that time in your life...

In sat here, like I've been for the past few days, trying to find the right words to put down, how to express all these fucked up feelings i have at the moment, into actual words. The problem is, I cant do it, What I'm gonna write now doesn't equate to even 1% of my actual feelings, and emotions I've been having over the last few days.

OK, so we all know when / how Lauren Dumped me, and i mentioned a fling with Elly, it lasted a whole weekend, until she got back with Daniel, and to be honest, Yes I love her, but it would never work out, and I was probably just relapsing from the loss of Lauren, I don't really know. Things got really complicated between me and Elly, and I hurt her, and I'm sorry for what happened between us in the past, but I wont go into the full story... Its all written here anyway. I've also patched things up with Charlotte, or did, anyway. That's all gone south now as well, more on that later.

I'm gonna start with the whole Lauren thing right now. Yes, 3 weeks ago, she broke up with me, and it broke my heart, for her to say what she did, then start dating again so soon after? It tore me to pieces, I just didn't know what to do with myself. Believe it or not, that pain was worse then a bad day with my stomach pains. And then to see her telling her new boyfriend how she feels for him, using the exact lines she used on me. I was near on suicidal and was actually, seriously planning another disappearing trip, maybe not as long as the last one, i cant really afford to disappear for a year this time!

Thing is, I got home from hospital this morning (more on that after this) and fell to sleep, woke up, and decided to start moving, and came upstairs and went online, Emily asked me to unblock Lauren to speak to her, along with quite a few facebook messages saying shes sorry etc and wanting to talk. I actually cried while replying to one of her facebook messages. I then decided, OK I'll unblock her and chat. And we had a long discussion, and she told me how she made a terrible mistake, and was scared and that she loved me still. Now the thing is, I still love her, with all the pieces of my broken shattered heart, but is it enough to take her back? What happens if she gets "scared" again? And what about her boyfriend? She said she still loves him too, is this gonna end up like a Georgie thing? I want her back so damn much, but I've been heart broken one too many times already, and I dont think I could handle another one just quite yet. Do I risk it and gamble my emotional self, or try to move on? Ive had a few girlfriends in the past, and each one of them means something, in a different way to me. But really, for someone to come along and for me to fall in love with like this, it doesnt happen that often. Well, its happened three times... Alison, Laura and Elly. Lauren would be the forth, in the sense that she has actually taken my breath away, its too hard to explain in words. And I know some of my ex's will be reading this, and I loved them, in ways, and I wouldn't of changed the experiences Ive had for anything. But bleh...

Anyway in doing all this, i happened to mention it to Charlotte, and now she isnt speaking to me, because she wanted to patch things up with me and stuff. She says I used her and in a way, looking back on it, yeah, I can see how she would see that. But Lauren has costed me a friendship, and I know, friends should come before relationships, but Lauren means THAT much to me. I'm gonna meet Lauren tomorrow hopefully. Then I can speak to her, properly, and decide on what to do.

Now, hospital. Went in today, and no, it wasn't just a normal MRI scan. The stuck a tube in my nose, that went down my throat, into my stomach, and all the way to my lower intestine. It felt terrible, and I kept gagging. Anyway, the got the tube in, then inserted a metal rod into the tube to help direct it a bit, just to make sure it was in the right place, then after removing that, a chemical got pushed through the tube, into my lower intestines. They took a few x-rays, removed the tube, i waited ten minutes, they took some more, then I got a nice half hour break, told to drink water, then went back in and they took some more x-rays. all dreadfully boring, and I still feel like I have a tube at the back of my throat. Its a weird feeling. But yeah, the scans seemed fine, but will be analyzed, and I should know something in about 2 weeks.

Gonna try and get some sleep now, wanna wake up early, and phone the docs to get some more pain killers, and yet another sick note.

Peace xxx

well, how wonderful! we all know the doctors messed it up when they thought it was my appendix, well last tuesday i got rushed back into hospital, the pain was THAT bad. They still cant work out what is wrong with me. Had an ultrasound and everything looks ok. No ulcers, no fluid, kidneys are fine, gall bladder is fine, hernia is fine. They were talking about genetic diseases and mentioned Crohn's disease...

