shes happy with Patrick, her current boyfriend, and even if she doesnt speak to me, I still think about her alot. As long as shes happy, then Im fine with it. Then theres what happened between me and elly, and Ali, and that whole Birmingham thing... Just a few days ago I found some old emails and was reading through them and I liss those times, and yes I made some big mistakes and messed it all up, but I keep wondering what would happen if I did things differently back then? Of course, the main thought going through my head recently is to do with Char and this whole mess of what was / could of been a great relationship :s Im not saying I would get back with her, but I wonder what would of happened if things went differently.

Nothing much has really happened apart from not having any money and the stupid thoughts running through my head and being really really ill. Ive installed Jolicloud onto my laptop as they've now gone mainstream. I was part of the beta testing way back when, and they've made some really nice improvements, so I think I might stick with them! Oh, and Ive also spent some time cataloging my movies and are now all listed online! lol Still quite a bit of work to do with it, but its something to do when im bored! Gonna go now and try not to think so much!

Peace x

And todays tunage is...... Trapt - Headstrong

yeah....

2011-03-27T21:27:00.002+01:00

So, I really cant be fucked with anything anymore! A few major things have happened since I last posted, so will write about that, instead of going on about how numb and depressed I actually am!

Char got back in touch with me recently, and at first, it was good to speak to her again. I never wanted it all to end like it did, and I wanted to be friends, after everything we went through. She was round a few days ago, and we ended up sleeping together. I know, it shouldnt of happened. Yes I still have alot of feelings for her, but after everything... well... yeah! I regretted it the next day, not that I told her, or told anyone else what happened. Yes I love her, but no, it wasnt going to work, and thats mostly my own fault. I need to sort myself out, both physically, and mentally.

Ive also been speaking to Lauren alot more, and she appologized about everything she did to me. Which was a shock, but with everything going on recently, I forgave her a long time ago and moved on. It was all in the past! As of five minutes ago, Char has decided to stop waiting for me to make my mind up on the whole do we / dont we get back together thing. Im not sure how I feel about that :s But I'm really depressed at the moment, so will have to wait and see how I feel about it, after its all settled down!

Went into town yesterday, and caught up with everyone! Was the first time Ive been into town, properly, on a saturday, since before christmas. It was kinda fun, and the whole feeling scared of going out wasnt as bad as I thought it would be. Also went to the Gloc after town, and saw Demi, Eve and Charlie. Was fun, but it kinda felt weird... Me and Demi have drifted apart alot over the last month or so, and its not the same. Im not sure if its to do with me and my depression, or her being with Flatz, and her usual boyfriend comes first routine. Its proberly a bit of both really.

On a positive note, I ran into Janie yesterday! Havent seen her in forever, and was amazing to see her! Also been speaking to Lois alot recently, and its nice to just talk! Taking her out in two weeks for a meal, and then to the pub. Shes been feeling a bit down, and it should cheer us both up! So Im looking forward to that! Got work tomorrow morning, and work is going quite well! Not much else to report on really...

Gonna go bed with a good book, so Night x

randomness of depression

2011-03-10T21:24:00.002Z

So yeah, I havent been good recently. Going through stages of being totally numb, to totally emo depressed to being ok-ish. So whats happened in the last 6 weeks since my last post? Well, me and megan make a giant 2 foot cake for Lucy's 19th Birthday, spent 2 days at Megan's which was good fun! Think thats the only time, bar Demi's 21st, that Ive been out this year, properly anyway. My depressions gotten to the stage whereby I cant even face going out and seeing my friends any more :s I also keep going through stages of "I miss Char" and such... I know, I broke up with her thinking that I'd get better, which hasn't happened, but at least Im not hurting her anymore, and despite what she says, she means too much to me to put her through all the stuff I was going through.

As of the 28th Feb I've been back at work. It's helped me a little bit, but Im only doing 2 or 3 hours monday and friday mornings. Will hopefully be doing more hours soon. Once I've retrained and what not. Its nice to get out of the house, and the money will help alot!

Think I'm gonna try and get out this weekend and see some people I havent seen in forever! Krissy has moved back to oxford, and met up with her last friday, was good to see her again, and had a great time! But I really wanna meet up with everyone else, and as much as I know its just my depression thats stopping me from going out, that fear is still pretty real. I know I shouldnt let it effect me, but it does :(

Theres not much else happening at the moment. I've got a million and one thoughts running through my head, but trying to put them together and voice them is something else completely.

Demi's 21st

2011-02-20T00:58:00.002Z

So its Demi's 21st and Ive spent the best part of 6-7 hours in the Gloc helping her celebrate! you'd think I'd be happy... think again! Not only am I depressed anyway, but Char was there with Sam, then Elly turned up, and to top it all, Charlie. And Charlie is umm.. I'd say going out with, but its more like, sleeping around with, Churchy of all people. Now dont get me wrong... it was a good night, but having your ex, who doesn't want anything to do with you, an ex who your still madly in love with, and the girl you've fancied for god knows how long with her, for lack of a better word, boyfriend... It just tipped me over the edge on the depression scale! Now try explaining any of this to anyone, and trying to pretend your actually having a good time so as not to ruin it for demi... ontop of my already "worst depression since the miscarrage" state... it kinda sucks!

I really cant be fucked with any of it any more! Im fed up, want to end my life, and really dont give a fuck what anyone says! Fuck the promises I made, and fuck everyone who tries stopping me! I know, I proberly wont go through with it, but its how Im feeling at the moment! If I want to be all doom and gloom and morose about it all, then no ones gonna stop me!

On other news, been playing Rift... tis the next big competitor for WoW, and is actually really good! Not sure how much its gonna cost or anything yet, will have to wait and see, but the beta is going really well and i like the majority of it all! Oh, and Im back at work on the 28th Feb! so thats good news! Im hoping it will help with this stupid depression, but at the moment, I dont think that will even work!

Anyway... Im gonna curl up in bed with my book! Good night x

a few months later...

2011-02-12T09:49:00.002Z

so its been a while... and alot has happened, But Ive been serverly depressed and havent had the motivation to write any of it yet... so here goes!

Last november... fireworks and stuff... i was single... I still am, but i will get to that! The Linkin Park gig was totally awesome! Alot of their old stuff was played, and i saw LINKIN PARK!!!! my life long all time favourite band! Thing is, i wasnt in the mood for it! Yeah, at the time i was enjoying life, even with being single! But that afternoon, as i was walking through birmingham town centre I get a phone call from demi. One of my close friends Matt had been missing a few days, and I had demi crying on the phone... The police had found Matt that morning, dead, in a stream. You all know Im not one for crying, but i broke down. Ive known matt years, he was such a good friend, and wouldnt hurt a fly. I totally ruined the gigI still had a good time, but being stuck in birmingham, when everyone was back at home trying to come to terms with this news, i felt like i just couldnt do any thing. I had no one to turn to either. Ive lost a few people before, I know the whole grief thing, and the only person i had was demi, who was like matt's sister, crying her eyes out on the phone to me... so here starts the depression. I got back to oxford the day after, and the first thing i did was walk into the gloc, and have half a pint in Matt's honor! First drink in about 14 months!

Because of the suspicious nature of his death, the funeral took a lil longer then the usual week after the death thing, but by this time, 10 days later, I heard another friend, Trev, passed away. Both friends, in the same circle of friends, both younger then me... I was just... no... it cant be happening. By this point, I just didnt know what to do with myself :( I was also getting a cold as well, which made things worse. So we had matt's funeral, it was an amazing turnout... machine head - halo played him in, and there wasn't even standing space left outside! A week after, it was trev's funeral, which i was told was amazing, but my cold had gotten so bad i was bed ridden and couldnt make it :(

Enough of the gloom, it started my depression, and i still dont think I've grasped the whole of it and come to terms with it all. Christmas came and went without much fanfare. Didnt get much, what i did was shit, and really, its just another christmas and im not gonna prattle on about how i hate christmas. blah blah blah... New year on the other hand, epic! thats the only word to discribe it... Demi came round mine to drop of stuff as she was staying the night, then me and her went round to meet dom and Rhea! We all went to the gloc, had an amazing time, the photo's are all on my facebook! Got a taxi back to Rhea's and then me and Demi went back to mine, chatted a bit, and bed by 4am ish was a great time!

While all this happened, the day before new years eve, Char wanted to see me and talk... Talking, joking around, like we were friends again, led to other things, we ended up having sex, and yeah... I dont know why it happened... yes i did and still do have feelings for her, and yes i was missing the sex, but im not gonna explain myself to you all. Anyway, we ended up back together, it lasted a whole 5 days. Or roughly. My depression was pretty bad here and ive lost track of dates. Anyway, we've parted on pretty bad terms, not speaking, shes deleted me from facebook and msn, and it was her choice. I said i still wanted to be friends, it was me who ended it, with no chance of getting back together, but she decided to cut me out, which i understand. She was, or maybe still is, madly in love with me, and ive been there, so i know what shes going through. To be honest I dont really blaim her, i was a total idiot.

A while ago was speaking to laura, not the ex, the laura from that blind date i went on years and years ago... She said she likes me, and I liked her, but we werent going to get in a relationship because 1, I couldnt deal with that with all my problems and depression at the time, and 2, because last year she lost her partner, and father of her daughter. Im not sure how he passed away, and I wasnt about to start a convo about him, but she wanted to wait a while and take things slow... fine by me, until i find out a bit later, a mutual friend of ours also likes her, and after him saying that she dumped him, which didnt happen, he asked her out and she said no.. he then played the "im depressed now" card, and a week later, he's now posting that he's going out with her... and shes denying it... yet she spends weekends at his, and wants to move to live near him. Hmmmm... Both of them, along with some other people who have pissed me off recently have been deleted from my facebook. She's twice tried adding me back, but i just cant be bothered with any of it.

On the stomach pain front... I rang up about my MRI results... they were sent to the wrong consultant, and was told, after the receptionist of my consultant tracked them down, she said, off the record, they are all clear... I then get a letter from my consultant, after he's looked at them, saying there is a small anomily, which looks too small to be causing this pain but it will need to be looked at, so he's made an appointment to talk to me about what to do... thing is, this appointment is not until august! Not happy with that! Ringing them up, for a second time, to try to change it on monday! Also on monday, I have an appointment with work, to go back, my GP has signed me off saying i can work 2-3 hours a day, 1 or 2 days a week as and when i feel upto it, and work are happy to have me back and can adjust to what i need, so i will be doing stock checks and paperwork etc.

Ive also had my first appointment, my second is monday after my work appointment, with shaw trust, who deal with my benefits, they have said i can earn upto £90 a week and still get my benefits! Im also going to speak to them about getting my bar licence, and first aid qualifications, and maybe an SLI licence as well! all paid for by them, so that will be a great help!

The past two weeks, Ive been severely depressed, more so, greatly, then normal. I dont know why! I know Ive got alot going on, and lifes a bitch etc, but Im used to it, i should be able to deal with it all, but i cant! In the last 2 weeks, last night is the first time Ive been out to see friends and not to pop to the shop to buy cigarettes! Oh and to add to the depression, I only have £80 to last me 2 weeks, and £400 worth of bills that need to be paid in the next 3 days! ehhh... just had enough of it all! Lifes a bitch, my life is the bitches mother!

And todays tunage is...... Drowning Pool - Paralyzed

I AM CODE MONKEY!

2010-11-07T00:46:00.002Z

So, today was actually fun! Got to see my Demibear!!!! which is like, totally epic! went to the fireworks display in South Park with everyone, had a great time! Came home, started working on my website, updating all the stuff that ive been putting off for ages, and finally fixed my coding problem! been trying to fix it for about 12 hours, and its finally done! so big grtz to myself!!!! Not much left to do on the CV side of my site, just need to code up all my previous employers and the references!

Thursday Char came round, and I got my Linkin Park ticket! I seriously cant wait for that! and it will be good to be in Birmingham again, oh how i miss the place! On Thursday I also heard about my letter of complaint to the NHS and it got signed off on friday and i will hear something back the beginnning of next week! so thats good as well!

Lots of stuff happening this month! Got linkin park / Birmingham on the 9th-10th, Diabetic Appointment 11th, Tribunal for my Employment Support Allowence 15th, Eye hospital 17th, MRI scan 25th... and Im sure there will be other things in between!

Im off to watch Tron and cuddle up in bed now! and yes, the original Tron, not the new one!

Peace xxx

another post...

2010-11-01T13:52:00.002Z

So its been just over 2 weeks since me and Char have split up. I dont feel any better then I did, but at least I dont feel any worse, and Im not hurting anyone any more! We still speak etc, so its all ok! pent a weekend at Gemma's down in Eastboune, they have a really nice flat there and it was good for me to get away for a bit! I needed the change in scenery, and to get away from Oxford for a bit!

I've also had an appointment with a consultant about my stomach! Its finally getting somewhere! Spent a whole 2 hours with him, and he thinks i either have a hernia, or theres something wrong with the lining of my stomach! Ive got an MRI scan booked, and after, I will be having surgery. Mainly exploratory, but he said they will put in some mesh around my stomach to see if that helps!

As for the money situation! I finally have a date for my tibunal! The 15th November! Will be alot of fun walking in, showing a letter from my doctor saying im unfit for work, and walking out! The backdated extra pay will be nice as well! Will update later about it!

Things to look forward to? well, there's Panda's Pirate Birthday Party tonight at the Gloc, so that will be good! Then theres the Linkin Park gig on the 9th which will be totally fucking AWESOME! Really cant wait for that! Other then that, theres not much else to speak about! So...

Peace guys!

And todays tunage is...... Apocalyptica - Not Strong Enough Ft. Brent Smith

emotional without emotions

2010-10-16T15:09:00.002+01:00

So last night and today have been an emotional rollercoaster, as the saying goes, the problem is, my emotions have disappeared. I just feel numb. Me and char had a long conversation last night on msn, and she came round this morning. We've split up. It was my decision, and i think its for the better. For the last 2 or 3 months, I've been seperating myself from our relationship, kinda like, dulling down my feelings. It hasnt been intentional, its just, after all the fucked up relationships ive been in, its my safety net. As soon as i sense any sort of trouble, or a sign of an arguement, i bury myself, inside of myself, and basically shut down emotionally. Ive stopped loving her as much as i did when we first got together, and I know most of it is my fault. We've been arguing more and more, and ive been showing less and less of my emotions. As much as I do still have feelings for her, they arnt the same as when we started. I do still love her, but im not in love with her, if that makes any sense. Im still confused as to how and why Ive come to this conclusion, but Ive done it to one, not cause as much pain to charlotte when, a few months later, it does reach a boiling point, and hurt her even more then it did doing it today, and two, to save myself. This self destructive path of burying myself and closing down all my emotions, I dont want it to get worse, and tip me over the point of no return. I dont want to go there, and to save myself, so that one day, I may actually start to feel something, for char, or for someone else, I needed to save myself now. This year doesnt seem very good for relationships in general :S

In other news, I heard back from my complaint letter to the NHS, and they will get back to me within 25 days with a result, or more details. Not sure what is going to happen with any outcome I get, maybe they will pull their collective fingers out their arses! As for DWP, they are still paying me base rate, and Im waiting for the appeal, which wont be until febuary 2011 which sucks! all my bills are starting to add up again :s

Not in the mood for much talking now, so im off to play wow or something!

Peace x

And todays tunage is...... Candlebox - Breathe Me In

epicness of a long post....

2010-09-01T17:43:00.003+01:00

so.... Im really not in the mood today, everything seems to be messing with me! DWP have stopped my money, so im not even getting my Employment & Support Allowance! I've appealed against it, and will fight it, with the backing of my doctors, but in the mean time, im skint! I have £500 worth of bills to pay, with no way of paying them, let alone my mobile bills every month ontop of that, along with the "over-balance" charges / interest on my bills :( So with no money, im now having to rely on my nan for my cigarettes etc, and with the money I already owe her, going into the thousands of pounds figures, i really dont want to ask her for the £519.01 that i need to pay my bills and bring my accounts into balance. let alone, any more cigarettes ontop of that until i start getting money again!

I did go into my bank to ask for a loan, but as im still on my student account, i cannot ask for a loan, and i shouldnt be on my student account... The only way my bank would give me a loan would be for me to change back into a normal account, but I'd then have to pay a monthly fee for my overdraft, and start paying interest on it, which isnt a good idea, seeming as i owe alot as it is, and wouldnt be able to keep up the payments... so im sticking with the student account until i can sort it all out. Im thinking I'm going to speak to my nan and see what she thinks about me getting a £4000 loan to clear all my debts, which will pay off my overdraft, all my credit cards, and leave a bit for security. I dunno at the moment.

As for other things, stuff with Char isnt going so great at the moment. She's admitted that shes not eating as a form of self harm, which isnt good. I dunno what to do about that, shes not telling me why she would want to self harm :s She's always seeming down as well, and I know shes faking it when she looks happy. Im not sure if its me, or something else, and shes not about to say even if it was me. I know she loves me, but shes also complaining about every little thing i do, like today, we were chatting cos shes feeling down, and it makes a change for her to open up like this, but at least shes starting to talk about it! Anyway, i needed to go out with my nan, take her to the dentist, and then go do some shopping, so i told Char I would be back as soon as I could. I got ready and was waiting for my nan, and went on facebook quickly while she was finishing getting ready. Now Char texted me saying whiy was I on facebook, knowing she was feeling down and wanted to talk etc... I've received 2 more texts about how she thinks I dont care, and stuff... blah blah blah... and one text saying she still loves me! I then get home, and she wont talk about it now. This is the kind of "childishness" that i was talking about in previous posts, and I really dont need the hassle at the moment! I have way too much on my plate as it is!

I dunno what to do anymore, as much as I love her, this self-harming, and acting like a kid isnt the sort of relationship I want. Maybe its because of the age gap, maybe its because Im ill, and dont have the enegry I used to have, maybe its because she is only 17 and is actually still a kid, maybe its partly a mixure of all the above :s Im 26 now, and ill, and really cant be bothered with the stress of it all! Yeah, I love her to bits, and she means the world to me, but I dont know what to do anymore. I give up, Im just gonna let things run their course, and see where it goes. If we are meant to be together, then everything will work out, and if it doesnt? well, maybe being single for a while will be better for me? I really dont know what to do, and my depression is getting worse and worse, with all this ontop of "that time of year", Im gonna let things roll and see which direction it takes me in!

As with my stomach problems, Ive finally got an appointment at the hospital for a sigmoidoscopy. Whatever one of them is... At least its finally going somewhere! thats on the 18th September. I hope they find something, I'd rather know that I have some life threatening condition, then spend another year worrying whats wrong with me and not being able to do anything about it! Its about time the NHS, DWP, Hospital, and my doctors pulled their collective heads out of their arses!

Theres not much else to add, so heres the end of this long and overdue post! Peace to all! xXx

My 26th Birthday!

2010-07-13T23:58:00.002+01:00

So im 26 today, wow... how great... well, not really! Im finding it hard to explain how i feel today. Im happy, cos its my birthday, i have great friends, and I have Char in my life, but i feel really down and apathetic at the moment, and im trying to work out why :s Yeah, ok, some of it is my depression kicking in, and with being off work ill (yes, its been almost 11 months now) its starting to get ot me, and im seriously thinking about taking up my doctors offer on seeking professional help :s

I just dont know what to do with myself these days :( I mean, yes I have ways of coping with it all, the stress, the depression etc. I have Char, which helps alot, and i have my outlets like WoW and my poems, but thats not even helping these days. Im seriously considering ditching everything and disappearing for a while, but being sick, its just not gonna happen :( I cant afford my cigarettes, let alone my bills, so theres no chance of getting away for a bit :( Its not like I can afford to up and move or anything like i did last time i was this bad :( God I miss brum! I actually, if im honest with myself, worse then when i was when i moved to Birmingham, and as much as I wanna speak to someone about all this, I cant. I dont want to admit to someone, physically, that im this bad. I wanna hide it, and pretend theres nothing wrong with me, and act like im kinda sane!

Bleh, I dont know whats going on any more! My life is just a mess! Im gonna go bed and see how i feel tomorrow! I may just disappear for a few days or something when i get paid next weekend! Got an interview for my incapacity benefit tomorrow at the job centre, so will have to try and act like i havent totally lost it! hehe, fun times!

Good night world!

randomly random

2010-06-19T09:19:00.003+01:00

well, Download was great this year, despite the stupid tent, which took 2 1/2 hours to put up with 3 of us, besides the fact that I didnt have the space to actually put it up properly. The rain on wednesday night and sunday didnt help matters either, but overall, was a good time! I think what topped it all off was having Demi there and having the majority of the group camping together!

