When everyone around you is falling in love, or getting back with ex's, or just otherwise unobtainable, and your sat on the sidelines, watching all this happen, with no one to love you, or even care about you, it really makes you start thinking about whats wrong with yourself. I watch guys, not only from the saturday lot, but people my age, and older, out, getting laid on weekends, having fun, sleeping around, enjoying their lifes, with or without girlfriends, and im questioning myself why i find it so hard to do any of that :S I always end up falling for the girl who I cant have, even the ones that are single! Is there something wrong with me? I must be doing something for this not to happen!
Should I change my ways, and start just using girls? and sleeping with whoever? Its totally not my style, and i couldnt see myself doing it, but all of this is really making me depressed. I dont really know what to think any more. Especially when you have people, and i know they are my friends, but, like Ian, with three girlfriends on the go at once, Woodzy and paul, bouncing straight into relationships one after the other, and on...and on... with every other guy out there. They all find it so easy to just move on, god, im still not over Laura, and that was 6 months ago!
Town was fun today, for some part anyway. Finally got to see Ali after her week away, and i told her i knew that she wasnt a virgin any more, and im somewhat jealous, and upset that she didnt tell me. it was still good to see her though! Matilda finally came into town for the first time in ages! we had a nice long chat and constant cuddling, and god shes sexy :p hmmm... *plans kidnapping* hehe... if only! Ali thinks that ive started moving on from being in love with her, and maybe shes partially right, yes there are other girls i really like, but i still love Ali to bits, and i would like to get into a relationship with someone else, cos i dont see Ali and ben splitting up any time soon, but who knows! There is one girl I proberly like, slightly more then Ali at the moment and she is single, but shes not over her ex... so time will tell on that one!
im in that "dazed and confused" stage of depression at the moment, Im not sure what I should do, and I dont really care about any of it. I will post later when im in the mood!
Peace xx
Saturday, 21 February 2009
so far so shit
ok, where to start, besides me complaining at how much life sucks, and i feel like shit etc etc... Ali has spent the last week down with Ben at his dads, which is down south somewhere. Really miss her, but she rang me the other day, and despite the rubbish signal she had, it was good to hear her voice. What I have heard, and ALi "forgot" to mention it, is that they have had sex :( I shouldnt really be sad, but it reminds me of how close Ali and ben are, and reminds me that shes not actually MY girlfriend. Oh well... life goes on. I'd say I have the other two girls I hancy but I dont!
Demi is now back with Dom, for the third time. I would of thought that after the last two times she would of realized that its not working out and its time to move on but nope. oh well, as long as shes happy. Then of course, the next best thing to ali... Kayleigh! I really do like her... ALOT.... but it looks like shes getting back with tom. Was at beths tonight after work, and they were both there, and they were outside kissing... so poor me! yes, i want your pity, and sympathy....
on other stuff, i have this really bad tooth ache, and its painful! really should go see a dentist! work is going well, 40 odd hours a week, great pay... when i finally get it! Nothing else is really happening in my boring, nonquizential life at the moment! it totally sucks! i think im relapsing, i keep thinking of why im even alive, which reminds me of "those" days.... and that just makes me even more depressed!
ima go bed now,
Peace xx
And todays tunage is...... Kill Hannah - Lips like morphine
Demi is now back with Dom, for the third time. I would of thought that after the last two times she would of realized that its not working out and its time to move on but nope. oh well, as long as shes happy. Then of course, the next best thing to ali... Kayleigh! I really do like her... ALOT.... but it looks like shes getting back with tom. Was at beths tonight after work, and they were both there, and they were outside kissing... so poor me! yes, i want your pity, and sympathy....
on other stuff, i have this really bad tooth ache, and its painful! really should go see a dentist! work is going well, 40 odd hours a week, great pay... when i finally get it! Nothing else is really happening in my boring, nonquizential life at the moment! it totally sucks! i think im relapsing, i keep thinking of why im even alive, which reminds me of "those" days.... and that just makes me even more depressed!
ima go bed now,
Peace xx
And todays tunage is...... Kill Hannah - Lips like morphine
Monday, 9 February 2009
so much lost and gained
Its been a while... Im sat here, in my new, bigger bedroom, smoking a Ziganov Black! oh the joys... if only!
So much has happened recently, and im still trying to work out how it all happened so quickly. Lets start from the beginning....
The weekend beginning friday 30th Jan me and Ali went to Birmingham with Beth to visit Josh. I booked me and Ali a hotel room, and we shared a double bed, to make it cheaper etc... I had my student loan that weekend, and I khad the money, but I didnt want to blow it all in one weekend. It was great to be back in Birmingham, even if it was just for the weekend. Apart from taking Lewis to the MCR gig, I havent been back to Brum since i moved back to Oxford. We spent the weekend going to bars down Broad St, and shopping in the Bull Ring. Overall it was a great time, and I spent it with a great girl, but thats the cause of all this. I've fallen in love with Ali. We ended up kissing while we were in brum, and its all gone tits up since then!
