that time in your life...

In sat here, like I've been for the past few days, trying to find the right words to put down, how to express all these fucked up feelings i have at the moment, into actual words. The problem is, I cant do it, What I'm gonna write now doesn't equate to even 1% of my actual feelings, and emotions I've been having over the last few days.

OK, so we all know when / how Lauren Dumped me, and i mentioned a fling with Elly, it lasted a whole weekend, until she got back with Daniel, and to be honest, Yes I love her, but it would never work out, and I was probably just relapsing from the loss of Lauren, I don't really know. Things got really complicated between me and Elly, and I hurt her, and I'm sorry for what happened between us in the past, but I wont go into the full story... Its all written here anyway. I've also patched things up with Charlotte, or did, anyway. That's all gone south now as well, more on that later.

I'm gonna start with the whole Lauren thing right now. Yes, 3 weeks ago, she broke up with me, and it broke my heart, for her to say what she did, then start dating again so soon after? It tore me to pieces, I just didn't know what to do with myself. Believe it or not, that pain was worse then a bad day with my stomach pains. And then to see her telling her new boyfriend how she feels for him, using the exact lines she used on me. I was near on suicidal and was actually, seriously planning another disappearing trip, maybe not as long as the last one, i cant really afford to disappear for a year this time!

Thing is, I got home from hospital this morning (more on that after this) and fell to sleep, woke up, and decided to start moving, and came upstairs and went online, Emily asked me to unblock Lauren to speak to her, along with quite a few facebook messages saying shes sorry etc and wanting to talk. I actually cried while replying to one of her facebook messages. I then decided, OK I'll unblock her and chat. And we had a long discussion, and she told me how she made a terrible mistake, and was scared and that she loved me still. Now the thing is, I still love her, with all the pieces of my broken shattered heart, but is it enough to take her back? What happens if she gets "scared" again? And what about her boyfriend? She said she still loves him too, is this gonna end up like a Georgie thing? I want her back so damn much, but I've been heart broken one too many times already, and I dont think I could handle another one just quite yet. Do I risk it and gamble my emotional self, or try to move on? Ive had a few girlfriends in the past, and each one of them means something, in a different way to me. But really, for someone to come along and for me to fall in love with like this, it doesnt happen that often. Well, its happened three times... Alison, Laura and Elly. Lauren would be the forth, in the sense that she has actually taken my breath away, its too hard to explain in words. And I know some of my ex's will be reading this, and I loved them, in ways, and I wouldn't of changed the experiences Ive had for anything. But bleh...

Anyway in doing all this, i happened to mention it to Charlotte, and now she isnt speaking to me, because she wanted to patch things up with me and stuff. She says I used her and in a way, looking back on it, yeah, I can see how she would see that. But Lauren has costed me a friendship, and I know, friends should come before relationships, but Lauren means THAT much to me. I'm gonna meet Lauren tomorrow hopefully. Then I can speak to her, properly, and decide on what to do.

Now, hospital. Went in today, and no, it wasn't just a normal MRI scan. The stuck a tube in my nose, that went down my throat, into my stomach, and all the way to my lower intestine. It felt terrible, and I kept gagging. Anyway, the got the tube in, then inserted a metal rod into the tube to help direct it a bit, just to make sure it was in the right place, then after removing that, a chemical got pushed through the tube, into my lower intestines. They took a few x-rays, removed the tube, i waited ten minutes, they took some more, then I got a nice half hour break, told to drink water, then went back in and they took some more x-rays. all dreadfully boring, and I still feel like I have a tube at the back of my throat. Its a weird feeling. But yeah, the scans seemed fine, but will be analyzed, and I should know something in about 2 weeks.

Gonna try and get some sleep now, wanna wake up early, and phone the docs to get some more pain killers, and yet another sick note.

Peace xxx