Got my Download Hoodie, which i think is slightly better then last years, and got Char a download necklace for our 3 month anniversary. Her birthday is on Tuesday and we are all going bowling then on to frankie & Benny's for dinner! Should be fun!

Oh, and I finally got some money for my incapactiy benefit! So bills are paid etc, and brought myself the new splintercell game! Its really good! hehe Now my money is sorted, and everything is A-OK i can finally sort my life out. Despite being ill, and constantly in pain, im not doing too bad! Theres not really much else to talk about... so i will leave it at that and go get ready to met Char and the gang!

Peace x

Preconceived thoughts?

2010-06-08T00:32:00.003+01:00

So, I know its been like 2 months, but ive umm... no, ok, Ive got no excuse! who cares? Anyway! Off to download again in 2 days! cant wait! this year is really gonna be good! Thje only down side is that me being sick, i have no money, what so ever, and yeah, I dont know how im gonna cope, but i will manage!

As with being ill, had a vertual colonoscopy which was inconclusive, so then, a month later had a full one, for which the docs turned round and didnt do due to some complication with the pre preps they gave me not working properly so another one is planned for some point in the future :S Work have also stopped my sick pay and trying to sort out incapacity benefit, or whatever its now called, but work lost my sick notes which i need to send off, so had to get copies of all them :S Anyway, its been posted now! so all good!

As for the title of this post... I umm... I really dont know... Me and charlotte have been going out 3 months this saturday, and yeah, its great, and yeah i love her to bits, but i sometimes think, what would it be like to date someone a bit older? a bit closer to my age? and i know its stupid thinking all this, and im just working myself up for no reason, and despite what she says, it proberly wont last forever, it never does. Her mom absolutly hates me, yet hasnt even met me, my nan hates her, and ok, my nan is old fashioned, and we were a bit loud one time having sex, which i can see her point, and Char does act immature sometimes, or rather, she acts her age, and not the age of someone i should be going out with. Maybe i should worry about her acting like a kid, because she still is a kid? I dunno... I keep seeing things that remind me of my past, of ex girlfriends, and wonder how it would of been if this or that didnt happen and was still with them? Especially when it comes to laura. I mean, what if she didnt miscarry? What if, right now, me and laura had our own place and a 2 year old kid? Im not gonna lie and say im glad where i am, cos sometimes i do wish i was there instead, but i wouldnt change anything. Things happen for a reason, and im not about to question those reasons even if i dont know the reason behind them.

Anyway, Im babbling on here, and i really should try to finish packing for download! Have the guys staying over tomorrow night and then david is driving us all up wednesday morning :p Really will be epic! plus im hopefully meeting up with kitty! which will be cool! hehehehe!

Peace out xxx

And todays tunage is...... Coheed & Cambria - This Shattered Symphony

techno babble green power stuff!

2010-04-12T23:45:00.002+01:00

A few points to make, after talking with some friends! Basically around the facts of humans havent evolved in the past 2500 years or so, and this planet is dying. Lets start with the latter point first.

Our forefathers runied this planet, starting with the industrial age, and the ongoing consumption of this planets natural resources like oil etc. Ok, I understand back in the industrial ages they didnt understand the total destruction and harm they were causing the planet, but these days? Everyone knows how much damage we are doing, so why continue doing it? especially when there are economical ways to prevent any more harm from happening. Solar panels, wind turbines, water turbines, geothermal... the list goes on, but you get my point. What im trying to say is this. People just dont care and are too lazy to do anything. When they first found out about the harm it was all causing the general view of it was, we are going to die before anything needs to be done, so let our children, or our children's children deal with it. The problem is, that time has come, and people still think like that. Ok, so the government is trying to do stuff like recycling etc, yet they all still drive around in their big gas guzzling land rovers and bentleys etc. I dont see anyone putting wind turbines up, or solar farms in the desert. Theres no one out there using oil substitutes, or cutting down on the packaging etc. anyway... i think its time the government pulled out some funds, all took a big pay cut and sorted it out!

Now for the more interesting subject of the human evolution. Humans havent evolved much over the last 3500 years, and its about time we started to if we are going to outlive the problems being thrown at us by this planet and mankinds inability to help our only planet. OK, so i know we aren't going to grow an extra limb or anything as drastic as that, but who's to say we can't evolve into something by our own means instead of through genetics. What im talking about is cybernetics. Its one of my favourite subjects. People already supliment missing limbs with prosthetic limbs so why isnt technology being involved? The technology is already out there, and with some careful research, I dont see why someone who's lost an eye should stay like that. Again its down to money and the willingness to try it, but why cant a cyber optic device, made to look like an eye, be implimented and hard wired into the brain, to not only give a person their sight back, but to also drastically improve it. A scientist at Reading university replaed a lost hand with a totally cybernetic hand, and it works so why isnt it being implimented in other places? Yes alot of trials need to be done, but i can picture us in the next 20 years or so with hard drives in our brain, bringing the gift of total recall of any image or memory we like, and then, this brings in on the fly internet access, with it being shown as a heads up display through our cybernet eye implants, and mobiles built in, with vocal pick ups on our throats and being able to store txt's and phone numbers on the hard drives in our head. Of course, this is mostly hyperthetical, and it all imposes a risk, once implemented of human hacking, and a whole new version of crime. Could I hack into your e-brain and download that video of you having sex with the neighbour while your wife is at work?

Anyway... thats enough of me today! Think about it!

Peace x

Wowzers

2010-04-10T22:27:00.002+01:00

On Monday it will be mine and Char's One Month Anniversary! Times just flown by, and im so damn happy being with her! It's like this was meant to happen, and we're gonna be together for the rest of our lifes. I know, I said a long time ago, that I'd never say that, and put my trust into another girlfriend again, but it's just different! Everything is perfect, no fights, no arguements, it's just amazing! yeah, we have our differences but we work it out, and without them, it would just get boring. I've finally met the rest of her friends, well, the ones I didnt know, and we all get along really well. It's about time someone like Char came into my life, and made me happy!

In other news, my stomach is FUCKING KILLING ME! Spent today and the last 2 days in so much damn pain! The pills do fuck all, my sleeping pattern is totally fucked, the docs still dont know what the hell is wrong with me, and I just cant take it any more! [/rant] Sorry bout that... Yeah, at least im finally seeing the specialist about it, not that he gave me any clear answers but I do have a virtual colonoscopy booked for the 20th, so I will hopefully get some answers from that! I will also be having the MRI at some point after that if it doesn't provide any clear answers.

In other news..... there really isnt any other news :s I havent been out much, my social life has crashed and burnt, the only friend that visits me is Char, although Megan does come round on occassion, but shes in South Africa atm. ummm.... yup... that it folks!

Peace x

And todays tunage is...... My guardian angel - Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

reminiscing

2010-03-12T04:20:00.002Z

Been going over old bebo posts, from like 2 years ago, and it was nice, in some ways, to see what I was like back then... ok, there were some bad memories as well, the "I love you" comments from Georgie for instance. But also when me and Charlotte first started speaking, the flirting with Faith and Matilda etc, the random comments and how my friends were actually friends etc and how I used to go out and have fun! Also looking at old photo's and noticing how much everyone, including myself, has changed over the years. I miss the old school Saturday lot, back from the HMV / Christ Church days, back in summer 2007. The way I could go out without Wig getting all moody etc. These days I cant even go down stairs without her moaning about something. life was a lot easier back then. Whats changed in the last 2 years to make things this way? It looks like this year we will actually have a summer, so Christ Church will be good! Anyway...

My and Charlotte have gotten together, its not official yet, but soon! i know i pissed her off last year, after using the excuse of the age gap, then getting with Lauren, who's the same age. But this time, I've accepted that I was scared, of the feelings I had, of how strong they were, and that they are the reason I pushed her away last year. Feeling that strongly for a person, after dodging relationships for the past few years, it scared me, and I didn't know what to do. Well I've accepted that now, and this will hopefully last a long time! The only problem we fae now is telling her parents, Wig, and our friends. My friends wont mind, and I don't care if they do. The reactions of her friends... well.... Seeming as her best friend, Heather, is Georgie's sister. I'm not sure what her reaction will be. Anyway, we are both really really happy, and nothing will split us apart, short of the world ending!

In other news, I have finally seen a specialist, and will know when my tests are, and have them done within 4 weeks. The colonoscopy is a no-go, and they are opting for a barium instead. Which is slightly better, Ive already had a barium on my small bowels, so I will know what to expect. After that, if there are no results, I will then be having the MRI. At least we are finally getting somewhere. After 7 months of this it is really starting to affect me mentally. With the lack of work, the pain, the cut in pay, and the lack of things to do, or the ability to do anything. I cant even have a pint at the pub on a Friday with the gang :(

I have also got my gaming mouse. I've got the new version 5 Saitek Cyborg. Really good, and have the extra buttons all mapped out for WoW. Next buy will be the Saitek Cyborg gaming keyboard. Just to add to the wow factor of playing WoW lol... Oh... also have a network cable switch, so I don't have to change plugs etc. With a router that only have 4 ports and 7 things that need to be plugged into the network, its a good investment. also brought a Motherboard diagnostic card. I plug it into a spare PCI slot, USB, or Printer port, and it tells me the error codes for the motherboard, that I can then look up! Will be great trying to work out whats wrong with all these PC's that I have been fixing recently.

Dont think there's much else going on at the moment. more later,

Peace

And todays tunage is...... BoysLikeGirls Ft. Taylor Swift - Two is better than one

DRAMA!

2010-02-18T14:42:00.002Z

Ok, so after the whole breaking up with Hayley, and getting back with Lauren... her saying she never wanted to leave me ever again... that was bollocks! Few days before Valentines Day, after i had spent £50 on her, she dumps me saying things arnt the same. Of course their not the same, she has a job, im ill, shes in a new house, she has new friends... Everything changes, you have to get used to that. Anyway, I was planning on getting back with Elly, we had some fun online, if you know what i mean... Planned on meeting in town last Saturday then we were gonna go back to mine. I was gonna ask her back out, and everything was going to be back to normal. I really do, and still... love her with all my heart. Yes, i moved on and had other girlfriends when we broke up last time, but nothing compares to her. She was like my soul partner. Anyway, got to town, and she was there, went to say hello and hugged, I then went to say hello to the others, I turn back to go see elly, and guess who shows up? Her ex, Trendell. Next thing I know, they are kissing and walking off together... Totally destroyed me. I sat around for a minute, to calm myself and went straight home. Ended up crying myself to sleep that night.

In other news, Demi got with Jam Jam, which is confusing, cos shes used the same excuse on me as she has on him in the past, which is "i see you more as a brother". So why? ut it looks like shes single again :s hmm... maybe I will have a chance? Seeing her tomorrow as its her 20th Birthday and a group of us are going to the Gloc. And it should be fun, I need cheering up anyway. Going to try and see Lauren tomorrow to get back my xbox controller and my injection, then i need to go to Hayley's to pick up my things and return hers.

All in all, i feel like shit, but im coping. I just dont like being single :s That may change, but i doubt it at the moment. At least I have my download ticket! hehe... And I get paid tomorrow!!!

Peace x

maybe its time to change!

2010-01-18T17:26:00.002Z

Right, first things first, I'm now single. I had enough of all the arguments, and it was getting me down, which didn't help with the depression anyway. I basically stopped feeling the way I did with Hayley. I cant really find the words to express what i truly feel about it all.

What I really need to do is to disappear, Birmingham anyone? A few years ago, my life was so much easier. I been reading some old stuff, and blog posts and stuff, looking at photo's etc. And they reminded me of what I really miss. Like a poem Ali wrote about me, and a photo of me in Birmingham with the girls, the good times i spent with Laura, and even before then, with Alison...

Well, things will be changing, Im back with Lauren, and she makes me feel so much better. Its ot official, at least, to the public, just yet. Want to leave some time to cool down from Hayley, cos i know what it would look like. But Lauren was the closest thing to sanity I have had in a while. Yeah, there are a few problems, but they can be sorted, and if it was perfect, it would probably annoy me. Like, shes so scared that i will turn out like her other, abusive boyfriends, and she should know me better then that. I couldn't harm her even if i wanted to! Then there's the obsessive texting, but i will work on that! hehe! see, most people would think the age is a problem, but i don't. I don't care, she is over 16, and we are both really happy together! so screw the world!

In other news, I'm meant to be scanning nans old photo's in, but they have disappeared :S cant find them anywhere... I have also sorted out WotLK, and will be getting a new one soon. As for hayley's necklace, i still haven't received it yet, and will ring them tomorrow!

Well.. my life is gonna be getting better now! i hope... lets just see how it all goes!

And todays tunage is...... Sick Puppies - Maybe

2010 already sucks!

2010-01-12T23:32:00.002Z

well, its 2010 and the year already sucks. I'll start with Christmas...

It actually wasnt that bad this year, I got a printer from Wig and Wayne, saying that, its a big, expensive professional printer, and from my mom I got £30. Hayley gave me a red glass dragon, and a necklace, which i love, and a few smaller things. I brought her a really nice expensive necklace, it's black, made from pewter with red Swarkovski diamonds on it. Called a "passion necklace", but the thing is, it was posted on the 23rd, and was meant to arrive the next day, and I still havent recieved it! I also fucked up on Waynes present, brought him some RAM for his PC, as he's been complaining about speed, but they sent RAM for a laptop instead. So i have to send that back, and its costing a small fortune. £30 for ram, £5 for postage, £10 to return it, and £35 for new ram. I will get a refund for the £30 i spent, after it gets returned but they were meant to send a courior to pick it up on the 28th, and they still havent come.

I have also brought 3 books, only 1 of which has arrived, still waiting on my calendar to arrive as well. But on the good side, i have a new mobile phone. Got a Samsung Tocco Ultra, on contract, really cheap, that only arrived 2 days late. Also recieved a check for some mobiles i sent away, so will have to put that in the bank tomorrow.

I have also brought the Wrath of the Lich King expansion for WoW. Thing is, i brought the £50 collectors edition, which cam with a dvd, soundtrack, playing cards, add-on pet, mouse mat, and art book. The problem is, that the game didn't come with the activation code i need. So waiting to hear about that as well. It really sucks, and i want to play it!

Now for the more recent news. Me and Hayley had another arguement, or rather, she's upset with me over something i never said. Shes got it in her head that i said shes not serious about our relationship. Which i didnt. i phoned her earlier to talk about it, and she was at Jen's, and started talking to Jen, wasting my phone bill, and then shouted at me cos i dazed while they had a convo at my expense... i then said that i couldnt hear her properly when shes having two convo's at the same time, and she hung up on me. The next thing i know, is she rings my house phone, speaks to my nan saying i yelled at her and for her to tell me to ring her when i stop yelling. :s I didnt yell at her!

I dont understand her sometimes, and all this on top of her, staving herself, cos she wants to be a size 8. I dont mind if she wants to loose weight, even if i dont wanna see her go down to a size 8, but staving yourself isnt the right way to do it. There's better, safer ways to diet. Instead of not eating for 5 whole days.

And on top of all this, I have Lauren trying to get back with me, or rather, shes stopped trying, and said she will wait for me, no matter how long it takes. And ok, i do miss lauren, but i also have feelings for Hayley, and this just adds to all the confusion in my life that i just dont need at the moment.

to top it all off, I saw the Doc on christmas eve, and am now on different meds, including anti-depressants, that are meant to make my brain think theres no pain, and to help me sleep, but they dont work, and the "pins and needles" keep getting worse. I had them for over 24 hours the other day! literally, only got 3 hours sleep cos they were that bad! Not that it is pins and needles, its like without the pins... a sharp stabbing jolt of pain, constantly, something like having hypothermia, and running your hands under cold water. That type of cold burning feeling.

To hell with it all, my life totally sucks at the moment! I just wanna curl up and die!

And todays tunage is...... Live - I walk the line

its NOT christmas!

2009-12-12T18:10:00.002Z

Bleh, I hate this time of year! Misspent youth, and terrible times around Christmas! When your 12 years old, and your father beats you up on Christmas eve because his car got bricked in by some kids who live up the road, it doesn't make Christmas much fun! Even this many years down the line! Especially with everything else going on! I havent posted recently, despite thinking about doing it constantly! Me and hayley had a fight last week, but its all sorted now, and i cant even remember what caused it! Anyway, things are all good now!

Still having stomach pains, and the Docs just arnt helping! today is really bad, and i slept for like 16 hours last night :s But i finally got my appointment for my endoscopy, three months late!

Doing well on WoW! Upto level 33 now, and love it! i really do think im addicted! Theres not much else to talk about really! Got half my Christmas shopping done, and not sure when i get paid next as my official pay date is Christmas day :S My nan and uncle Wayne have gone half's and brought me a decent printer for me, which is great. Its a massive box sat in my room atm, but im not allowed to use it yet :(

more later, as the Christmas Blues carry on!

And todays tunage is...... Age of Misrule - Filth Connoiseur

something, something, something...

2009-11-28T22:24:00.003Z

In a bleh kind of mood today! i should be happy, it is mine and Hayley's 1 month anniversary, and that's great but i feel really down! Went to go see her instead of painting the living room like i was meant to, but that can wait til tomorrow, and seeing Hayley made me happy, which is a big change for me. Especially this time of year... not going into that! im bad enough at the moment without having to talk about any of that!

I dunno... Im just fed up with being ill, and the doctors not having a clue about what is wrong with me, not working, cos i do actually miss it! not going into town on saturdays, the shit money im getting from sick pay! its less then a third of my usual 4 week pay! which means, i still havent decorated my room, still havent brought that hard drive, still havent got any clothes that fit me properly... and above all, in the last 4 or 5 days, ive also gained a stone and a half!

my life totally sucks, and without Hayley, i dont know what i'd do! i proberly wouldnt be here if it wasnt for her! but shes starting to get clingy. Which isnt bad in itself, but when im like this and want time to myself, and have my nan on my back about the decorating and stuff, and shes hanging on to me because she doesnt want me to leave when im already half an hour late... and she kept me for another half an hour doing that, I just dont know! Yeah i love her, she means the world to me, but i dont want to get into another clingy relationship, every time its happened its destroyed the relationship. and im not even going to mention those, you all know the deal.

Anyway, some good news for a change! Im loving WoW, despite hayley despising me even mentioning it, let alone playing it. But my Undead Mage is upto lvl 18, and on the verge of going to lvl 19! cant wait to get to 20, so i can get a mount! my blood elf rogue is upto lvl 13, but having been playing much with here recently.

Ive also done some of my christmas shopping, which leaves me a lil strapped for cash this month, but oh well. I brought wig a digital photo frame, which i hope she likes! Brought Ali a revision book that she wanted, and got Robin some books for his allotment! still need to buy Hayley her present, a passion necklace made from pewter with red Swarkovski diamonds on it, and a purple dragon that lights up. not sure what im getting Wayne yet, or tina, but apart from that, its only small bits and pieces in getting, for stacey and andrea, lewis cat and chris, and a few friends.

Will see when i get paid, seeming as my next pay date is technically on christmas day. hehe

Good night all!

happy times with alot of pain!

2009-11-07T20:40:00.003Z

Where to start? I have a girlfriend! She makes me so damn happy! I love you Hayley! Will have been with her for two weeks this Tuesday! I also have, finally, gotten my PC working again, problem is, i kept some of my backup on the hard drive with all my anime, and in the process of loading windows, the boot sector got loaded onto the wrong hard drive, and now my anime collection and some important backups of my work have now gone :( That's 250Gb of anime! I was almost in tears! But I do now have Windows XP Professional Multimedia Centre Black Edition with SP3

Megan came round last Friday, and has gotten me hooked on World of Warcraft. Only been playing the free 10 day trial, but have brought the "Battlechest" edition from game, and used my points, so only cost me a fiver! It comes with the first game, the Burning Crusades expansion and strategy guides for both. Should arrive on Monday! Also been playing a lot of Brutal Legend. Its a great game, especially with Jack Black and Ozzy Osborne.

Now, about the pain... I went back to the doctors last Wednesday, and I have been put back onto the Tramadol, and also on two different antibiotics. The antibiotics are for a boil that has appeared on my stomach, and is actually causing me more pain then my stomach has been. I've spent the last few days in agony but today is the worst its ever been. The pain killers aren't touching it, and i don't know what to do. The slightest of movements has me crippled on the floor in pain. At least my blood tests were OK, and my doc is chasing up the results from my MRI and finding out about my colonoscopy for me! Apart from that, I've been signed off for yet another two weeks (I've already had 10 weeks off :S) and have another appointment in two weeks time.