Ali told her boyfriend, Ben, about it all, and he's forgiven her, which is great for her, even if i did want Ben to dump her... I've also told Elly, and the only responce I got was "ok". I was expecting her to be angry, or upset, or jealous or something... anything apart from just turning around and saying ok. I feel that Elly hasnt been putting anything into this relationship, and all the pressure has been put onto me to make it work between us. This, along with the guilt of cheating on her, I've split up with Elly.
Im not sure how I feel about it, and Im still trying to work out my feelings. Its really confusing, because Ive fallen for Ali, even though I know I cant have her, and am playing a waiting game, but I still love Elly... or rather... IM not sure if it really was love? Did i just get with her as a rebound? and did she just go out with me to make me happy? if thats the case, then it worked, she made me feel great, but not being able to spend any time with her, and when we did it was never alone. Its all messed up.
Im not sure whats gonna happen now. Im just gonna play things for a while, and see where it takes me. I hate being single, or rather, i hate the lack of sex, caused by being single. Im not gonna go into details, to save you from the insanity caused by my illogical thinking.
Also, on the 29th Jan, the new owner took over the pub. James Knox. A really good guy, and mightily tall. He's got some really good plans for the pub! Including closing down after St Patricks day for a month for a full refurb! Ive also been working 40 odd hours a week, which is alot better then the 6 hours a week I was doing before. The only real problem is changing to monthly pay. But i should be paid this friday, and I get my student loan at the end of the month.
As with uni, I got my failed results through. Theres no way I can get back in, but im seriously thinking of going to Open University this september and transfering my points across! Im gonna see what happens! I havent told my nan the whole truth tho, I told her Im meeting Anne Becker to sort things out about transfering to O.U.
Being single sucks! Especially when your in love with someone you cant have! Me and Ali are still really good friends, and she keeps saying she thinks shes leading me on, but thats not the case. Yeah, she used to have a crush on me, and im not totally sure what her feelings on me still are, but only time will tell, heaven knows, i may actually find someone else, or even, Heaven forbid someone close to my age :S
So much more has happened, but half of it is petty little stuff, and not worth mentioning here! Will write more when i get the time.
Peace xx
And todays tunage is...... Garbage - Stupid Girl
So much has happened recently, and im still trying to work out how it all happened so quickly. Lets start from the beginning....
The weekend beginning friday 30th Jan me and Ali went to Birmingham with Beth to visit Josh. I booked me and Ali a hotel room, and we shared a double bed, to make it cheaper etc... I had my student loan that weekend, and I khad the money, but I didnt want to blow it all in one weekend. It was great to be back in Birmingham, even if it was just for the weekend. Apart from taking Lewis to the MCR gig, I havent been back to Brum since i moved back to Oxford. We spent the weekend going to bars down Broad St, and shopping in the Bull Ring. Overall it was a great time, and I spent it with a great girl, but thats the cause of all this. I've fallen in love with Ali. We ended up kissing while we were in brum, and its all gone tits up since then!
Ali told her boyfriend, Ben, about it all, and he's forgiven her, which is great for her, even if i did want Ben to dump her... I've also told Elly, and the only responce I got was "ok". I was expecting her to be angry, or upset, or jealous or something... anything apart from just turning around and saying ok. I feel that Elly hasnt been putting anything into this relationship, and all the pressure has been put onto me to make it work between us. This, along with the guilt of cheating on her, I've split up with Elly.
Im not sure how I feel about it, and Im still trying to work out my feelings. Its really confusing, because Ive fallen for Ali, even though I know I cant have her, and am playing a waiting game, but I still love Elly... or rather... IM not sure if it really was love? Did i just get with her as a rebound? and did she just go out with me to make me happy? if thats the case, then it worked, she made me feel great, but not being able to spend any time with her, and when we did it was never alone. Its all messed up.
Im not sure whats gonna happen now. Im just gonna play things for a while, and see where it takes me. I hate being single, or rather, i hate the lack of sex, caused by being single. Im not gonna go into details, to save you from the insanity caused by my illogical thinking.
Also, on the 29th Jan, the new owner took over the pub. James Knox. A really good guy, and mightily tall. He's got some really good plans for the pub! Including closing down after St Patricks day for a month for a full refurb! Ive also been working 40 odd hours a week, which is alot better then the 6 hours a week I was doing before. The only real problem is changing to monthly pay. But i should be paid this friday, and I get my student loan at the end of the month.
As with uni, I got my failed results through. Theres no way I can get back in, but im seriously thinking of going to Open University this september and transfering my points across! Im gonna see what happens! I havent told my nan the whole truth tho, I told her Im meeting Anne Becker to sort things out about transfering to O.U.
Being single sucks! Especially when your in love with someone you cant have! Me and Ali are still really good friends, and she keeps saying she thinks shes leading me on, but thats not the case. Yeah, she used to have a crush on me, and im not totally sure what her feelings on me still are, but only time will tell, heaven knows, i may actually find someone else, or even, Heaven forbid someone close to my age :S
So much more has happened, but half of it is petty little stuff, and not worth mentioning here! Will write more when i get the time.
Peace xx
And todays tunage is...... Garbage - Stupid Girl
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