im hypocritical....

Yeah... Its been two and a half months since my last post, but so much has happened and I just havent been in the mood to write much...

I know on my last post i talked about the implications of my own death... well.... hmmm...

Me and laura finally broke up, and she moved back home, it was a bad time for me, I really do love her so much, even though I may not show it at times. but thats not the point... a few weeks after she moved back home she came up to visit and said she needed to talk to me, ok, i missed her and i knew that if i saw her again it would hurt like hell, but I went anyway. She dragged me off down iffley for a walk and talk, She turned round, when we were finally alone and told me shes three months pregnant. I was in shock, mainly becasue we both wanted kids, and after the last "scare" this was great news... I was so fucking happy, I was gonna be a dad, laura was gonna move back to oxford, we were gonna be together again... She went home on the sunday, I met her in town after i finished work at rosie's and I took her out for dinner. Yeah it wasnt the right time, but we went to shanghi 30's. Its a VERY posh chinese resturant. and neither of us were dressed for the occasion.

anyway... time goes on, we are constantly on the phone to each other... i lent her some cash, for food etc... I mean, you cant blame me, shes the one i love and the future mother of our child.

5 weeks ago yesterday (might be 6...) i got a phonecall, I was at lotties, just before going up to help Phil at scouts. It was laura, and she was upset... about 5 mins in, i broke down, She told me she had miscarried. I just crumbled. I havent really spoken about it til now... just a few nods to people and telling them what happened, but I havent spoken about how seriously its fucked me up. I mean, not only am i NOT going to be a dad, but Ive also lost laura, again. and I just feel like shit. even this far after it. Laura seems to be fine, yeah, shes been here before, but shit! shes acting like it happened to someone else. She came up a few weelks ago and i went to see her again... And we basically ignored each other. I mis her so much, but im also in so much pain.

Anyway... I'd be lying if i didnt say I feel like ending my life every second im awake, and I all i seem to dream about, is what im missing out on, laura and our child, our own house, etc etc...

I had even paid a £250 deposit on an engagement ring for her... it was a custom, hand made platinum diamond ring. well... bleh....

I just feel numb now, and i just dont care about anything. Havent been into uni properly since, and I feel empty. Also seeing Liz again ( my psycologist) Shes a great help, but i still wont talk to her about what happened... but shes reading this anyway... hi liz!

I really need to sort my life out again.... Get it back on track, and start actually speaking to people. Its one of the things that pissed laura off. All because i couldnt open up to her, but you know what im like when it comes to things like that. I clam up, etc... I feel trapped when i have to talk about myself. I just cant do it.

Anyway... I will change... hopefully sooner then later...