Back to playing Wow with my level 7 Undead mage called Oranosis

Peace xxx

Stupid locum doctor!

2009-10-27T16:00:00.002Z

Went to the doctors yesterday, for a number of reasons. But mainly because my sick note expires soon, I'm out of tramadol (one of my stronger painkillers) and new boils have appeared on my stomach. Problem is, I couldn't get an appointment with one of my usual doctors, and had to see a locum. Fine by me i though. A doctor is a doctor. But no! He not only started questioning me about things that have nothing to do with my illness, but also said that the pains weren't really there. right! I'm curled up in bed crying because of pains that don't exist! and with a high pain tolerance like mine, yeah, there's not really any pains! I've just been on some of the strongest pain killers, admitted to hospital twice, had my appendix removed, had an MRI and about to have a colonoscopy, because there's no pain! Not only that, he wouldn't give me any more tramadol, and almost didnt give me a sick note. Luckily he did give me a 2 week sick note, and i will be going back to see a normal doctor very very soon. I cant handle this pain I'm in! He also did nothing about the boil on my stomach, which i swear must be related to the other problems. The locum also started poking my stomach, which the other docs know hurts me, and he didnt go easy... and without telling me anything!

At least my blood results came back, and he did say they are all clear, which in one way is good, because there's no infection etc, but also bad, because it means there shouldn't be anything wrong with me, in which case, what the hell is causing this pain. Fuck knows whats going on!

Anyway... had good fun on sunday... a certain person came round to see me, and we had a lot of "fun" hehe... I wonder what will happen in the future. I like her, but after everything that's happened, i wonder how this one will turn out. Do i even want to try another realtionship at the moment? and how will this effect Charlotte? I know she likes me and i like her as well, just not enough to have a steady relationship! I will see. Also meant to be going down to see Kitty next monday, hopefully i will go, but not quite sure yet!

Will let ya know how things all go!

Peace xxx

really...why?

2009-10-20T23:34:00.002+01:00

Hey everyone...

I mean, no one. no one really reads this anyway, if they did they might care a bit more. I'm in a fed up, don't give a fuck type of mood at the moment. I'm still ill which is really pissing me off. I miss work! Anyway, I have absolutly fuck all to do. I've had enough of the xbox, got no films to watch, finished my book, and no one online to talk to. It's not even that late.

I ended up looking through my computer, and I really need to stop looking at certain photo's. It wouldn't be so bad if i could delete them, but the photographer inside me wont let me! And just now, i saw a photo online of a certain ex, and got me thinking, which isn't such a good idea in this state of mind. Elly is still jibing me about how much better Daniel is then me, which hurts, but I'm not gonna let it show! All the people in this world that i really care about are gone now. Everyone. Laura doesn't speak to me much anymore, Elly, well... that doesn't even need an explanation. But I'm still thinking about things as far back as Georgie, and Lauren keeps going through my mind. I've heard a few things, that set a few other things straight. Lets just say, her dumping me, and all that jazz, isn't a one off, it seems its in her nature to ruin relationships.

I really don't know what to do with myself at the moment. Everything in my life is so fucked up! At least i have one or two friends who still speak to me and visit me! Megan, Gemma and Emily. but everyone else? all those other people that i really cared about, all those people who have caused my life to be like this? well screw them!

Oh, Im also modding my xbox, photo's will be up soon on my facebook! anyway, im out

Peace xx

close my eyes...

2009-10-05T12:18:00.002+01:00

The meeting with Lauren never went to plan! i went into town to met her, and nothing, at all, she blanked me! Its a long complicated story after this, but basically, she said it was all a lie, and she wanted her boyfriend more then me. Her boyfriend started in on our facebook convo, and started asking for prove that Lauren said what she said, so i pasted all the messages she sent me! I don't care! I've now blocked / deleted her on msn, facebook etc! I was upset when all this happened, but i feel better now!

Charlotte is speaking to me again, she can never stay mad at someone for long! Which I'm happy about. Even if things don't go back to how they were, and even if we don't start dating, shes a good friend! I've also spoken to Alison! Yes, THAT Alison! the one from way back when... it was a good convo, we chatted about what happened, or at least, in part. It felt like we cleared the air. Anyway, I'm glad shes happy now, shes engaged and has a beautiful 3 year old daughter!

Not much else has happened recently. I finally got my bar equipment! yay! Completed Halo: ODST last night, its a good game, but the ending was a let down. I didn't feel the game was long enough. And you cant play online like you can in Halo 3. You can only play with friends! Oh, and the doctor signed me off work for another four weeks! I just wish they could find out whats wrong with me and sort it already! I'm missing work, and the money!

more later! Peace xxx

And todays tunage is...... Shinedown - 45 (acoustic)

that time in your life...

2009-09-30T02:22:00.002+01:00

In sat here, like I've been for the past few days, trying to find the right words to put down, how to express all these fucked up feelings i have at the moment, into actual words. The problem is, I cant do it, What I'm gonna write now doesn't equate to even 1% of my actual feelings, and emotions I've been having over the last few days.

OK, so we all know when / how Lauren Dumped me, and i mentioned a fling with Elly, it lasted a whole weekend, until she got back with Daniel, and to be honest, Yes I love her, but it would never work out, and I was probably just relapsing from the loss of Lauren, I don't really know. Things got really complicated between me and Elly, and I hurt her, and I'm sorry for what happened between us in the past, but I wont go into the full story... Its all written here anyway. I've also patched things up with Charlotte, or did, anyway. That's all gone south now as well, more on that later.

I'm gonna start with the whole Lauren thing right now. Yes, 3 weeks ago, she broke up with me, and it broke my heart, for her to say what she did, then start dating again so soon after? It tore me to pieces, I just didn't know what to do with myself. Believe it or not, that pain was worse then a bad day with my stomach pains. And then to see her telling her new boyfriend how she feels for him, using the exact lines she used on me. I was near on suicidal and was actually, seriously planning another disappearing trip, maybe not as long as the last one, i cant really afford to disappear for a year this time!

Thing is, I got home from hospital this morning (more on that after this) and fell to sleep, woke up, and decided to start moving, and came upstairs and went online, Emily asked me to unblock Lauren to speak to her, along with quite a few facebook messages saying shes sorry etc and wanting to talk. I actually cried while replying to one of her facebook messages. I then decided, OK I'll unblock her and chat. And we had a long discussion, and she told me how she made a terrible mistake, and was scared and that she loved me still. Now the thing is, I still love her, with all the pieces of my broken shattered heart, but is it enough to take her back? What happens if she gets "scared" again? And what about her boyfriend? She said she still loves him too, is this gonna end up like a Georgie thing? I want her back so damn much, but I've been heart broken one too many times already, and I dont think I could handle another one just quite yet. Do I risk it and gamble my emotional self, or try to move on? Ive had a few girlfriends in the past, and each one of them means something, in a different way to me. But really, for someone to come along and for me to fall in love with like this, it doesnt happen that often. Well, its happened three times... Alison, Laura and Elly. Lauren would be the forth, in the sense that she has actually taken my breath away, its too hard to explain in words. And I know some of my ex's will be reading this, and I loved them, in ways, and I wouldn't of changed the experiences Ive had for anything. But bleh...

Anyway in doing all this, i happened to mention it to Charlotte, and now she isnt speaking to me, because she wanted to patch things up with me and stuff. She says I used her and in a way, looking back on it, yeah, I can see how she would see that. But Lauren has costed me a friendship, and I know, friends should come before relationships, but Lauren means THAT much to me. I'm gonna meet Lauren tomorrow hopefully. Then I can speak to her, properly, and decide on what to do.

Now, hospital. Went in today, and no, it wasn't just a normal MRI scan. The stuck a tube in my nose, that went down my throat, into my stomach, and all the way to my lower intestine. It felt terrible, and I kept gagging. Anyway, the got the tube in, then inserted a metal rod into the tube to help direct it a bit, just to make sure it was in the right place, then after removing that, a chemical got pushed through the tube, into my lower intestines. They took a few x-rays, removed the tube, i waited ten minutes, they took some more, then I got a nice half hour break, told to drink water, then went back in and they took some more x-rays. all dreadfully boring, and I still feel like I have a tube at the back of my throat. Its a weird feeling. But yeah, the scans seemed fine, but will be analyzed, and I should know something in about 2 weeks.

Gonna try and get some sleep now, wanna wake up early, and phone the docs to get some more pain killers, and yet another sick note.

Peace xxx

2009-09-18T20:20:00.002+01:00

well, how wonderful! we all know the doctors messed it up when they thought it was my appendix, well last tuesday i got rushed back into hospital, the pain was THAT bad. They still cant work out what is wrong with me. Had an ultrasound and everything looks ok. No ulcers, no fluid, kidneys are fine, gall bladder is fine, hernia is fine. They were talking about genetic diseases and mentioned Crohn's disease...

Anyway, released yesterday, with yet another month off work, and a battery of tests to go through. Cameras, MRI's and a dozen other scans... im hoping they can find out whats wrong with me! I cant stand this pain! and the tramadol they have given me doesn't work, it just makes me tired! At least in the hospital i was on morphine, and it knocked me out so i didn't feel the pain.

More later, when i figure out anything!

Peace xxx

like it was before?

2009-09-11T23:30:00.002+01:00

ok, so yesterday, Lauren broke up with me. Her excuse was that with college, and my work she would never have the time to see me, and to save all the heart ache, she would rather end it now. Ok so its kinda a pathetic excuse. but its over. I know know... im just confused at the moment, and Ive kinda hooked back up with one of my ex's. We arnt dating again, but things are back to how they were before... i think, i dont know, its all confusing. Im just gonna see how things go.

I dont really wanna rush anything at the moment. I wanna take my time and see how things go. Meeting this ex tomorrow, and going to emily's house warming party in the evening. So that will be fun.

I ended up going back to the doctor today, and have got some new meds that will hopefully help with the pains. Apparently they are just post op, it seems like when they operated on me, all the bumps and what not have messed around with my insides, and its just taking a lil longer then normal for everything to get back into place etc.

Back to work on tuesday, so hopefully im all better by then! ohh... ive also got the new guitar hero 5 game, it came out today!

Im off to bed now! so peace xxx

feeling down

2009-09-10T01:43:00.002+01:00

Bleh... where to start... I dont know why, but im feeling really down right now! nothings really happened to make me feel like this, so its stupid really. Ok, so everything is going on ok between me and lauren at the moment. Its been almost 2 months, and we've had our arguements, but i love her so damn much! I just been thinking back on old memories, and its depressing, so i really should stop, but i keep thinking what if this happened or what if that happened...

I also just found out a friend i like has got a new girlfriend, and im happy for them! but ive also come across some old emails from a certain person... not mentioning names... and the things we had, how it was between us, yet nothing happened... and i keep asking myself what if it did? everything is so confusing at the moment.

Id mention more but it would just make me think about it even more, and i dont want to! I want to be happy with lauren! but remembering the old times, ive had with girls that never actually turned into anything, and the things that could of happened, if i was still single right now... its hard to explain but i know what i mean! or at least i think i do!

I'm confused and depressed, and cant be bothered with this pathetic excuse of a life any more! i know, i know... i wont! but still... why cant everything be normal? Everyone seems so happy with their lifes, relationships and everything, then theres me who fucks everything up so easily. I just want to have a normal life.

anyway... going to the docs on friday, cos the pain from my op hasnt gone away, and it should have by now! meant to be back at work on tuesday! I also ordered some new bar stuff for myself, should arrive soon ish! that will cheer me up!

Peace xx

a hospital visit...

2009-09-02T16:31:00.002+01:00

OK so Ive had an upset stomach for the past week, but on saturday I woke up with the runs, and was doubled up in pain, so i phoned work and told them i couldnt come in. Thinking i would be better, i left it at that. But Sunday morning came, and I was no better, my nan forced me to finally ring the doctors and I went down at 5pm and got looked over. By 7pm I was in hospital. Apparently it was my appendix, and monday morning I had an opperation to have it removed. I dont remember a thing about the op itself, as I was out cold, but it all went well from what i was told. And it was all done via keyhole surgery. So no major scars. Only problem now is that Im still doubled over in pain. Was on paracetamol, tramadol and morphene while i was in the hospital, and now im home they hae changed the morphene for Dicofenac. Of course Im still in alot of pain, been told to take 2 weeks off work, and Im not allowed to do any heavy lifting or staining. So Im laid on the sofa taking it easy!

A few minor problems, one, is my nan has tidied my bedroom, and gone through my top drawer! The one she says is always private and she would never look through! She's binned half a packet of my shortcake, a whole pack of bourbons and a £10 bag of cinnimon jelly beans which i cant buy here :( Im also gonna have a major paycut because of the sick pay! Going from £250 week to something like £60 a week is gonna be tough!

Anyway, for the good news, Im taking Lauren upto blackpool during half term, for a few days, she's never seen the lights and i havent seen them in years, so that will be fun, and I will get to see Demi since shes moved up that way, and me and Lauren get to spend some quality time alone, together!!! I really do love her to bits! and wish i could spend more time with her!

Gonna go let the tramadol knock me out again now, before dinner!

Peace xxx

anyone want a barman?

2009-08-26T19:41:00.002+01:00

Work have decided to opt for a no smoking policy... me? no smoking? mwahahahahaha LIKE FUCK! can any of you see me going 5 hours without a cigarette? I get bad after 3 hours, let alone any longer! Today was terrible! 3 1/2 hours either side of my break today, and by 5:30 (half an hour before i finish) i was literally in a state! Talking to myself, pains in my stomach which i swear are withdrawal symptoms, and snapping at everyone. Especially Martina, who's being a bitch at the moment. Shes on her power trip cos she thinks shes in charge because Nathan is managing the pub in Banbury, and ok, yeah shes a supervisor, but it doesn't mean she can be the all controlling bitch she is. Even if shes rota'ed herself to do 5 AFD's in a row to cover Nathan, and she hasn't had that much sleep. Ive said i don't mind doing some, and I am signed off to do management shifts there. But no, she wont have it, she has to be the all-powerful one. Its getting so bad that we have run out of stock because she hasn't ordered it, she told me we ran out of ketchup, and yet I find a box in the cupboard, Shes moaning left right and centre because she didn't get her one hour break this morning, yet when i told her i didn't get mine last week, she told me its tough and all part of being a manager. Well screw her! I even had Cassie ask me when Nathans going to be back to managing the pub because theres a few members of staff getting pissed off with her. Well... Rant over.

Been with Lauren over 6 weeks now, and its great! I love her to bits, even if she thinks i don't, and she believes that I will leave her. Well I'm not going to. She makes me so god damn happy. I really do want to spend the rest of my life with her. I'm planning on going upto Blackpool with her during half term, to see the lights, and to visit Demi, as shes moved up that way with her new boyfriend AJ.

There isn't really much more to talk about! I'm enjoying my new 26 inch High Def Flat Screen TV come computer monitor! Great for my Xbox and watching films on!

More later, as it happens!

Peace x

And todays tunage is...... earshot - Someone

all that lovey dovey stuff....

2009-08-10T15:00:00.002+01:00

Lauren asked me yesterday if i loved any of my exs more then i love her at the moment, and im not about to lie to her and told her i did! In a sense its true, I love Laura more then anything, including Lauren (at least for now) in this world! I know what this is starting to sound like, saying you love you ex more then your current girlfriend, but me and laura did go through alot, and Im not about to throw all that away and forget about it. It was a different type of love between me and laura, and i know your reading this lauren, so no tears please, im writing this so you understand it better. This is all too had to actually put into words and speak about...

What me and laura had was magical, but the defining word there is "WAS". What we had will never ever happen again, even between me and lauren. I mean, laura is the one who i lost my virginity with, she was there for me in some very hard times, and she helped me make me who i am. Along with the pregnancy and the miscarrage, It made it something. That sort of love is totally different to the sort of love that me and lauren have. For me at least, the love i have for lauren is more like, heart taken away, and given to her.... rather then the she helped me, we loved and lost together type of love that me and laura had.

In some ways i do love lauren more then i loved laura, like the way i can just sit there and look at lauren, despite her not liking it, hehe... and the way lauren hugs me, and kisses me, etc... me and laura didnt have that, well... not for the entirity of our relationship. Its two totally diferent types of love, and trying to say which one is more or less powerful is hard for me to do.

I hope this explains everything for lauren, and its helped me clear my head a bit!

In other news, we did the deep clean at work last night, got home around 5am this morning, and im about to go to work to do my "management" shift, whereby im gonna sit on my ass, and mess around on my laptop while i let the others get on with it! hehehehe

Will write soon!

Peace

Yay...

2009-08-09T01:10:00.004+01:00

So... on i continue, Laid in bed with lauren next to me! Happy as larry! Work actually gave me a saturday off as well! so all is good!

Yeah, its been a while since my last post... almost a month, but not much has really changed! Thursday will be Lauren and mine's one month aniversary... no, im not mentioning anything else... lmfao :p

work wise, Ive also had the "official" notice that Ive been accepted for the management training. And on sunday evening we are finally deep cleaning the kitchen! Its about fucking time!

More about Lauren... I know shes reading this... hahaha... I love her more then ever.. I really do believe that i will be with her for the rest of my life!

Also had my first full pay check from work! even though im still on emergancy tax, its was a decent amount, and i was able to fork out £250 for my new 26" HD tv / computer monitor. will let you know how good it actually is after delivery on tuesday!!!

Even more about Lauren... I FUCKING LOVE HER!!!!!!!!!!

Peace!

not single!

2009-07-14T00:03:00.002+01:00

okok... shush, all of you!

Yes, today is my 25th birthday, and yes i know im even older, even though im old anyway! and no Elly, im not 90 years old today! I dont really care! theres only one important thing about today, and its not me getting older!

Its me being able to say i have the cutest, most beautiful, funny, caring girlfriend in the world! Lauren! hehe! I havent known her that long, and for me to move this quickly into a relationship is saying something! But its magical! its hard to explain in words, but its like all my depression, pains, and torment just disappear when im near her! just looking at her puts a smile on my face, and i havent been this happy in such a long time! The way she cuddles me, resting her head on my chest, her eyes looking up at me with that smile of hers... just makes me melt! and just after we kiss, she has this lil grin on her face and her eyes brighten slightly... its so god damn cute! Then theres the way she tries to tickle me, without me knowing, and she giggles, and oh my fucking god... lol

Im gonna shut up now! Ive had my two days off work, yesterday, i went for a meal with megan, ali and ben, in Rosie's, and i was quite impressed! it wasnt actually that bad! me and megan spent most of it discussing the food, and our pub! lmfao

and today ive spent all day with lauren! lol For some reason, i think theres gonna be alot of posts about her... lol... gonna go bed now! doing two AFD's in a row tomorrow and wednesday!

Peace...

Love you Lauren! xxxxx

just a quicky!

2009-06-25T10:58:00.002+01:00

Just a quick post today! Work is going better then expected! I was shown, yesterday, how to open up, and do the stock takes! and all on my third day! Got today off, so i've spent the morning cleaning my room etc. Going to the farm to pick up food for tina's wedding on saturday! then I have Panda coming round. Not a bad day all in all. I miss my special girl, but hoping to see her saturday or sunday! Im still not sure if I should go out with her or not1 with the age gap, and the reaction of my friends, family, her friends and family etc, will it work? I suppose i already know the answer to that one! After dating younger girls in the past, and it never ever working, will this one really work? yeah i know theres always exceptions to the rules, and shes "legal" so why should it matter? but shes not about to tell her family, and theres not a chance in hell that im about to tell wig! So yeah, i dont know :S

I do like her, but im not sure if i like her enough. There are other girls out there that have caught my eye, and they are closer to my age as well! and what with working 50 hours a week now, its not like i have the time to settle down into a relationship! Im just gonna see how things go! but anyway... Work is fun, i like it, and Nathan, the manager, seems like a nice guy!

so all in all, im good! hehe, despite having no money, or coke, or cigarettes!

Peace xxx

I dont understand people!

2009-06-20T00:30:00.003+01:00

Thursday I met up with Rahim, and we went to the Britannia, the pub im meant to be getting a job at, thanks to rahim! Met Nathan, the new general manager, and he seems like a nice guy, and he wants me to start on monday at 11am!

Today wasn't that bad! Woke up at a resonable time, went into town, and met demi and hayley and J...and others.... Went to buy a pair of slacks for work, traded some games in, and went to Rosie's... which is now called the Dukes Cut. Met James, and had a look around. Im very impressed wth it, the final look of it all is so much improved to how it used to be! Went back at 3pm and met ron and cath there, and had a nice long chat!