Anyway, released yesterday, with yet another month off work, and a battery of tests to go through. Cameras, MRI's and a dozen other scans... im hoping they can find out whats wrong with me! I cant stand this pain! and the tramadol they have given me doesn't work, it just makes me tired! At least in the hospital i was on morphine, and it knocked me out so i didn't feel the pain.

More later, when i figure out anything!

Peace xxx

like it was before?

ok, so yesterday, Lauren broke up with me. Her excuse was that with college, and my work she would never have the time to see me, and to save all the heart ache, she would rather end it now. Ok so its kinda a pathetic excuse. but its over. I know know... im just confused at the moment, and Ive kinda hooked back up with one of my ex's. We arnt dating again, but things are back to how they were before... i think, i dont know, its all confusing. Im just gonna see how things go.

I dont really wanna rush anything at the moment. I wanna take my time and see how things go. Meeting this ex tomorrow, and going to emily's house warming party in the evening. So that will be fun.

I ended up going back to the doctor today, and have got some new meds that will hopefully help with the pains. Apparently they are just post op, it seems like when they operated on me, all the bumps and what not have messed around with my insides, and its just taking a lil longer then normal for everything to get back into place etc.

Back to work on tuesday, so hopefully im all better by then! ohh... ive also got the new guitar hero 5 game, it came out today!

Im off to bed now! so peace xxx

feeling down

Bleh... where to start... I dont know why, but im feeling really down right now! nothings really happened to make me feel like this, so its stupid really. Ok, so everything is going on ok between me and lauren at the moment. Its been almost 2 months, and we've had our arguements, but i love her so damn much! I just been thinking back on old memories, and its depressing, so i really should stop, but i keep thinking what if this happened or what if that happened...

I also just found out a friend i like has got a new girlfriend, and im happy for them! but ive also come across some old emails from a certain person... not mentioning names... and the things we had, how it was between us, yet nothing happened... and i keep asking myself what if it did? everything is so confusing at the moment.

Id mention more but it would just make me think about it even more, and i dont want to! I want to be happy with lauren! but remembering the old times, ive had with girls that never actually turned into anything, and the things that could of happened, if i was still single right now... its hard to explain but i know what i mean! or at least i think i do!

I'm confused and depressed, and cant be bothered with this pathetic excuse of a life any more! i know, i know... i wont! but still... why cant everything be normal? Everyone seems so happy with their lifes, relationships and everything, then theres me who fucks everything up so easily. I just want to have a normal life.

anyway... going to the docs on friday, cos the pain from my op hasnt gone away, and it should have by now! meant to be back at work on tuesday! I also ordered some new bar stuff for myself, should arrive soon ish! that will cheer me up!

Peace xx

a hospital visit...

OK so Ive had an upset stomach for the past week, but on saturday I woke up with the runs, and was doubled up in pain, so i phoned work and told them i couldnt come in. Thinking i would be better, i left it at that. But Sunday morning came, and I was no better, my nan forced me to finally ring the doctors and I went down at 5pm and got looked over. By 7pm I was in hospital. Apparently it was my appendix, and monday morning I had an opperation to have it removed. I dont remember a thing about the op itself, as I was out cold, but it all went well from what i was told. And it was all done via keyhole surgery. So no major scars. Only problem now is that Im still doubled over in pain. Was on paracetamol, tramadol and morphene while i was in the hospital, and now im home they hae changed the morphene for Dicofenac. Of course Im still in alot of pain, been told to take 2 weeks off work, and Im not allowed to do any heavy lifting or staining. So Im laid on the sofa taking it easy!

A few minor problems, one, is my nan has tidied my bedroom, and gone through my top drawer! The one she says is always private and she would never look through! She's binned half a packet of my shortcake, a whole pack of bourbons and a £10 bag of cinnimon jelly beans which i cant buy here :( Im also gonna have a major paycut because of the sick pay! Going from £250 week to something like £60 a week is gonna be tough!

Anyway, for the good news, Im taking Lauren upto blackpool during half term, for a few days, she's never seen the lights and i havent seen them in years, so that will be fun, and I will get to see Demi since shes moved up that way, and me and Lauren get to spend some quality time alone, together!!! I really do love her to bits! and wish i could spend more time with her!

Gonna go let the tramadol knock me out again now, before dinner!

Peace xxx