so much lost and gained

Its been a while... Im sat here, in my new, bigger bedroom, smoking a Ziganov Black! oh the joys... if only!

So much has happened recently, and im still trying to work out how it all happened so quickly. Lets start from the beginning....

The weekend beginning friday 30th Jan me and Ali went to Birmingham with Beth to visit Josh. I booked me and Ali a hotel room, and we shared a double bed, to make it cheaper etc... I had my student loan that weekend, and I khad the money, but I didnt want to blow it all in one weekend. It was great to be back in Birmingham, even if it was just for the weekend. Apart from taking Lewis to the MCR gig, I havent been back to Brum since i moved back to Oxford. We spent the weekend going to bars down Broad St, and shopping in the Bull Ring. Overall it was a great time, and I spent it with a great girl, but thats the cause of all this. I've fallen in love with Ali. We ended up kissing while we were in brum, and its all gone tits up since then!

Ali told her boyfriend, Ben, about it all, and he's forgiven her, which is great for her, even if i did want Ben to dump her... I've also told Elly, and the only responce I got was "ok". I was expecting her to be angry, or upset, or jealous or something... anything apart from just turning around and saying ok. I feel that Elly hasnt been putting anything into this relationship, and all the pressure has been put onto me to make it work between us. This, along with the guilt of cheating on her, I've split up with Elly.

Im not sure how I feel about it, and Im still trying to work out my feelings. Its really confusing, because Ive fallen for Ali, even though I know I cant have her, and am playing a waiting game, but I still love Elly... or rather... IM not sure if it really was love? Did i just get with her as a rebound? and did she just go out with me to make me happy? if thats the case, then it worked, she made me feel great, but not being able to spend any time with her, and when we did it was never alone. Its all messed up.

Im not sure whats gonna happen now. Im just gonna play things for a while, and see where it takes me. I hate being single, or rather, i hate the lack of sex, caused by being single. Im not gonna go into details, to save you from the insanity caused by my illogical thinking.

Also, on the 29th Jan, the new owner took over the pub. James Knox. A really good guy, and mightily tall. He's got some really good plans for the pub! Including closing down after St Patricks day for a month for a full refurb! Ive also been working 40 odd hours a week, which is alot better then the 6 hours a week I was doing before. The only real problem is changing to monthly pay. But i should be paid this friday, and I get my student loan at the end of the month.

As with uni, I got my failed results through. Theres no way I can get back in, but im seriously thinking of going to Open University this september and transfering my points across! Im gonna see what happens! I havent told my nan the whole truth tho, I told her Im meeting Anne Becker to sort things out about transfering to O.U.

Being single sucks! Especially when your in love with someone you cant have! Me and Ali are still really good friends, and she keeps saying she thinks shes leading me on, but thats not the case. Yeah, she used to have a crush on me, and im not totally sure what her feelings on me still are, but only time will tell, heaven knows, i may actually find someone else, or even, Heaven forbid someone close to my age :S

So much more has happened, but half of it is petty little stuff, and not worth mentioning here! Will write more when i get the time.

Peace xx

And todays tunage is...... Garbage - Stupid Girl