I then met up with the guys again, and was convinced by demi to come to jam jam's for lotta's birthday party! So I rang my nan and told her i was going to be late etc and walked to blackbird leys with demi and hayley. At this point i should mention that theres a thing going on between demi and churchy. Nothing has happened, but she keeps going on about how much she likes him, and he lkes her as well, and churchy and gizmo may not last that much longer! and gizmo needs to speak to churchy about something important that happened at download, and everyone thinks that she cheated on churchy. anyway...

Later on at the party, finn dom and demi disappear, and when they show their faces, they are going back out with each other :S so god knows whats going on with her, and if churchy dumps gizmo for demi then fnds out that demi is back with dom, its really gonna hurt him! Kayleigh was also there, and even though she knows i love her so much, and shes going out with jo, she spent most of the night making out with panda! so much so, that when i said good bye and panda asked for his good bye hug, kayleigh just blanked me and went back to kissing him! which pissed me off even more! J is also now going out with nick, and yeah i like her, but im not that fused about it! Amber is also now with Paul, and not that paul is rubbing it in my face, but amber is certainly having a good go at it! She always leaves if shes in the same room as me, and if pauls there and she see's me, she grabs him and kisses him in front of me! i just dont understand people any more, its like, am i the only person left in the saturday group with any sense of morals?

I just feel depressed now, but at least i got a "friend" to cheer me up! hehe... i wouldnt say im madly in love with her, i wouldnt want to even think about my motions at the moment! What with still being in love with elly, missing laura, yet having feelings for this "friend" and not knowing what to do about it! Im going to sleep on it, and think things through! its al so damn confusing!

And todays tunage is...... skillet - will you be there

the epicness of download

2009-06-16T21:16:00.002+01:00

FUCKING EPIC! thats all there is to it really! A whole 5 days away from home, away from Oxford, and all the troubles that come with it! not only were the bands amazing, it also gave me alot of time to think about things, and I dont usually have time for that! I basically followed my timeline for gigs, saw a few other bands as well, but missed Trivium and def leppard on the sunday evening.

The main highlight though was watching Shinedown. They sung 45, and i literally cried! I know i know... Its one of my all time favourite songs, and it was so amazing! Other highlights of the weekend were seeing staind, this city, fall from grace, slipknot, and papa roach. Brought a wallet, mug, hoodie and bandana as momento's as well! Also got a really good tan, which is a supprise for me! lol I usually keep a slight tan all year round, but this is a proper full blown tan!

Didnt end up camping with the guys, and apart from wednesday and friday I didnt really see kayleigh, nick, woodzy, gizmo, bethany, dom etc. Will post pics when i get a chance to facebook, bebo, myspaz etc. Camped with some really cool people, Bea, Steph, McKenna, Jamie, Welshy, Scottish... and a few who i cant remember. Also spending 5 days camping with ALi was fun, despite waking up at 2am to walk her to the toilets lol. Which i dont really mind, she seemed to think she was annoying me, and she totally wasnt, I wouldnt of chosen to spend the week with anyone else!

As to the "Ali" thing, Nothing happened! And yeah, I wont deny the temptation wasnt there, cos it was, but i didnt let anything happen, and i was a good boy! lol! But spending all that time with her, and the chats we had, especially the one about elly... It really did start me thinking why I even ended it with Elly. I still love her, more then anything, and yeah it hasnt stopped me from seeing other girls, but i always end up comparing them to Elly. Damn me for having fucked up emotions! I just wish everything was easier to cope with! Enough of that, not going to dwell on the past. Whats happened has happened!

Tomorrow Ive got my first dentist appointment in 9/10 years, so that will be interesting, and also need to ring up about that job at the Britannia, as I still havent heard from them yet! And I really need to start working, as I havent got a penny to my name! Im also out of cigarettes, and actually smoking roll ups atm! ehhhhh nasty things!

Nothing else to report really, life sucks as per usual, but at least im trying to have some fun while its so bad! Peace

And todays tunage is...... Shinedown - 45

download fest!!!!

2009-06-08T01:31:00.002+01:00

Really cant wiat until Wednesday when i go to download! 5 whole days of muddy, metal headed camping! Im actually hoping the weather will be somewhat better then the last few days! But who cares, its five days away from home, and theres quite a few friends going! Me and Ali are sharing a tent, which may seem somewhat dangerous, especially after what happened when we went to Birmingham, but i promise to behave myself, at least, to a certain extent! We also have big Dom, Nick, Woodzy, Kayleigh & Jo, Liv and Gizmo are all going, with the possibility of a few others who I have forgotten. All in all, it will be alot of fun! We all (for the most part) are planning on camping all together, and Nick is bringing a gazebo which i plan to put up in the middle of all our tents. If i have my way, I will also be doing a bbq for everyone on the wednesday evening after all the tents are pitched etc. Still need to buy food and alcohol for it tho, but going to the base on tuesday, so will hopefully get wig to buy the stuff i need! Will also need spending money, but i will cope!

They have finally put the times onto the line up list, and have, with some expected changes, written up my preferred line up as to who i want to see...

friday

In this moment 13:45-14:10 2nd Stage
Staind 14:40-15:15 Main
Killswitch Engage 16:35-17-15 Main
Bring me the horizon 17:00-17:35 2nd Stage
limp bizkit 17:45-18:45 Main
korn 19:15-20:30 Main
Motley Crue 20:35-21:45 2nd Stage

Saturday

Static-X 15:25-16:05 2nd Stage
Dragonforce 16:20-17:10 Main
You me at six 17:40-18:30 2nd Stage
This city 20:30-21:00 Bedroom Jam
Slipknot 21:05-22:50 Main

Sunday

Fall from grace 11:00-11:25 Bedroom Jam
Black Stone Cherry 13:25-14:05 Main
Journey 14:30-15:10 Main
Dream Theater 15:35-16:25 Main
Shinedown 16:40-17:10 2nd Stage
zz top 16:55-18:05 Main
Whitesnake 18:35-20:05 Main
Papa Roach 19:20-20:05 2nd Stage
Trivium 20:35-21:45 2nd Stage
Def Leppard 20:45-22:30 Main

Saturday seems like its going to be a fairly quiet day, quiet being the wrong word going to a big metal festival with loud music and such, but you get the drift. Sunday will be drastic, theres quite a few bands that overlap with timing etc and im still in two minds as to which ones to see.

This is the biggest highlight of my life, honestly, I havent been this anxious about anything this big. It really will be epic! Its also my first big festival.

In other news, I still havent heard back from the Britannia about the job. Ive heard, via Rahim, the the area manager has said yes to me having the job, but I suppose they are waiting for the new general manager to start on the 16th before getting me in. They also know that I have Download booked as a holiday, so proberly dont want me to start, work 2 days then take a week off on holiday, to come back to new management etc. Will give them a ring if i havent heard anything by the time I get back!

I'm also monitorless... (i just invented that word, shut up) thats right, my nice big 21 inch widescreen went bye bye and to the electro heaven. It recignizes that my computer gets turned on, and comes out of stand by, but the screen stays black. Maybe its cos throughout the 3 or 4 years that ive owned it, its only spent about a week actually turned off! Been looking around at prices and stuff, and can get a nice 26 inch for about £150 so maybe its time to start hinting at birthday presents etc.

in other random new, nothing much else is really going on. Im missing the last "friday gathering" at beths, as they are moving out on the 16th. That seems to be a really busy date. Will pop round when i get back from download just to say goodbye to everyone, but they are still staying in oxford, so its not really goodbye. Im still single, got two girls who want to go out with me, and we all know what im like for making my mind up on something. I like them both, and dont know what to do! One of them isnt pushing it, but the other keeps asking me out, and I've said no, at least, in the respect that i wont date anyone until after download but i cant keep saying no, and making up excuses, i need to sort something out. Been watching a ton of anime again, and downloading quite a bit. hehehe... Thats it for now, proberly wont post again til after download, so keep tuned kiddies!

Peace xxx

this and that

2009-05-26T23:34:00.002+01:00

Lots of stuff has happened recently so I will start from the beginning! The closing down party was good fun, although it wasnt very busy! Saw Imogen which was good fun! Everyone convinced me to go out after the pub closed, and Imogen was going so i didnt say no... lol... Had way too much to drink, and ended up going to Imogen's, with Ron and Andy. From that moment on, things get hazy. I remember sitting down on her sofa and thats about it! apparently I threw up in her living room, and i mean properly, sprayed Ron, Imogen's housemates laptop, and the living room, I kinda remember being carried outside to a taxi and me noticing it was daylight outside, and the next thing i remember is waking up in the pub, 10am on Sunday morning!

Ive apologized to Imogen, and I really am sorry! I never drink that much, and I dont know why I did it! It doesnt make a good impression when you're trying to pull! lol! Anyway, Did an AFD on sunday, sold the last of the beer, and sold a load of the pub stuff. Then went in on monday to help pack up the bar etc for the refurb. At the end of Monday James finally shows his face and asks to see me in his office for a word. Im thinking its to do with working over the refurb, was I in for a surprise.

James has fired me without actually saying I'm fired! Basically, he's got no work for me during the 4 weeks of the refurb, and when the pub reopens he doesn't think i will "fit in" with his new image he's trying to create! What a load of bull shit! How does he think i wont fit in, when he doesnt even know what its gonna be like when its re-opened. Anyway, Got paid the friday after for the work ive done plus holiday pay and one extra week. Its not as much as I was expecting, but it was a nice pay slip!

That Saturday, I brought a new I-Pod touch, and paid off Megan for my guitar and amp. Brought the essentials etc, and I've basically spent all my money... But I should hear back about a job at the Britannia in Headington by tomorrow, with thanks to Rahim. He's friends with the area manager and put me in touch with Tony, the general manager of the pub. Its got real career prospects, and hopefully I can make assistant manager within 2 or 3 months. We will see.

Been spending some time with a certain someone, not mentioning names. But its been fun, and will hopefully remain being fun! hehe.

My only other problem at the moment is finding something to do to entertain myself, Im finding everything and everyone boring at the moment, and if i really think about it, this is usually the first sign of my depression, but im not depressed :S Dont know what to make of it! Hopefully it will all sort itself out! Lets just see... Got download soon, cant wait for that, but still need to buy a tent and stuff!!!!

More later!

And todays tunage is...... Angels & Airwaves - Call to arms

fucked it up... big time!

2009-05-14T02:31:00.002+01:00

a few things to mention! Last Sunday I finally got my tattoo... after sitting on the design for the past 7 years, its on my upper right arm! pictures are on my myspace, bebo, and facebook!

I totally fucked things up tonight! James and Alex (James is an ex barman from across the road (kukui) and Alex is a bar back) came into the pub with a cute girl (Steph) yesterday, and I really like Steph, tonight, Alex and Steph both came back in for a few drinks before work, and invited me, Jen, Hannah and Daniel over... so we went over, and Alex pointed out the girl she liked to me, so i jokingly said I would go to speak to her for her. Alex then started shouting at me, telling me not to, and I put an ice cube down her top... This is where it all blows out of proportion and Ive now been accused of trying to expose Alex. I'm sorry, shes a friend, and I would never ever do that to her! It also means that its ruined my chances of getting with Steph as well! Im just hoping I get a chance to appologise, and make things right!

Not much else to say... my tattoo stings! Pub closes on Saturday, which is good! Already got the tap bar stripped of things etc!

Will write later, after the closing down party on saturday!

Peace xxx

refurb

2009-05-01T00:13:00.002+01:00

Finally gotten the date of closing for the pub! 18th May! Considering we were originally going to close the day after St Patricks Day (17th March) two months later its finally happening. Should, if all things go to plan, be closed for about 4 weeks, and open again around the 16th June, which is when i have my week and a half off for download festival! The weekend we are meant to be closing is also Truck festival, which James is working, so not sure how hes going to manage the festival and the closing of the pub on the same weekend, dont think he's thought about it though. Will have to mention it to him tomorrow at work!

In other news, well... there really isnt any other news! im still scraping by, life flying past my window as I watch it all wither away in front of me. Did go to the cinema with Kayleigh to see the new Xmen film, which, by the way, is utterly fantastic!

More later!

Peace xxx

fuck life...single again..

2009-04-26T12:54:00.003+01:00

Yesterday had the perfect start to a day, I didnt have work til 5pm, I woke up early, and I actually felt happy with myself, which was all down to going out with Amber, she really made me feel whole, and for the first time in ages I felt like my broken shattered remnants of a heart were starting to mend. Went into town as usual, met everyone, and was sat on bonn square, amber sat in front of me, cuddling and it was bliss. But this is where it all goes tits up.

My brother, lewis came and dragged amber away to talk to her, fine i thought, then he came and dragged tasha, Ambers best mate, away... five minutes later lewis comes running over and tries gripping me up, pulling me up from my seat and starts shouting about how i should stop dating younger girls and start going out with people my own age. Im sorry... whos the dickhead whos gotten a 15 year old pregnant? him and cat arnt exactly the same age (5 years difference) and at least my girlfriends are all legal! Hypocrite or what! Then he starts shouting about how i should be paying rent? Im sorry... thats none of his business and I am paying rent! thank you very much! and heres the best part.... He said i should sort my life out? my life? Im the one who actually finished school and went to university (even if i did drop out) and I have a job, and im not living in my mates spare room, rent free, bumming off the government and friends! I think the best part was when he put his hand around my neck... come on you fucking reject... it didnt even hurt... I reciprocated and he let go... lmfao! He's been starting fights with me since i can remember, and he's never won, what makes him think he would win this one? The only down side to this was he didnt swing for me, cos if he did, it would of given me reason to hit back! I know hes a dick head without a life, but im not gonna hit him first, he is my brother.

Anyway, after all this i walked away, hyped up and contemplating just beating the shit out of him, and Woodzy comes up and says "you got what you deserved" or something along those lines and then they both run away... They are just both jealous and over protective of Amber... Well screw them. BUt after all this, Amber has now dumped me, because of what lewis has said to her, and she wont tell me what he said. Lewis doesnt know anything about me, and I havent lived with him for the past 10 years. so whatever he's said was proberly lies just to get her to break up with me. Now this is where Im really going to kill him! My blood is still boiling, and all night yesterday I was that worked up i couldnt even eat! I will let you know when his funeral is...

more later

Peace xxx

And todays tunage is...... Motley Crue - Home sweet home

new girlfriend

2009-04-19T21:32:00.003+01:00

its been 2 and a haf months of being single and I've finally got a great girlfriend. Thing is, its not one of those girls that i thought I'd end up going out with. I hope this works out, this time, and nothing screws it up. Its been 2 days so far, and everything seems great! Lets just see how things go!

In other news nothing much has really happened. Everything rolling by like usual!

will update later if i can think of anything else!

hmmm...

2009-04-09T07:57:00.002+01:00

Where to begin... Been really stressy and down recently. Being single dont help lol. The week living at the pub has basically drained all my money, living off take aways etc, but it was good fun to be away from home for a bit! Demi is now going out with Brad, a guy from Brighton, who she met on VF. Kayleigh is going outwith Rob... yet again... dont like him! and Georgie is back with Craig :S

Theres one or two other girls I like, not mentioning names! lets just see how things go. Went to the Deathstars gig last night, and it was really really good! VF'ed the place lolz. I really have fuck all to write about :S

I could mention that I really like Imogen, and cant wait til she gets back to oxford on the 19th... or I could mention Eve... Demi's friend who went to the gig... she seems like a realy nice girl, but I doubt I have a chance there :( Theres always Amber... but again... I doubt I would have any chance... lmfao My mind seems to be consentrating on girls at the moment... I wonder why. Being single sucks, its been over 2 months now and Im really starting to hate it!

At least the bathroom at home is all done! still need to sand down the walls and ceiling, then paint them, but otherwise, its looking good. Havent even started decorating the spare room, and I really should start on that as we have a guest staying at the end of the month!

Lets just see how things happen... more later!

Peace xxx

And todays tunage is...... Deathstars - Termination Bliss

choices...

2009-03-27T07:11:00.003Z

Ok, so Ive been busy this week, what with work, and the new bathroom being fitted at home, but i will get to the point! Kayleigh and Jen arnt going out, they were pulling a really horrible prank on me! So Kayleigh is still single, and Im really tempted to ask her out. Shes down near brighton for a few days and should be back today or tomorrow. Im gonna think about it. I've also been speaking to this other girl I like. Thing is, shes a friend of an ex, and to top it all off, theres a big age gap... I know age doesnt bother me in the slightest, but legally... and my nan... and her parents... it will all end up like the whole megan / elly situation, and I dont want that! Do I try and make that one work? or ask Kayleigh out? or stay single?

Ive also got another girl who fancies me, to add to the zoey list. Chelsea really likes me, and shes a good friend, but I dont like her in that way. We ended up making out last friday at the Covern for Nats birthday party and now she likes me. Anyway... mentioned this in my last post!

Today Im moving into the pub for a lil over a week, as Ron and Cath are both on holiday and according to our tenency agreement, we need a member of staff on premises, and I dont see Knoxy moving in when he has a family etc. It should be fun, all in all.

Demi is still single, and I still cant go there! Its the whole "but i see you as a friend" story. I've heard that one a million times. Oh well... Nothing else is really going on. Its all work work work for me!

More later

Peace x

And todays tunage is...... 36 Crazyfists - Slit Wrist Theory

lotsa things...

2009-03-22T10:16:00.002Z

Right... where to begin?

Well, St Patricks Day was a blast! Had Natalie working in the pub, and we all had a really good time. Had another GREAT night last night, with the last three games of the six nations, with Ireland Winning it all!!!! But god it was close in their last match against Wales. What else?....

Kayleigh is now going out with Jen... which kinda made me upset, but shes happy so its all gravy! Demi is single again, poor her, shes really not having much luck these days, and as much as I'd love to ask her out, its like she said, she sees me as a friend and it might make things complicated. I brought her this groovy hoodie yesterday, so I hope that cheered her up. She said she will pay me back, but its Demi, so I dont really mind if she "forgets" hehe! It was Natalies 20th Birthday last Thursday, so I went to the Coven with them all after work on Friday. Was a really good night, but I had my bag stolen!!! A security Guard found it in the toilets and my Ipod touch, new digital camera, and a packet of cigarettes were missing. Thing is they didnt take my contract phone, or the other packet of cigarettes or my keys (thank god). Im really pissed off about my ipod! While I was there, I may have become slightly intoxicated, and made out with Chelsea... Im not complaining, its been a while since i kissed a girl. But I've now heard shes telling everyone that we are dating. A kiss does not constitute "going out". Im sorry, shes a great girl and all, and not a bad kisser either, but I have my eye on other girls, shes just not my type!

What else... ohh... georgie is now single, Craig (her boyfriend) apparently said "I dont love you anymore". Well im sorry, but what goes around comes around. She now knows how I felt! I still love her to bits, and she's looking better then ever and no one deserves that, but after doing it to me, i feel some what pleased in her pain. Does that make me a bad person? I hope not.

yesterday I brought a tablet! Its soooooooooo fucking cool! Been wanting one for ages and wasa feeling slightly down so did some retail therepy. hehe! Havent had a proper chance to play with it, but will get around to it! Got work tonight, then off til 6pm on wednesday which will be fun!

Got Tom coming to do the bathroom tomorrow, the one that was meant to be originally done 3 months ago. hehe... Also will be decorating my old bedroom tomorrow! just to stop my nan from moaning.

Sorry this blog isnt in date order... just everything seems so hectic at the moment! After everything settles down Im hoping things get back into a normal routine!

More later

Peace

And todays tunage is...... wishtribe - The Straw

Fuck it all...

2009-03-04T00:21:00.003Z

its been a really fucked up few weeks for me. its driving me insane trying to even think things through. Whats even worse is, my friends are starting to notice my "depression" and they arnt buying the whole "i just feel ill" story, but at least that story is still pulling some credit at work. right, where to start.

The main thing pissing me off is Ali. Yes, I am still deeply in love with her, but after all this time of her saying we shouldnt be close together etc, cos she does have a boyfriend, shes then flirting with other guys, nick for one, and nick told her that he fancied her, but nick is a dickhead and would fancy any female with a pulse. Now tonight at Beths birthday gathering, Ali was really close with big Dom, and it kinda freaks me out and pisses me off, when she doesnt mind being so close, and obviously flirting with another guy, especially when she knows how i feel about her, and for her to do it infront of me. Its driving me insane. Especially since Dom is meant to be married :S its all fucked up!

