Walking through the streets, 2am , a few days before christmas. Breathing out and watching it form whispy clouds of mist. Breathing in, letting the cold, frozen air freeze my already ice cold black remnants of what once was a heart. Thinking to myself of when it was warm inside me, when there seemed to be no worries and no problems with life, because one special person made every conceivable problem just melt away. Now shattered like it once was, oh so many years ago, after only just starting to heal itself. The cold misty iced air freezing and suffocating the tips of my fingers, my brain telling me that its cold, but I just dont care any more, there is no reason to care... without her around me...Thinking of laura really does hurt me.. I love her so much, but so much has changed and I'm blaiming myself, Yes most if it proberly is me, I did change quite a bit while i was with her, but we had a communication problem, or rather, I wouldnt speak to her about how I felt. I still love her with every second of every day, and I would honestly do just about anything to be with her again, but we all know its not going to happen. I which I could just open up to people, and especially her. to tell her Im sorry... and I want to work things out between us... is it going to take me another 5 years to move on from her? I just dont want to do that.... Do I tell her that i almost killed myself after she left? yeah i know... I said i wouldnt... but i just couldnt handle it all, the pressures from work, uni, friends, family, the misscarrage, and loosing her... I cant even tell my friends.. I know they would be there for me, and help me through it, but I HAVE to act like Im ok, i dont want to burden them with my pain. The phsyciatrist wanted me on anti depressents, and Im not about to do that again... last time they made me even worse. Well Ive finally stopped seeing Liz (the phsyciatrist) and yeah it helped, but I couldnt even tell her half the stuff... She said I should speak to people and open up more, express my feelings and communicate with laura and my family... no thanks...
My problem at the moment really is... Do i buy Laura a christmas pressent, and if so, what do I get her? I was looking at this necklace that I think she will like, but its expensive and its something you would buy your girlfriend, not your ex... I dont know I should spend the money on something that says "I love you" or buy something that you would a friend, knowing that shes proberly not got me anything anyway!
Megan has split up with lewis... like almost 2 months ago.. and me and her are still friends which is really pissing off lewis... oh well... shes also banned from being in my bedroom... my nan is a bitch... Megan is 15... but just cos shes a girl and im a guy, it doesnt mean anything is going on... but we were play fighting, cant remember why we were fighting, it was something trivial... but my nan walked in, and saw us, on my bed, her kinda laid ontop of me, pinning me down, it didnt look good....
I dont care, shes a nice girl, but she is way to young for me, and we are only friends... my nan is just old fashioned... We are going london, or more precisly, to camdon on monday. Last minute christmas shopping. Will be really good fun, havent been in a while! Was meant to go on thursday, but i had to work!!! Been working flat out over christmas which is good cos I need the money, but it does get tiring, I've just finished a 12 hour shift which hurt.... just like the good ole days in brum!!!!
Talking of brum... Im really tempted to just move back there... get away from everything, do my masters there and get an I.T. job!!! It would be nice!!! Well im off to bed now, the pubs last day before we close tomorrow and I've got a minimum of a 10 hour shift!!! so good night...
