epicness of a long post....

so.... Im really not in the mood today, everything seems to be messing with me! DWP have stopped my money, so im not even getting my Employment & Support Allowance! I've appealed against it, and will fight it, with the backing of my doctors, but in the mean time, im skint! I have £500 worth of bills to pay, with no way of paying them, let alone my mobile bills every month ontop of that, along with the "over-balance" charges / interest on my bills :( So with no money, im now having to rely on my nan for my cigarettes etc, and with the money I already owe her, going into the thousands of pounds figures, i really dont want to ask her for the £519.01 that i need to pay my bills and bring my accounts into balance. let alone, any more cigarettes ontop of that until i start getting money again!

I did go into my bank to ask for a loan, but as im still on my student account, i cannot ask for a loan, and i shouldnt be on my student account... The only way my bank would give me a loan would be for me to change back into a normal account, but I'd then have to pay a monthly fee for my overdraft, and start paying interest on it, which isnt a good idea, seeming as i owe alot as it is, and wouldnt be able to keep up the payments... so im sticking with the student account until i can sort it all out. Im thinking I'm going to speak to my nan and see what she thinks about me getting a £4000 loan to clear all my debts, which will pay off my overdraft, all my credit cards, and leave a bit for security. I dunno at the moment.

As for other things, stuff with Char isnt going so great at the moment. She's admitted that shes not eating as a form of self harm, which isnt good. I dunno what to do about that, shes not telling me why she would want to self harm :s She's always seeming down as well, and I know shes faking it when she looks happy. Im not sure if its me, or something else, and shes not about to say even if it was me. I know she loves me, but shes also complaining about every little thing i do, like today, we were chatting cos shes feeling down, and it makes a change for her to open up like this, but at least shes starting to talk about it! Anyway, i needed to go out with my nan, take her to the dentist, and then go do some shopping, so i told Char I would be back as soon as I could. I got ready and was waiting for my nan, and went on facebook quickly while she was finishing getting ready. Now Char texted me saying whiy was I on facebook, knowing she was feeling down and wanted to talk etc... I've received 2 more texts about how she thinks I dont care, and stuff... blah blah blah... and one text saying she still loves me! I then get home, and she wont talk about it now. This is the kind of "childishness" that i was talking about in previous posts, and I really dont need the hassle at the moment! I have way too much on my plate as it is!

I dunno what to do anymore, as much as I love her, this self-harming, and acting like a kid isnt the sort of relationship I want. Maybe its because of the age gap, maybe its because Im ill, and dont have the enegry I used to have, maybe its because she is only 17 and is actually still a kid, maybe its partly a mixure of all the above :s Im 26 now, and ill, and really cant be bothered with the stress of it all! Yeah, I love her to bits, and she means the world to me, but I dont know what to do anymore. I give up, Im just gonna let things run their course, and see where it goes. If we are meant to be together, then everything will work out, and if it doesnt? well, maybe being single for a while will be better for me? I really dont know what to do, and my depression is getting worse and worse, with all this ontop of "that time of year", Im gonna let things roll and see which direction it takes me in!

As with my stomach problems, Ive finally got an appointment at the hospital for a sigmoidoscopy. Whatever one of them is... At least its finally going somewhere! thats on the 18th September. I hope they find something, I'd rather know that I have some life threatening condition, then spend another year worrying whats wrong with me and not being able to do anything about it! Its about time the NHS, DWP, Hospital, and my doctors pulled their collective heads out of their arses!

Theres not much else to add, so heres the end of this long and overdue post! Peace to all! xXx