On other news, the other girl i really like, kayleigh, is really upset at the moment over the whole tom thing, and she punched him tonight. well, he deserved a punch, me and kayleigh overheard him saying to cat that he has never been in love. I really do love her, but i think shes passing off my flirting as my usual thing, when its not. I really do love her and care for her. I just hope shes ok, and gets over this without any harm. I know how bad it is as Ive been there. Love you Kayleigh!

Last week I went to that gig with Ali, and saw Tequila Rose play. For their very first gig they were very good. I recorded a few of their songs and put them on my youtube page, which has now also been put onto their own myspace page, with credits to me, which is cool! They are acually a really good band!

Also going to the 36 Crazyfists gig on friday. Meant to be going with Ali as I brought her a ticket, and Kayleigh is going, but im in two minds in giving ali her ticket, with the way im feeling at the moment.

in other, happier, non emo news, ive finally cleared my debt with the debt collectors! it feels good to know that the money i make is now mine! Also brought my download ticket! will be soooo fucking amazing! cant wait for it!

Im gonna go bed now! Peace xxx

changes?

2009-02-21T22:15:00.002Z

When everyone around you is falling in love, or getting back with ex's, or just otherwise unobtainable, and your sat on the sidelines, watching all this happen, with no one to love you, or even care about you, it really makes you start thinking about whats wrong with yourself. I watch guys, not only from the saturday lot, but people my age, and older, out, getting laid on weekends, having fun, sleeping around, enjoying their lifes, with or without girlfriends, and im questioning myself why i find it so hard to do any of that :S I always end up falling for the girl who I cant have, even the ones that are single! Is there something wrong with me? I must be doing something for this not to happen!

Should I change my ways, and start just using girls? and sleeping with whoever? Its totally not my style, and i couldnt see myself doing it, but all of this is really making me depressed. I dont really know what to think any more. Especially when you have people, and i know they are my friends, but, like Ian, with three girlfriends on the go at once, Woodzy and paul, bouncing straight into relationships one after the other, and on...and on... with every other guy out there. They all find it so easy to just move on, god, im still not over Laura, and that was 6 months ago!

Town was fun today, for some part anyway. Finally got to see Ali after her week away, and i told her i knew that she wasnt a virgin any more, and im somewhat jealous, and upset that she didnt tell me. it was still good to see her though! Matilda finally came into town for the first time in ages! we had a nice long chat and constant cuddling, and god shes sexy :p hmmm... *plans kidnapping* hehe... if only! Ali thinks that ive started moving on from being in love with her, and maybe shes partially right, yes there are other girls i really like, but i still love Ali to bits, and i would like to get into a relationship with someone else, cos i dont see Ali and ben splitting up any time soon, but who knows! There is one girl I proberly like, slightly more then Ali at the moment and she is single, but shes not over her ex... so time will tell on that one!

im in that "dazed and confused" stage of depression at the moment, Im not sure what I should do, and I dont really care about any of it. I will post later when im in the mood!

Peace xx

so far so shit

2009-02-21T00:26:00.003Z

ok, where to start, besides me complaining at how much life sucks, and i feel like shit etc etc... Ali has spent the last week down with Ben at his dads, which is down south somewhere. Really miss her, but she rang me the other day, and despite the rubbish signal she had, it was good to hear her voice. What I have heard, and ALi "forgot" to mention it, is that they have had sex :( I shouldnt really be sad, but it reminds me of how close Ali and ben are, and reminds me that shes not actually MY girlfriend. Oh well... life goes on. I'd say I have the other two girls I hancy but I dont!

Demi is now back with Dom, for the third time. I would of thought that after the last two times she would of realized that its not working out and its time to move on but nope. oh well, as long as shes happy. Then of course, the next best thing to ali... Kayleigh! I really do like her... ALOT.... but it looks like shes getting back with tom. Was at beths tonight after work, and they were both there, and they were outside kissing... so poor me! yes, i want your pity, and sympathy....

on other stuff, i have this really bad tooth ache, and its painful! really should go see a dentist! work is going well, 40 odd hours a week, great pay... when i finally get it! Nothing else is really happening in my boring, nonquizential life at the moment! it totally sucks! i think im relapsing, i keep thinking of why im even alive, which reminds me of "those" days.... and that just makes me even more depressed!

ima go bed now,

Peace xx

And todays tunage is...... Kill Hannah - Lips like morphine

so much lost and gained

2009-02-09T22:31:00.002Z

Its been a while... Im sat here, in my new, bigger bedroom, smoking a Ziganov Black! oh the joys... if only!

So much has happened recently, and im still trying to work out how it all happened so quickly. Lets start from the beginning....

The weekend beginning friday 30th Jan me and Ali went to Birmingham with Beth to visit Josh. I booked me and Ali a hotel room, and we shared a double bed, to make it cheaper etc... I had my student loan that weekend, and I khad the money, but I didnt want to blow it all in one weekend. It was great to be back in Birmingham, even if it was just for the weekend. Apart from taking Lewis to the MCR gig, I havent been back to Brum since i moved back to Oxford. We spent the weekend going to bars down Broad St, and shopping in the Bull Ring. Overall it was a great time, and I spent it with a great girl, but thats the cause of all this. I've fallen in love with Ali. We ended up kissing while we were in brum, and its all gone tits up since then!

Ali told her boyfriend, Ben, about it all, and he's forgiven her, which is great for her, even if i did want Ben to dump her... I've also told Elly, and the only responce I got was "ok". I was expecting her to be angry, or upset, or jealous or something... anything apart from just turning around and saying ok. I feel that Elly hasnt been putting anything into this relationship, and all the pressure has been put onto me to make it work between us. This, along with the guilt of cheating on her, I've split up with Elly.

Im not sure how I feel about it, and Im still trying to work out my feelings. Its really confusing, because Ive fallen for Ali, even though I know I cant have her, and am playing a waiting game, but I still love Elly... or rather... IM not sure if it really was love? Did i just get with her as a rebound? and did she just go out with me to make me happy? if thats the case, then it worked, she made me feel great, but not being able to spend any time with her, and when we did it was never alone. Its all messed up.

Im not sure whats gonna happen now. Im just gonna play things for a while, and see where it takes me. I hate being single, or rather, i hate the lack of sex, caused by being single. Im not gonna go into details, to save you from the insanity caused by my illogical thinking.

Also, on the 29th Jan, the new owner took over the pub. James Knox. A really good guy, and mightily tall. He's got some really good plans for the pub! Including closing down after St Patricks day for a month for a full refurb! Ive also been working 40 odd hours a week, which is alot better then the 6 hours a week I was doing before. The only real problem is changing to monthly pay. But i should be paid this friday, and I get my student loan at the end of the month.

As with uni, I got my failed results through. Theres no way I can get back in, but im seriously thinking of going to Open University this september and transfering my points across! Im gonna see what happens! I havent told my nan the whole truth tho, I told her Im meeting Anne Becker to sort things out about transfering to O.U.

Being single sucks! Especially when your in love with someone you cant have! Me and Ali are still really good friends, and she keeps saying she thinks shes leading me on, but thats not the case. Yeah, she used to have a crush on me, and im not totally sure what her feelings on me still are, but only time will tell, heaven knows, i may actually find someone else, or even, Heaven forbid someone close to my age :S

So much more has happened, but half of it is petty little stuff, and not worth mentioning here! Will write more when i get the time.

Peace xx

And todays tunage is...... Garbage - Stupid Girl

a new room, a new life

2009-01-19T01:03:00.002Z

So ive finally got everything moved into my bigger, better bedroom! it looks so clean and tidy! still have a few things to do to it, like finish putting all the small things away, sorting out the wiring for the telephone and internet, and get my book selfs taken down and put up in my new room. but it looks good!

Met up with Elly on wednesday, and thursday... was so much fun! was meant to be meeting her yesterday in town, but she didnt come in, and didnt answer her phone all day... I was really upset :( Someone remined me how little time we have til valentines day, and I want to do something special. Its also on a saturday this year which is good. So im thinking of doing what i was gonna do last friday! Shanghi 30's for dinner! Theres other stuff, but Elly reads this so Im not saying any more!

In other news, Faith and Woodzy are now official, which has pissed off jam jam, Lewis and Cat have broken up and me and zack think theres something going on between him and tasha, but not sure on that one yet! Matthew and Megan are back together as well. lmfao

Now for the pub news. As of this week I am only working monday nights. My hours have been cut that much. I understand why Ron has done it, and he does need to make some money, but after all ive done for that pub i deserve more! The new owner is officially taking over on the 29th, but Ron is staying on and we are gonna see how it all goes. I've more then likely got my job there, but ive heard that he is closing down for 6 weeks to have the place redone. Which it needs doing, but it leaves me with no work and therefore no money!

There isnt much else really! Getting my student loan in 2 weeks which will be a great financial help. It means i can finally get my bills paid and sort out my website which has been down for a while!

Will write gain soon!

Love you Elly xxxxx

Peace x

the joyness of her... and bedrooms

2009-01-14T12:33:00.002Z

Woooooooooo

Ok, Im happy for many reason, and not all of them relating to the love of my life! Firstly.... My nan has said I can finally move into the front bedroom, which is like 2 and a half times bigger then my room! So that will be great, wanna paint it and stuff first, and should be in there within 2 weeks! Will be great to have the space to actually stand up, turn around, and not bump into something!

In other joyness related news, me and Elly had a long convo about the whole "not saying love you" thing, as well as the no kissing in public, and the fact she was in love with someone else. Well... the long convo basically explained that shes now over the "other guy". I wont mention his name, but i also know who it is. She's also saying "I love you" now, which means so much to me, and we had a chat about the kissing thing, and i see her point, but she said she would work on it!

Meeting Elly after her exams today, and shes finally coming back to mine! I've tidied my bedroom, and am airing it out so it doesnt stink of cigarettes for her. hehe....

Also met this kool girl... Ali.... we met last friday, shes a friend of beths, and me, elly, beth, josh and ali all went back to beths, with a dominos pizza or two, and it was nice to relax and chill out like that. me, elly and Ali were doing three way kisses which was kool, and i stood back and watched elly make out with Ali, and umm... yeah! two stunningly beautiful girls, one being my girlfriend, making out in front of me... im not complaining... just which us three were alone and it went a bit further then just kissing, but hey... im not gonna complain! Ali is now going out with ben, and shes really happy, and now me and elly have sorted out the problems mentioned above, we are happy, and beth and josh seem to be happy together, despite the 60 miles of seperation.

Ive also hooked Woodzy and faith up together.... just working my match making skills again, like the good ole days! They both really REALLY like each other.... so things should work out great, that is, after woodzy finishes it with amber. I will keep you all updated on that status! Everyone seems to be pairing up recently, maybe its cos valentines day in a month?

Im off now, to pick up my wages from work... thats something I wont mention in this post, but will write about it soon!

Peace xxx

And todays tunage is...... Lacuna Coil - Self Deception

a happy depression?

2009-01-11T21:11:00.002Z

Ok, so Im happy! spent both friday and saturday with Elly, and it was great! really really great, and I was so fucking happy, But today, its like... i dont know, I feel really down and depressed...

Something is bothering Elly and she wont tell me what it is, which is annoying, and its just small things really that are getting me down. Not knowing if i have a job at the end of the month doesnt help. But im really worried about what Elly is thinking... everyone says she loves me.. and she actually typed "I love you" the other night... and in english too... but then... in town, she refuses to kiss me, and she neverchats to me, and I very rarely get to see her any more. It really hurts, and i wish there wasnt such a big age gap so she could tell her mom, and i could go round hers more often. But then... she can always come round mine, but the 3 times i've offered shes had excuses not to come. Im not sayingthey are excuses, cos they could just well be genuine reasons, but still...

I just dont know what to think at the moment... my head is banging this way and that....

me not happy!

2009-01-05T22:44:00.002Z

so, after my post from yesterday, me and Elly had a long chat, about a lot of things, not that she had read the post yet... but anyway. was speaking to her a few mins ago, and she said she cant meet me tomorrow now :( I feel like shit now! I miss her so fucking much! it really hurts! i wanna work out where this relationship is going.... is she realyl finding excuses not to see me so its easier for her to dump me? if so i wish shed do it. Im not saying i want her to, but this hurts enough already! I really do love her to bits, id do anything in the world for her, and i dont say it to that many people... Theres proberly only 4 people, and shes one of them! She doesnt even say she loves me... i know its a strong word to throw around, but isnt a relationship based on love? if she didnt love me, then why did she say yes when i asked her out? Its all so confusing at the moment, and i dont know if she really is avoiding me, or if its because of her mom. Yes i understand that her mom may go crazy if Elly told her about me, but she could, just as easily say ok to it all. If i was a parent, i would want my kids to be happy, even if it meant dating someone older then them. Is elly even happy with me? Im so confused and depressed and sad now....

enough about that... i know you are wondering why im actually here when its a work night. Well its that fucking dead, ron decided to close when he got back from his football game. He said town was really really quiet as well. So we closed the pub at half past 9 and im now sat at home.

Will write again when something happens!

Peace xxx

is it me?

2009-01-04T19:38:00.002Z

Been working every bloody day this week! Im not complaining, cos im thinking of the money, but we were closed new year day, did a 15 hour shift on the 2nd, an 8 hour shift yesterday, and a 10 hour shift today. Working again, tomorrow with another 8 hour shift then im off for 3 days! yay, i cant wait! I also cant wait for next friday when i get paid! hehe, but most of it is going on bills!

Now, for the whole reason behind the title of this post.... Im feeling down, I have only seen Elly once since before Christmas, and its bloody painful! She said she was going with beth, before she left for Birmingham last friday, and she was gonna pop in to me to see me at work, but she never went, then she said she would "maybe" come into town on saturday... and she didnt... and now its a "maybe" see you tuesday.... Its always a maybe! I really really miss her, and want to spend some time with her! I dont care what we do, i just wanna be with her, but to me it feels like shes seperating herself from me! For whatever reasons, i wish she would just come out and tell me!

Sometimes i wish she could just tell her mom, and her mom would be fine with it, then i could go round whenever! or, forgetting that idea, she could come round to mine! I've offered a few times, but no. Its really getting me worried, and making me depressed ever so slightly. Ive talked to my friends about it and they all say not to worry, but icant help it! I'd go to the ends of earth for her, walk through hell and back... along with doing a few other metaphors!

In other news.... well, there isnt any really!! working lots, got tons of bills to pay with all the money that im making. Tomorrow morning im getting the boxes back down to put all the christmas decorations down.

Will post more later!

Peace xx LOVE YOU ELLY!

YAY

2009-01-01T01:46:00.002Z

First post for 2009.

Im hoping this year will be better then the last! Lets have a recap! I got with megan, and although it didnt work out, it was fun while it lasted. Got back with Laura, and had my heart broken.... That was really hard on me. Im still not sure how i coped. Had the mess up with Georgie, and im glad thats over cos now im with Elly and im happier then i have been in a long time!!!

Apart from that, its been a rather uneventful year. Another year ailing uni, same as the last. I have made a few new friends which is good.

Talking of Elly, I finally got to see her today, it made my heart miss a beat I was THAT happy! Also saw Beth and her friend Josh from Birmingham. hung out for a while, and it was so great!

I then went to work at 6pm, did a nice 7 hour shift at time and a half, got pissed and saw in the new year. The pub was empty as i predicted! We are in the wrong part of town, and at midnight we had 4 customers! we had big groups come in, but its the usual one pint before they hit the night clubs!

Anyway, ima go bed now! Im still really really happy i got to see Elly today! hehehe

Peace x

And todays tunage is...... Smashing Pumpkins - Doomsday Clock

i miss her....

2008-12-30T11:34:00.002Z

Ok, So I havent seen Elly since the Monday before Christmas, and it totally sucks! I really really miss her! Apart from that theres not been much going on...

Robin stayed here from Christmas eve til yesterday when he finally went home. Jonathan was also here, and Ryan came up on christmas day and stayed the night. The house has been full of family and Ive gone and locked myself in my bedroom for the best part of it, thank god! Didnt really get anything for Christmas. Wig and Wayne paid towards the repairs for fixing my computer, so Olympos is back up and running again now! yay for super 'puter!!! My mom gave me £50 which was great as well! apart from that, i got some smelly's and shower gel that i dont really like, and some PJ's that are not only too small, but i dont wear them... Wig did also get me a black duvet set for my bed which is cool!

Worked Boxing day, which wasnt so bad. Everyones shifts have been cut down alot and the dickhead Ben has taken "holiday"... he says... hes basically been told to look for another job! Im doing all his shifts now, elly is gone, and i dont see pete coming back. Which is fine for me, cos it means me and ron have the pub to ourselves. Working new years eve, with extra pay, and a load of drink! so that will be good, but not sure if it will get busy or not, we are in the wrong part of town for it really. we will see....

Brought some DVDs, animes... ghost in the shell stuff.... and also got a new set of 3 mini samuri swords which is kool! i am also the new owner of guitar hero world tour! hehe.... dont the full set tho, i traded in some old games, and got just the game....

Ummm... i dont think there is anything else really! I havent been to bed yet since yesterday, but i feel fine! a lil drowsy.... but as expected!

I really do miss Elly.... just being near her, makes me feel at ease, and at the moment im really stressed with family and stuff, and shes not around, and she said i cant see her til next monday... which is like a week away.... and today is our 2 week anniversary! yeah i know... //rant over\\

gonna say my good byes... LOVE YOU ELLY!

Happy times

2008-12-20T00:56:00.002Z

Been with Elly for 4 days now, and its great, she makes me really really happy. Im not going to see her now until proberly monday, and really going to miss her but im sure I will be fine. Been writing alot more of my poetry recently, and working on a large piece right now. Which is really good for me.

Was round beths tonight... well, actually most of the day and had a great time. Was ashame Elly couldnt come, cos that would of just made my day! And get this, I didnt take any alcohol around! Havent even been to work to pick up my wages today, will have to do that tomorrow.

My super computer is finally fixed, apparently the case was shorting out the mobo, god knows why, but its all repaired, legal copy of XP home, extra 2Gb ram... alls good! Will try to pick it up tomorrow. Will be upto my nan, seeming as shes paying as part of my Chrsitmas present.

Speaking of which.... Still need to buy presents for mom, stacey, andrea, tina... and a few others. Will also do that tomorrow while im in town. Dont really want to be in town tomorrow, as its Georgies birthday, and everyone will be around her, and I dont really wanna be there. Anyway. Gotta pay some bills as well! lol, lets hope i get a good payslip tomorrow!

Not really much else to say. Everything just seems great at the moment now that Elly is in my life. She doesnt say "I love you" which is ok, for now... Id rather she not say it until she means it... unlike some who just shout out the word "love" like its nothing. Love is a strong word to represent the passionate bond betwen a couple.... not just a word to throw around. Yeah Georgie! not that she properly reads my blog any more.... bleh...

I really wanna see elly! she makes me happy! and me needs hugs! I wouldnt care what we did, as long as i could see her. Been round her house every day since Monday, and its been great fun... but even without the sex, it wouldnt bother me. I just get this warm, happy feeling from just being near her. Its hard to explain, and IVe never felt this way with anyone.... I really do love her!

And todays tunage is...... my Chemical Romance - The Sharpest Lives

so guess what the answer is!

2008-12-16T23:03:00.002Z

YES!!!! Elly said yes!!!! oh my god, im like the happiest person in the world at the moment, and cant stop damn smiling! so... I have a girlfriend! I cant think of anything else at the moment! Im overjoyed!

Words really cannot express the way Im feeling at the moment! I cant wait to see her, and hug and kiss my girlfriend! hehehe

LOVE YOU ELLY!

nothing....

2008-12-16T16:22:00.002Z

Ive not really got anything to say, Im just here venting some frustration out of my system! Elly hasnt come out with an answer yet, and Ive got one side of me screaming to her "just say yes" but then the logical side has taken over and im telling her to take her time, and I dont mind waiting, especially for her, and to think it through properly. Yeah, my logical side is right, shes one girl I'd wait til the end of the world for, and she should think it all through, but I do also want her to say yes. Either way, we will see what happens and at the end of the day, no matter what answer she gives me, it has brought our friendship closer, and we are gonna stay friends!

In other news, I rang up about my super puter being repaired, and its still being worked on, and they cant even find out whats wrong with it. They are hoping to have some sort of answer for me by tomorrow at the latest, so I will ring them again later on in the week. I cant wait to get it back! its been ages without it!

umm.... really cant think of anything else to say..... lifes just THAT interesting at the moment! I will write when Elly gives me an answer, or the world ends, or something remotely interesting happens!

waiting for an answer!

