My 26th Birthday!

So im 26 today, wow... how great... well, not really! Im finding it hard to explain how i feel today. Im happy, cos its my birthday, i have great friends, and I have Char in my life, but i feel really down and apathetic at the moment, and im trying to work out why :s Yeah, ok, some of it is my depression kicking in, and with being off work ill (yes, its been almost 11 months now) its starting to get ot me, and im seriously thinking about taking up my doctors offer on seeking professional help :s

I just dont know what to do with myself these days :( I mean, yes I have ways of coping with it all, the stress, the depression etc. I have Char, which helps alot, and i have my outlets like WoW and my poems, but thats not even helping these days. Im seriously considering ditching everything and disappearing for a while, but being sick, its just not gonna happen :( I cant afford my cigarettes, let alone my bills, so theres no chance of getting away for a bit :( Its not like I can afford to up and move or anything like i did last time i was this bad :( God I miss brum! I actually, if im honest with myself, worse then when i was when i moved to Birmingham, and as much as I wanna speak to someone about all this, I cant. I dont want to admit to someone, physically, that im this bad. I wanna hide it, and pretend theres nothing wrong with me, and act like im kinda sane!

Bleh, I dont know whats going on any more! My life is just a mess! Im gonna go bed and see how i feel tomorrow! I may just disappear for a few days or something when i get paid next weekend! Got an interview for my incapacity benefit tomorrow at the job centre, so will have to try and act like i havent totally lost it! hehe, fun times!

Good night world!