contemplations of death

so its 1:40am in the morning and im sat here, bored as hell... where to start...

Monday morning me and laura had a big arguement, via text message, and she said she might as well go back home to surrey, and she didnt care anymore, along with a few other choice words. This was all after she was meant to meet me in town at 12:30, cos i went to the job centre to sign of as I now have a bar job at Rosie O'Grady's. Started there last wednesday. Its a great job and its paying cash. but anyway, my bus pass expired at 1pm on monday and im skint, so was gonna meet laura then go home. But no, she changed her mind, yet a fucking gain!!! she wanted to wait til 1pm to meet me, and im sorry, but im not waiting around town for a whole hour for her, then have to walk home!

So that agruement sarted, and we met today, or rather, tuesday, and it was going ok, till after i went to the docs to pick up my prescription, and she wanted me to go back to hers, promising sex etc etc, and I know what "those" promises mean, absolutly fuck all! I ended going home, and i wasnt in the mood for sex anyway. Never thought iwould turn THAT down!

but she was in a mood with me, cos I was in a mood, because of how shes been, blaming me for never going to hers and always wanting her to come to mine. Its not that i dont want to see her, but if she comes to mine it means we are alone, instead of me going to hers and stacey and AJ being there. it just makes more sense! Im not saying i never want to go to hers, I honestly dont mind, but shes acting like Ive never been round there!

Anyway, stacey is a bitch and after last saturday, i dont really wanna speak to her. Both her and laura went into town drinking, i was working , and I was meant to meet them after work and come back and stay at lauras, but they were meant to pop into the pub for a drink, which they changed their minds on, then stacey phoned me at work, which got in into trouble with managment, and then, laura was ill and went home early, but before that, after the pub was closed, they were banging on the windows etc to try and get me, which got me into really big trouble.

anyway, laura text me in the end telling me to just go home. Which i did, so wasnt in the best of moods after that.

anyway, back to tuesday, she text me after i left saying "why bother anymore! Im not coming to youra all the fucking time! I have had enough of it"

So i replied "Im not asking you to come to mine ALL the time! You've had enough? then end it! Im fed up with having to wait around for you and you keep saying things that you dont actually do! I dont need the trouble ontop of work, uni and depression! Im out of cred so will text you thursday! I do love you! more then you know xx"

so yeah i was stupid, i told her to end it with me if thats what she wanted. I dont want it, but i also cant handle all of this! she replied hours later with "Oh what ever! why is it that you will only tell me what i have done when we are arguing? If thats what you want then i will end it! you can have your money on friday"

The money thing is about the £40 she owes me, that im not realyl worried about, but it has goten me down. She can afford to go out saturday, yet she cant pay me back! If i owe someone i skip going out so i can pay them! not tell them i have no money then go out on the town anyway!

of course, I cant reply to any of this either, cos im out of credit! which is pissing me off! thats the other thing, she always expects me to ring her, she never rings me, and now im not aloud to use the house phone, cos its costing my nan a small fourtune in phone bills which i cant afford!

After this text, I was home, I had myspaced sofi about it all, and shes helped me out tons! I owe her the world! shes always there when i need her! While typing all of it i was crying and when i finished i actually cried myself to sleep! Ive never ever cried so much! I really do love laura, but so much has changed since she started living with stacey! I never even cried at my nans funeral!

At about 5pm, while i was asleep i got another text saying "I dont want to end our relationship but im getting fed up of you not telling me what is up. Especially when its me! I love you"

That made me cry again! at least it shows she cared, I will speak to her on thursday when i get some cred! Also got another phone call from HMV offering me a job! haha! spend ages looking, and now ive got a job, this happens!

Spent ages comtemplating how i should kill myself, yeah i promised i wouldnt try it again after alison, but its how i felt! an i kinda still do, but i wont do anything stupid!

The thing is, if laura is like this when she cant see me and im only working 15-20 hours a week, whats she gonna be like when i start uni on monday, and im at uni 70 hours a week as well as worknig. And with her working nights its gonna get really hard! I still havent heard from brookes yet about where i need to be on monday! gonna ring them tomorrow morning! or whenever i wake up!

Good night!