2008-12-16T03:26:00.002Z

Think this is themost posts ive made in one day.... but anyway!

Ive asked Elly out, and have given her time to think about it. Ive actually fallen in love with her, and not just because of today, this happened bfore today. I think its everything put together, and all my emotions, and she just makes me happy!

We talked about the "complications" of it all today, that she thinks shes still in love with someone else, but that person is happy with their girlfriend, and I know them, but she wont tell me who. Shes also worried about what her parents will say, and i understand, cos thats part of my worries as well. But if we are happy together then shouldnt everything else come second? She also said thats not sure if she loves me, which I respect. No matter what happens we are still gonna be friends. And thats the best part. These last few days have brought us closer.

Shes also got me writing poetry again, and Ive written two just about her... The one below was written last night, after I got home, and it really does hit home.

the twinkle in her eyes
as she holds me tight
the shine she gives
in the daylight

the way i feel
when shes not around
she makes me feel
like i am bound

to her and everything
that she means to me
now ive got her
shes all i want to be

holding her
kissing her
in this sweet imbrace

holding her
kissing her
in this haste

lifes to fast to let her pass
if she walked on without me there
then would it really be worth the air

Yeah i know the last verse is a little emo, but im addicted to her! I will give her the time she needs to think this all through, and no matter what happens, we are still friends!

Eleanor Elizabeth Eva Jones I really have fallen in love with you xxxxx

my personal choice of drug....

2008-12-15T19:24:00.003Z

Soooo...... hehe.... i am overjoyed in happiness at the moment. Its been one of the best days Ive had in a long long long time, and I dont think anything could spoil it for me now! Spent 7 and a half hours with Elly today, and it was so natural. I needed even have a cigarette, or wanted one! It just feels right with her. No we are not dating, well, that is to say, neither of us has asked the other out officially. I was hoping she would, and i was tempted to do it before i left, but I felt nervous about it. Anyway.... I gave her her birthday "present" lmfao, and thats all im allowed to say on the matter! Lets just say she enjoyed it. Just curling up on the sofa with her, cuddling, with the occasional kiss felt so peaceful I didnt want to leave.

Ive also decided that when she closes her eyes,when shes happy, she looks like an angel! She may be an evil demented angel, but shes still an angel! its the way she closes her eyes, and her hair fell accross her face, and the sunshine glints off her skin. Its so serene! Everything about her mezmerizes me! its like shes my own personal drug!

I will stop speaking about her... at some point! I really want to make it official, but im not sure how she thinks about that, will have to talk to her about it! The only thing that would worry me is how her family would take it. With the age gap etc... Im sure that as long as Elly is happy, then they wont mind! Its not like its that bad!

Will write more as it all progresses!

Peace xxx

And todays tunage is...... Paramore - Hallelujah

Ultra Early

2008-12-15T08:02:00.002Z

So my nan thinks I have an exam today, which I kinda did.... But now I'm up at 7am in the morning with nothing to do! I'm really looking forward to going round to Elly's house today. Even if nothing happens, it will be nice to just chill out and relax! I'm letting her pace this, I don't want to push her into anything she doesn't want to do!

Oh, sweet sixteen! he he HAPPY BIRTHDAY ELLY!

Really should of brought those edible underwear for her birthday present! May have been alot of fun! it still will be without, and as we said online last night, theres plenty of other times!

Right, gotta leave in 20 odd minutes, and will walk round to Elly's. Shes not waking up til 9am so will take it slow, and make a detour to the shops first! also have to look at my nans PC for her first! bleh, shes retarded sometimes!

More later

Peace

some..... non-Elly news

2008-12-14T16:21:00.002Z

where to start? Me enjoying a christmas is back on the books.... maybe.... hopefully..... we will see how things go! Elly has gone to Camden with her mom and im jealous! I dont think im jealous that they have gone to Camden, its more that im jealous because i cant see Elly today! Plus I wanna go Camden...

Anyway... i said non-Elly news! Lewis doesnt like me atm because i was apparently flirting with cat at beths?!?! Im sory, me and cat are great friends, and i proberly know more about her then he does, but in no fucking way in hell was i flirting with her! Ewww... Even if cat was single i wouldnt. Sory cat, but your just not my type!

Ive also unblocked Georgie on msn and we are kinda speaking again, im not sure why, maybe its cos im happy now, or because I just dont care about her any more. Im not saying we are friends again yet, but we are speaking.

There really isnt much other news, Im meeting Elly tomorrow! YAY! going to Cowley Centre so she can do a bit of christmas shopping! I have an exam on basic math tomorrow at 2pm as well. so we will see how that goes! I think ive failed this semester any way. and not sure if they will kick me out or not! i will have to wait and see!

Will post again soon!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ELLY..... for tomorrow! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

hehe

Peace

NEWS ALERT!

2008-12-13T17:26:00.002Z

Im actually really really happy! No, i havent withdrawn and taking happy pills from the docs! Its because of a girl... Today is the first day since the "georgie inncident" that that im truely happy. Yeah I may have seemed happy previously, but i fake it to keep all your little minds happy!

I will start from the beginning! Yesterday, I went into town, met Demi and Chinky, had fun, ran into Hayley and Lewis, and them two were going to Beths, and JJ had invited me, and Beth invited me last week, so i thiught why not. I picked up my wages, brought some drink, and pringles and went to Beths. I tried to convince Elly to go, cos i never get to see her, and we all know how much I've always liked her, and I had her christmas present! But she didnt go :( She currently has an eye infection, so it was ok.

Spoke to Elly last night and spent ages trying to convince her to come into town, but she said it was upto what the docs said when her mom rang them this morning, with the eye infection and all. So I rang her this morning and spent half an hour convincing her! But she finally said yes! So i walked round Beths this morning, met with Beth and Elly, and we all went to town together!

Despite the lack of people due to the rain, I didnt think there would be a problem in town, as I was told Georgie wasnt gonna be around. But low and behold, guess who showed up. Yup, she did! Anyway, it wasnt a problem, i actually had the guts to give her all her stuff back, and she wanted a hug.... it felt awkward... I ran back and hid with Elly, and we cuddled and had our arms around each other, and you had Georgie and Craig just standing behind us and they kept looking over and i think we scared them away... so there!

thing is, me and elly didnt stop holding each other after they left, and it felt nice, and natural. I know what everyone's gonna say, with the 8 years between us, but i dont care what people think, and its not like we are actually dating.... (yet)

me and Elly also went for a walk together, to get away from georgie, and to get warm, so we walked around westgate, and went to hawkins bazaar, etc, then we sat under halifax, away fom everyone else. Beth and her friend came over, and i gave Elly her christmas present of marshmellow hello kitty's, and we had fun canaballising hello kitty!

I went home with Beth and Elly, and elly suggested i got off with her, which is the stop before Beth, so i did, and i had her marshmellows in my bag anyway. We saw Josh outside his work (smith and low). Josh is Georgies, sisters boyfriend. But also went to primary school with Elly, and lives around the corner! small world! I walked Elly home, and she linked arms with me which was nice, and when we got to hers, we hugged, as you do, but then, she kissed me. And i dont mean just a friendly kiss, a proper kiss! It was such a supprise. It really made my day! Im so happy right now, thinking of that kiss!

Anyway, thats why im so god damn happy right now! that one special kiss, from a girl ive always loved but never thought id get to be with... you know how it goes. anyway, more later!

Peace x

And todays tunage is...... Lost Prophets - Rooftops

it still continues

2008-12-11T23:51:00.002Z

Life still goes on, the dull, numb existance that im trudging through at the moment. Ive found "replacements" for the presents that i brought Georgie, and have all her stuff packed away, giving it to woodzy on saturday for her. It doesnt seem to hurt any more, I just feel numb. Its like theres no feelings left inside of me.

But I spent the best part of today with Jen, Jo, and Hannah which was enjoyable. Hannah has had her op, and is in pain, she now has 13 pins in her bottom left leg. It was good to see Jen again, and be like it was before, more then the hey, bye convos we have in town. We actually chat etc.

Been speaking to Elly tonight which seems to always make me smile :D and yes elly... look... another mention :p hehe, shes kool, and always seems to act alot more mature then her age. theres other things i'd like to say, but it would scare her...

Anyway, lifes very "normal" at the moment, and I need to change that! I need to sort things out, get a girl, sort out my life! And learn to be happy again!

Peace x

ok, so it wasnt my last....

2008-12-09T17:43:00.002Z

Yeah, i may have overstepped the gun in my last post. I did mean all the things i wrote and i still feel like my life isnt worth living anymore, but whats just hurt me even more is the whole "i want to stay single for a while" comment from her... well i guess her definition if "a while" is 2 days? Checked her bebo page, and shes now going out with craig. I just dont care, the world is fucked, my life is fucked, and she still wants to be friends after doing this to me? hahahahaha, thats not gonna happen!

Anyway, ive spent the day removing all traces of her from my bedroom, done some cleaning, washing and paperwork etc. Gonna wrap my pressents soon, and yeah im still gonna give her the presents i brought, even if she doesnt deserve them. Im gonna see if woodzy can meet me one day and take them to hers for me.

Im gonna chill out tonight and try to forget all my problems. then tomorrow, im taking my super puter to the shop to get repaired, more housework etc, and spend another evening chilling out!

Also had random people adding to me msn.... some guy called Callum, a friend of elly's. Elly apparently reads my blog :S and linked it to him.... Also had john add me, hes an old school friend who i havent seen in 9 years. and theres one more random person, but not sure who that is yet! anyway, im outa here! I will write again, and soon! seeming as i dont have anything better to do now!

Peace

my last ever post... ever!

2008-12-07T02:11:00.003Z

Just when i thought i might actually enjoy a Christmas! She does this to me! Georgie spent the night at mine last Monday, it was great, everything it always is with her! she even cried she was THAT happy... well now im crying, and not for being happy. I was meant to meet her on Thursday, but my nan made me go shopping with her and then she made me do the Christmas decorations, which still arnt finished. so i rang her, and explained etc and she was fine and said we would see each other on saturday... the thing is, i didnt hear from her til this morning, nothing, and when i get a text, no i love you or i miss you etc like she usually does, and when i get into town, and finally see her, i hug her and she doesnt hug back, she says shes going to westgate and says "yeah, sure you do" ... thats not the sort of reply you give your boyfriend when he says i love you after not seeing him in 4 days! thats basically all she said to me all day, no hugs, no kisses, not even a glance in my direction. along with the migraine i had before i got to town that just made me feel even worse! its like my world has ended!

What hurts even more is that not a week ago she was asking me to ask her to marry her, and spend our lifes together, and that she doesn't want any of this to change! to then do this, that's just broken me... she may just be in a bad mood, i know its her time of month and all... but if it goes the way it looks like, then i wont be around to see any of it! when i got to work, just before i started i sent her a text asking what was wrong cos it was just hurting too much.... they are as follows...

James: Is there something wrong with us? U didn't say 2 words to me all day! i really love you x

Georgie: its not workin out xXx

James: Then why not speak to me about it? i dnt want to loose you, id do anything for you! just last week you said the same to me, u saying its all been a lie?

So there... she then didnt reply, but im speaking to her now online, she said she ran out of credit so?

the msn convo is as follows
James says:
whats going on? why didnt you reply?
Georgie says:
i have no texts left
James says:
ohh
Georgie says:
yerr
Georgie says:
:s
Georgie says:
sucks
James says:
so?
James says:
whys it not working out?
Georgie says:
coz i like to fuck around
Georgie says:
and it's killing me
James says:
so the whole "i really love you" and "i want you to marry me" and the "i want to spend the rest of my life with you" . all that was bullshit then?
Georgie says:
haha
Georgie says:
No
Georgie says:
It was just that i was in a lovey dovey mood
James says:
you dont say you want to devote your life to one guy and spend the rest of your life with him just cos your in a lovey dovey mood
Georgie says:
actually i do... that's my problem
James says:
:'(
James says:
you dont have a clue how much pain im in right now do you?
Georgie says:
you have no idea...
Georgie says:
In case you havent noticed
Georgie says:
i've been crying all day
Georgie says:
and having to take walk
Georgie says:
*s
Georgie says:
And even just now thomas came over for 2hrs
Georgie says:
coz i keep crying
Georgie says:
:'(
Georgie says:
so yerr...
Georgie says:
James u there
James says:
yeah
James says:
i dont know what to say
Georgie says:
just say whatever
Georgie says:
I'm in a mellow mood
Georgie says:
so i can take most abuse

So yeah... I don't know what do do! it would be so easy just to end it right now! and its not like i don't know how to do it painlessly... just fall to sleep James...

yeah OK, i know my old promises, but fuck them all... my life isn't worth living without her in it. She means to world to me... scrap that... she is my world! I wont do anything yet, i promised woodzy i wouldn't on the phone just now... so OK, not yet then... but who knows!

now for the last part of my last ever blog... a poem.. my last ever one... dedicated to the only woman i love!

My hearts shattered
Broken in despair
When all I did is love her
And all I did is care

She said she really loved me
And then so goes like this
I cant stand the pain she caused
When she didn't hug or kiss

The moments that we had together
Were nothing I could compare
But now shes gone and I am down
This pain I cannot bare

So tonight I say goodbye to you
To her and everyone
She said it wasn't working out
Wee now I guess shes won

25 days

2008-12-01T00:38:00.002Z

so we all know im the grinch when it comes to christmas, but for some reason this year it might actually be enjoyable, and thats mainly down to Georgie! Its the first time ive ever had a girlfriend over christmas, and yes, i know ive spent way too much on her, but shes damn well worth it! She said it makes her feel like im buying her, and i dont want her to feel like that, but ever since the age of 12, your own father beating you up on christmas eve tends to make every christmas after that a bad memory, and i want to make this one with Georgie special, and i do that by buying things, and if i want to spend my money on the one and only person who can make me this happy, then i will!

I also have to find her something for her birthday which is on the 20th! Im not sure what to get, and the things shes said she wants, i already have as chrsitmas presents! so will need to think hard about it! I will work something special out!

as with other things, ive found out my 2 exams are on the 15th and 19th, and hopefully i wont have failed this semester, i cant afford to resit it again, if the let me! as with work, we finally got rid of our cleaners and now have to do it all ourselves... but Ben is really starting to piss me off, hes so lazy! and he thinks he knows how to manage a small pub when in reality he hasnt got a fucking clue!

I still cant stop thinking bout Georgie... i love her so damn much! every second im not with her hurts me and i wanna spend the rest of my life with her! i just dont want to rush things, even with all the "hints" shes giving me! i need some time to sort my life out, and im not proposing to her until i can afford to settle down and buy her a sparkling ring :p

anyway... Georgie is hopefully staying round mine tomorrow night, and she stayed round friday night and its so nice when shes here, and not just because of the sex! just being with her, cuddling as we watch a film, its peaceful and makes me feel like nothing in the world could make me upset... Shes my drug, and im addicted to her!

im not gonna keep talking bout her!... ok, yeah i am... I love her too much!!!!

SUZIE LOVES PUG.....

Peace

bored and christmas

2008-11-24T03:04:00.002Z

Woke up late this morning which meant I didnt have time to go see my favourite girl, but thats ok, cos i went to see Georgie after work, and spent the rest of the night with her! Im hoping to actually wake up semi early and meet her from school tomorrow before i have work at 4pm. Work was actually busy, at least for a sunday. It might have something to do with having Slainte playing, and it being Heath's last gig. He's going back home to new Zealand, thank god! no more annoying bagpipes down cornmarket!!! Dont get me wrong, hes a nice enough guy, but hes a kiwi, playing a scottish instrument, in england as part of an irish band, how more ironic can you get?

Cant wait to see georgie, i still cant stop thinking of her! I absolutly, unquestioningly love her! but on with my blog...

Im that bored, ive actually written a christmas wih list. The problem is, no one can afford anything on it! It comprises of a £350 LCD HD TV, £350 digital SLR D60 Nikon camera, £150 to repair my super computer, £150 for the band bundle of guitar hero: world tour, and £130 for a guitar and amp... ok, so my nan and my uncle are putting money together to actually pay to get my PC repaired, so thats one down. But the rest of my family cant dream of the sort of money to get the other things on my list, maybe its just wishful thinking? if you wanna have a gander at it, then download a copy HERE

I know im scrouge and all, but this will be the first christmas i have ever had when ive had a girlfriend, so im hoping to make it a fun one! I really need to save up so i can buy Georgie's present! Also got her dad something... which is kinda weird! And even if she doesnt like suprises, shes gonna have one! so there! Im not telling her EVERYTHING that shes getting!

gonna go lay in bed now and chill out, and try to get some sleep!

Peace xxx

nothing else...

2008-11-22T00:44:00.002Z

Holding you there in my arms
Nothing else matters when Im with you
We can get through it all
No matter what we do

That feeling you get
The love inside of me
When everything is perfect
And we let things be

I feel so outragously happy at the moment! damn it! Its all her fault! hehehehehe...

Georgie stayed at mine last night! I met her from school on thursday, we went to her house and picked up her stuff and went back to mine. It was really great, we watched surfs up, and just chilled out, and had some fun... as you do... it felt like.. umm... its hard to explain! its like we are meant to be together, and fate has drawn us to each other. I feel so at peace, and i really do feel like i want to spend the rest of eternity with Georgie. I can honestly see us settling down, getting a house together, married, with kids etc. not that its gonna happen soon, i want to sort out uni, and money, and give it a year or two before anything remotely starts happening. we will see where things go. But today we went to town and she brought me dinner at noodle bar, and i was sat there, just watching her. Ive been doing that alot, just thinking of nothing, looking at her, and she thinks something is up, but its nothing, i just blank out, and stare into her eyes! they are sooooooo amazing! but anyway, im sat there, gazing at her, thinking of what the engagement ring would look like! And i pictured how i would propose.. having all our friends and family at a big party, christmas or something, not sure what, but going up to the band, taking the microphone, and doing it there, in front of everyone... which is something i would never ever usually do!

Georgie has also started a blog, and its so nice to read her thoughts, its on her bebo! god, why is this happening! I just cant stop thinking of her... im meant to be writing bout my trip to the gloc tonight! but i cant get her out of my thoughts! hehe...

The gloc james... concentrate! hehe...

Ok, me and Georgie were in town, had noodle bar, did some shopping for the pub, and such, then i walked her to the bus stop and after i met up with demi, nat, lee, etc, and we all went to the gloc. Marianna was there as well, and scott showed up after work at around 10:15pm. it was a great night, and im happy that some of the young'ens are now old enough to drink there, even if they did miss the great times of old school gloc! Also ran into Mooney and louise! Havent seen either of them since forever! was so much fun!

Ima go now, and think of the love of my life!

the "in depth" version

2008-11-20T03:13:00.003Z

ok, so Im being made to write an "in depth" version, just so the love of my life has something to read! hehe... Here you go Georgie!

Lets start on the main points from the last post!

As of Sunday 16th December 2008 me and Georgie are back together. It was a tough break, as you can tell from my depression stricken posts over the last week or so, but Im even happier then when we we orignally together, which is immense! Her family love me, and my nan seems to accept her, which is weird. But anyway, Her mom is actually letting her stay at mine thursday night, so YAY! I cant wait! So heres me, the happiest guy in the world, blazing my tunes (currently: Wounds - InMe) while sipping on my Diet coke, too happy to sleep at 3:20am.

Next point was that me and Georgie are still friends with JJ, which is good, just because you break up with someone, it shouldnt mean you should stop speaking to them. Yes I know i disappear for a few weeks and dont speak to my ex's after we spilt up, but after the wounds heal I will still be their friends. Im not sure what Georgie thinks about me and Megan still being close friends, Its been quite awkward, especially on halloween. But they both seemed to find a safe ground today when i had them both at my pub. I really should introduce Laura to Georgie, not sure what Laura would say about that, but I havent spoken, let alone seen laura in quite a while. We get on well, given whats happened between us, but she seems to be distancing herself from me.

Point three was Scotts 21st Birthday last tuesday. I went with Demi and had a really great time, despite the lack of money! Maybe it was the fact that we were all in the gloc that made up for it? Me and Demi had left by 9pm, and scott was on his way to getting legless. Lee was there as well, and from what ive heard I dont think scott could walk home! well, anyway, Congrats Scott!

Now for the main point! I know one of my "change my life" promises a few years ago was no more slot machines... well... I went to work last monday, had a fiver on me! Decided to put a quid in the new machine, and i won about £15, so i put a few more quid in... and won again and again and again. At the end of the night I had £48 in my pocket. Same thing happened today, got to work and put £2 in and came away with £20. Im not saying Im addicted like i used to be, and I cant do what i used to do, for financal reasons. I just dont make the few grand a month that i used to do! But all my promises seem to be slipping!

JAMES YOU IDIOT! lets recap what those were...

1. no suicide attempts...
2. no more gambling on the fruit machines
3. no more heavy drinking
4. no more drugs

ok, so i technically havent broken promise 1 but ive been really close to it, and 3 and 4 havent really happened, yeah Ive taken a few tokes, like once every year, and Ive been out and drunk til i was out of it, but it happens like once a year. So its ok! Ive learnt my lessons from past experiance and I am not willing to risk falling into the same type of person i used to be!

now, point 5 is that the kitchen at work will officially be opening on the 8th December! I cant wait! Lance has got a good menu put together, and it all seems to be improving at the pub! new coffee machine is in, prices going down over the next few days, we finally have our master key, heaters in the terrace, and the terrace has been cleaned and will be painted next monday. Awnings are going up at some point but not sure when. ummm... COCKTAILS! yes thats right, i will finally be aloud to make cocktails at the pub, just need to price them up and get the stuff for it all! Will also need some glasses, but can use the highballs for now! Also selling sourz so good for the students!

Thats everything covered, point wise, from the last post. I really should get some sleep, wanna get up in the morning to tidy my bedroom, for georgie, and I need to get the christmas decorations down etc. I was going to write about uni, but its complicated, and will do it all in another post, maybe after i sort out what im actually going to do.

Gonna go chill and think of my beautiful, intelligent, sexy girlfriend now :p

Georgie, I LOVE YOU xxx

Peace

the pain has gone!

2008-11-19T01:44:00.002Z

ok, this is a really quick post, but... heres the low down!

Me and Georgie are back together.. today is day 2 !!!
She and me are still friends with JJ
Scotts 21st Birthday today, party at Gloc, really good
Won £50 on the slots at work yesterday!
kitchen opens on the 8th at work!

Thats it for the run down, i will get time to write, in detail, but busy and havent slept in 43 hours!!!

when will it stop hurting?

2008-11-15T21:44:00.002Z

honestly though... I just dont know how to feel anymore! I still love her, and it fucking hurts! The smallest things are reminding me of her, like at work, she visited me and was sat at a table, and i look at the table and it reminds me of her, and walking down the street, and every little fucking thing i do reminds me of something about her!!! I think these lyrics tell it all

I guess I'm trying to say I'm sorry,
But it always comes out wrong,
I think a part of you still loves me,
Even though we're moving on.

Always, all ways I wanted us to be,
Always, all ways you and me,
And I wait here on my own,
And I wait for you to see,
All the time I spend alone now won't comfort me,

Always all ways...

And I'm sorry for what happened,
But I want you there to see,
That I'm changing all my actions,
I don't wanna set you free.

Always, all ways I want to see you through
Always, all ways me and you
And I wait here on my own,
And I wait for you to see,
All the time I spend alone now won't comfort me.

'Cause I'm waiting for you,
Yeah, I'm waiting for you,
Give me answers, get me through,
I will wait...

Always, all ways I wanted us to be,
Always, all ways you and me,
And I wait here on my own,
And I wait for you to see,
All the time I spend alone now won't comfort me.

'Cause I'm waiting for you,
And I'll wait here for you,
Give me answers, give me through,
I will wait...

'Cause I'm waiting for you,
Yeah I'm waiting for you,
Give me answers, get me through,
I will wait...

Always, all ways

I keep playing that song, it wasnt ours, and i never played it around her, but... you know...

I've just lost all feeling, Ive gone numb inside. And seeing her so happy with "him" just makes it even more painful. The way shes changed her myspace name and pic, and her msn name, and the removing of some stuff on hey myspace and bebo and whatnot... Its all just boiling up inside of me and i dont know whats gonna happen when it releases. I know my promise, and I'm trying to keep to it, i swear!

NOthing much else is happening in my life! Ive decided that im failing university, and need to decide if i should buckle down and actually start doing some work, or fuck it all and work full time. Both have their benefits and their downfalls, and in this state I dont want to make any rash decisions. Plus, with work i have been offered the assistant manager's position, yet again, so i just dont know!

My sleeping pattern is fucked, i been smoking alot more, and ive lost connection to alot of friends over the past week! Yeah, when you see me I look like im fine, well its all total bullshit! inside im broken, and its not gonna fix itself over night! She's torn me apart, and i feel worse then death at the moment!

And todays tunage is...... Lostprophets - Always All Ways (Apologies, Glances and messed up chances)

bye bye happy heart

2008-11-09T21:37:00.003Z

Well, thats all for this episode.... haha.... sorry, trying to cheer myself up! me and Georgie split up! shes been acting weird for the past few days, and what with the stuff on the last post, i sent her a text asking what was going on, and everything, and we split up. Im not as bad as i thought i would be, but it still hurts inside!

not 5 minutes after we broke up she text me saying her and Jamie were going out, and wanted to know if it was ok with me. Why would i care? yeah i feel broken inside but shes single, she can do what she wants! We are still gonna be friends, and like everyone keeps telling me, theres plenty more fish in the sea!

Im refusing to talk any more about it... its getting me down! Pool was good today, got there at 1pm, booked a table for 3 hours and played a few good games, Krissy, Paul and Bo showed up at half past one, and we all had a laugh, left around 3 ish and walked around, bo and paul went home, then me and krissy walked to the bus stop, while waiting for the bus I got a call and Nat, and andrew and big jamie were on their way to colours so we went back and continued playing til about 7pm. All in all it was fun.. the whole dumping thing happened on the bus on the way home... so it put a spoiler on it all... but yeah...

Gotta go and ring Krissy now...

Peace

Im confuzzled...

2008-11-09T11:23:00.002Z

Ok, so yeah, we all know Im madly, deeply in love with Georgie, and yes Georgie I know you will read this, but I'm gonna say all this anyway! I found out Jamie (Beths Brother) likes Georgie and that georgie has been speaking to him, and yeah, and I was on bebo this morning and saw all the comments they had been sending each other, and it looks like georgie started the whole thing, with "hints" of webcam shows etc, and messages that just say "luvya" yet she wants to stop saying "love you" to me, her boyfriend, and wants to slow the relationship down?!?!?! Its all confussing me at the moment and i dont know what to do. I also think i saw her making out with Lee on saturday. I know georgie has a tendency to flirt with guys and i lnow lee is a natural flirt as well, but to do something like that in front of me? I've known lee for a very very long time, and i didnt think he would do that to one of his closest friends!

Ok, yeah i know im having a rant here, and i need to get this all off my chest! I've fed up of bottling all my feelings, and we all know what im like when it comes to things like this!

Georgie also asked me what i would do if she dumped me, i looks at her, and she said she was only joking, i dont take asking things like that as a joke! Im really scared for our relationship, and yeah, im sat here shaking while im typing this!

She just really confuses me and I havent got a clue whats going on any more! this fucking hurts! One minute she will be all lovey dovey, holding hands, loads of cuddles and kisses etc, then she changes and is flirting with every guy apart from her boyfriend. I dont want to loose her, but i dont think i could handle the heartbreak of losing her if she goes with someone else!!!!

Gem, I know your reading this! gimmee some damn advice!!!!

Georgie, i really love you xxxxxxxxxx

Anyway... Im going to Rileys with Nat, Panda, Andrew and some other people!

Peace!

Blissful thoughts

2008-11-07T00:56:00.002Z

Its so fun being in love... I thought I'd forgotten what it feels like, but just sitting here on my bed, thinking of Georgie, and no, before you ask... not THOSE thoughts! Just general, like how she takes my hand in hers as we walk, and how she looks up slightly at me as we hug, and that cute smile she has. I just go light headed, and it makes everything feel so much better. She really has given me a reason to care about something. And believe it or not, shes been a great influence on me quiting smoking. Yes, I've relapsed today and had about 15, but last sunday i went the whole day and only had 2 cigarettes, and i didnt even see Georgie that day! And most days, im down to about 8 or 10. Now compared to the 25 odd i chain smoke in a day, i think im doing really well. It also helps that Ive got this damn cold thats been going around!

Not much else happening really. Uni is going as per usual, Same as work, but we have got a Chef in and the kitchen should be opening on the 4th December, so that will all be good. Getting a coffee machine in, and smirnoff vodka, and gordons Gin, so YAY... Meeting up with Rahim and Louise tomorrow evening! gonna go for a few drinks, and catch up!

I will most more later as and when :p

YAY's for being in love!

Halloween Parties

2008-11-02T15:01:00.002Z

The last weekend has been great to be honest! Went round Georgies on thursday for a family halloween party, plus it was our one week anniversary. we chilled, had one or two drinks, and basically just relaxed. was all fun! and being our big one week anniversary me and georgie... went up to her room... together... and celebrated! hehehehe...

Friday was the best night by far! I went round to Georgies in the morning, and we went into town, and i picked up my wages from work, then went to sainsburys for some alcohol and we then went to beths for a halloween "gathering" lol... Had so much fun that night, got kicked out of beths around 7 ish, and we went to Dene Road park, where we drank and were merry lol... Then nat showed up and spent alot of the night making out with Georgie, which.. umm... was very enjoyable! lol... I also ended up doing it next to paul and matilda in a secluded part of the park, which felt weird, but was fun until everyone started walking over! bloody annoying kids!

Anyway, Georgie came back to mine that night, and we were home by 10pm, which is fine by me! I'll give you one guess what we spent the entire night doing!!! countless times... then the nympho fell to sleep before me! lmfao, not that i mind, but if shes a nympho and fell to sleep on me, what does that make me? hehehehe... we woke up at 7am, and were at it again... and delayed going into town til 1pm... got chips, did a bit of shopping and then met up with everyone. Alot of people werent there, and we didnt stay long. We both went back to Georgies where we watched some anime, had dinner, her parents went out... so we... yeah, you guessed it... hehehe

We've both been like rabbits this week end! and im not complaining hehehehe

Georgie I love you xxxxx

smooth sailing

2008-10-29T22:42:00.006Z

ok, so me and Georgie have sorted things out from last saturday at the gig... and tomorrow is our 1 week anniversary... i know, its nothing big... but oh well...

Got a party at hers tomorrow, then on friday we are both going to Beths "all nighter"... its not a party, shes not allowed parties... its a gathering of like minded individuals... with alcohol, fancy dress, and loud music! hehehe... the best thing of all is that friday night Georgie is staying at mine! My nan is actually letting me have a female round! After the whole megan incident i didnt think she would... but of course... im not telling my nan her age... all she knows is that she lives in Iffley and works at matalan! lol.... its basically the truth!

Ive got such a big grin on my face right now! me and georgie in an actual bed... with handcuffs, and alcohol fueled passion all night long!!! will be such a great time!! its gonna fucking rock!!

I really need to ummm.... "make up" for the last time me and georgie... umm.. yeah.... wont go into details... but you know when a guy hasnt... in a while.... and... it happens way too quickly... well yeah... bummer! For someone who calls a quicky a 2 - 3 hour session.... it was terrible... i felt like shit! and really need to make it up to her! so friday night... yeah, you get the picture... candle light, soft music... and hand cuffs!!!

On other news, i really need to catch up on some uni work! been falling behind ever so slightly, but its nothing i cant handle! lol....

And todays tunage is...... The Spill Canvas - Caterpillars

HELP ME!

2008-10-26T01:03:00.000+01:00

I dont know what to do! I actually asked Georgie out, and she said yes, hence the last post! and its been less then a week, and shes already had her tongue down Camron's throat... in front of me, groped at least 3 other guys... and its really hit me hard....

I will start from the beginning, Everything was great this morning, work up, showered and went into town. met with Georgie, and the gang, and everything was fine! Yeah, Georgie was flirting with other guys, but knowing her past, i thought it would take some time for her to settle down, which i understand, but after, me, her, beth and jamie went to Carling Academy to see kids in glass houses (which btw was great) we got in, checked in my bags adn coat etc, and went over to stand in the front, by this time camron, mitchell, and Jebus are all there, along with Georgie's ex, William, and her sister Heather. I go to the bar to grab a drink, and when i come back, all i see is georgie with her tongue down camrons throat... I just didnt know what to do, i downed a whole can of carling (ironic really, given the place) run to the back, and collapse to the floor crying.

I just didnt know what to do, it has been less then a week since we've been together, and shes cheating on me already! I was gonna leave, right then, screw the money i spent on the ticket! i walked back over, cos i had jamjam's ticket for his bag i checked in for him, and told him... but he said georgie was really upset and i should speak to her. so yeah, gulable me did, i ended up staying, and no, she didnt kiss any other guys, but she was grabbing jamjam and jebus in the crotch, "playing" with them... and theres me, her boyfriend just standing there! it all stopped about half way through the gig, and it actually wasnt that bad, but i could tell something was up, she was just hugging me, and standing there, and yeah... something was wrong. Im still not entirly sure.

I found out that her mom knows about me and her, via her bebo page. and despite the worries we had, her mom is fine about it. Now its just her dad to tell. we will see how that goes, in the meantime, we are chatting on msn, and i dont know what to do... do i trust her, stay with her, and hope its a one off? or do i dump her and try to get over the best girl i have ever met, ever!... there is a thrid option, and its proberly the easiest way out, but im not contemplating that one....

I really really really fucking love her, i just dont know what to think at the moment!

I NEED sex...

2008-10-24T00:12:00.001+01:00

with my beautiful, attractive, smart, intelligent, fiesty, nypho, hot new girlfriend, Georgina

like right now.....

Pure Bliss

2008-10-21T23:56:00.002+01:00

OK, so she hasnt broken up with Ian, and she has alot to think about. Is she really going to commit herself to me, after so many years of cheating on guys, sleeping behind her boyfriends back, and generally "playing the game"??? for the love of god i hope she does, and choses to "settle down" with me. After last thursday, i went and got really really pissed at beths, and yeah.... but we spoke the other day on bebo, then on msn... and we met today, and spent a few hours messing around, shopping, kising, chatting etc... and it felt so natural, we've really connected, after such a short time of knowing each other. If this was happening to two friends, i'd call it "true love" and Georgie has come out and actually said she truely loves me. She spent some time explaining why it was so hard, that she never ever had true emotions for any of her previous "guy friends" but she said that all the emotions shes been feeling for me were real, and not being faked, and it scared her. Which i totally understand, and i suppose if i was in her shoes i would of freaked as well.

Anyway, shes made me a happy bunny again, and I will give her the time she needs to sort things out. god, i cant stop smiling! recieved an email about relationships, and at the end of it was this...

Yet regardless if you love them, hate them, wish they would die or know that you would die without them ...

it matters not. Because once in your life, whatever they were to the world they become everything to you. When you look them in the eyes, traveling to the depths of their souls and you say a million things without trace of a sound, you know that your own life is inevitable consumed within the rhythmic beatings of her very heart. We love them for a million reasons, No paper would do it justice. It is a thing not of the mind

but of the heart. A feeling. Only felt.

and yeah... I think that totally explains itself! On my way home from Georgie, a poem popped into my head, god knows why. These sorts of things havent happened in years... but here it is

A butterfly without wings
it cannot fly
emotional things
by and by

Ive also fallen in love with the tune of the day... and ive finally got the motavation to do some work on my website... bout bloody time, i know!

more later! Peace

And todays tunage is...... Story of the year - Anthem of our dying day

the "NEW" poem

2008-10-16T22:23:00.001+01:00

I wrote a poem, which is basically almost finished for Georgie... but screw it... im shattered inside, and shes not having it! you can all have this one instead!

she broke my heart
im dead inside
emotions boiling over
i just wanna hide

how should i feel
what should i do
you end it with me
when i say "i love you"

goodbye world
im gonna hide
from all of you
crawl inside

Relationships suck
i wanna die
fuck them all
All good bye

always happens to me!

2008-10-16T21:43:00.004+01:00

I have to stop falling in love! Its just way too painful! Just been speaking to Georgie... and shes basically said that she always cheats on guys and always will and doesnt want to be my girlfriend, not that ive actually asked her out, but she wants an open relationship, and I just dont know what to think any more... shes wanting to go out with Ian cos he wants an open relationship, and so does she. Im really depressed now.... and no, before anyone asks... i promised... so i wont!

is so hard to hold back the tears right now.... Im just never gonna show interest in anyone... ever again... im fed up in falling for the girl i cant have! like the say... better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all.

screw town on saturday... im not going in! just gonna go straight to work! and fuck them all! fuck life!

Im out....

I've fallen for her....

2008-10-16T21:01:00.002+01:00

Yeah, OK... I usually shy away from relationships, and go all shy and clammy, and run away when an attractive girl talks to me, maybe that's why I haven't had many relationships, let alone the fact that half the time I'm too... umm.... un-confident... is that a word? anyway.... Yeah, I have no confidence when it comes to girls, but its all changed! I can actually speak to Georgie... and she listens, no matter how stupid, inconsequential or pointless, the thing I have to say is. And I find that a very good feature... along with her stunningly good looks, her intelligence, and the nymphomaniac part of her.. hehehe....

I wasn't going to see her today, but I finished uni at 1:30, and asked her if I could met her after shes finished seeing Ian. And she said yes, so we met up, Ian was still there... so we walked Ian to the bus stop, and he got on the bus and went home, which left me and Georgie together, alone, for an hour or two! hehehe...

So we walked through Iffley village, sat on the bench by the green that leads to the river. Its a very secluded place, and great when its dark like it was! After a while of kissing, and playing, and me teasing her till shes moaning in my ears... we actually did something... I'm not going into a lot of detail here, and I know! I don't plan to! lol! well... you know how it is, one thing leads to another... We didn't have much time, but it was the best time Ive had in a very very long time! I just cant stop smiling! I just wish we had more time, and a warm bed! Im really going to have to speak to my nan and convince her its a good idea to let me have a female friend round the house! hehehehe

well, I meeting Georgie tomorrow before she has work, and on Saturday, then again on Sunday when I finish work! I cant wait!!! Shes really changed who I am, Im actually not paying attention to any other girls now, and Ive started writing my poetry again, which is great! Working on a piece for her right now, but not sure if i should show her or not? maybe i will!

Love you Georgie!

mmmmm..... this girl......

2008-10-15T15:07:00.002+01:00

yeah yeah, I know I said i would post more often.... well umm.. I dont have an excuse, and I dont need one! I do believe Im am the most happiest person in the whole entire world! I havent felt like this in such a long long time, and its all thanks to Georgina... We havent known each other that long, but we are like soul mates, today we were finishing each others sentences, and reading each others minds and yeah... its perfect! Plus she lives in Oxford, and works, and we have the same friends, and yeah! she like rocks!

Shes some what of a nymphomaniac, which doesnt bother me in the slightest! its actually pretty good! we spent a few hours together in florence park today, and was so much fun! Im not gonna go into detail about what happened! I will keep it to myself thanks! God, can i really be in love? After what happened with Alison, and then with laura, and megan.... I didnt think i'd be this happy with someone ever again, finally my life is improving, and all for the better!

Georgie is sooooo adorable, shes smart, and clever, and inteligent, and so god damn sexy! The way she smiles, and the twinkle in her eyes as she looks at me, the way she cuddles me, it just all makes me feel whole again!

ok, so i will stop going on about it.... I was actually here to write about other stuff as well, HONEST! At uni, ken (lecturer for programming) gave us our second assignment last week, so everyone has been working really hard on it, but yesterday he sends an email, and it turns out we are doing the wrong assignment. and we have this other one to do! Totally sucks! At least the deadline has extended fori t, so we have the time to do it!

Patrick is leaving the pub tomorrow, its been good working for him but he is a tight arsed bastard! The new manager, Rahim's replacement is Ron, hes a good guy and the new owners have said we can do whatever we like with the pub as long as it doesnt cost them anything, so gonna start doing cheaper drinks, and promo nights, get some DJ's in, Kareoke, poker nights and the like. Should all turn out to be a good investment. I know i said i would leave after Rahim did, but with all this going on, Im going to stay for a while!

not much other news really.... Gonna go think about Georgie... i mean.... do my uni work! lol

More later

And todays tunage is...... Theory of a deadman - All or nothing

2 days before uni

2008-09-21T17:43:00.002+01:00

There are many professions whose primary objective is to advance the cause of humanity rather than simply to make money or accrue power. Among this limited group of humanitarians I would consider teachers, nurses, bookstore owners, and bartenders.
Gregory McAllister, "Icons"

Well, its Sunday 21st of September and Im back at university on Tuesday. I really cant wait for it! I know that makes me sound like a nerd or teachers pet, but working full time, with no social life to speak of really does get boring after a month or two. It will be nice to meet up with the guys and relax a bit.

As with work, Rahim, my boss, will be leaving on the 28th and the new manager will be starting this Wednesday. Im not sure how its going to go, but im going to keep an open mind on it. I never planned on staying there, but i may do for the time being, plus Gemma doesnt want me to leave, and I do like her hehe....

Friday I also went and got myself a brand new mobile. I am now the proud owner of a Sony Ericsson C902. Its not a bad phone, with web access, a 5mp camera, video calling, etc etc, and all on contract for just £30 a month, with 600 mins and unlimited texts.

In other news, Ive made a great website for the saturday gang... and im in the process of improving it, but it looks really good. Ive also made a website for Chinky and his story. which will be quite good once its finished.

Zack and megan have split up, and megan seems to be getting closer to me know, Im not sure if this is a good or a bad thing. I still love her but we both know that a relationship will never work. I will see how things go on. Apart from this, nothing much else has happened. Been doing a lot of reading, decorating, working etc.. all the usual stuff for boring old James.

Will post more later, when i get the time and let you all know how uni goes!

Peace

Im single

2008-08-27T21:31:00.002+01:00

The last 3 months have been really hectic, so i would like to appologize to the people that dont read my blog! My birthday went well enough, I went down to laura's for a week, then she came up to mine for 12 days. I went to Thorpe park while i was down there, and went on all the big rides etc... On my actual birthday me, Rahim, Laura and Louise went to the new Jamie Oliver resturant on High St and all had a great time. the food there was really really good, and at a resonable price! I also had sex! yeah, being in a relationship, that sounds like a small thing, but its the second time since we got back together in febuary. more on this later on...

I've sorted out university, and hopefully I will only have to do the first semester as Stage 1, then will move onto stage 2 in the second semester. So thats all in place, also sorted out my student loan, which i will be getting on the 22nd Sept. Got most of my debts sorted, cancelled my Accident insurance, which i just didnt need and hopefully everything will be back on track, at least financially, after i start uni!

back to the laura thing... We were speaking today, and ive been wondering for a while why im still with her, its like weve been drifting apart since we got back together last feb. She stopped kissing me, andhugging me, and we never showed our love to each other, and the long distance thing just got me down and down and down... So we broke up an hour ago over msn. Im not saying i dont love her, cos she means the world to me, and i still have feelings for her, there just different feelings then the ones i was having a year ago. Like i told her, its nothing to do with her... for the most part anyway, I just cant cope with not seeing her, and feel at the moment i would be better off single. It really hurts knowing that you have someone there, but cant see them, or hold them, etc... and the lack of showing love when we are together puts me down as well. I can count the number of times we have hugged or properly kissed on one hand, and we have only had sex twice since we got back together. Its things like this that make a relationship work. I can handle the arguements, and to some point, the not seeing each other that often, if only we showed each other how much we missed each other when we do see each other. This is what makes a relationship work... not seeing each other once every other month, and then acting like we see each other every day. Laura had also come down with genital warts, so i had myself tested and got the all clear, this also started bringing things into my mind, was she cheating on me etc. I know you can have them and not show any symptoms for upto 8 months and all that, but i must question it.

It all just got too much in the end, I need to consentrate on work and uni, and i cant spend every second thinking about things like this.

There really isnt any other major news... Got 2 new girls at work, Gemma I get on with really really well, and Eli, I will be working with her this weekend. Its Robin's Birthday on friday, so we are having a BBQ tomorrow for him, he's been getting help with his drinking problem and it seems to be working, but like i kep reminding my nan, for how long? we will see...

I promice to write sooner this time! so that all my avid readers can keep up with the turmoils of my life!

Peace

And todays tunage is...... Delerium - Silence [DJ Tiesto remix]

and the shit continues

2008-05-26T22:01:00.003+01:00

Hey, Its Bank Holiday Monday, just dropped Laura off at the train station, and i feel like shit! Im just fed up with EVERYTHING! with laura, with work, with uni, with family, with money problems, with my nan, with every tiny little part of my pathetic life... I just dont know what to do any more!

As much as I love laura, every time she comes up to visit, which is near on every week or two, I just feel that i cant be myself, and chill out. I dont go into town to meet my friends, my nan constantly moans at me, my cigarettes last only half as long, which means i have to end up borrowing money, which i get moaned at about even more, and all my money seems to disappear! admittedly, im not taking her for meals etc, shes paying for them, at least for the last few months. Its just... oh I dont know... she doesnt show she loves me, Im one of those clingy people, I like just laying in bed cuddling, holding hands, kissing, and I mean prperly kissing, not the laura kissing which is just a peck on the lips, the lack of sex, gone well over 2 months now... and the distance doesnt help anything! and every time shes up here shes got something wrong with her. Yeah I know shes proberly going through alot, shes back on anti-depressants etc, but I dont need to hear about it every week, I've got my own problems to sort out.... Theres so much more i could go on about, but i just cant be bothered any more...

With work its not so bad, Its like when me and Rahim had the fight never happened... and all is good, give or take the new assisstant manager. He's taken over lou's job, and I'm sorry but hes shit. He's a good barman, but hes really lazy and has never had a supervisors job before, let alone assisstant manager, he cant take a joke half the time, and is just generally not cut out for the job! I should of taken the damn job offer!!! It would of gotten me away from my nan and out of this stupid mess!

Saying that... life isnt bad at home, all my bills are paid for, and internet, telephone, food etc is all free, its just the incandessent, constant moaning at every single thing i do! With my depression at an all time low, I dont need my nan moaning at me 24/7

Money wise, Im only £200 over my £1000 overdraft! and I still got £1500 on my debt to pay! plus what I owe my nan for the previous god knows how many years! but everything else is fine, give or take the lack of money! gonna go look for a well paid job, dont care what its doing!

Hmm... lets see about uni... got a meeting tomorrow with Anne Becker, shes the head of department for my course, and will be discussing about what happens because Ive definitly failed this year, not that I've told any of my family, or my nan! I'm hoping to resit over summer, or at least take the failed modules along side the second year. Im just not sure! well we will see what happens tomorrow!

There really is so much more i could moan about, i just dont have the energy to continue, so Im signing out and crashing!

Peace

Occam's Razor

2008-05-16T00:29:00.002+01:00

as stated... "entia non sunt multiplicanda praeter necessitatem" was just listening to the song Occam's Razor by 30 seconds to mars, and its struck me... the meaning of Occam's razor... you all know im into this sci-fi, techno, babbling, meaning of the universe stuff... so anyway entia non sunt multiplicanda praeter necessitatem", or "entities should not be multiplied beyond necessity" absolutly makes sense...

just a short one for tongiht, me tired!

Peace x

The moment has gone

2008-05-14T19:16:00.002+01:00

With blood shot eyes, I watch you sleeping
The warmth I feel beside me is slowly fading
Would she hear me, if I called her name?
Would she hold me, if she knew my shame?

There's always something different going wrong
The path I walk is in the wrong direction
There's always someone fucking hanging on
Can anybody help me makes things better?

Your tears don't fall, they crash around me
Her conscious calls, too guilty to come home
Your tears don't fall, they crash around me
Her conscience calls, too guilty to come home

The moments died, I hear no screaming
The visions left inside me are slowly fading
Would she hear me, if I called her name?
Would she hold me, if she knew my shame?

There's always something different going wrong
The path I walk is in the wrong direction
There's always someone fucking hanging on
Can anybody help me makes it better?

Your tears don't fall, they crash around me
Her conscious calls, too guilty to come home
Your tears don't fall, they crash around me
Her conscience calls, too guilty to come home

This battered room I've seen before
The broken bones they heal no more, no more
With my last breath I'm choking
Will this ever end I'm hoping
My world is over one more time

Let's go!

Would she hear me, if I called her name?
Would she hold me, if she knew my shame?

There's always something different going wrong
The path I walk is in the wrong direction
There's always someone fucking hanging on
Can anybody help me makes it better?

Your tears don't fall, they crash around me
Her conscious calls, too guilty to come home
Your tears don't fall, they crash around me
Her conscience calls, too guilty to come

Back!

Your tears don't fall, they crash around me
Her conscience calls, too guilty to come home

Yeah... been two months, and what a damn fucked up two months its been! I think the lyrics above represent my current state of mind.. need i say more? Robin (thats my dad) has "quit" drinking yet again, and as usual the family seem to think he means it... we will see! apart from that, Im really feeling down with not being near Laura, its kinda upsetting, and its making me think about things like why i'm with her, what happened in previous relationships to to make me like this, and generally about how much I fucking love her! I also didnt work last weekend cos of Laura's birthday, she came up for five whole days, we chilled out, went ice skating, went out drinking etc... all good! I had an exam last Saturday, then me and the guys went to the Red Lion, which used to be the Goose, in town. Had a few pints, got myself a tiny bit tipsy, went onto coke two hours before i was meant to start work, just to sober myself up. Went into work at 2:30pm, to start at 3:30pm, and Rahim (the general manager) knew i had been drinking, we had a big fight about how i was there to get something to eat before i started, sober up type of thing, he told me to go home and come back sober, i told him to fuck off and walked out. I wasn't in the mood, I would of been fine to work! anyway...

Met Nat in town that day, chilled with the guys down by the river in Christ Church, all good fun!!!!

Really need to sort out whats going on with uni! gonna go in on Monday, and try to speak to someone! I know I've failed! I've hopefully passed three modules out of the eight, and we need to pass six to pass the year. I'm hoping they let me resit over summer or next year.

I went into work today and spoke to Rahim, we both said sorry... blah blah blah... hugged... I almost broke down, actually talked to someone about all my problems... which felt good, even if it was really hard to do! Just need to find something constructive to sort my problems out with...

Got a new craving for 30 seconds to mars, and Bullet for my valentine! Especially "todays tunage" lyrics of which are the ones up there^^

Anyways.... I'm gonna go chill out now! Peace!

And todays tunage is...... Bullet for my Valentine - Tears don't fall

life goes on...

2008-03-22T13:36:00.002Z

Been reading quite a bit recently.. the usual sci-fi stuff etc, but ive switched authors and been reading Dan Simmons. I've read his first book, "Ilium" and it just took me away, it was all very interesting and Im now on his second book, "Olympos". But this isnt the reason im writing today, its to discuss Brane theory and the likes. Now I know theres not many people out there that will even have a vague understanding in it, but its along the lines of parallel worlds, quantum physics, and the ilk.

The book im reading doesnt go into much detail behind the theory of it, but it got me looking into it, and its all plausable. The idea is that there is a 5th dimension. We all know about our usual 3 dimensions, and time being the 4th dimension, but with Brane theory, it states there is a 5th dimension that represents multiple "parallel" universes. It also puts a new theory to the big bang. They are now saying that the big bang was caused by 2 Brane universe's hitting each other that caused the great erruption of power to cause the big bang. Im gonna have to read alot more on it, and go over alot more articles on the subject, but i dont see why this cant be fact. Its hard to believe in another dimension, let alone parallel worlds etc, and we all know how i wander off subject... but i love this stuff! this is science fiction becoming science fact! And we all know how quickly things can change in the lines of science. It was less then 30 years ago that Bill Gates stated that no one would need more then 640kb for a computer application. Well Moore's Law proved that wrong! along with people thinking the world was flat, Einstein (E=MC2), Darwin (Evolution), Newton (Gravity), Sagan (SETI). All these people took fiction and turned it to fact. Why cant it happen again?

On other news, Laura is up for 5 whole days, came up last Wednesday and going home on Monday. Not that I've seen much with her, saw her for a few hours yesterday, and shes staying at mine tonight, but not coming round til 5pm. Thats if she does. Im fed up really, this is the fourth time shes meant to be staying at mine in 5 weeks, and guess what... it will be the first! the other 3 times shes always cancelled on me, and its starting to annoy me! Its like she cares more about being at Jo's then she does about seeing her own boyfriend! I'm sure shes got her reasons, but im fed up of orginizing things around her, then her changing her mind at the last minute! I mean, shes here for 5 whole days and nights, and shes only staying at mine one night? Which was meant to be 2 originally. bleh.....

Saw 2 guys on guitars in town yesterday, one singing, and they were really really good. Kinda old school acoustic sound. Chill out songs, like Hallelujah, and cannonball by Damien Rice, and Give me a reason to love you by Portishead. They were that good i actually brought their CD!

And todays tunage is...... Peter Strakos - Give me a reason to love you / Easy

well its valentines day

2008-02-15T00:18:00.002Z

So its Thursday Febuary 14th and I've actually recieved a Valentines card! Theres a first for everything I suppose. Its from Laura, and it really did put a smile on my face when i opened it! I sent her card out, along with a Single red rose! Yeah I know what your thinking, cheap bastard only sending a single rose. But this is a large, single rose, with a Diamante pin, in a glass vase, and cost me £25 it was also my last £25 which means Im skint til froday which is fine by me, Laura is worth every penny of it!

Maybe I should state first the I ended it with megan, and am now going back out with Laura? just so as not to confuse you all? lmfao

I never really stopped loving laura, and as much as i thought I loved Megan, Im sure I was just using her to rebound my heartache from missing Laura. Its hard to explain, its like... umm... oh I dont know. But Megan was fine with it all, and she wanted to end it as well anyway, so we are still friends which is good. It just wasnt working out, with my work and uni, her school and not being able to tell anyone cos of the age gap, and not being able to go to either of our houses etc... It was putting a big strain on it all. Well, im back with Laura now and im as happy as a depressed suicidal goth can be.... lol! not that im THAT depressed, or suicidal any more! Mostly, my life is back on track, just need to sort out my debts, that are slowly getting less and less, sort out medical stuff... and generally crack on with uni.

Work is going well, and we finally had our Christmas party last night! We all met at work, had a few drinks there then headed off to Pizza Express for dinner. I had the usual, Dough balls for starters, and Diavolo pizza for the main. Had a bottle of Chianti as well. We then all headed off to Thirst for a few drinks. All in all it was a good night, with a taxi home after.

on the gaming front, Ive finally brought Guitar hero 3, minus the wireless guitar, and its actually not that bad! also got assassins creed. Its not the top notch game its made out to be, but its good fun! Started playing more DoD again, which has been enjoyable, especially with my new computer (Zeus) and its really great! been modding windows most of the time, sorting it out into a semi decent system, just need to sort a few more things out, like formatting my old hard drive, and building my server and hooking it up to the network!

Off to bed now, working all this weekend, which im not complaining about as I need the money!

Lost track of time...

2008-02-04T00:08:00.001Z

So its now 2008... firstly Happy new year, and I hope you all had a better christmas then i did! Ok, so we all know Im scrouge when it comes to christmas, I hate it! more so then other things im not about to mention! Luckily there went many family problems... which is a plus!

New years eve I went to a party at Beth's. I also dragged Zack, Lottie, and Megan along as I was told to bring who I wanted! Let me just explain... Beth is a friend Lewis introduced me to. Lew and beth speak online and beth has a xbox 360 and when i got mine lewis gave me her addy so i had someone to play with online! now, we all know about zack and lottie, and lewis and megan. The thing is, Beth also invited Lewis, who brought Lee and our sister Stacey(who btw... cant handle her drink... my birthday... need i say more?) Now Beth happens to live just round the corner from me, but even scarier, i know her mom and dad as they both drink in trhe Gloc! Scary! Plus one of beths friends that were there was a guy i spent some time with via job centre doing a 2 week course... Also a ton of the saturday lot were there, which was great!

Anyway... back to the point! around 11pm new years eve... Megan throws up, sick everywhere, but its in the back garden, so all kool! I take her drink off her, get some water, and take her for a walk to get some air! ohh... and btw... alot of people were smoking weed as well... including megan... anyway... I end up taking megan for a walk, to clear her system etc... like you should after you've been sick... But we end up in the park, with me laid on the wet floor and her ontop of me... not that im complaining... lol.... .She ended up coming back to mine... with zack and lottie... and yeah.... ok..... Problem is, my nan found out, got freaked... said i treat this place like a whore house... cos i had sex with a girl? how the fuck does she expect me to live a normal live if i cant bring back a girl? Especially seeming as Im single at the time... Im not gonna get into any of it.... cant be bothered and its all too complicated to explain on here!

In other news... I spent last night at Gemma's which was great fun! alcohol, chinese etc... and I met Melanie, which is Gemma's cousin's girlfriend. Gemma's cousin is Carl, the one who is over in Iraq at the moment... But anyway... shes a nice girl, and I know how much trouble Carl went to asking her out! lol! Leah has also grown up alot! speaking even better now, and shes also started school! Gemma has lost alot of weight, and looking great as ever! Also helped carl sort his computer out!

Been playing Assassins creed and Guitar hero 3 alot! they are both great! also got a figure thingy with Assassin's creed. It was the limited edition box set thing! its great! lol!

Also brought a ton of stuff recently... to finally build a new computer! we are speaking...

AMD Athlon 64 X2 6400+ (3.2GHz Dual core)
Asus M2N-E SLI nForce 500 Mobo
2Gb Corsair DDR2-PC6400 ram (800MHz)
400Gb Seagate Baracuda SATA HDD
Black / Silver Wizard Case - with 25cm side LED fan & 12cm front LED fan
600watt PSU with silent 12cm fan

Almost finished building it... will post when im finished!

And todays tunage is...... Dragonforce - Through the fire and flames (Guitar Hero 3)

On a cold winters night...

2007-12-22T01:50:00.000Z

Walking through the streets, 2am , a few days before christmas. Breathing out and watching it form whispy clouds of mist. Breathing in, letting the cold, frozen air freeze my already ice cold black remnants of what once was a heart. Thinking to myself of when it was warm inside me, when there seemed to be no worries and no problems with life, because one special person made every conceivable problem just melt away. Now shattered like it once was, oh so many years ago, after only just starting to heal itself. The cold misty iced air freezing and suffocating the tips of my fingers, my brain telling me that its cold, but I just dont care any more, there is no reason to care... without her around me...

Thinking of laura really does hurt me.. I love her so much, but so much has changed and I'm blaiming myself, Yes most if it proberly is me, I did change quite a bit while i was with her, but we had a communication problem, or rather, I wouldnt speak to her about how I felt. I still love her with every second of every day, and I would honestly do just about anything to be with her again, but we all know its not going to happen. I which I could just open up to people, and especially her. to tell her Im sorry... and I want to work things out between us... is it going to take me another 5 years to move on from her? I just dont want to do that.... Do I tell her that i almost killed myself after she left? yeah i know... I said i wouldnt... but i just couldnt handle it all, the pressures from work, uni, friends, family, the misscarrage, and loosing her... I cant even tell my friends.. I know they would be there for me, and help me through it, but I HAVE to act like Im ok, i dont want to burden them with my pain. The phsyciatrist wanted me on anti depressents, and Im not about to do that again... last time they made me even worse. Well Ive finally stopped seeing Liz (the phsyciatrist) and yeah it helped, but I couldnt even tell her half the stuff... She said I should speak to people and open up more, express my feelings and communicate with laura and my family... no thanks...

My problem at the moment really is... Do i buy Laura a christmas pressent, and if so, what do I get her? I was looking at this necklace that I think she will like, but its expensive and its something you would buy your girlfriend, not your ex... I dont know I should spend the money on something that says "I love you" or buy something that you would a friend, knowing that shes proberly not got me anything anyway!

Megan has split up with lewis... like almost 2 months ago.. and me and her are still friends which is really pissing off lewis... oh well... shes also banned from being in my bedroom... my nan is a bitch... Megan is 15... but just cos shes a girl and im a guy, it doesnt mean anything is going on... but we were play fighting, cant remember why we were fighting, it was something trivial... but my nan walked in, and saw us, on my bed, her kinda laid ontop of me, pinning me down, it didnt look good....

I dont care, shes a nice girl, but she is way to young for me, and we are only friends... my nan is just old fashioned... We are going london, or more precisly, to camdon on monday. Last minute christmas shopping. Will be really good fun, havent been in a while! Was meant to go on thursday, but i had to work!!! Been working flat out over christmas which is good cos I need the money, but it does get tiring, I've just finished a 12 hour shift which hurt.... just like the good ole days in brum!!!!

Talking of brum... Im really tempted to just move back there... get away from everything, do my masters there and get an I.T. job!!! It would be nice!!! Well im off to bed now, the pubs last day before we close tomorrow and I've got a minimum of a 10 hour shift!!! so good night...